A FRESH NEW MONSOON MORNING...

It's that time of the year when this southern city gets some of the most exotic showers... There would be continuous downpour with cold breeze across and this turns the atmosphere really pleasant... There would be a continuous wrap-around of a silvery layer around you, you would shiver if you're not in your thickest woollens, and every now-and-then you would crave for some warm coffee or soup... Yes, the city replicates the weather of a hill-station, and if you happen to skip the remembrance that you live not in one, and thus look outside your window casually you truly get the feel of living in one... It's mesmerizing, it's heart-warming and yes it's really blissful to live here in this pretty city... And, if you're a little different kind you can and would want to do so much more in the downpours... How??? Well, if you're the romantic kind, you can just stand in middle of your terrace, letting the silvery drops drench you; and after some time you would start dancing along with them, yeah the perfect dance in the rain (and if you have a partner equally romantic he can join you in the dance making you feel so much more special)... If you're the adventurous kind, you can take a ride through the rain on your bike, thus letting your machine rush against the force of the pouring and feel like a conquering hero (and if you can't drive don't worry, you can ride pillion and feel almost the same and even better)... If you're the poetic kind, you can make yourself a huge mug of coffee or hot chocolate, sit in the balcony watching and listening to the tapping of the drops and scribble down your random feelings on your notebook (well, these days on your tablet)... Or if you're just 'into yourself' kind, you can sit there in your balcony for, who cares, how long, enjoy your lazy sips and can just be lost in your own thoughts, thus making the most of being with yourself... So, the list of things you can do in this weather seems to be endless...

And, yes this endless possibilities is what makes me get excited every-time the city experiences a stormy rainy day... I end up getting into all of these 'kinds' depending on my mood that day... Someday I get romantic, some day adventurous, someday poetic and someday purely philosophical... But in whichever form I am, I enjoy the rains to the last bit...

It was one of these days when the rain started even before I was out of my bed, and kept raining all afternoon through the evening... Everything around was in its dreamy best, with chilly breeze making you shiver through your skin, and thus making you feel just so amazing... And there, it was me, tucked in a warm sweater below my overcoat (I think people think I'm crazy to wear over-coats even though it's not that cold here, at least it doesn't snow here, but then I like to stay safe you see), with my socks and boots on, with a huge take-away mug of cappuccino in hand, in my little car driven by my driver...I reached office, started working, took little breaks in between to enjoy the view through the glass-clad windows, ordered coffee every half an hour, sipped lazily throughout work, had a couple of skype meetings with still sipping my continuous supply of coffee, reached a point where I saw the clock display 7 pm, and thus almost ended the day... The rain was still pouring, and suddenly I realized I wanted to be in my adventurous self... So I bade good bye to my car and the driver, called up my best friend to summon him to appear near my office with bikes, and convinced him to take me on a ride through the rain... Well, my poor friend wasn't too happy with the idea as he knew I would certainly fall sick cuz of the cold, but then of course he had but no choice to get ready and come to take me through the continuously pouring rain...

Thus started my adventure in the rain... It was raining actually very crazy, and the sheer force of the pouring acted on the bike, but then the flashy and strong bike did its job really well to ride through the force... My friend must have been angry on me for making him get wet like this, but considering he's my best friend, it was justified... And as for me, it was a bliss... I was in my winter clothes, so the cold could hardly affect me, and the rain??? Well, that was the most amazing part of that ride... I loved every bit of the downpour... After a while I let go of my head-gear... The rain drenched my hair, the droplets started crawling through my neck, and the breeze got into my warm clothes... Ahh!!! Thrilling was the feel... Every time I get into the rain it just takes my breath away, it makes me melt with happiness and thus makes all my negative feelings wash away... Yes, this ride did the same too... The exhaust of my hectic work schedule got pleasantly washed off, and I was truly happy...

And suddenly then I witnessed the other side of the pretty shower... And yes, it wasn't as pretty as the shower itself, rather it had a completely contrasting story to tell me... Somehow my happiness looked very shallow in front of it, and yes, the rest of my ride was engulfed with the after-effect of this scene...

Well... This southern city is known to be one of the most expensive cities to live in India, and why not??? In the recent couple of decades the city has witnessed tremendous change in infrastructure, flashy up-market residential buildings, high-end retail spaces and thus large scale commuting media, a lot have been added to the ever-growing infrastructure everyday... But then amidst this, and like many other cities and societies across the globe here too exists a world which is a far cry from this developmental proofs, rather do we call them the unfortunate counter-part of all this bling??? Yes, this is what I witnessed during my adventurous trip on that crazy monsoon evening...

Since the downpour was continuous, the roads of the otherwise planned city was flooded... I could see 'road-blocked' signs on many streets and could see the water flowing across... However, what wasn't visible was the fact that this downpour was also washing away a lot of hopes and dreams of many thus changing their lives... What I wasn't able to see is that there were many thousand families and their kids living in those small hut-like (these huts are not like the ones we go to stay during our luxurious trips to wildlife and beaches) shapes, and the rain had washed them all away, thus making them rather homeless... I would not have noticed any of these, and thus would have continued with my exciting ride, wasn't it for those small kids next to a manicured nursery...

This nursery happens to come on the road which leads me home everyday... It was some acres of land with perfectly grown potted plants which are sold to decorate people's (of course the ones who can afford to buy them without looking at the price tags) homes, mostly apartments... The red roof of the nursery reaches out to the adjacent main road, thus there's about a foot of shade that protrudes out towards the road... As I passed by the nursery on that cold rainy evening, I saw some kids sitting under the shade in front of the locked gate... There was a baby too in a slightly grown up girl's arms... I glanced at them, stopped singing 'It's raining mannnn', and as I often do, started making reckless and not-so-thought-out remarks on the kids (like, 'Look, they're trying to steal plants on this rainy day', 'Oh God! Those awesome plants will be dead in these kids' hands', 'Don't these kids have better things to do than stealing plants on a rainy day', and many alikes of these, which make me shrink in shame now)... I was going on and on although I knew my friend was irritated to the core... And then there it was, he lost his patience, snapped at me, and told me something which made me quiet for a while... He told me these kids of course couldn't have anything better to do, cuz they come mostly from the huts next behind the nursery, and since it was flooded now so their homes must have got washed away... And while their parents (if they have any) must have been trying to collect all their belongings these kids were trying to save themselves from the destructive rain by taking shelter under the nursery shade...

Well, that was something I didn't need on that pretty evening when I was enjoying the bliss of being drenched in rain... But, it was true, it was happening in front of me and I could see getting drenched in that continuous rain wasn't even close to being a bliss for those kids, rather they were craving for some shelter, may be some warmth and maybe, I wish maybe, for some food too...

Before I could say anything, we were far away from the kids... My friend dropped me home, and I took a hot shower to get rid of the cold... I wasn't excited any more, not cuz I reached home and I wasn't in the rain anymore, but cuz my excitement stopped looking so glamorous to me... It's not that I didn't know about kids who didn't have homes, it's not that I didn't know of people whose houses had got washed away in rain and flood, it's not that I wasn't aware of these sides of a city-live. But then what disturbed me was the fact that I wasn't ready to witness these with my own eyes... Reading these on various media was heart-sinking, and witnessing it in front of my eyes was a devastating experience... The door bell rang, my friend was back to drop some yummy food and coffee for me, which would have brightened my world on an average day... But today I wasn't too keen on being happy anymore... The scene of those distressed kids kept replaying in my head... I told my friend about my pain, he listened carefully, and knowing I was too depressed to hold on to, told me that I could do something to change what I saw, at least I could contribute to do so... I knew I had to do this...

I searched on the web for people who work for underprivileged kids, and started going through various aspects of what they've been doing... I didn't know how much time had passed by while I was doing so, but when I decided that I was quite ready knowing what to do, it was 2 in the morning... I let out a sigh... In my hand was a list of people whom I was going to contact the next morning, trying to understand if I could be of any help in helping those kids who can't enjoy the rain cuz they know they wouldn't have a home to go back the next moment... It felt good...

I walked to the balcony of my house, the rain wasn't there any more... The coldness was far lesser than the evening too... I wished if I could know whether the kids I saw were able to sleep at all... I looked up to the sky, like the clouds sailing relentlessly my mind too kept wandering... Along with it I wondered, what if the rains were as joyous for all as it was for me... I whispered a 'Goodnight' to the sky, and waited for them to bring the sunlight the next morning... In my heart I was longing for a new beginning with the new morning... A fresh new monsoon morning...

A PENCIL, CHILDREN'S DAY... AND CHEERS TO NEVER GROWING UP...

So, I had lost my pen and the diary again... Yes, it’s turning out to be a cyclic process in my life... I buy a pair of diary and pen together, use it for a while, and even before half the pages of the diary gets exhausted and half the ink in the pen, I lose both of them; then I buy the next pair, lose them after a while; buy them again; and thus the process goes on and on... And, yes, you guessed it right, every time the fault is mine (no, I mean seriously)...
Well, I was extremely disgusted with myself this time, both for the diary and the pen... The diary, being one I use at work, had a lot of important notes and information that I keep needing often, and the pen was a moderately expensive one (which I certainly can’t afford to re-buy anytime soon), and thus the guilt was real bad... And, since I needed a pen to scribble all through the day, I decided to use a pencil instead... My work-place, being a creative agency, has a stock of pencils, coloured once, sketch-pencils and also the plain ones... I picked a simple HB pencil and decided that from now on this would be what I would do most of my scribbling down...

