MOTHER'S DAY'S EVE AND A THOUGHT... MISS YOU MOMU...

These days everywhere I go I see advertisements on how to choose the perfect gift for your mom... Well, why not... Just 3 more days to go and it's Mother's Day... All the shopping portals online, almost all the food and beverage outlets, almost all retail stores, and yes, almost all the brands that are on women-oriented products, kids-oriented ranges and even male-oriented ones, are airing advertisements on relationships with one's mom and thereby giving continuous tips on how to make the special lady feel really special on the special day... No doubt, these are amazingly done emotional pieces and can connect so very well with anyone and everyone, even if he or she is not the most emotional kind, living on earth... And, as a passionate advertising professional these really draw my attention and I happen to go through each of the lot... And, that's when this realization of mine takes me on for a stroll that they are actually influential... Cuz, these days I'm missing my mom, more than I generally do, and somehow I have put an effort to strike a conversation with her more frequently than I generally do... And, here I go, with my most genuine way to show my feelings, which happens to be scribbling down my emotions, and yes, this note of mine is to especially say that 'I love you' to the most amazing lady in my life, my Momu...

Well, from time to time, I do keep scribbling on my Momu and Dita... And, mostly things happen this way that, I happen to prefer Dita when it comes to talk on exciting things... He, being the coolest dad ever one can imagine,
makes me feel that I'm the best daughter alive in the universe and that somehow makes me walk on seventh heaven, and that's how I prefer sharing most of my good-bad-ugly things with him, rather than dragging Momu into those... This is mainly cuz, I always had and still do, a feeling that Momu, being the tough lady I can ever think of meeting all my life, would criticize me and my what-and-why-abouts and probably at times that would hit me on my weak points... And, this feeling of mine has been there, stuck in my head from time unknown, probably since the time I was a kid... If I remember
correctly, during my school days too I had acted a complete rowdy and illogical with my Momu, and on the contrary always acted the sanest and the most innocent kid when it came to be with my Dita... And, that's how my impression on my Momu and Dita was completely different from each other and towards two extremities... While my Momu knew the actual me, Dita always saw the best of me... Nonetheless, I grew up the same way and when I came away from both of them for my studies and then work, things never changed... And, I hardly had a feeling that they
would ever do...

But then, as time has been passing by, and I have been growing up, I realize, I have developed an unavoidable urge to walk on my mom's shoes and be like her... Yes, somehow, I have started to wish to be the combination of so many amazing qualities that my mom is... A combination of unbreakable toughness when it comes to patience, the unshakable focus when it comes to get where she wishes to be, the forever-composed serenity when it comes to handling her kids, the unmistakable passion to make her family the happiest on earth and most importantly the never-ending love for almost everything that's fair and justified...Well, it's so obvious that, even if I keep trying all my life, this birth and also next two, combined, I won't be able to be half as what she already is... The plain reason being, no matter what, I would always lack the maturity, intelligence, passion, drive and most importantly the personality of what it takes to be my Momu... And, most definitely I'm certain that every single lady on earth would agree to this truth that no matter what, they can never be like their moms... And actually, we feel proud about this, and most certainly we should, cuz having the most gorgeous and amazing mom is one of the rarest blisses in life and truly speaking, it's pure luck...

Coming back, yeah, as I have been adding pages to the calender of my life, I realize, I have been growing to build up the passion to be like my Momu... And, I actually amazed myself when I first realized this... Cuz, considering my preference to my dad all these years of my life, I was most obviously supposed to be wanting to be like him... Yeah, it's a fact that I'm filled with more traits similar to my dad than my mom, but when it comes to be like them, I have developed an honest and very very strong wish to be like my mom... Suprisingly for me, that was not what I had ever consciously decided, and so in my senses I never planned that way, never wished that way and most importantly never thought that way... And therefore, first time when I realized the same, I happened to ignore it, thinking that's cuz I had met her and spent some more time than usual with her just prior to getting the streak of that sort...

Yeah, it was my last visit home, when I had actually spent some quality time with my mom... It was last summer, and mom and me had in true sense bonded for the very first time, and soon it had turned into a mature friendship... For the first time in my 25 years old life, she decided that I was mature enough to confide on, and that's how we shared so much over those endless cups of tea (tea being my mom's favourite, and for a change I never complained on getting served tea rather than my trademark coffee!), over those quiet sittings in the kitchen, over those walks on the terrace, and also over those busy rushing arounds... And, to my surprise, I had actually seen a completely diffrerent personailty of my mom from the one I had always known... I realized, behind that tough and never-back-down face of my Momu, there still exists a vulnerable lady, who hides all her fears behind that tough outlook... I realized, like any soul on earth she also has her insecurities, her fear of losing what she has, her fear of facing the worst, her fear of losing out anything priceless on her family and kids, and most importantly her fear of losing the love of anyone whom she loves and cares for... I realized, although she has grown up to be the strong and powerful identity that she is, who can make anyone tremble with the mere strength in her voice, yet she still has the innocence of a kid at heart... Like a kid, she too gets scared of the dark and complex, like a kid she also gets afraid to face the difficult and alien, and like a kid she also wants someone to protect her and put their arms around her when she's down and blue... I also realized, that, it's her will-power and the drive to make it happen, that takes her all along to make everyone's life such smooth and easy, such picture perfect and most importantly such happy and blessed...

As for me, this came as a sheer surprise, and along with that also as an eye opener.... Cuz, as far as I remember till then, I hardly knew of an incident when my mom had lost her cool, and had reacted in a way that couldn't be mended... She had never ever let anything bad come on us, she had never ever let our smiles fade, she had never ever let my dad face anything alone and most importantly she had never shown any weaknesses as far as my memory could reach... But, now she told me that, all those times, whenever any difficulty had taken its stroll on us and our family, she was equally scared like my dad, me and my brother... But then, she would never be impatient, cuz she knew, if she did, the rest of us would even not have the courage to think about solving those mazes... She told me, everytime she saw the slightest trace of tension on my dad's face, she was even more worried than him, but she always managed to hide it, cuz she always realized that if she didn't, dad would have no way to justify his courage to fight those tensions...

I was at a loss of words... My Momu, whom I knew to be almost of non-emotional kind, had so much to pour out... I was amazed when I tried looking back at time... From the very first memory of mine with my mom, I remebered her to be the tough and never-forgiving lady who teaches Assamese literature, and the slightest mistake on grammer from her students drove her crazy... I remembered her to be the one who tried teaching me the same too and other subjects along and which used to be something I could never like... I remembered her to be the strict mother who never used to like me mingling with each and everybody around, and which used to make me question 'why'... I remembered her to be the strong mother who could criticize me when I was wrong, even though I hated it then... And all these memories of mine had made me relook at those once again when I realized that I had always known a complete different facet of my Momu before that particular day...

Well... Things somehow started changing from then on... I could so much relate to my mom after that, so much better than before... I could so realize how it is to be a woman of strong responsibilities, and even stronger urge to carry them on... In a word, I could realize what it is to be someone like my Momu... And probably this realization has also made me realize that even without my own knowledge it was always her, whom I want to see myself to be like, one day... It was always her who I actually aspire to be, personally and also professionally... Such strong was and is her influence on me.... Yeah, probably it was always like that, without even me knowing the same...

And that's how, these days, as I see all these advertisements and write-ups on Mothers' Day celebration, all the emotions regarding one's mom, everything that describes the bonding between mom and her kids, these truly make me realize the priceless relationship one shares with his/her mother... I get emotionally touched, miss my own Momu, mostly go back to those warm and quality time spent with her... And, mostly also start regreting those times, when I had actually not bothered to know her deeper and in a true manner... I regret for not putting any effort to make her realize that I could be her best friend, that I could be the one she could share her real feelings with, that I could be her 3 am friend... I regret for not knowing the priceless gift God had always kept just next to me... But, nonetheless, I know it now...

And, so, this is to let you know my Momu, that probably I'm late in trying to know you better, but I'm trying now... I promise one day I would definitely succeed in being your friend... I promise one day you would feel proud of me, if not for anything else, for the plain reason of making myself stand upto be the one you could put your trust and faith in... I promise, I would most definitely make you feel happy on the fact that I've grown up to be like you... Yeah, Momu, all I wish to be is loke You... Cuz, knowingly or unknowingly you're the inspiration that makes me fight anything difficult coming on my way... Thanks for being there Momu... You would never be able to measure, how each and every word of yours have started being the source of pure inspiration in my life lately...