I managed to locate a pencil sharpner, and started shrarpening the pencil... But then as usual, I broke it instead... So I asked a colleague of mine to help me with the job, and he happily agreed.... We sat in the balcony attached to the office just next to some green orchid-plants, and he started sharpening the pencil with a blade... And, just then, yes then, suddenly I recalled those days from my childhood, when I used to sit with my Dita while he used to sharpen my school-pencils, fill ink in my pens, and hand me over my fully loaded pencil-box...

And, suddenly I realized, only the other day, which was ‘Children’s Day’, I had thought about all these past years that I have passed through to experience the current day... And, somehow, although I’m not a person living only in the past, yet I ended up walking down the memory lanes, to re-live many moments from the same... And, thus, now I realize, although with every passing day a part of the child in me grows up, a part still stays the same, a child still...
Yes, a lot have certainly changed since the time I knew I was growing up... Have passed through a lot of phases, have learnt and unlearnt a lot of things, have met and lost a lot of people, and most importantly have fallen in and out of a lot of emotions... But the growing up never stops... From the phase when preparing for the exams was the only difficult event in life to the phase when managing finances to day-to-day maintaining a house (however small it might be) all by myself too doesn’t look like a mammoth task, life, for a moment too, has never stopped... From the phase when the first red-rose just brightened up the whole world to the phase when all the bouquets went directly to the bin, life changed so fast... From the phase when a heart-break could seem like the end of life to a phase where even many heart-breaks didn’t even stop the casual retail-therapy, the pace of life was like a hurricane... From the time when the first pay-check made the world go round to the phase when pay-checks and cribbing turned parts of the same parcel, life never slowed down... And, along with all these phases neither does growing up ever bothered to slow down... So we grew up, rather really really fast...

But then, did I actually grow up??? I don’t think so... Every passing day certainly does add on to the number of days I’m existing on this earth, but it fails to make me grow up... The child in me is somehow too arrogant to get out of my system and let me grow up... Somehow the grown-up world looks way beyond complicated to me, for me to even take a liking on... And thus I still long to be a part of my small world that I had when I was considered a kid... The small frilly clothes that I wore, the short hair that I had, the black-beaded anklets around my tiny ankles, the colourful colouring books that I had, the fairy-tales that I believed in, and the 10 chapter school-books that looked never-ending to me then, each of these is what I long for... And, most importantly I long for those moments when I could sleep hugging my Momu, with one leg on her; I long for those relentless chatters to Dita over every event that had happened during the day; and I long for those lazy afternoons when me and my little brother fought over colouring books and pencils... And, each time I long for these I realize, I have certainly not grown up... Cuz, apparently the grown-up world is much more practical than that... You don’t cry over small priceless pleasures, you don’t bother to stick around your past, you move on continuously and you focus only on fulfilling your larger ambitions in life... If these are true, then of course I haven’t grown up, neither is there any signs of doing so in the near future...

I know, nobody in this world really does grow up ever... We do pass time and thus turn into an adult someday, and along with it tend to take on responsibilities that the societal norms allow us to... We go to college after school, learn things, and get into a professional life and dream of achieving the highest high someday, thinking that would certainly make us feel complete, and bring happiness... But then this is so not true... End of it all, everyone finds true joy in the minute details of everyday life, and not in the biggest achievements of any sort... Hence, the small bubbles on the coffee makes us feel better than the coffee itself, we don’t stop buying the tiny chocolates that we used to have during our kid-days, we prefer relishing on what our mums cook to an expensive meal at a 5-star, we still sift through the pages of the old albums, and we still upload the pictures from our childhood in our messy hair and tiny shorts... Yes, we never grow up... Nobody does... My Dita has never grown up, he still weeps every time I fall sick; my Momu never grew up, she still starts singing when she buys new shoes; my Bro never grew up, he still comes crawling to me to get me buy him t-shirts; my best friend never grew up, he still gets insecure when I don’t give him time; and yes, I never grew up, I still fail to understand the so-called real and thus grown-up world... Had any of us grown up, we would have much beyond these emotions, cuz we would have been free of any insecurities...

Suddenly I came back to reality on my colleague calling out my name... He hands me over the pencil with a perfectly sharpened tip, just like the ones my Dita used to get me... I smiled at him and thanked him... I don’t know for how long I was soaked in my own thoughts, contemplating on the negativities of growing up... But since I’m back now, I realize, yes, it’s so so so much better not to grow up, cuz being a child you can experience that what you can’t if you you grow up... And, that ‘that’ is the purity with which you view everything that’s exposed to you, that ‘that’ is the innocence with which you live your life, that ‘that’ is the un-conditional love that you have for everyone around you, and most importantly that ‘that’ is the carefree feeling that tells you that it’s alright if things are not right, right now, it would certainly be alright when we grow up...

Cheers to never growing up...

WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS....

(Scribbled while strolling on a dreamy Goan beach, when I met the 'ME' that always longed for the one who got away, long ago...)

Well, September ended, and as always I didn't intend to wake up... After so many years of coming the lyrical and musical excellency of Greenday's famous lines into existence, it's more like a cliché so say anything about waking up when September ends... But eventually, everyone does find his or her own reasons to connect something to this cliché of September ending, and yeah, waking up...And for me, certainly does September bring a layering bruise, each year, atleast so for the last 4 years... Well, for reasons strictly to my personal failure in love, and with an impression insanely irresponsible to everyone around; September happens to make me wish I was asleep all month long... Yeah, September truly was a more than a month in my happy days, making me the closest to my love once, which eventually also turned into a month I would like not to experience, for, it made me away too, for ever from him... And that's how, I'm sure, year on year, I would keep gathering these layers until one day I decide to rub all of them off, maybe suddenly out of the blue, or maybe after a certain amount of precautious efforts... Till then, I would, maybe I would, keep weeping along with the lyrics, and keep repeating the, by now cliché, phrase...

Coming back, it was Goa this September end, and it was a carefully planned attempt to get away from the monotone of my so called busy life... And that was why, I hardly had anyone completely familiar along with me while I decided to land in the coastal town of South West India... Unlike other trips of mine, I needed to be on my own, and that's how it was, when I actually realized barring one, I knew noone in the group... Last week of the month, weekend, and also almost done with the monthly chaos, more than enough reasons for a quick getaway... And while we decided to make a budget trip, I was too, although reluctantly, fine doing so, as I needed a different sort of experience... It was li'l insanely for someone like me, who hates troubled travelling, but nonetheless, somehow we managed to land where we intended to, after travelling for almost around 16 hours, not to forget, after changing our vehicles twice...Somehow, the spirit was high, and that's how we appeared to be still energetic... And finally when we landed in the beach town, we realized, well, it was worth the trouble....Yeah... Sea, beach, sand and some amusing vibes, yeah it was actually something that lifts away the chaotic frustration from any mind...

As the experience of the small town started getting into my nerves I realized every bit of those reasons why this tiny li'l town was what it was to the people all across the globe... Everyone seemed extremely busy being in their happiest states, noone bothered what others were upto, and everyone greeted everyone with a smile on his/her face... Somehow the whole ambiance was brilliant, and worth being away from the city... And, suddenly I gathered the feeling that maybe, maybe I would start everything afresh in all areas of my life, once the 4 days long trip saw its end, for, I was sure of getting my mind refreshed up, and also my soul rejuvenated during my stay here... And surely I didn't want to sleep off the last days of September, to wake up once it ended, cuz certainly I was hoping to enjoy more with open eyes than dreaming away in sleep... Well, hardly had I known that no matter however I kept repeating it to be a cliché; I would anyways land up, as always, being a part of it...

It was precisely, 29th of September, on a much hyped beach of Goa... After roaming on endless beaches all evening, it was time we took a li'l rest, and what better could have been than the warm sandy beach by the continuous waves of the Arabian Sea, under the starlit turquoise sky, and not to forget a mixed floating musical backdrop... Yeah, this was how I always wanted my evenings to be, and that added the extra bit of amazing fulfilled twist to my experience... I was happy, in a really happy state, and in my own world of pure indulgence...Right then, yeah right then, in middle of the ecstatic environment, I was hit by a sight that brought me down straight to where I had always started... To there, where, my sorrow haunted me, my bruised soul screamed, and yeah, there where I never willingly wanted to go back, but eventually ended up going back again and again...