Love you with all my heart Momu... You're the most gorgeous, the bravest and the most amazing mom I could have ever asked God for...

BIZARRE THOUGHTS, SELF-CONTRADICTION AND AN ENTRAPPED SOUL...

Scribbles on behalf of those few I have come across in recent days, who happen to be divided into many pieces, cuz they want to make their loved ones happy, and their loved ones don't seem to get this right...

Well… Realization has once again been taking its stroll in my senses, or rather in my life…And as it does, I see myself being lost in a space I don’t seem to connect with, and can’t figure out if at all I’m familiar with it… And of course, I’m not… The way I always seem to live my life, this phase comes as a veiled illusion and I seem to find no way to recognize the shadowed images underneath…

Yeah, personally, this is what I’m going through these days… And, if I decide to conclude that it’s only me in this space, I would be unmistakably and unforgivingly wrong… ‘Cuz, as I come across people around me, this is a common phenomenon in everyone’s life… And, if you happen to be someone as young as of 25 years of age, life is ready to shoot at you with few extra fierce bullets…

And yeah, most certainly I fail to understand these zillion difficulties people around me are facing… Cuz I realize factors that have made them suffer are nothing to do with their personal ignorance or personal inabilities… Rather these difficulties come from biased perceptions of what’s right and what’s wrong… And, at some point these depress me… In a world, where we’re talking everyday of creating an unbiased society, in the same world, our own thoughts are based on personal bias, and there are million people suffering ‘cuz of it… I know, I sound like a social activist right at this point, but I have no intention of being one… But, things that take my peace of mind away seem to fall in this category, in simple words true social malfunction…

And where are my thoughts coming from???....Well, recently I happened to meet a dozen of my friends… Well, not all together, and not under the same roof, in fact none of them is familiar to none other, but, each of them is my friend… And, as we had our individual conversations, I realized, life has decided to hit really hard on them… Each of them has their share of problems that nobody else would be able to understand, and the worst part nobody else would care to understand… Well, honestly, no one can be blamed for not understanding other’s problem, as every single one on this planet has their own set to deal with… And, so ultimately everyone has but no choice to struggle though a million emotional break downs while dealing with these problems…

Life is always been said to bring bags of undefined situations, unexpected twists, unexplainable circumstances and most importantly uncertain and sudden events… In the roller coaster ride of life, a million hurdles of uncertainty create its unavoidable affect, not to make the ride exciting always, at times even to break one down to pieces that can’t be gathered again… And, hence, life, being ‘only once’ entity, goes if not wasted, non-effective in a larger picture… Cuz, these lives, who fail to fight back the horror and terror of breaking down, can’t really be expected to add anything to the bigger world out there…

Well, coming back to those fragmented stories, that had made me type these relentless thoughts of mine, I’m yet to find out the actual reasons behind them… In the gang of friends that I met, if someone is fighting tough to win the battle of life in order to make a mark for himself, someone is finding it difficult to fight back those tears that have come from having to cut into two halves, one being her ignorant parents and the other half being the person she loves… If someone is ignorant of growing up and face the world by being able to take criticism personally and professionally, someone is taking time longer than estimated to come back to life after a heartbreak… If someone is failing in all his trials of standing up to the expectations of his parents, someone is finding it a question of life and death how to give some happiness to his family… Yeah, everybody is going through, in his/her own words, what can be called as an ocean of disheartening attacks… Everybody is suffering while trying to accomplish the dreams they had seen, into reality… Everybody is wiping silent tears of unfulfilled desires… Everybody is travelling on roads unknown to their conscious senses… In a way, like some musician said, ‘Everybody is broken’… Broken into pieces, cuz of the never-ending, un-nerving blows of what we call as life…

Life, in its simplest form tells us to live… But, doesn’t say how… And, that’s where we lose ourselves… Yeah, we do find ways to live life… And, some of them stand to be the right ways, and some other wrong… But, if we try figuring out the water running deeper, we realize, right and wrong are two such relative concepts… Things that stand the rightest right in my dictionary fail to convince others as the same, and so are categorized to the extreme wrong… But, if I look at the rights which others perceive to be, I find grouping those as sheer wrong… Reasons?? Cuz, others ‘right’s fail to make me happy, and so I rebel… Rebel to make others understand that what I believe in is the right for me, cuz, I know where my happiness lies… And, no matter what, only this will justify my existence… My existence of being me by doing what I want to do… But alas, my opinion and my views are the last on the list of considerations that are made to let me live my own life… Yes, a million other factors tend to be appreciated more than my own will and wishes… And, at times, the ‘me’ surrenders to those factors… Well, maybe cuz I get exhausted fighting with those whom I really love and respect, or maybe cuz at that point, my realization tells me that it’s no point fighting for myself, or maybe I see a failed me in those attempts… Yeah, ultimately I surrender… Surrender to the million reasons my own people raise in front of me… Surrender to their happiness… Surrender to the failure of my own conscience… Yeah, that’s how I let myself take the path which others have defined for me as ‘right’, than what my conscious sense says as ‘right’ for me to exist…

I know, my thoughts are bizarre, and will at any point in time fail to convince those whom we look up to… I know my thoughts find no concrete way to be expressed in the right form… I know my thoughts seem to be sheer foolish efforts to prove the elder generation (who decide what’s right for me) some unnamed villains… But, honestly this is not what my intensions see and plan… Cuz, even I realize, and even I understand, my elders are the ones who have seen and experienced life in a better and larger way than I have, and hence have more knowhow of good and bad, right and wrong… All what I intend to do is to make a small yet hearty and grave request of giving me some space to breathe… Of letting me experience my life in my own way… Of letting me try to find out my own preferences, my own choices… Of letting me see the world from my own eyes, from my own view… Of letting me make my own efforts to survive the battles… And most importantly of letting me live, not just survive…

Well, as and when I see around and realize that rarely anybody is leading a life on his/her own terms and conditions (many say they do, but at some point they end up adjusting to some or the other situational excuses), I also realize, probably that is how things would always going to be… No matter what we say, no matter however much we want to ignore others and live selfishly, no matter how crazily we plan to follow only our own hearts, at the end, we tend to be what our loved ones expect us to be… We like to deny it, but ultimately we human beings are so conscious of others, especially the ones we care for… And, neutrally speaking, and in a way, that’s not bad at all… Cuz, this is what refrains us from bringing the world crashing down…

Yes, yes, I sound totally self-contradictory, my thoughts are contrasting to one another, and in a word I come across to be highly confused… And yes, that’s what I am right now… I’m being a lost soul, trying to decide what is that thing that gives me happiness without hurting the ones I love, and ones who love me… But I don’t seem to find a way to get the minutest clue… And, the more I try figuring things out, the more I get entangled in the web of my own thoughts… And, in this array of overflowing bizarre thoughts, I finish a day of my life… The sun sets, moonlight brightens the sky, and my exhausted body falls in the lap of sleep… And along with that my lost soul realizes, that, tomorrow it has to experience yet another day, which would end up too, like today, without finding an actual solution to find some peaceful moments for it…

P.S: 'I' doesn't really mean it's me... This is on behalf of those million 'I's, getting trapped in the dilema of choosing from between 'right for me' and 'percieved right'...

PARENTS ARE PARENTS...JUST A LITTLE TRIBUTE...

P.S: To my Dita and Momu, and to all the parents, with an apology on ignoring many of your words...

The other week, I had met a little kid... We happen to know each other out of nowhere, to be precise, I had first met him in a park where I stroll at times, and that’s how I know him… We do exchange words when we have time during my infrequent visits to that park… Last week too, he was there… He was there sitting quietly on the grass-bed, near a carefully manicured green bush… Unlike the other times, he was not in a jolly mood that day and I figured, hence, he was not playing, rather sitting alone… I sat next to him, and asked what happened… He was little hesitant to tell me his problems at first…But, since he realized, it would be better if he spoke to me, he told me why he was upset… He was upset with his parents, who wanted him to quit his cricket practice; they wanted him to rather go for some indoor games… I asked why… He told, some weeks back, he was injured and fainted while playing and from that time onwards, they were not happy him continuing the game… I understood the complete story…

The kid would not be more than 10 years old, and thereby in an age in which he learns to put his choices forward, and if contested by anyone, especially his parents, starts believing that he might not be the most favourite child of his parents... And, yeah, that makes him develop a mild at first, and strong gradually, disliking towards his parents... And, at certain point, he believes with his heart and soul that his parents have no love for him, and they don't really bother about his existence and his what-and-where-abouts...

Well, this is so normal... So brutally true... And, I can say this from my own point of view and of course experience... Cuz, I was no exception and I had gone through the same too… When I was a little kid, my parents never let me do many and many things which million others were doing... I was never left alone outside our gate, and evreytime I had gone out of my house, somebody accompanied me, always... I was never let go to school alone, my dad or mum dropped me, always... I was never let go to my morning tuitions alone, I was being dropped there and picked up too... Unlike other kids I was not left with them to play those silly games, instead I was brought a huge library... I was never let mingle with a lot of kids around... I was not let learn to ride a bicycle... And, yeah, the list goes on and on...

Most obviously, like what a normal kid of that age would have done, I always complained, I always cribbed, I always doubted my parents’ intentions, and even if not loudly, inside my heart I always rebelled... I had thousand questions to ask, but each of them had a common word in them, 'Why'... I always wanted to know and understand why I was not treated like any other kid was being treated as, why I was kept away from million things that seemed to be my birthright, and why I couldn't live my life the way everyone else around me was living... Well, I never really asked these aloud and probably my parents understood that as my understanding of their intentions, and so adored and appreciated the fact that I was not really a rebellious kid like others… But, the truth was really something different, I was tired of all the pampering, all the extra anxiety for me, all the extra hype about my brining up and I was so unhappy about these that I didn’t even feel like trying to know the actual reasons behind what they were doing… And along with it, all I could see was their continuous intentions to keep me away from a normal childhood...

But, after 25 years of my life, today I have all the answers to those why's that I had back then... I have all the reasons to understand why my parents did what they did, brought me up the way they did, and kept me away from many things... And along with it, I have all the reasons to bow down to their depth of understanding of their kids’ inside… Well, today, when I see myself and try to understand my own self, I realize I fail to do that… That’s cuz there’s immense complications inside my heart and my mind, and that leaves things really difficult for me to sort out… I miss out on things which are right and I should really accomplish, and thereby stay confused in millions situations… And, this is not a fact of the grown-up me… I have always been like that, from childhood, and this is why almost in 95 % of the instances, it’s truly difficult for me to handle a situation and for others to handle me… But, yeah, my parents always knew me, the real me… That was why they kept me away from many things which would have made my surroundings even more difficult for me to tackle… That was why they made me do things which today make me see reality in a better way…

Yeah, I was a really difficult kid back then… With a lot of people to make me feel like the princess of the house, and a lot other to make me not see the difficult side of life, I was truly difficult to handle… And in that scenario, it was so important for someone to really make me stay controlled and calm… And, yeah, my parents exactly did that… They forbade me from things that would keep me safe and sound from the prospective unfavourable situations… They never let me be alone cuz, they never wanted me to end up carelessly walking on roads… They never let me ride a bicycle cuz they never wanted me to end up having a broken limb… They never let me mingle with lot of kids cuz they didn’t want me to end up picking crazy habits of strolling aimlessly… Yeah, every bit of what they did was so well thought and premonitored…

If I look back now, I see my parents standing beside me every time I needed them and every time even if I didn’t… Well, yeah, they had never tried preaching in my freedom, but every time I got confused on anything, they had helped me sorting out the same… I remember all the instances when I used to worry on the school exams, and they saying me to just relax… ‘These exams are nothing big things you know, remember you’re made for bigger things in life’, is what my dad said… Well, I really have no clue what bigger things I would achieve, or I would achieve ever at all, but those surely made me let my tension vanish… I remember my dad getting me every possible thing around that can make my studies easier… I remember him never forcing me to get good marks in my exams lest I put more efforts than I could afford… He never got angry with me if I ever missed out on few marks in the exams, cuz most certainly I was more important for him than few mere marks… He always made a point that I realized him being there for me anytime I need a friend… I remember him discussing the world with me so that I start knowing it too… I remember my mum talking to me on things that made her be who she was… I remember her telling me to be what I wished to be, and not what everyone else was trying to be…

I have always seen my parent dealing me with so much respect… I remember my dad treating me like someone of his age than a little kid… I remember him always talking to me with so much respect and regards… He never raised his voice even if I pissed him off million instances… I remember my mum respecting my wishes (when they were positive) and let me do what made me happy… I remember all the times when I ignored my health for staying up late to finish my school work, and my mum waking up at the middle of the night and making me my favourite health drink and boiled eggs… I remember all the time when I suffered from high temperature and my dad weeping like a kid… I remember all the time when I used to get injured with my silly games, and my mum crying and rushing to fetch a doctor… Yeah, everything that my parents did, I know no one can ever in life do those for me…

And, I did fail to see all this, cuz I didn’t realize things the way I should have, at that point in time… I had never really seen any consequences of what my parents told me, and made me stay away from… Most certainly I had ignorance towards many facets of life, and I had not really seen the real world… But, today as I’m having a little experience on the real world around me, I see every validity of every word they have ever said… I see more reasons to follow as per their words than I had ever realized I would do… And along with it I also wish to go back and restart my life… Cuz, I know I have already missed out on many and many positive outcomes of following their words, and that’s cuz, knowingly and also unknowingly I have not really obeyed many of what they had said… Given a chance of restarting my life, I would not miss out even on a single word…

The kid that had complained on his parent’s intentions of not allowing cricket, would, I am sure, be someone like what I was in my childhood… Who fails to see the real reason behind what his parents say… I understood, and along with it also understood that, at this point, nothing would really make him able to realize the real scenario… I know at this point, all he would do is cry and crib, and thereby would try to make them allow him his game… But, one day, he would realize why his parents are so reluctant about him being into something that might cause threats to his being… I felt helpless for not being able to make the kid pre-view the same… Cuz, I myself can see it… But then, that’s cuz, I have already gone through this age… And, since I was not able to do anything to make the little kid understand, all I could do was wish a little… Of making him have little patience with his parents, and along with it little faith… Cuz, in this world, there’s no one like our parents, who would ever say a thing which would not have a depth and an equally deep meaning… Yeah, someone truly said, parents are parents, and nothing can ever, ever and ever match up to them…

JUST AN EXPRESSION...A PERSONAL FEELING, TALKING ALOUD...

When I was a little girl, like everyone else (or most of them) I dreamt of things that I would want to have in my life…Life, with all its abundance made me dream in my own way and that’s how I knew what made me happy and what sad…And, since I knew what made me happy, I always wanted to have only those…And, that’s how I grew up to be someone, who’s scared of trying for things that had chances of causing pain to my weak soul and making my eyes moist…Yeah, I always wanted to stay in my comfort zone, where things didn’t make me feel the real toughness of the world around…Fairytale was the favourite topic of all that I talked about, laces were on what I slept, turquoise blue was what I painted on canvas, always adored the morning sunlight peeping through my window to wake me up, talked to glittering stars at night and winked at them...Yeah, in a word, I lived in a world where reality was an alien concept…And, my parents, who believed in bringing their kids up like prince and princess and protect them like delicate flowers, never really tried to expose me to the big bad world…They always told me that life’s what we made out of it…And, this made me realize that life would always be exactly the way I would wish it to be…

And, that’s how I grew up…And, when I started understanding the concept of love, I created my own version of it too…Believed in that kind of love in which somebody would strum ‘You’re my religion’, in which somebody would climb up my window to give me the freshest bouquet of tuberoses, in which on the terrace down the star-studded sky we would have our meals, in which pearl bedded islands would be our everyday evening stroll destination, in which we would sit hours by the sea on warm sand…and on and on and on…In a word, there would be all the simplistic pleasures, and no tears…all the priceless moments, and no pain…all the happiness, and no crisis…And, as time passed by, I was definitely waiting for my own love story to take shape…Well, things did turn up the way I wished for million times, and also the other way round in some other millions…And, that’s how life brought its own set of roller coaster effects on my ride throughout…But, in that course, what never changed was the faith, with which I always waited for the next day to knock at my door…

Today, as I’m almost in the verge of completing my 25th year of existence, I look back and try realizing how things actually were…Well, as everyone says (and rightly says), this is one of the most difficult phase of anyone’s life…Half of our dreams are still to get fulfilled, trying hard to figure out what’s the best things for us to do, monotony is getting heavy on us, parents are worried of getting us into a family life, and in this chaos, we almost end up losing our minds…And, in this situation, its twice the more difficult for one to really handle things especially when the person is someone like me (not necessarily me)…And, by this, I mean to mean somebody, who believes in having a life that’s more like a bed of roses, with pearls and laces decorating the same…One who is adamant and reluctant to understand that the world is like the mountains from far off…From far of, you feel they are so smooth on the surface, but the closer you go you realize, it’s far from smooth…Life and world is also like that, far from being a fairytale…Far from being of pearls and laces…Far from being the warm beach by the turquoise blue…And, that’s when people like me start relooking at life…Was I a fool to dream the way I did…Was I not doing the right thing when I wanted to have my fairytale…Was I really underestimating the course of my journey of life…Well, I do not really have an answer…