On that silvery beach, to my left, at a mere distance of 15 meters, was a group of guys, most likely to be bachelors, in their own world with an enormous amount of liquors, fags and of course music... In that group of around 10 guys, there were 2, strumming on their guitars, and the others joining them in singing out loud, sometimes continuously, and sometimes in bits and pieces... Although, there was no staged harmony in the musical tribute, yet it was no less than a bunch of sheer careless joy floating around, cuz of the vibes from the music created by those almost hung over guys in the gang... We, the group I was in, started enjoying the scene and the music too, and in no time, we joined the gang of guys, only to realize we did good doing so... Well, till then nothing apart from the joy and music had caught ours, particularly my attention...But, at one point, suddenly I felt my heart skip, violently, and I realized, I was almost in the verge of being numb with surprise, or should I say shock... And what caused that??? A sight that I never thought I would experience in this way, atleast not in this sudden, non-planned trip of mine... Yeah, to my horror, or terror, or to my anonymous emotional shock, I spotted a face in that gang, which, once upon a time, was the most important one in my life... A face, that used to inspire me all through, to think beyond; a face that used to remind me always that I was loved and cared; a face that always used to show that I was special; and yeah, a face that used to have all the reasons to make me smile... And now, I saw that one face, humming along with the beats of the guitar, just, just a few meters away from where I was sitting… I was in utter loss of words, and maybe expressions too, cuz, I didn't know how to react and, thereby, in a word, I stood still where I was... Yeah, in that small crowd that face was there too, that resembled the person, with whom I was in a relationship for a very long, or a very short, duration of 4 and half years...I couldn't really understand whether it was my illusion, or he was really there... Maybe he was actually him, or maybe he just resembled only on face... But, the bygone 3 years that we were not in touch were more than enough for me to gather a layer of dust on my confidence to be happy to see him....

I didn’t know how to react, I couldn't decide whether I should pay more attention to him to find out if he was the same guy I was assuming him to be, or should I just run away from the place, to just escape from the already turned strange situation... My eyes were unfaithful to me, and despite my cruel attempts to resist, they concentrated on that face... And, then, there he was, taking a pause from humming, and suddenly staring back at me, and also waving at me, for, he knew I was continuously looking at him, maybe taking him to be somebody else... Then, and only then, I realized, all this while, I actually was in an illusion, cuz, no doubt he had a similar face, but if I was li'l more attentive, I would have known that he was not the same person I was thinking him to be...

We exchanged li'l gestures, exchanged pleasantries, and I pretended I was enjoying the music and the evening... But, inside me had already started a battle... I was unable to figure out why I had to mistake a stranger's face to be someone I was not supposed to think of... I had no clue why on earth, of all the people, this one particular face, I keep going back searching for, almost all the time, which had decided to part ways from my life years ago, and at a point I needed him the most... I failed to understand why after gathering so much bitterness from his actions I still managed to fool myself around not to scrape away his memories from my mind... I didn't know, and could never justify, why I, despite being always repellent towards accepting pain, still brought back memories that hardly spared my heart of bleeding... And, I had no answer to myself, why on earth, of all the moments I choose the happiest and also the saddest one, to hallucinate about him around me… And, this time, while it was my happiness that was supposed to keep me occupied, I decided to spot someone resembling his face and thus brought him back to my world… And, honestly I fail to understand, why I did so…And, that somehow makes me realize, that, maybe it’s been always like that, that whenever I’m in my own world of happiness, and joy, I end up looking for that particular person around me… Maybe it’s always been like that, that I actually never let that person leave my memories and my imagination… Maybe, it’s always been like that, that I kept that person alive in my world of fantasy and illusion… Or, maybe it’s always been like that, that I decided to be this way forever, atleast to be with him in my world of dreams…And, honestly, this doesn’t make me really happy, in my practical state… And, in my consciousness, I always look for opportunities to just stay away from all of it… But, alas, an illogical idiot and a lost-in-love heart don’t have much differences, and maybe, maybe that’s why similar evenings like this one would keep coming back repetitively to my life, and yeah, I’m so certain about it…

The silvery moonlit beach was no less than a fairytale land, the whispering waves made the already amazing place even more dramatic… As I got back to my senses, recovering slowly from the shock of the sudden moment crossing my path a while ago, I decided to take a walk down the edges of the dancing waves… I took my slippers off and soaked my feet in the sandy water… I felt fresh… As I walked a li’l inside the water I realized, maybe, maybe my memories are like these waves; that come to touch the edges again and again, but also go back to unknown limits the next very moment, and that’s how they’re meant to be… And, actually, that’s a good thing, cuz, what’s the point scraping away some beautiful moments from life, only cuz they somehow got overshadowed by some bad ones… And, so, it's alright even if my memories bring back that one person to my life again and again... Somehow, the thought made me feel a li’l better... I started letting myself loose on the soaked sand…


I looked back at the still happily singing guys... They were now playing Greenday… ‘Wake me up when September ends…’… I smiled in the dark... Yeah, like every other year, this year too, I found my reason to hum the same… I smiled to myself… But this time, I smiled with a certain freshness in my breath… Cuz, I was certain, maybe like this evening, and the past many, every year I would continue finding the same, and well, that would again be a logically completely unrelated, but strangely related reason to me…Nonetheless, I would not be scared to love to get lost in the feeling... But I would also make sure that, I would wait, to get woken up, when September actually ends… Cuz, like the way the waves go back inside the sea to be the calm surface of water, I'm sure my life would also find reasons to get normal, once the disturbing rush of memories fade away...

INDEPENDENCE DAY... FREEDOM, INDEPENDENCE... AND A MYTH...

It was Independence Day yesterday, and everywhere I see, everyone is expressing their love for the country, love for the people and the happiness on the historic event that happened 65 long (or very short??) years ago… I can see million posts on almost all the social networking sites wishing one another a very happy day, I can see the tri-colour flying in every possible location, I can see huge hoardings congratulating the entire nation on being able to call ourselves a free nation, I can see various organizations organising events on the occasion, I can see million articles on newspapers quoting political leaders addressing the nation and of course I can see a million colourful programmes on various channels that boast about how happy, progressive and well-advanced we are, and not-to-forget what an amazing future we’re moving towards to… And, if I actually decide to ignore the reality that in real exists around me, I should be really happy, for, being able to be a part of the glorious country, and hence I have every reason to be proud of the society that I am in… But apparently, this is far from the truth, and in a true sense, I’m ashamed that I was born in a place that boasts about all the fake-ness, that boasts about being an arrogant lot of indifferent crowd, that takes pride in the fact that they contradict themselves in occasions more than they can ever think of, and yet they’re so very ignorant about these facts that, one who shows a little awareness actually looks like a fool…

Well, right at this point, I sound like an anti-social, anti-India, anti-progressive (I laugh as I type this phrase), and anti-independence little creep… And, I’m sure if this goes out on any public media, I might land up in some terrible situation where no one would be able to help me save myself… And if I’m unlucky (and bad luck decides to smile wry at me), there would be a lot of mishap getting created around my post… Might be it could turn into a political issue too, one gang saying that I’m influenced by their opponent, one saying I’m a spokesperson to their opponent, and so on and so forth…. Yeah, what not… Do you think I’m dreaming… Hell, no… Anyone with a little knowledge on Indian politics, management and society as a whole, and especially how the society works, would know that I’m actually talking sense… Yeah, India is a proud place where anything and everything is possible…

Well, contrary to what I sound at this point, and to be frank, I love my country too… In my school days I was known for writing about the country so well that everyone thought I had taken some special classes to know the length and breadth of the country… But the fact was, I truly loved the place I was born in, and somehow I had developed an intense love, affection and respect for the land… But when I grew up, I could see a different picture of the country I was so much in love with… I know, it’s a place where ‘Unity exists in diversity’, but then, it’s also a place where every minute there’s some or the other negative event taking someone’s life away from him… On one side if this is a place where everyone can claim to be a part of the diverse yet happy society, on the other side, this is the same place where one needs to be afraid every minute lest it’s his last moment in life… And, that’s how I’m in a fix, and thus not being able to decide whether I should feel proud of being a part of this land, or should weep by a riverside thinking why on earth did I choose to be born on this particular place… Nevertheless, life moves on… And, so even I move on with my daily life, without complaining about anything much, rather trying to adjust to the society I’m in, at any given time…

But, the reason why, I’m so negative about celebrating Independence Day is the fact that, at this moment, I truly don’t feel that I’m a part of a free land… And, do I have enough reason to justify it??? Well, yes… I have more than enough reasons to do so… There’s so much happening around me these days that I’m bound to feel negative about calling myself free… Freedom has turned into a term which looks glorious only in black and white, and not in real… I have freedom nowhere… If I want to raise a voice against anything I would definitely be killed (at least that’s happening around me so far)…

Well, let’s forget about these bigger issues; let’s see what happens on a day-to-day basis… Oh! Did I tell you that I’m a girl??? Well, yeah, that squeezes my freedom even more… I have no freedom to go and sit in the park in the corner, cuz some stray dog-alike human beings might come and rape me… I can’t wear my short clothes and walk on roads, cuz some dirty leech-alike creeps would come and try molesting me… I can’t fight back anyone eve-teasing me, cuz I’m a poor girl and if I do I would be treated like shit… And, to put a cherry on the top, I have hardly any faith in the security system of the country… And why not??? Here, the security system itself boasts about being one of the most corrupt ones in the world… And, yeah, so do I see any freedom for myself?? Of course not…

And, when time passes by then I lose my freedom even more… Yeah, if I’m marriage ready (as soon as I turn 25 plus)I would be forced to waste no more time with myself, rather to get married… And, if I happen to fall in love with someone from a different religion, caste or community, I would be forced to part ways from him, and no matter how much I suffer and protest I would be forced to get married to someone who is perfect for me as per the social norms, and even if I die of suffocation in that association, I can never leave… So where’s my freedom…