Yeah, I do understand now, that the simple life that I always led has very little existence now…’Cuz, like everyone else, I’m also into a life that talks about nailing me down with its limitless complications…At times, I see no reasons why I need to hold on to things which are making my life such eventless entity…And, at some other times, I see every reason to just let things go and not bother much with anything…But, the truth remains something else…Which tells me to still keep holding on to the ‘faith’ that I always have been holding on to… And, if I put my heart to understand, why I should do so, I realize, I should hold on to faith, for the plain reason of living, and not just surviving…It’s faith, that has made me ME, ‘cuz, every time I had thought of anything in the past, it’s faith that had made me do so…And, most importantly, if I have ever achieved something (even the minutest achievement), it’s all ‘cuz of this faith…

And, that’s how, faith still remains something integral in my life…At this point, probably I’m with a load of confusions as far as this faith is concerned…But, yet, beyond that also exists a faith…A faith of overcoming these confusions…Of overcoming any confusion for that matter…And, of reliving my way of life…In which, I would still have my life shaped in my way…The chaos that saddens me from time to time would turn into serene calmness, the restlessness that engulfs my existence would turn into peaceful sighs, the ‘wish-I-was-little-stronger’ desperation would vanish and most importantly, ‘I’m-happy-for-how-I’ve-always-been’ sense would have an open expression…Yes, that’s what my faith always tells me…That I was never wrong in believing the world to be no less than a dreamland…That it was not a mistake to wish for the fragrance of the dew-dropped rose than worrying about the thrones…That I was always right when I wished to have my fairytale story in love…That one day I would wake up to see the pearls shining in the morning sunlight in my lacey bed…
But, most importantly my faith says that, no matter what, I should keep this faith alive…’Cuz, things keep happening, and if I don’t realize why they’re happening that way, I would never know that each of them has a reason…And, the faith that my faith talks about has its existence in these reasons…

Yeah, that’s what I have been doing these days…Waiting for things to unfold their reasons behind their significant (if at all they turn out to be) indulgence in my life…And, all I have with me, is my faith, that never lets me leave its hand…And, for some unknown and unexplainable reasons, I’m quite enjoying this otherwise ‘not-so-extravagant’ wait…

OLD SONGS...OLD MEMORIES...AND FLASHBACKS....

Well, it’s been a week, I’ve been listening to a playlist of Hindi songs…On a regular basis, I avoid listening to them, as they make me really emotional and my eyes get teary…And, this is one thing, I have been avoiding in last few months (yeah, I have made myself believe that I don’t deserve to cry no more…)…But then, these days, somehow, got a playlist that has all the Hindi songs that are ultimately romantic and well, me kind of liking it…I just skipped mentioning one thing about these songs, that they straightaway take me to those moments when I had listened to that particular song for the first time…Coming back, now too I’m listening to a song that reminds me of an evening in 2008, July...Well, almost 4 years back...But, still I remember everything so bright and clear...And, as I lose myself in the soothing beats of this song, all that I was doing at that particular evening come flashing back to my memory, and somehow I see everything happening in front me, as if those are happening now, right at this very moment…

Well, it was the last day of the month...I was travelling back to Bangalore from my home…Bangalore, being the place where I had been staying in (of course for my studies and all) for almost 4 years till then, had more connection with my heart than my own home town (I guess, that’s ‘cuz, that was the time, I was truly growing up, and was through a phase that had the influence to make or break any connection with anything)…And, after staying for over a month in my home town, this comeback was more like coming back to one’s workplace after a long soothing vacation…And, yeah, predictably I was insanely happy (although missed my Dita and Momu), crazy with excitement, and was altogether in a completely different world…Well, I had real good reasons behind all that excitement…

Coming back again, my flight had landed at 6 that evening…By the time I was out of the airport to catch a red Volvo that would take me to the main city, it was almost 7…I still remember, I had occupied seat no 24…Me, in my complete black attire (as usual), with my red luggage and my trademark coffee (that I had picked up from the airport stall), yeah, like a super strong kid I was all set to rush to the cute city…What made me doubly excited was my phone…I was continuously on it (from the time I had landed) talking to someone whom I then believed to be my soul mate…Yeah, yeah, this was one of the many reasons why I was extremely happy to be back in the place…’Cuz, we had bouquet of dreams, that we had craved together, over previous few years, were going to come true in the next few years (or did we think months???)...All we were discussing that evening was all those innocent dreams and hopes…We were at the peak of our excitement, happy, and in fact overwhelmed, ‘cuz we believed nothing could and yeah, would go wrong from that point…And, yeah, that was when this particular song was being played in the bus, over and over again…It was a new song, by Atif, pre releasing the movie, and was accumulating a lot of popularity…And, yeah, you guessed it right, it was a romantic number, which was adding the extra glitters to my eyes…

The next day was my first class in my MBA course…And so was his…He was on the way to a place which was away from the city…And, that was the only thing that had made me little sad that evening, ‘cuz we would not meet each other for at least some time…But, we had bigger plans, so this didn’t matter much… We were going to start a new life...And, we believed, end of it was the world we were dreaming of in all those days till then...We believed, we would soon going to be together again once we finish doing what we had planned to do in the next few months…And then, we believed, our small world would be complete…We believed, we were destined to be one, one day, ‘cuz, we were bonded by love…And, no matter what, this bond would keep us tied forever, and for always…We knew, things would change...And we believed, they would change exactly the way we wished for...Exactly the way we dreamt of, with our eyes, open and closed…That evening, we were soaked in an ocean of dreams, hopes of fulfilling those, and most importantly in love…And, that’s how, without me knowing (and acknowledging) the evening marked a stone-craved presence in my memory…

Well, over the time, the days ahead didn’t really turn out to be what we had dreamt of, what we had planned as and what we believed to be…Yeah, things did change...But, not the way we hoped and wished for...They happened, with a turn of an angle, that’s of complete 360 degree...Those dreams we saw together turned out to be mere illusions, those plans we made together turned out to mere insanity, those wishes we hoped to come true turned out to be just some pages of my diary…Everything changed…We lost ourselves to the insanity and craze of situations, which we thought would never affect us…We changed our priorities (did we really have to???), we changed our ways to look at life, we changed our views on life, and most importantly we changed (or we forced to change) the way our hearts beat…Yeah, love was a mistaken identity, care was replaced by avoidance, and the world we wanted together was nothing but a non-existent entity…Yeah, things did change… All, that we had together stayed merely as some moments of the bygone days and those moments kept walking on the memory lanes…Someday, accidentally, even I end up walking along those, and yeah, relive them….But, certainly accidentally, not willingly…

And, today, as I listen to this song, everything from that evening is rushing back, flashing back to my memory, engulfing my senses...Me, dressed all black, seat no 24, looking at the fast running greenery through the window, engaged in the freshness of the outskirt beauty of the city, my phone stuck to my ears, his exciting and soothing voice over it, loads of reasonless giggles, loads of useless chatters, loads of unnecessary pauses...Well, everything, yeah, everything is just so so fresh in my memory...I’m not sure how I feel at this moment, but one thing I’m really sure of, and that’s being, I’m stunned right now…’Cuz, even if I didn’t ever realize, it’s almost 4 long and long years, since I had that evening…

Well…These songs, I tell you...Can really make one crazy...And, yeah, probably that’s what I truly am right now…

OLD PICTURES, MEMORIES....AND SOME MORE....