Well, I don’t want to sound like a social worker, nor like a feminist and neither like someone who fights hard against the powerfuls to bring in huge social change… All I know is that, in this country we’re missing even fundamental rights to live, and then we boast about freedom… How ironical…

If I ignore the mammoth issues of life, and look at having a normal simple life, I can’t do that… What’s more, yesterday when the whole country was celebrating Independence Day, I was sitting in a corner of my room, fearing to go out… The reason?? Well, there were lot of rumours (I seriously wish, they’re just pure rumours and nothing more than that), that there were red alert in and around this Southern city, and we, the outsiders are directly or indirectly made to get out of the place as soon as it is possible… And what caused this??? This is nothing but the aftermath of a riot that had taken place back in my home-state Assam, within various ethnic groups… And, the situation was so terrible there that it had turned (or made to turn) into huge political issue, and also got christened into communal riots… No one knows the actual facts, and the truth… But who’s suffering now??? Of course the ones who were by no means responsible for the entire episode… The morning newspaper brings the news of thousands of students and working professionals fleeing from the city back to their home-towns… What does that imply??? It surely tells us that we by no means have any freedom… Our constitution says that an Indian can live in any place inside its boundary as per his wish… But, is that the fact in today’s picture?? Well, of course not… Apparently we don’t have the basic freedom of following what our instincts say… Then, why are we celebrating independence???

Yeah, every bit of what’s happening around me pains me, it bruises my soul, and along with every bit of increased pain, my faith in the celebration of independence decreases… I’m shattered to see how typical we’re behaving… I have friends from all communities, religions, castes and regions… But, at this point of time, I don’t know what would be the right thing to do… I know, I myself is not the least of discriminating kind, and I never believe in these sort of biases, but am I in a situation to believe that even others around me are not… Can I blindly say that the friend who happens to be my best friend and hails from a different religion would stand by me in my crisis at this point??? Even if I want to believe so at the bottom of my heart, yet I can’t ascertain myself… Such is the negativity of the situations that are being created… And, certainly the ones suffering are the ones that belong to a neutral and innocent crowd…

I’m afraid… Of getting out even at as early as ten at night… Of taking an auto or a cab alone to work… Of talking aloud in a crowded place… Of passing by the place where I know other community crowd resides… Of picking up a cold drink from the bakery at the corner… Of picking up my breakfast from the departmental store… In fewer words, of doing anything that’s capable of drawing attention of anyone stranger… Yeah, such is the state I’m in, at this point… That says that I’m actually afraid to live… I’m afraid of breathing lest that causes others aware of my presence… And in this situation, do I need to celebrate Independence Day??? Do I have freedom and independence???

I know, this note of mine is and would stay as nothing but a relentless outburst of the anger, anguish, pain, frustration and helplessness inside me… Yeah, I’m angry… I’m anguished… I’m in pain… I feel frustrated… I feel helpless… Yeah, there’s no way to make myself understand that I live in a free country… Free of what?? Free from whom??? Isn’t it just an illusion that we’re free??? It is... And, yeah, that’s why I refuse to get involved in any celebrations that talk about freedom, independence and of being content… Instead, I would like to pray the unknown, and wish for a day where freedom would actually exist… I know a mere prayer does nothing to the corrupted and sadistic society, but I would do it only for the fact that, it makes me feel a bit safe, and also makes me believe that even if the world around me conspires to kill my inner faith, somehow I should still keep it up… Cuz, like every beginning has an end, these horrors and terrors would also see their end, and thus would bring a tomorrow where we would actually know and realize what real independence is…

And till then, let’s keep fighting for the basic freedom to live…

THE LITTLE SOMETHINGS... FOR A BETTER WORLD...

Well, it was a long hectic day, and on top of that the amount of rushing-arounds that I had to do today had actually made me, in a word, freak out… To add on a juicy cherry on top, my brother, who happens to be a little ahead than me on the insane-meter, was driving me almost crazy… He’s been under medical observation, and it’s me who has to be his PA for his every single meeting with doctor… Yeah, you guessed it right, starting with scheduling his appointment, to carrying the right document, to collecting reports, to discussing them with the doctor, to buying medicines, yes, each of these I have to do… My blackberry is loaded with reminders of each of these events, and at times I fail to understand whether my poor phone has any other things to do at all or not… Yeah, today too, the same schedule repeated, and no wonder, I turned almost insane and freaked out by the time it was 6 in the evening… But, the reason why I’m writing this note is not to describe or complain what’s wrong with my life, instead the reason is something special… And, I’m certain of a thing that I would actually not going to forget this incident for a long time in the future…

Well, it was almost 6 and we were supposed to meet the consulting doctor for my brothers report discussion at around 7… After a long fight and pushing hard, my brother got ready to see the doctor, and accordingly he was supposed to reach the hospital in around 45 minutes… I had almost an hour in hand, and the hospital being just ten minutes from my place, I decided to put an effort in lifting my mood up before I met my brother, and accordingly I decided to sit in the coffee shop from where I pick up daily coffee… As I came out of my place I realized it had been raining and so the rain-drenched dusky evening was a magical one… Well, my mood started brightening in that turquoise evening light… I picked up my coffee, started sipping the same and then waited on the main road looking for an auto to reach the hospital which was almost 4 kms away…

This part of the whole evening is something I actually would have liked to avoid… I hate autos and auto-guys with my heart and soul…Every morning when I wait for one, they would bug me asking for extra money over and above the actual fare, or most of the times they would refuse to go where you need to go, and some other times they would make you literally beg… Yeah, there’s not a single point for which I can say I would ever appreciate these 3-wheeled vehicle… Today too, with an irritated mind and an unknown disgust I waited for an auto… After a while, when the signal behind opened, a row of autos came by… I waved many of them, but finally I could make one stop by, and when it did I got into it… With my playlist on my ears, I hardly bothered to look at the guy driving the vehicle and asked him to put the meter down… As we got ourselves into the midst of the non-ending traffic on the main road, my irritation level rose up… But then since I was not hurrying up, I didn’t let my anger rise up to my head… Millions vehicles of all shapes, sizes and types had crowded out the city-road and wherever you see and your eyes can reach there was a sea of these… And, why not??? This is the time almost half the offices in the city gets over and everyone, in an attempt to reach home early, gathers on the road, turning it into an endless procession of vehicles… Today too, the same thing was very obvious, and it actually didn’t surprise me much… We were moving ahead, leaps and bound, and well, as predictable, it was taking forever for the jam to get cleared…

And, suddenly then happened something which is what I’m writing this note about… Well, it was a small incident, but then, something that blew my mind away… And, certainly it was something that told me that if anyone wants do something for someone’s good, you don’t need to have a lot of resources, nor you need to be someone highly influential… You can do it with what you have, and by being what you are and yeah also, how you are…

Yeah, coming back to what happened, as we crossed half the distance, on that crowded road, we halted at a place, almost 300 metres from a signal… The signal was closed, and so we had no choice but to wait there till it opened again… Suddenly, there was the siren of an ambulance which was rushing from behind, and it was apparent that it was in a hurry… The sound was irritating and so I increased the volume of my music on my ears… But, to my surprise, the guy that was driving the auto I was in, got down… And, for the first time, I saw his face properly, and also saw that he was an old guy, of more than 45 age, but he looks older than that, owing to, I’m sure, the fact that he has a not-so-easy life… He rushed towards the ambulance first, and came rushing back towards where his auto was… Looking at his strange behaviour, I peeped out of the auto, and realized that the ambulance has a heart-patient… But nobody was much bothered, and hence there was no improvement in getting the traffic cleared, infact there was nobody who was in a situation to do anything to try clearing the non-ending rows of cars, and buses, and bikes, and autos… To my surprise, there was no traffic police too, in the signal… But, well, obviously I didn’t bother to get out of my seat, and thereby doing anything that could help the patient in the ambulance…

And, that’s what this particular guy from my auto was trying to do… He was trying to gather everyone in helping to get the ambulance move through the crowd of vehicles… And, as opposite to what I defined as insanity, his effort seemed to make sense in a while… He ran to the signal, spoke to each of the cars and other vehicles, and somehow managed to clear a path amidst that horrific traffic… And in around 7 minutes the ambulance moved ahead, its siren kept blowing, and soon, it disappeared at the distant roads… And, by then, even my auto was on track again… Predictably enough I was shocked and I was wondering how on earth this seemingly clueless guy decided on his own to help out someone who was in actual need…

Soon, I reached the hospital I wanted to be at, and paid the auto-guy what he deserved… I had to get 5 rupees back from the guy, but I told him not to give it back, as I felt it was really not necessary… Cuz, today, what he had done was something that has by no means any comparison to anything money could buy… For a change, and for the first time in my life, I realized that all auto-guys are not bad, in fact there are some people who are exceptionally amazing and great… And, this particular guy happens to be one of them…

As I walked into the hospital, I realized, truly, it takes only one simple moment to make yourself do something great… You don’t really need to be someone with everything around to be useful to someone needy, all you need is just a heart that wants to help others… And, certainly, no matter what you are, what your strengths are, all you need is a streak to put that extra bit, that makes you do something, which no one else could think and be able of doing…

Yeah, it’s that little something that we do, which can brighten up someone’s life; yeah, it’s that little help that we offer which can let someone live a better life; it’s that little warmth that we share which can lighten up someone’s life; it’s that little effort that we put which can save the li

fe of someone who’s in his death bed… And, to do this little something all we need is just little wish and a heart, which beats a little for everyone around… Certainly, it takes only a little from us, but it surely does turn the world into a so much better place to live in...

PARENTS ARE PARENTS...JUST A LITTLE TRIBUTE...

P.S: To my Dita and Momu, and to all the parents, with an apology on ignoring many of your words...

The other week, I had met a little kid... We happen to know each other out of nowhere, to be precise, I had first met him in a park where I stroll at times, and that’s how I know him… We do exchange words when we have time during my infrequent visits to that park… Last week too, he was there… He was there sitting quietly on the grass-bed, near a carefully manicured green bush… Unlike the other times, he was not in a jolly mood that day and I figured, hence, he was not playing, rather sitting alone… I sat next to him, and asked what happened… He was little hesitant to tell me his problems at first…But, since he realized, it would be better if he spoke to me, he told me why he was upset… He was upset with his parents, who wanted him to quit his cricket practice; they wanted him to rather go for some indoor games… I asked why… He told, some weeks back, he was injured and fainted while playing and from that time onwards, they were not happy him continuing the game… I understood the complete story…

The kid would not be more than 10 years old, and thereby in an age in which he learns to put his choices forward, and if contested by anyone, especially his parents, starts believing that he might not be the most favourite child of his parents... And, yeah, that makes him develop a mild at first, and strong gradually, disliking towards his parents... And, at certain point, he believes with his heart and soul that his parents have no love for him, and they don't really bother about his existence and his what-and-where-abouts...

Well, this is so normal... So brutally true... And, I can say this from my own point of view and of course experience... Cuz, I was no exception and I had gone through the same too… When I was a little kid, my parents never let me do many and many things which million others were doing... I was never left alone outside our gate, and evreytime I had gone out of my house, somebody accompanied me, always... I was never let go to school alone, my dad or mum dropped me, always... I was never let go to my morning tuitions alone, I was being dropped there and picked up too... Unlike other kids I was not left with them to play those silly games, instead I was brought a huge library... I was never let mingle with a lot of kids around... I was not let learn to ride a bicycle... And, yeah, the list goes on and on...

Most obviously, like what a normal kid of that age would have done, I always complained, I always cribbed, I always doubted my parents’ intentions, and even if not loudly, inside my heart I always rebelled... I had thousand questions to ask, but each of them had a common word in them, 'Why'... I always wanted to know and understand why I was not treated like any other kid was being treated as, why I was kept away from million things that seemed to be my birthright, and why I couldn't live my life the way everyone else around me was living... Well, I never really asked these aloud and probably my parents understood that as my understanding of their intentions, and so adored and appreciated the fact that I was not really a rebellious kid like others… But, the truth was really something different, I was tired of all the pampering, all the extra anxiety for me, all the extra hype about my brining up and I was so unhappy about these that I didn’t even feel like trying to know the actual reasons behind what they were doing… And along with it, all I could see was their continuous intentions to keep me away from a normal childhood...

But, after 25 years of my life, today I have all the answers to those why's that I had back then... I have all the reasons to understand why my parents did what they did, brought me up the way they did, and kept me away from many things... And along with it, I have all the reasons to bow down to their depth of understanding of their kids’ inside… Well, today, when I see myself and try to understand my own self, I realize I fail to do that… That’s cuz there’s immense complications inside my heart and my mind, and that leaves things really difficult for me to sort out… I miss out on things which are right and I should really accomplish, and thereby stay confused in millions situations… And, this is not a fact of the grown-up me… I have always been like that, from childhood, and this is why almost in 95 % of the instances, it’s truly difficult for me to handle a situation and for others to handle me… But, yeah, my parents always knew me, the real me… That was why they kept me away from many things which would have made my surroundings even more difficult for me to tackle… That was why they made me do things which today make me see reality in a better way…

Yeah, I was a really difficult kid back then… With a lot of people to make me feel like the princess of the house, and a lot other to make me not see the difficult side of life, I was truly difficult to handle… And in that scenario, it was so important for someone to really make me stay controlled and calm… And, yeah, my parents exactly did that… They forbade me from things that would keep me safe and sound from the prospective unfavourable situations… They never let me be alone cuz, they never wanted me to end up carelessly walking on roads… They never let me ride a bicycle cuz they never wanted me to end up having a broken limb… They never let me mingle with lot of kids cuz they didn’t want me to end up picking crazy habits of strolling aimlessly… Yeah, every bit of what they did was so well thought and premonitored…

If I look back now, I see my parents standing beside me every time I needed them and every time even if I didn’t… Well, yeah, they had never tried preaching in my freedom, but every time I got confused on anything, they had helped me sorting out the same… I remember all the instances when I used to worry on the school exams, and they saying me to just relax… ‘These exams are nothing big things you know, remember you’re made for bigger things in life’, is what my dad said… Well, I really have no clue what bigger things I would achieve, or I would achieve ever at all, but those surely made me let my tension vanish… I remember my dad getting me every possible thing around that can make my studies easier… I remember him never forcing me to get good marks in my exams lest I put more efforts than I could afford… He never got angry with me if I ever missed out on few marks in the exams, cuz most certainly I was more important for him than few mere marks… He always made a point that I realized him being there for me anytime I need a friend… I remember him discussing the world with me so that I start knowing it too… I remember my mum talking to me on things that made her be who she was… I remember her telling me to be what I wished to be, and not what everyone else was trying to be…

I have always seen my parent dealing me with so much respect… I remember my dad treating me like someone of his age than a little kid… I remember him always talking to me with so much respect and regards… He never raised his voice even if I pissed him off million instances… I remember my mum respecting my wishes (when they were positive) and let me do what made me happy… I remember all the times when I ignored my health for staying up late to finish my school work, and my mum waking up at the middle of the night and making me my favourite health drink and boiled eggs… I remember all the time when I suffered from high temperature and my dad weeping like a kid… I remember all the time when I used to get injured with my silly games, and my mum crying and rushing to fetch a doctor… Yeah, everything that my parents did, I know no one can ever in life do those for me…

And, I did fail to see all this, cuz I didn’t realize things the way I should have, at that point in time… I had never really seen any consequences of what my parents told me, and made me stay away from… Most certainly I had ignorance towards many facets of life, and I had not really seen the real world… But, today as I’m having a little experience on the real world around me, I see every validity of every word they have ever said… I see more reasons to follow as per their words than I had ever realized I would do… And along with it I also wish to go back and restart my life… Cuz, I know I have already missed out on many and many positive outcomes of following their words, and that’s cuz, knowingly and also unknowingly I have not really obeyed many of what they had said… Given a chance of restarting my life, I would not miss out even on a single word…

The kid that had complained on his parent’s intentions of not allowing cricket, would, I am sure, be someone like what I was in my childhood… Who fails to see the real reason behind what his parents say… I understood, and along with it also understood that, at this point, nothing would really make him able to realize the real scenario… I know at this point, all he would do is cry and crib, and thereby would try to make them allow him his game… But, one day, he would realize why his parents are so reluctant about him being into something that might cause threats to his being… I felt helpless for not being able to make the kid pre-view the same… Cuz, I myself can see it… But then, that’s cuz, I have already gone through this age… And, since I was not able to do anything to make the little kid understand, all I could do was wish a little… Of making him have little patience with his parents, and along with it little faith… Cuz, in this world, there’s no one like our parents, who would ever say a thing which would not have a depth and an equally deep meaning… Yeah, someone truly said, parents are parents, and nothing can ever, ever and ever match up to them…

OLD SONGS...OLD MEMORIES...AND FLASHBACKS....