Looking at the old photographs; and looking back at time
Having a dimmed smile on my lips; and yeah, I’m all fine
Recalling those laughters; happy, loud and clear
It’s strange, how we were one then; so in love and so very near
The world was small; all we did was dream, play and hum
It was a fairytale; with me and you being awesome twosome
Didn’t want anything from life; but you and only you
Thought, assumed and believed; you did the same too
Together we laughed, wept; and waited for the next day to come
Dreamt of our first vacation; and when we would sit under a rose gum
We believed, we would live like that forever; and for always
No matter what came on us; we would find our ways
Then came those days; when we didn’t see each other for weeks, and some more
I didn’t know you were going away; 'cuz I was still busy dreaming on the sea-shore
Then you really went away for good; never came to see me and never called
My world was shattered, saw only the dark sky; with my dreams sprawled
Those laughters dried, eyes cried; and could see no rays of hope
Didn’t know how to look ahead; life seemed like walking on a ridge rope
Days passed by, turned into weeks; months, and then into years
You turned into memory; first very clear and then into vague smears
I don’t think of you anymore; and I know you no more
I gave you my heart, but you preferred to stay in those old pictures; which I never tore
Today as I see your face I smile a bit; and think of your promise
Yes, the one you made; and yeah, which you could never keep
But, it’s alright; I’m done with it, and also fine
With you leaving, I found my own world; with some more sunshine
I cherish those moments with you; but never wish you back
With you I was a pampered princess; but without you, I’m on the rightest track
Yeah, every cloudy day also brings; a promise of a new one in store
And, that makes us wish for a better tomorrow; and hope little more
I close the album down, sigh; some tears roll down, but I smile
I had an amazing past; although little teary, yet worthwhile
My anger’s gone, grudges vanish; and I don’t hate you anymore
I’m smiling, and also thanking you; for the memories that I could store
We might never cross our paths; in the days to come
But, just want you know; memories of you are always happy, and also warm

TO ALL I LOVE...TO ALL MY SOUL MATES...

What I said was what I felt inside; and, it wasn’t fake
I knew it to be the right thing; and, never a mistake
When I said you touched a string in my heart; and created music
That was exactly how I heard; beautiful and classic
When I said I lost myself in your eyes; and found my world
That was an honest truth; although I know it was foolish and also bold
When I longed for your arms; I truly did
That was why I let you know; and never hid
When I told you I felt for you; it was real
I was naïve and insane; and it was an overpowering emotional zeal
I know, I messed things up; yeah I always do
What I didn’t realize is that; you too would know
Yeah, you always knew me; and so you knew me this way too
And I feel happy that you stood there; and never bid adieu
Probably you’re my soul mate; that I’m searching for all these years
And, with you by my side; my heart leaps, my soul soars and I’m free from all fears

PS. To all those, I love, I say I love, and I know I love…

THESE DAYS, I SMILE...AND WISH MORE...THAT EVERYONE DOES...

Well, last 3 days of this year and we have a brand new year in our lives...And probably this is my last blog for this year...And, as I start scribbling, I decide, why don't I just talk about all those things that's making me smile these days...Well, actually, there are a bunch of those and I think, it would be really something, I would excel in writing, 'cuz, the mere thought of those things is enough for me to lighten my mood up, yeah, yeah, you guessed it right...I'm already smiling...

Well, these days, I'm in my favourite city, with my brother, well that's where all my reasons to smile start...Well, we fight 40 percent of the time we're together, don't talk to each other 10 percent of the time, silently take care of each other 30 percent of the time and laugh like insane rest 20 percent...And this mere 20 percent makes life just far and far better than anything possible, and that makes me smile...Well, a huge part of my happiness revolves around being with my brother...Yeah, life seems so complete with someone like your own sibling, who is more than just a sibling…And, when it’s a younger brother, the fun is twice the more…He acts like your elder brother and scans your date, he acts like a mother and feeds you when you fall asleep without food, he acts like a father and rescues you when you’re trapped in situations… Yeah, he can be everything you need exactly when you do...And, when you know, he's your unofficial best friend, and official caretaker, you are the queen of the house...Yeah, life is just amazing with a brother of this sort…

These days, I'm with my mad gang of friends, who make me smile more than I could ever wish to...Everyone has their own way to get me the little drops of happiness that can lighten my face...If I need to travel, I get my friends booking their tickets too, to the same destination as mine...If I'm moving to a different place, I get my friends coming along, to accompany me...If I'm hungry, I get my pizza and pasta with coke delivered, right at my doorstep...If I want to eat homemade chicken, I get ten thousand invitations, to experience homemade chicken...If I'm broke I get my friends rushing to help me...If I want to have coffee, I find my friends driving me to my favourite coffee shop on the highway...And most importantly, if I'm teary eyed, I get my friends standing right by my side, the very next moment, with tissues in their hands...Yeah, they are a gang I feel proud of...Their smallest effort to make me smile, does really make me smile...In a place, away from my own family, they are my family, and would always be...A big portion of my happiness is sourced from them...Yeah, life is something to fall in love again and again, with a gang of friends of this sort…

These days, I'm with people, who make me feel I'm missed...Luckily or unluckily I happen to work in an industry, where it’s very difficult to maintain your professional and personal lives as two parallel entities, and these two are bound to cross roads, on a million occasions. Thanks to my stars, I had worked in a place where, I met people who became few very important parts of my life, both personal and of course professional. And, these days, when I’m away from few of them, they say they miss me…That makes me smile, not ‘cuz, I take pleasure in making them miss me, but, I realize they care for me as I do too…I always believed they did, but now, I believe it even stronger…And that ,makes me feel happy, ‘cuz I realize, in a place, where I knew no one, I made few relationships, which are beyond mere business, and are of love and affection…Yeah, that makes me smile, like a child, with a heart completely content and without complaints…Yeah, life is full of joy with people of this kind around…

These days, my mornings bring me a bouquet of sheer pleasures…I wake up to a bright and warm sun, bathing the surroundings…As I look out through my window, to a clear blue sky, I know I’m so alive…I see new hopes, new rays of fulfillment...And that makes me smile…And, when I set out to start my day with a freshly brewed coffee while chatting with my dad on phone, my senses find yet more reasons to be happy…The aroma sates my nostrils, the slow sips sates my taste buds, the talks with dad sates my soul, and the beauty of the amazing city with fog-clad serenity sates my sight…I find myself amidst a million reasons to brighten my mood too…I know, this day is something I’m going to treasure at the bottom of my heart, and whenever I feel the need, I would peep in and relive this day…And this definitely makes me smile…Yeah, life is so beautiful, with these pure and priceless indulgences…

These days, my morning journey to office has turned really interesting…8 in the morning, half sleepy, yet excitedly dressed up, and music on ears, 5 days in a week, I hop into a bus which would be insanely crowded and with the same set of people everyday…But, the whole effort doesn’t make me lose my calm (well, it does when the traffic drives me crazy), ‘cuz a lot of other things, and yeah, much more interesting things go on inside that ACed but ‘can’t-feel-the-AC’ red bus…Everyone seems to have a mysterious personality, with million different expressions on their faces, and watching these can truly make you amazed…That makes me smile…While the bus driver (who happens to remember that I had travelled in the same bus 2 years back, and he exactly knows where I want to get down, everyday, without fail) helps me place my rather huge bag next to his seat, so that I don’t have to struggle with it, the lady conductor gives a warm smile, that can brighten your face, even in the midst of that ‘I’m-almost-sandwitched’ situation…While, I feel the adoring stares of a cute looking guy on my face (well, constantly, and I happen to meet him almost every day), I also feel the amazed (no, wait, feared) stares of some other (probably he’s amused and scared with my scary cascades, and of course, insanely kohled eyes)…While at times, I busy myself in the book in my hand, and disappear from these all, I also make new friends (well, only girls) and adjust her bags in my seat, chat coherently, and plan to go out shopping…Yeah, so many instances, inside that closed bus…And, each of it has its own charm…And, yeah, each of those make me smile… Life is so strange, you don’t really know, when and where and how you make connections with other people…

These days, I’m fresh even after a long day’s work…Well, things keep happening at work, and certainly I’m in a state where I realize that I enjoyed work more in the other city than this, but then, I happen to forget these complaints most of the time…A gang of good co-workers (not-so-great clients though), and most importantly one among them as a friend, yeah, life isn’t that bad either…And, there’s always a lot of laughter, endless cups of coffee, a terrace to sit and chat and a lot of posing and lot of clicks, yeah, work is not a stressful entity at all…And that makes me smile…When, half of my friends crib about their work and workplace, I certainly have a job that gives me much more pleasure than pain…Life is so easy when your profession and passion meet at the same point…