Well, it’s been a week, I’ve been listening to a playlist of Hindi songs…On a regular basis, I avoid listening to them, as they make me really emotional and my eyes get teary…And, this is one thing, I have been avoiding in last few months (yeah, I have made myself believe that I don’t deserve to cry no more…)…But then, these days, somehow, got a playlist that has all the Hindi songs that are ultimately romantic and well, me kind of liking it…I just skipped mentioning one thing about these songs, that they straightaway take me to those moments when I had listened to that particular song for the first time…Coming back, now too I’m listening to a song that reminds me of an evening in 2008, July...Well, almost 4 years back...But, still I remember everything so bright and clear...And, as I lose myself in the soothing beats of this song, all that I was doing at that particular evening come flashing back to my memory, and somehow I see everything happening in front me, as if those are happening now, right at this very moment…

Well, it was the last day of the month...I was travelling back to Bangalore from my home…Bangalore, being the place where I had been staying in (of course for my studies and all) for almost 4 years till then, had more connection with my heart than my own home town (I guess, that’s ‘cuz, that was the time, I was truly growing up, and was through a phase that had the influence to make or break any connection with anything)…And, after staying for over a month in my home town, this comeback was more like coming back to one’s workplace after a long soothing vacation…And, yeah, predictably I was insanely happy (although missed my Dita and Momu), crazy with excitement, and was altogether in a completely different world…Well, I had real good reasons behind all that excitement…

Coming back again, my flight had landed at 6 that evening…By the time I was out of the airport to catch a red Volvo that would take me to the main city, it was almost 7…I still remember, I had occupied seat no 24…Me, in my complete black attire (as usual), with my red luggage and my trademark coffee (that I had picked up from the airport stall), yeah, like a super strong kid I was all set to rush to the cute city…What made me doubly excited was my phone…I was continuously on it (from the time I had landed) talking to someone whom I then believed to be my soul mate…Yeah, yeah, this was one of the many reasons why I was extremely happy to be back in the place…’Cuz, we had bouquet of dreams, that we had craved together, over previous few years, were going to come true in the next few years (or did we think months???)...All we were discussing that evening was all those innocent dreams and hopes…We were at the peak of our excitement, happy, and in fact overwhelmed, ‘cuz we believed nothing could and yeah, would go wrong from that point…And, yeah, that was when this particular song was being played in the bus, over and over again…It was a new song, by Atif, pre releasing the movie, and was accumulating a lot of popularity…And, yeah, you guessed it right, it was a romantic number, which was adding the extra glitters to my eyes…

The next day was my first class in my MBA course…And so was his…He was on the way to a place which was away from the city…And, that was the only thing that had made me little sad that evening, ‘cuz we would not meet each other for at least some time…But, we had bigger plans, so this didn’t matter much… We were going to start a new life...And, we believed, end of it was the world we were dreaming of in all those days till then...We believed, we would soon going to be together again once we finish doing what we had planned to do in the next few months…And then, we believed, our small world would be complete…We believed, we were destined to be one, one day, ‘cuz, we were bonded by love…And, no matter what, this bond would keep us tied forever, and for always…We knew, things would change...And we believed, they would change exactly the way we wished for...Exactly the way we dreamt of, with our eyes, open and closed…That evening, we were soaked in an ocean of dreams, hopes of fulfilling those, and most importantly in love…And, that’s how, without me knowing (and acknowledging) the evening marked a stone-craved presence in my memory…

Well, over the time, the days ahead didn’t really turn out to be what we had dreamt of, what we had planned as and what we believed to be…Yeah, things did change...But, not the way we hoped and wished for...They happened, with a turn of an angle, that’s of complete 360 degree...Those dreams we saw together turned out to be mere illusions, those plans we made together turned out to mere insanity, those wishes we hoped to come true turned out to be just some pages of my diary…Everything changed…We lost ourselves to the insanity and craze of situations, which we thought would never affect us…We changed our priorities (did we really have to???), we changed our ways to look at life, we changed our views on life, and most importantly we changed (or we forced to change) the way our hearts beat…Yeah, love was a mistaken identity, care was replaced by avoidance, and the world we wanted together was nothing but a non-existent entity…Yeah, things did change… All, that we had together stayed merely as some moments of the bygone days and those moments kept walking on the memory lanes…Someday, accidentally, even I end up walking along those, and yeah, relive them….But, certainly accidentally, not willingly…

And, today, as I listen to this song, everything from that evening is rushing back, flashing back to my memory, engulfing my senses...Me, dressed all black, seat no 24, looking at the fast running greenery through the window, engaged in the freshness of the outskirt beauty of the city, my phone stuck to my ears, his exciting and soothing voice over it, loads of reasonless giggles, loads of useless chatters, loads of unnecessary pauses...Well, everything, yeah, everything is just so so fresh in my memory...I’m not sure how I feel at this moment, but one thing I’m really sure of, and that’s being, I’m stunned right now…’Cuz, even if I didn’t ever realize, it’s almost 4 long and long years, since I had that evening…

Well…These songs, I tell you...Can really make one crazy...And, yeah, probably that’s what I truly am right now…

AWAY FROM THE PAIN...

Well...The last week was a kind of emotional and traumatic journey for me...Well, nothing exactly happened directly to me...But, my near and dear ones were going through a really rough patch and that had made me kind of lose my peace of mind...My close ones were suffering from emotional breakdowns and somehow that had not gone too well with my understanding and love for life, and that had left me wondering highly negatively on human emotions, feelings and worse, on human relationships...And, in a word my inside was (and still is) cracked, crashed and broken, never to be mended again...

Practically, it's that time of my life, when I'm supposed to think about relationships on a serious note, should start thinking about getting a partner for life, and thereby think about starting a family...But, the
things constantly happening around me, just do not let me think on that line...What's worse, I have no clue, if any day I will be able to take things the way I'm supposed to, or rather take things easy and
practically, rather than taking them in a complicated and logical way...I guess, I really need to take a serious call...A call on letting myself see that at times, we need to witness a few emotional nightmares, need to go through a not-so-exciting roller coaster ride of emotional cacophony, need to make a few sacrifices, need to let few things go…and most importantly need to get ourselves together to resume the journey called life, all over again…

Well, I don't want to be philosophic and comment on anything that interests different individuals differently and thereby don't want to analyze anything from anyone's point of view...But personally, I'm certainly disturbed with human relationships being exploited the way they are (at least around me)...And all I can do is, scream from inside 'Why', and keep screaming...Certainly, I have no answer to my whys...And, I get confused even more, disturbed even more and lose faith in people even more with these unanswered whys of mine...Wish, things were little different, and wish I didn’t have to come across people who break trusts, insult faith and feelings of any kind don’t bother them...But, the saddest part is things don't happen the way we wish to, and hence, even I have been witnessing incidents and accidents that have left my heart bruised and me completely perplexed...And certainly it's not a feeling I ever wished to go through, at all...

Coming back to the root of my outbursts, I fail to understand one basic thing…It’s about relationships between two matured individuals….When two people get into a relationship, it means TWO PEOPLE are into it...And, that means, a decision that has importance and significance in both of their lives, should be taken on the basis of mutual understanding and relevance, and not as per only one's will, wish and convenience....But, in reality it doesn't seem to happen that way...In most of the situations, it so happens that when it comes to minor avoidable matters (including what time one gets up, what he ate in lunch, what he's planning for in the evening), apparently one cares to share each and everything, and, on the other hand, the important decisions of life are taken without the other person's concern, in fact without even knowledge...What's worse, these decisions are those ones, which can make or break an individual (and if he happens to be a little weak, those might even end one's life)...But, no, while taking these decisions, it so happens that, the other person is kept in sheer darkness...He doesn't even know, something is about to happen, and certainly is unknown to the repercussions of the same...It sounds so strange and unreal, and non-practical, and untrue, but, hell yeah, these do happen, and are constantly happening in the world...Well, I can forget about the world at this moment, cuz, these days these sort of things are happening around me, with people who are my dear and near ones...And, truly speaking these are making me lose faith in people, emotional connections and certainly relationships...I know I’m not being right on my part and being cruel to myself, but, well, I'm helpless...

Whatever I know from my limited knowledge on social science, history, anthropology, and anything of that sort, I always knew that, the one thing that holds the utmost importance in human society since time unknown, is relationships, which is again, a collective definition of love, emotions and feelings...And, that's how the human society was supposed to be...Relationships mattered more than anything, marriages were meant for lives, and words like commitment, dedication, togetherness were worshipped in all the ages...But, today, all these seem utterly meaningless...At a single time, people dare to carry on with a marriage, along with two other people (of course none knows about none) outside it...At a single time, people can be with two people, completely different from each other...Why!!!! Cuz, they want to experience both the worlds...Hell, yeah...That’s happening these days, in our so called edgy society, and we are witnessing it on a daily basis…We’re not able to do anything even if we witness these happening to others, and there comes a time, when these happen with us too…And yes, again, we are not able to anything…We cry, we crib, we curse the person who did wrong with us, we analyze every possible reason why those happened with us, we find faults in ourselves, we lock ourselves away from others for a while…And then, we come back to the real world, where these things have turned into something very common, and worse, people take it so easy…Are they really so practical???Or just that they are running out of emotions to even show how shocked they are???Could be anything…Yes, it could be anything…And why not, everything and everyone is so casual today, and more than that, unpredictable today…

I fail to understand, aren't these things, incidents and accidents completely based on materialistic happiness???And the sadistic part is, these happinesses are momentary and even those involved in those know it...But, they happen to ignore them...Reasons???It doesn't matter as long as they are finding some pleasure…Even if that’s at the cost of their loved ones’ tears…It doesn’t matter as long as they are sure of not looking back at those moments (and they are certainly sure of this)…And, yes, it’s pure selfishness…I realize, you need to be individualistic and self-centered to make it big in life, but hell, not selfish…Cuz, the moment you be selfish, all you think about is you and your happiness, even if that comes at the cost of others’ broken heart, bruised soul and crashed identity…Is it fair???Certainly not…But, why we fail to see that???No one has the answer…


Well, I’m certainly in a maze these days…In that maze, I’m losing the capacity to judge people, on the basis of what they portray…Losing the capacity to understand what makes human relationships survive, despite of thousand blows on them…Losing the capacity to realize the difference between situational demand and people’s actual motive…Losing the capacity to absorb the actual reality and prevailing reality…Yes, I’m in a maze…And my emotions running deep, can find no relevance to the world I’m exposed to…I know, these emotions are true, and honest but, I’m scared to even show this vulnerable side of mine to the world…Cuz, after witnessing what can happen to one with an emotional depth, I’m scared, lest my emotions too suffer from the same…Lest, I’m made to witness situations which will bruise my complete being…Yes, I’m scared…I don’t want to be a soul screaming out for help, but is unheard…And, probably that’s why, I’m thinking, I need to stay away…Away from all the agony, pain, tears and helplessness a situation could create… In a word, away from an emotional relationship…

IT'S JUST ME....THE REAL ME...

Many a times I don't behave as I feel inside...

At times
I look strong on surface
I overcome problems in a blink
I can fight any difficulty
And, I can make others feel I don't need them....
But, the truth is
When I look the strongest
I'm the weakest deep down
I wear a layer of invisible shield
That hides my delicate soul
That's scared of the cruel world...

At times...
I look so weak on surface
I need someone feeding me
I want someone hugging me
I fail to even make myself a coffee
And, I can't make my tears stop even at the slightest hitch...
But, the truth is
When I look the weakest
I'm the strongest deep down
My delicate face hides everything
The ready-to-face-all-hurdles self
The determination and strength inside...

But then, it's just me...
Li'l strange, li'l predictable
Li'l crazy, li'l reliable
But always ready to
Face life, exactly the way it comes...
Yes, it's just me...the weird but real me...

CRISIS OF A SINGLE GIRL....

Well, finally, I guess I have a crisis…I mean, me, being a 25 years old, it’s officially very genuine that I should face this (in fact, and luckily I’m facing it little later than a normal girl), but then what can I do…All these years, I was happy realizing that, me, being my dad’s princess, I would not have to go through anything of this sort…Well, it seems, I was insanely wrong…And, now, as I recall that lately I’m actually having some major arguments with my mum over this topic (yes, I’m going to come to that), I realize, yes, I’m going through a real crisis…A crisis, that every girl has to go through in some point of their life…Especially, those who are single, or should I say, who don’t have a boyfriend…I guess, this one is more appropriate…

Well, finally, I guess I have a crisis…I mean, me, being a 25 years old, and especially being a girl, it’s officially very genuine that I should face this (in fact, and luckily I’m facing it little later than a normal girl), but then what can I do…All these years, I was happy realizing that, me, being my dad’s princess, I would not have to go through anything of this sort…Well, it seems, I was insanely wrong…And, now, as I recall that lately I’m actually having some major arguments with my mum over this topic (yes, I’m going to come to that), I realize, yes, I’m going through a real crisis…A crisis, that every girl has to go through in some point of their life…Especially, those who are single, or should I say, who don’t have a boyfriend…I guess, this one is more appropriate…

Well, from my own personal point of view, being single can be one of the most exclusive and enticing experiences you can have…You are free to do the best things in life, when you are single…You do not have to worry about leaving your boy friend behind when you go out on a ‘girls day out’ (you certainly feel sad about leaving him behind and having extreme fun, and thereby end up spending half of your shopping money buying gifts for him, as a making up gesture)…You do not have to worry about bringing your boy friend into your circle of friends (whom he doesn’t feel comfortable with and hence, feels odd, and thereby you need to stick to him, rather than executing why at the first place you came to your friends)… You do not have to plan your trip back home according to ‘both of your schedules’, and can fly back to see your parents any day you wish to…And, most importantly, you can save the time for your own small pleasures, that you have to save for your boyfriend to make him feel that he is a part of your life (and can use that time to write notes cribbing on any topic you wish to, painting some unreal portraits, sipping tropical ice bergs nonstop and the list goes on)…And, the list doesn’t end here…You can buy as many stilettos as you wish, without worrying about his heights, you can hog on any food without worrying to keep yourself fit to match his figure, and you can sleep as early as possible without worrying him (yes, he does worry when you don’t pick his calls, I guess he thinks you died)…And, once you experience this heavenly singleton, you know, single is the way to be…

But then, here comes the list of negatives, that bunch together to create a crisis…When you are single and have a group of friends who are no less than your soul mates, problems start…One best friend of yours thinks the other to be your boyfriend, and thousand reasons seem less to convince him that things are not the way he assumes to be…Well, certainly he doesn’t go away from you (‘cuz he’s your best friend, and will stand by you no matter what), but, his perception of you and the other best friend being a couple has no real cure…What’s more, your girl best friend tries to convince you to start a relationship with her cousin, or her childhood best friend whom she thinks can keep you happy all your life(she wants you to have a happy life you see)…

If you are a single girl, all the single guys around you seem to have a problem with that…They go on trying to flirt with you, and if you are genuinely friendly (overlooking and ignoring their crappy lines that they think they can impress you with), they think you are flirting back…And if you are genuinely rude, they think it’s a ‘Keep following me dude, I’ll be yours one day’ trick you are playing on them, and hence they pursue you even more… And, finally you lose your peace of mind…And, to be honest, this problem has no major solution…

Now, come to the worst dilemma on the list…When you are single, your mum thinks you are running away from marriage…She keeps trying her level best to know, if you have a boyfriend, and if you don’t, they think you are one of those kind, who doesn’t care for relationships…She starts looking for some idiot to make your match with him, and if you deny, she gets genuinely upset, ‘cuz she starts doubting her ability on bringing you up (certainly she thinks she brought you up to be an anti-relationship rebel)…And, those tears of hers, it’s really difficult to wipe, in turn, they make you super guilty…Your world seems foggy, with pain and tears, and guilt, and so on…

Well, what can I say…Crisis is actually an understatement for this series of trauma…I know, I know, being in love is one of the best things in life, and if you ask me, I’m a true follower of love, and thereby relationships…But, how do I make others understand that it’s not about love, relationship, having a boyfriend, or a marriage…It’s about getting into something, that I would not be able to handle and thereby which can challenge my sanity…I know, I can just ignore everyone, I can just forget the world, I can just forget who says what, and I can just let things bounce over my head…But, what I can’t just let slip out of my head, or rather my heart is that most of these who are concerned about me not having a boyfriend, are ones very close to my heart… And, at any cost they want me to be happy…And, every bit of their talks, anger, emotional colourmails, advices, requests, perusals (and all emotions of that kind), has only one focus…That being my happiness at the end of it…And, the result???I am tied up…And, the only thing I can do is take out my phone, type all what I feel (most of it are frustrated blabbers), and update on my social networking site (well, thank God, I have a page where no one would feel sad to read blabbers, if at all they read)…And, precisely that’s what I’m doing right now…

Uff…Being single, does really have a list of problems…And, dealing with them is a real crisis…And I don’t know what should I term it as…Crisis of being single…or...Crisis of a single girl…

CHANGE....AND THE HAPPINESS IT BRINGS...

It's just a matter of time how things change
It's just a matter of situations how feelings change
And, it's just matter of wish how lives change

At times, changes bring pain and tears
And, some other times, they bring the world
Coloured with love, passion and happiness

But, what makes these changes special
Are the people who come along, in every turn where changes occur
And, life gets beyond beautiful with their presence....

Feeling happy for myself these days
'Cuz, lot of changes have taken place in my life
In the last few years....
And, today, I'm happy
With what I've gained, and most importantly whom I've met
'Cuz of those changes.....

THESE DAYS...I"M ME....

These days, I'm me
With my smile intact on my lips
With my peace intact in my mind
And, with my feelings intact in my heart....

These days, I'm me
Without any tears in my eyes
Without any pain in my soul
And, without any troubles in my life....

Yes, these days
I don't think of you anymore
I don't cry for you anymore
And, I don't need you anymore....

Yes, these days
I have let your memories die
I have made your story end in my life
And, I have freed myself from your shadow....

With you, I had a fairy tale and I was a damsel in distress
But, without you, I'm me, the stronger, braver and fearless self
And, that's how
I have found me....

Yes, these days, I'm me....

IT'S TIME TO STAY AWAKE...WITH HER STORY...

From my Diary: October 9th, 2011, 12.59 PM

It's late at night...And as usual, I'm sitting in the kitchen, catching up with my late night glass of chilled coffee and the weekend special edition of the newspaper...As I sip on my coffee and finish one article, I take a break for a while, and before moving on to the next, I start a conversation with the other girl in the quiet kitchen, Preet...From her busy movements from the wash basin to the gas stove to the freeze to the microwave, she responds to my queries...And as she does, as always she amuses me...

It's nearly been a year, I came to stay at this place, and, almost the same amount of time, I've known this girl Preet...She comes to this place, everyday, at around 11.30 at night, and does her share of cleaning up the kitchen, washing the utensils used throughout the day, making sure that everythin in the rest of the house is in place, and finishing all the necessary arrangements for the next morning...And, when the morning comes, she prepares the tea for four people (including me), cooks food for two and does the morning round of cleaning up the house, before she leaves at 10 to start the rest of her day...She has been a real surprise and amusement for me for all these time, and that is the reason why I initiate conversations with her everytime I can manage...And, to add a cherry on top of the already yummy cake, she narrates her story in such a jovial manner that it always perfectly compliments my late night chilled coffee...