These days, my late evening coffee makes me lift my mood up…After a long day (and yes, frozen in the chilly breeze), as I reach the coffee shop near my place, the uniformed guy knows exactly which mug I would prefer…By the time, I sit at the table in the corner, my coffee reaches my table too…And, as I sip on it I smile…My tiredness gets blown away with the aroma of the coffee, my almost chocked brain starts functioning again, and I relax…Yeah, it’s great to have a little time, all to myself, and let my thoughts wander…This happens to be the most priceless hour of my everyday…With a coffee in hand, phone in silent mode, ipod shut, and without any worries of my hair getting messed up, or my shirt un-tucked, or my stilettos dirty, yeah, this is a moment I love to wait for…All that stays in my mind is that, it’s me and me alone, with my thoughts, and without anyone’s interference… Life, with few moments all to yourself, is something more worthy than anything else possible…

These days, as I lay in bed, I realize that a beautiful day has come to an end…I realize, I have experienced something new today, learnt something little, seen something new…I realize, the day has passed without me having to shed any tears, without having to crib and complaint, without having to hurt anyone…And, that makes me smile…I realize that my surrounding is full of things that I’m in love with and which make me feel loved and cared back…I think of the people I’m in love with, I think of the things I’m passionate about, I think of the moments that I love to relive again and again…And, all these together, make me see the beautiful life with so much affection and pride…Yeah, I get happy with the mere thought of how amazing and eclectic life is…With things exactly the way they are, around me…Life, with so much abundance (might not be materialistic, but divine), is something, you know, you live for…

Yeah, these days, I smile…I smile a lot…And, as I do so, I feel proud to have experienced all those reasons and moments that make me smile…Wish, the days ahead bring smile to every lips around me…But, most importantly, wish, everyone around gets to see, that, life, in itself is full of reasons that have the power to bring the brightest smiles on our lips…
And, with this wish, here I go…Welcome, 2012…

GOODBYE 2011...

Well…Already in the last few days of 2011...Yes, the year almost got over…10 days, and we would see yet another new year…And, this gives me a need to look back and see what the bygone year brought me, what it took away, what I could do, what I couldn’t do, what I thought of doing and ended up in null, what I thought of doing never and ended up repeating often…and the list goes on…And, I feel a sheer need of doing this, because I know, by doing so, I would get some real pleasures of knowing what I had gone through in a long year, and if at all I could gather anything from the same…

Well, when I started 2011, things were not so happening in my life…With a broken relationship to handle, in an unknown (and not-so-favourite) city, with everyone around as strangers, almost all alone, yes life was not really anything highly motivating and happening…To add to the bouquet of worries, had a job that paid so little that I had hardly any way to feel proud of myself…But, only reason I was not able to leave my job was the fact that I was completely in love with it, and waking up every morning to go to my workplace was something I excitedly waited for every night before going to bed…Well, life was not really so difficult ever before… And, with everyone closed to me constantly nagging me to come back (they were genuinely worried of me suffering) to where my life could be as comfortable as I wished to, was something that added the extra bit of restlessness to my already bruised soul… And, yes I thought of quitting too…Many and many a times… But, somehow, something inside me told me to carry on, and somehow I kept postponing my plans of giving up …And, one day I knew that I was not going to give up…I knew, I was not going to let any excuse come on my way to convince me to see the easy and short...I knew, rather, I was going to fight with situations and make it happen in my own way...I was ready to face the challenges as they appeared in front of me, and I was ready to make my weakness my strength...And, today when I look back, I feel so proud for taking such a decision...Cuz, I see now, that that single decision had changed my life completely, and made me aware of what I actually want from life...

I know, I know, my journey in life has just begun, and I have miles to go...But, by now, I know on which route I'm supposed to walk, on which route I need to walk, on which route I should walk and most importantly, on which route I want to walk...And all this is, in order to reach the destiny I have figured out for myself...And, personally, that in itself is no less than an achievement for me...Yes, it is...Given that, half of my life I stay confused and can never figure out the right thing for myself, this very first step certainly does hold a magnificent importance...What's more, this baby step is more like the very first big leap, after which the complete journey seems rather a smooth relaxing walk...And, I'm so grateful to that decision of mine which made my this baby step possible...

In the bygone year, lot of such events took place which would always make me look back to this year again and again, and cherish those events and moments in every possible occasion...Yes, the time that is soon going to be history, have brought me amazing bunch of experiences and those, are something that are in the process of building my life, might be in bits and pieces, but yes those are...And, today, I realize, each of those moments is a very very strong brick on the wall of my life, and they are so perfectly cluttered together that, even if one slab is removed, the wall will not have its now perfect look...Yes, each and every moment from those time mattered, matters and would always do... Came across people who taught me critically needed lessons on truths, came across situations that showed me few hidden but real facets of life, came across ideas that could enlighten my darkness-encaved soul, yes, in a year of 365 days, came across an ocean of experiences, each differing from each other, each having its own charm, each of different intensity, and most importantly each with a completely different influence in the complete picture…That makes me agree to one of the punch lines that I have come across in the recent times (for a brand on which I worked), which is also my personal favourite, that says, ‘A day is not just a day, but a million eclectic moments, waiting to surprise you’…Yes, a day of million moments, a month of few such days, and a year of few such months, together a million million eclectic moments, actually did make me witness a sea of surprises of varied kinds… But, the commonness in all these is that, each of these had its own share of importance in my life, and that, is something that makes me feel so blessed and happy…

If I look back now, I realize, what made the gone year so very interesting for me is that during this year I came across people who would be always treasured all my life...In an unknown city, in middle of thousand unknown faces, managed to know few who made me feel so me...They always told me that at times I might fall down, but, that by no means meant that I’m weak…They told me, I’m more than what I always thought myself to be…They also told me, I could do whatever I wished to, only thing I needed to do is keep myself grounded and not let myself float in the sea of worries that I happened to face that time...They told me to shed tears, but at the same time taught me to wipe them...They told me to hide the vulnerable me inside a mask to stay safe from the rude world...They constantly told me I was much more stronger than I could even imagine...These might seem mere words, but this was what I needed at that point of time, to get myself together, to regain my faith, and most importantly to stand on my own feet…Met people who pampered me like a kid, who taught me like a student, who cared for me like my own parents, who let me get spoilt with affection, who hugged me when I went weak on my knees…And, most importantly, they never criticized me for being me, always let me be me, and yet stronger and matured…I tried knowing them, and they knew me back...I loved them, and they loved me back…And, most importantly made me feel that they are there, always, right by my side, even if I don’t happen to realize…Yeah, what more could I ask for, when I had people of this genuineness with and around me, exactly when I needed someone???

Well, today, when it is just a few days left for me to say a final goodbye to the goneby year, a sense of pride overrides my emotions…Pride, on being able to come across experiences that talks more of living than surviving…That talks of giving and recieving love...That talks of letting go than holding back…That talks of forgiving than forgetting…That talks of focusing more on the positives than cursing on the negatives…That talks of finding bigger happinesses in the small things than sensing little happinesses over bigger possessions…In short that talks of filling up this human life with heavenly pleasures…And, these pleasures are much much above than the mundane cribbings, chocking responsibilities, unrealistic search for joy, bruised emotions, shattered life events and most importantly attempted unfairness to our own souls…

Yeah, every single moment teaches us so much…Exposes us to so many facets all together…Reveals so many secrets of life…Takes us through a mini-journey… And, we don’t really have to bother why it happened…Cuz everything happens with a purpose…Every incident and accident in our lives has a reason why it occurs… And, the best part of each of these is that, once we come across them, it leaves some immortal asset with us, and we are left as a better person…Well, isn’t this betterness good enough to make the lives of our loved ones little better than they always have been…And, I'm fortunate to experience exactly this betterness, with everything that has happened in the time gone by...This very thought makes me feel so content and so pleased…My heart leaps with boundless joy, thinking of what I have gained, than worrying about what I could not… And, yes, this makes me feel so complete…

With this completeness, I’m all ready to welcome a brand new year…A year, where I hope to see everyone around me achieving the contentment they desire for…I wish and hope to see my parents smiling (and if it’s because of me, I would be in seventh heaven), my loved ones fulfill their dreams, their loved ones smiling and everyone else smiling too…And for myself…All I wish for myself is to be able to accept things the way they appear in front of me, never complaining, never to let my loved ones shed even a drop of tears because of me and yes, spread a little happiness around…But, most importantly, I wish to see the small drops of happinesses that come wrapped inside the small events that those million moments of an everyday brings…

Goodbye 2011, you were and will always be such inspiration in life…

AWAY FROM THE PAIN...

Well...The last week was a kind of emotional and traumatic journey for me...Well, nothing exactly happened directly to me...But, my near and dear ones were going through a really rough patch and that had made me kind of lose my peace of mind...My close ones were suffering from emotional breakdowns and somehow that had not gone too well with my understanding and love for life, and that had left me wondering highly negatively on human emotions, feelings and worse, on human relationships...And, in a word my inside was (and still is) cracked, crashed and broken, never to be mended again...

Practically, it's that time of my life, when I'm supposed to think about relationships on a serious note, should start thinking about getting a partner for life, and thereby think about starting a family...But, the
things constantly happening around me, just do not let me think on that line...What's worse, I have no clue, if any day I will be able to take things the way I'm supposed to, or rather take things easy and
practically, rather than taking them in a complicated and logical way...I guess, I really need to take a serious call...A call on letting myself see that at times, we need to witness a few emotional nightmares, need to go through a not-so-exciting roller coaster ride of emotional cacophony, need to make a few sacrifices, need to let few things go…and most importantly need to get ourselves together to resume the journey called life, all over again…

Well, I don't want to be philosophic and comment on anything that interests different individuals differently and thereby don't want to analyze anything from anyone's point of view...But personally, I'm certainly disturbed with human relationships being exploited the way they are (at least around me)...And all I can do is, scream from inside 'Why', and keep screaming...Certainly, I have no answer to my whys...And, I get confused even more, disturbed even more and lose faith in people even more with these unanswered whys of mine...Wish, things were little different, and wish I didn’t have to come across people who break trusts, insult faith and feelings of any kind don’t bother them...But, the saddest part is things don't happen the way we wish to, and hence, even I have been witnessing incidents and accidents that have left my heart bruised and me completely perplexed...And certainly it's not a feeling I ever wished to go through, at all...

Coming back to the root of my outbursts, I fail to understand one basic thing…It’s about relationships between two matured individuals….When two people get into a relationship, it means TWO PEOPLE are into it...And, that means, a decision that has importance and significance in both of their lives, should be taken on the basis of mutual understanding and relevance, and not as per only one's will, wish and convenience....But, in reality it doesn't seem to happen that way...In most of the situations, it so happens that when it comes to minor avoidable matters (including what time one gets up, what he ate in lunch, what he's planning for in the evening), apparently one cares to share each and everything, and, on the other hand, the important decisions of life are taken without the other person's concern, in fact without even knowledge...What's worse, these decisions are those ones, which can make or break an individual (and if he happens to be a little weak, those might even end one's life)...But, no, while taking these decisions, it so happens that, the other person is kept in sheer darkness...He doesn't even know, something is about to happen, and certainly is unknown to the repercussions of the same...It sounds so strange and unreal, and non-practical, and untrue, but, hell yeah, these do happen, and are constantly happening in the world...Well, I can forget about the world at this moment, cuz, these days these sort of things are happening around me, with people who are my dear and near ones...And, truly speaking these are making me lose faith in people, emotional connections and certainly relationships...I know I’m not being right on my part and being cruel to myself, but, well, I'm helpless...

Whatever I know from my limited knowledge on social science, history, anthropology, and anything of that sort, I always knew that, the one thing that holds the utmost importance in human society since time unknown, is relationships, which is again, a collective definition of love, emotions and feelings...And, that's how the human society was supposed to be...Relationships mattered more than anything, marriages were meant for lives, and words like commitment, dedication, togetherness were worshipped in all the ages...But, today, all these seem utterly meaningless...At a single time, people dare to carry on with a marriage, along with two other people (of course none knows about none) outside it...At a single time, people can be with two people, completely different from each other...Why!!!! Cuz, they want to experience both the worlds...Hell, yeah...That’s happening these days, in our so called edgy society, and we are witnessing it on a daily basis…We’re not able to do anything even if we witness these happening to others, and there comes a time, when these happen with us too…And yes, again, we are not able to anything…We cry, we crib, we curse the person who did wrong with us, we analyze every possible reason why those happened with us, we find faults in ourselves, we lock ourselves away from others for a while…And then, we come back to the real world, where these things have turned into something very common, and worse, people take it so easy…Are they really so practical???Or just that they are running out of emotions to even show how shocked they are???Could be anything…Yes, it could be anything…And why not, everything and everyone is so casual today, and more than that, unpredictable today…

I fail to understand, aren't these things, incidents and accidents completely based on materialistic happiness???And the sadistic part is, these happinesses are momentary and even those involved in those know it...But, they happen to ignore them...Reasons???It doesn't matter as long as they are finding some pleasure…Even if that’s at the cost of their loved ones’ tears…It doesn’t matter as long as they are sure of not looking back at those moments (and they are certainly sure of this)…And, yes, it’s pure selfishness…I realize, you need to be individualistic and self-centered to make it big in life, but hell, not selfish…Cuz, the moment you be selfish, all you think about is you and your happiness, even if that comes at the cost of others’ broken heart, bruised soul and crashed identity…Is it fair???Certainly not…But, why we fail to see that???No one has the answer…


Well, I’m certainly in a maze these days…In that maze, I’m losing the capacity to judge people, on the basis of what they portray…Losing the capacity to understand what makes human relationships survive, despite of thousand blows on them…Losing the capacity to realize the difference between situational demand and people’s actual motive…Losing the capacity to absorb the actual reality and prevailing reality…Yes, I’m in a maze…And my emotions running deep, can find no relevance to the world I’m exposed to…I know, these emotions are true, and honest but, I’m scared to even show this vulnerable side of mine to the world…Cuz, after witnessing what can happen to one with an emotional depth, I’m scared, lest my emotions too suffer from the same…Lest, I’m made to witness situations which will bruise my complete being…Yes, I’m scared…I don’t want to be a soul screaming out for help, but is unheard…And, probably that’s why, I’m thinking, I need to stay away…Away from all the agony, pain, tears and helplessness a situation could create… In a word, away from an emotional relationship…

THIS FEELING, IS IT LOVE!!!!

It's been really long since last felt this way

Yes...
It's been long since I last
Smiled when alone
Talked to myself
Wept in happiness
And, felt like living in fairy tale

Yes...
It's been long since I last
Longed for someone's arms around me
Got melted in someone's whisper in my ears
Lost my existence in the depth of someone's eyes
And, forgot the world with someone by my side

Yes...
It's been long since I last
Understood, I'm his Princess
Knew, my world is his too
Felt, so cared and protected
And, realized we're meant for each other

Yes...
It's been really long since last felt this way
It's been really long since last felt
I'm in love....

IT'S JUST ME....THE REAL ME...

Many a times I don't behave as I feel inside...

At times
I look strong on surface
I overcome problems in a blink
I can fight any difficulty
And, I can make others feel I don't need them....
But, the truth is
When I look the strongest
I'm the weakest deep down
I wear a layer of invisible shield
That hides my delicate soul
That's scared of the cruel world...

At times...
I look so weak on surface
I need someone feeding me
I want someone hugging me
I fail to even make myself a coffee
And, I can't make my tears stop even at the slightest hitch...
But, the truth is
When I look the weakest
I'm the strongest deep down
My delicate face hides everything
The ready-to-face-all-hurdles self
The determination and strength inside...

But then, it's just me...
Li'l strange, li'l predictable
Li'l crazy, li'l reliable
But always ready to
Face life, exactly the way it comes...
Yes, it's just me...the weird but real me...

CRISIS OF A SINGLE GIRL....