Today, she tells me, that she has attended some seminar on dental therapy this afternoon...Oh, did I tell you about her job in a dental clinic??I guess not..Yes, every morning, after she goes back from our place, she goes to her permanent job of being a help to a dentist...And that is not the end, after coming back from the clinic by 9 every night, she also attends to her daily household chores at her own home...Then she finishes her dinner, and comes to our place by 11.30...Yes, everyday, she works 3 shifts...3 back to back shifts...Not to mention, it's being Mumbai, she travels in local trains, at the rush hours, walks from the station to her place and it's something she does without a hitch and of course the slightest complaint...

She tells me that her seminar was at Lower Parel and after reaching home, she cooked fish curry for her family...I ask her, doesn't she get tired...'I'm used to to it', comes her reply...She seems very happy for having cooked something special for her family for a Saturday dinner...'It was Navaratri na, so nobody in the family had eaten non vegetarian for last 9 days, so cooked today...Actually I was tired, but so many days mum and dad didn't have this kind of food...So ended up cooking', she explains to me...I get surprised as I realise how one can think so much at a given point of time, espicially when one has a life like Preet's, in which, she has to devote more thank 17 hours, sorting other's lives than her own...Yes, at any given point of time she thinks about others...Others' priorities are hers, and she has hardly anything left for herself...At least one would definitely feel so when they see Preet for the first time....

But, no...One who knows Preet a little more, he would know, she had also planned her life...Sometime's back, in a conversation like today's, she had told me what she wants to do in life...Of course, being a girl from a typical local family, she wouldn't have dreamt of making it highly big in her professional life...And most obviously she hasn't, but, as a daughter (or should I say, an earning daughter), she has done what she should and has to do...She has completed her complete studies with her own hard earned money...She supports her parents with her share of contribution towards the family spending, bears all the cost for her brother's studies....And, and...and...At this point of time, she has made sure that she has her future secured financially...Yes, the most amusing fact of this girl is that, she has done everything that is ideally done by somebody who's highly matured and experienced in life...And if you go by her age, she is 3 years younger to me!!!

It's amazing, how some people know how to handle life the way it appears in front of them...It's amazing to see how some people don't consider problems as problems, rather find out solutions gracefully...It's surprising to see, how for some people, life is all about living every moment with an open mind rather than complaining about the non existent possibilities...It's so inspiring to see, how some people don't consider hardships as barriers to their existence, rather take as the most usual way of life, and thus succeed attaining mental peace...

As the twinkle in this girl's eyes starts transforming into my soul, I realize, yes, life is all about finding small happinesses in the mundanes...No matter what comes on our ways, if we start taking them as something we can do, nothing can stop us from implementing those....A little vision, a little maturity, a little understanding, a little patience and a little readiness in our mindsets, to accept and find happiness in any situation, and we are all set to conquer the world...And that's when comes other positivities too on our way...Other positivities being peace of mind, joy of living, purpose of existence and of course the worth of being human....(Ah! sounds like Salman Khan's trust, but on a serious note no)...

I'm done with my coffee...And Preet is with her chores...She wishes me goodnight and leaves the kitchen, leaving me behind...I switch the lights off, but sit back on the chair... I'm not ready to sleep yet...Probably, because, it's one of those rare times, when my senses are awake...And I really wish, they stay that way, at least for a while....

THAT'S HOW WE PARTED...

'You didn't have to come'...He said, looking away...It's more than half an hour we were together that evening, and he hadn't looked into my eyes, not even once...And it had left me clueless, whether it was really that he didn't want to, or he just couldn't...Regardless of the reason, I knew exactly what was going to happen, at the end of that evening and that had made me get few painful pangs in my stomach...I wished, I could make that moment stop, and not let the evening come...I just wished…

As I ran my fingers aimlessly over the coffee menu, I asked, 'So'...My eyes met his, briefly, and the next moment he looked away, again...'You say', all he said...Yes, I had to say…Yes, I had to ask…I wanted to ask him, why did he send me the text which he had the previous evening...I wanted to ask him, what had made him take such a decision...I wanted to ask him, didn't he think about me, even once, before he had made up his mind...I wanted to ask him, how, once sweet, innocent and always soft spoken ‘Baby’ of mine could be so brave to say what he had, in that text…But, no word came out of my mind...i kept numb…I sighed...I looked away too, to hide my tears, which had refused to listen to me anymore...And I went back to the previous evening, when I had to witness one of the most difficult moment of my life, followed by one of the most painful evenings of my life...

It was the last day of my internship...Summer had really taken a cruel peak that year, and with an internship that made me have more than 5 meetings back-to-back, everyday, I was almost in the verge of getting insane...Thankfully, everything had a point where it ended, and the internship was coming to an end that day...And I was happy, I had enough reasons to be happy...One, a very important one, being I was going to meet him...It was more than a quarter of the year I hadn't met him...Unfortunately, his internship was in a different city and the freaky maddening schedule of assignments of the internship had made both of us give very little time to each other...To make things even crazier, after a maddening fight over all the useless reasons a month back, it was rare that we were able to have a heart-to-heart conversation...Therefore, with all the reasons together, end of the internship was something I had been looking forward to with all my heart... And I was sure; he was waiting for the same too…Although, now I realized his reasons were not the same as I imagines them to be…

That evening, however, things were not stored for me, as I would have liked them to be...As the day was turning to be a beautiful evening, and I was at the zenith of my happiness, I had a text message on my phone...It was from him...It was a short message, but one of its kind...One of those kind, that had the power to devastate my life...One of those kind, that had the power to turn my life into a living hell...And one of those kind, that had the power to turn me lifeless...And, truly it did...The 2 liner read, 'I think we should go our own ways...We're not meant to be together'...The rest of the evening was something I would never like to remember in any point of my life...For few hours, I was not able to realize, what had happened...And when I did, I knew my whole world was crashing down...

After a sleepless night that followed the evening, I had got into the first bus I could know would reach the small town I intended to go...And now I was there, in front of him...Sitting in the same coffee shop, where we had sat six months before too...But things were not same this evening, as they were six months back…Then we were happy, and now we were not...Then, I was myself, enjoying with the guy I love, my hands in his...And today, we were sitting far across from each other, and our hearts even further...We were not into each other anymore...My soul inside was screaming helplessly…In that scream, my voice had lost its existence, and I had ended up sitting numb and quite...

'Ma'am, your coffee', the uniformed waiter at the coffee shop brought the coffee he ordered for me...He knew everything about me, including the coffee I would like to have...But today, that hadn't made me happy, my inside was crying, screaming and cursing him, 'cuz, it knew, any of what he was doing for me today, was not more than just a gentle gesture and that he didn't care for me anymore...My inside was soaked in some stupid arrogance which kept telling me that I should yell at the silent guy in front of me, cuz despite of knowing how much he was wanted in my life, he had decided to move away from me...My inside was dipped in endless tears, which kept reminding me that the guy sitting in front of me was not mine anymore...And, every time I started looking at those eyes of him, my own eyes betrayed me...'Cuz, unlike always, I couldn’t see the love and care they reflected for me..'.Cuz unlike always, they didn't speak to me...And unlike always they didn't seem familiar to me...

It was more than a couple of hours, we sat that way...and more than a couple of coffees, we ordered, just to leave untouched...Words were rare, feelings were dry, tears were more...Neither of us knew, what to say, how to behave, how to react...All we were doing was stealing few looks at each other...Time was passing by...I knew I had very less time with him, and I didn't want it...I wished I could make the clock stop running...I wished I could make the last sunrays of the day stop...I wished I could just get into his arms and forget the world...I wished I could just realize that all that was happening around me was just in my imagination and in real I was with him, holding his hands...I wished he would just call me his Princess and make me feel the luckiest girl around...But I knew, none of it was going to happen...I knew, that, once we were out of this place, we would never meet each other again...I knew, no matter what, we were already miles away from each other...I knew, the 'WE' that always existed, was already a history...

'I will leave then'...I said as I walked to the bus station where my return bus was waiting...He handed me my bag...It was dark everywhere, the lights away had made the place a magical one...The bus had started getting occupied...As he handed my ticket, he arranged my disobedient hair on my face...I was shivering...The touch of his hand, which was so familiar to me was still the same...And it made me get chills through my veins...My eyes dampened...He could know that...He wiped them off...For the first time in that evening he took me in his arms...He kissed my eyes...I didn't resist...Neither my tears, nor my increasing sob, nor him...

I let myself sob, and sob, and sob...Right in his arms...'Cuz I knew, that was the last time I was crying like that, I knew, that was the end of it all, I knew that was the moment when we were closing the most beautiful chapter of my life...I didn't know, for how long I was in his arms, crying my heart out...But when I did, it was time, I got into the bus...To start a journey, all alone...It was also the time, I got into the paths of life..To start a ride, all alone, where I didn't have him...'Cuz it was the time, we have chosen to go our different ways...

Yes, it was the time, we had departed, from each other, from being one...Yes, it was how we parted...Our ways, towards two separate ones…Parallel…And never to meet again… Anywhere…