Well, finally, I guess I have a crisis…I mean, me, being a 25 years old, it’s officially very genuine that I should face this (in fact, and luckily I’m facing it little later than a normal girl), but then what can I do…All these years, I was happy realizing that, me, being my dad’s princess, I would not have to go through anything of this sort…Well, it seems, I was insanely wrong…And, now, as I recall that lately I’m actually having some major arguments with my mum over this topic (yes, I’m going to come to that), I realize, yes, I’m going through a real crisis…A crisis, that every girl has to go through in some point of their life…Especially, those who are single, or should I say, who don’t have a boyfriend…I guess, this one is more appropriate…

Well, finally, I guess I have a crisis…I mean, me, being a 25 years old, and especially being a girl, it’s officially very genuine that I should face this (in fact, and luckily I’m facing it little later than a normal girl), but then what can I do…All these years, I was happy realizing that, me, being my dad’s princess, I would not have to go through anything of this sort…Well, it seems, I was insanely wrong…And, now, as I recall that lately I’m actually having some major arguments with my mum over this topic (yes, I’m going to come to that), I realize, yes, I’m going through a real crisis…A crisis, that every girl has to go through in some point of their life…Especially, those who are single, or should I say, who don’t have a boyfriend…I guess, this one is more appropriate…

Well, from my own personal point of view, being single can be one of the most exclusive and enticing experiences you can have…You are free to do the best things in life, when you are single…You do not have to worry about leaving your boy friend behind when you go out on a ‘girls day out’ (you certainly feel sad about leaving him behind and having extreme fun, and thereby end up spending half of your shopping money buying gifts for him, as a making up gesture)…You do not have to worry about bringing your boy friend into your circle of friends (whom he doesn’t feel comfortable with and hence, feels odd, and thereby you need to stick to him, rather than executing why at the first place you came to your friends)… You do not have to plan your trip back home according to ‘both of your schedules’, and can fly back to see your parents any day you wish to…And, most importantly, you can save the time for your own small pleasures, that you have to save for your boyfriend to make him feel that he is a part of your life (and can use that time to write notes cribbing on any topic you wish to, painting some unreal portraits, sipping tropical ice bergs nonstop and the list goes on)…And, the list doesn’t end here…You can buy as many stilettos as you wish, without worrying about his heights, you can hog on any food without worrying to keep yourself fit to match his figure, and you can sleep as early as possible without worrying him (yes, he does worry when you don’t pick his calls, I guess he thinks you died)…And, once you experience this heavenly singleton, you know, single is the way to be…

But then, here comes the list of negatives, that bunch together to create a crisis…When you are single and have a group of friends who are no less than your soul mates, problems start…One best friend of yours thinks the other to be your boyfriend, and thousand reasons seem less to convince him that things are not the way he assumes to be…Well, certainly he doesn’t go away from you (‘cuz he’s your best friend, and will stand by you no matter what), but, his perception of you and the other best friend being a couple has no real cure…What’s more, your girl best friend tries to convince you to start a relationship with her cousin, or her childhood best friend whom she thinks can keep you happy all your life(she wants you to have a happy life you see)…

If you are a single girl, all the single guys around you seem to have a problem with that…They go on trying to flirt with you, and if you are genuinely friendly (overlooking and ignoring their crappy lines that they think they can impress you with), they think you are flirting back…And if you are genuinely rude, they think it’s a ‘Keep following me dude, I’ll be yours one day’ trick you are playing on them, and hence they pursue you even more… And, finally you lose your peace of mind…And, to be honest, this problem has no major solution…

Now, come to the worst dilemma on the list…When you are single, your mum thinks you are running away from marriage…She keeps trying her level best to know, if you have a boyfriend, and if you don’t, they think you are one of those kind, who doesn’t care for relationships…She starts looking for some idiot to make your match with him, and if you deny, she gets genuinely upset, ‘cuz she starts doubting her ability on bringing you up (certainly she thinks she brought you up to be an anti-relationship rebel)…And, those tears of hers, it’s really difficult to wipe, in turn, they make you super guilty…Your world seems foggy, with pain and tears, and guilt, and so on…

Well, what can I say…Crisis is actually an understatement for this series of trauma…I know, I know, being in love is one of the best things in life, and if you ask me, I’m a true follower of love, and thereby relationships…But, how do I make others understand that it’s not about love, relationship, having a boyfriend, or a marriage…It’s about getting into something, that I would not be able to handle and thereby which can challenge my sanity…I know, I can just ignore everyone, I can just forget the world, I can just forget who says what, and I can just let things bounce over my head…But, what I can’t just let slip out of my head, or rather my heart is that most of these who are concerned about me not having a boyfriend, are ones very close to my heart… And, at any cost they want me to be happy…And, every bit of their talks, anger, emotional colourmails, advices, requests, perusals (and all emotions of that kind), has only one focus…That being my happiness at the end of it…And, the result???I am tied up…And, the only thing I can do is take out my phone, type all what I feel (most of it are frustrated blabbers), and update on my social networking site (well, thank God, I have a page where no one would feel sad to read blabbers, if at all they read)…And, precisely that’s what I’m doing right now…

Uff…Being single, does really have a list of problems…And, dealing with them is a real crisis…And I don’t know what should I term it as…Crisis of being single…or...Crisis of a single girl…

HIM AND ME....

He says, I don’t know the real world
It’s cruel and doesn’t let us be one…
I say, I don’t want to know the real world
‘Cuz it’s cruel and it doesn’t let us be one…
He says, I’m childlike
I don’t see the big bad world that keeps me away from him…
I say, I want to stay childlike
If that helps me not see the big bad world that keeps him away from me…
He says, I’m little insane
I don’t understand what he says…
I say, I’m little insane
‘Cuz, I don’t want to understand what he says…

Then he looks at me, and I look at him…
He takes me in his arms…
I forget the real world…So does he…
And, we stay happily ever after…

CHANGE....AND THE HAPPINESS IT BRINGS...

It's just a matter of time how things change
It's just a matter of situations how feelings change
And, it's just matter of wish how lives change

At times, changes bring pain and tears
And, some other times, they bring the world
Coloured with love, passion and happiness

But, what makes these changes special
Are the people who come along, in every turn where changes occur
And, life gets beyond beautiful with their presence....

Feeling happy for myself these days
'Cuz, lot of changes have taken place in my life
In the last few years....
And, today, I'm happy
With what I've gained, and most importantly whom I've met
'Cuz of those changes.....

NOSTALGIA, AND A SOAKED SOUL....

It's that time of the year
When nostalgia soaks the soul
And we pause for a while and look back...
To see
What we've left behind
What we're carrying along
And, what we'll store all our life...

Yes, it's that time of the year
When emotions speak out
The good, the bad and the ugly
But, also leave the bads and uglies behind
Only to carry the goods along...

Like everone else
Even I'm looking back...
And, as I do so, I realize

What an eclectic year it was...
One of those kinds, which taught me
Some of the best lessons of my life...
And, helped me being a stronger soul...

Met few amazing people and knew
They're going to be a part of me all my life..
Let few others slip out of my mind
And with that, realized that
It was one of the best decisions I had ever made...

Gained an ocean of experiences
Amazingly amazing
Brilliantly illuminating
And, critically needed...

Laughed a lot..and learnt to make others laugh....
Cried a lot...but learnt to wear a smile after that...
Loved, and got loved back...and realised that's the best medicine in
the world...

Yes, what a year it was...
And, as I prepare myself for a new one
I know, this one is going to even better than the last...
Cuz
It would bring even newer experiences
And at the same time, will let me store the old ones...
And, with this combination life would be
Just so exclusive, exciting and enticing...
Yes, it's really worth the wait...

LOVE ME ALWAYS...EVEN AT MY WORST, THE WAY YOU DO AT MY BEST...

When I see your eyes
I know, you love me
And, I realize I'm alive...

Often I know
You're proud of me
You're the happiest with me
You see a new meaning of life with me....

But, many a times
I'm afraid, lest you stop loving me someday...

'Cuz
I know
I'm not the perfect one for you
And can't make you perfect, being by your side...

I know
I'm not the ideal one for you
And can't make you feel lucky, by being in your life...

I know
I'm not the rightest one for you
And can't make you feel 'You're special' by any means...

I know
I make you freak out many a times
I make you lose your mind countless times
I make you get mad at me a million times...

But, then
I want you to know
I always need you to love me with your heart and soul
I always need you to want me with all your passion
I'll always need you to be next to me all my life...

'Cuz
Your love means the world to me
And, that's what makes me survive
Despite of all odds in life...

And that's why I need just one thing from you...
Today and everyday...
No matter what comes on our way...

Love me even at my worst
The way, you do at my best...

PS. For all, whom I love, and who love me back...and whom I want to love me always....

WHEN IT'S LOVE.....IT'S YOU WHO IT'S MEANT FOR.........

'LOVE' happens to me very frequently

I fall in love very often
And, with that, my soul gets soaked in its depth...
I fall out of love too....very often
And, then I experience a ride through the desert...

Everytime when LOVE happens
I enter in a fairyland...
My dreams see their destiny
My hopes decorate the days ahead
And, tender ecstacy turns me pleasantly drowsy...

Each of my love stories
Has its own charm
And, happens to be very different from one another

Everytime LOVE happens
I plan my future with him
And, none of the plans resembles one another...

And...
Everytime LOVE happens
The intensity of my love changes
Making each time
A complete different and unique journey alltogether

But, then...
In each of my love stories
There is something, that never changes
And, that is
THE ONE WHOM I LOVE

Because,
In all my affairs
He always is the SAME person..
And, that is YOU...

Yes, no matter how many times I fall in love
It's always YOU, who I fall for....