LET'S MAKE A WISH THIS DIWALI...

From my Diary: Thursday, Oct 27th, 2011

As I pass by the lightened up city streets, a sense of pure magic sets in my nerves...It's after a really long time that I've seen the nocturnal beauty of this city...Mumbai really looks lovely at night, and when it's Diwali, undoubtedly the level of this beuty is multiplied...And, witnessing these endless lights in red, blue, yellow, purple and all other possible shades, my heart fills with endless joy...Well, as always (everytime I'm happy) endless thoughts are pouring into my mind, and I've opened the word application on my handphone to type down those (which I always do)...

As I start with my flowery poetries focusing on the lights, I realize my cab is stuck in the trafic...Traffic in Mumbai can't get more insane than anywhere else in India...But, surprisingly enough today it's really less as compared to a normal day, and probably that's why I have realized only now that I'm in traffic...As I look up and then outside through the cab, I realize, this is a slum area...It's not exactly slum, but under the flyovers, these guys have made their temporary (or permanant) huts with thick sack like materials...As I get really irritated with the fact that my cab didn't get any better place than this one (truly speaking these slum areas make me get scared, for some unknown reasons) and try closing the window, I catch sight of one of these huts in a closer way...There are 5 to 6 small kids in the hut, all below ten years of age...Before I could see if they were alone in the hut, the signal gets cleared and my cab leaves the place...But, I realize I have left my eyes and mind back at that place (and I do it so often with any incident)...I also realize, the picture of those malnurished kids, on a sack, in poor lights will haunt me, atleast for next few hours and at some point, will make me shed a drop or two of my tears...

They say, every brightness has a side that is totally dark...And, after seeing those little kids, I realize I can't agree more on this...In the same city (or should I say, on the same street), millions of lights are shouting out the happiness, joy and pride of prosperity, and on the other hand, innocent kids are lying on rough sack in almost darkness...Nor that, anyone can directly be blamed for this, but somewhere somehow (and probably long long ago) something had terribly gone wrong, and that has led to this extreme inequality in the lives of us...And, sad truth is that, however and as much as we want to deny, this inequality doesn't make anyone happy...We might decide to ignore noticing the poors on the streets (because that is so much safer than feeling guilty of having them around), but deep down, we feel sad for them...Their hungry eyes surely make us try helping them find ways to earn an extra rupee, but we genuinly avoid it, because end of the day, we know we cannot do much for them, because we have our own battles to fight...It's really so helpless of a situation...At this moment, I feel the same...While enjoying the brightness of the lights seem so indulging, I'm not able to make myself ignore the thousand dark moments that those little kids have already witnessed and will witness in their little lives...

I close my eyes for a while...And, pray in silence...Suddenly, I feel lighter...I realize, if not anything else, we can pray...Pray for millions of those kids who can't really manage to enjoy the lights around...I remember myself reading somewhere, that when you pray, some kind of energy is generated, because at that point, all of your attention is concentrated on the prayer you say...And when you pray in a group, a group of individual energy is generated, and if everyone is praying for the same thing, all of this energy is accumulated in favour of the cause, and thus the prayers come true...It might be only a logical definition, but, at the end of the day, faith does work...So, here goes a little request to all of you reading this write up...

Let's take out a moment from our busy schedule of indulgence and happiness, let's pause for a moment while enjoying the endless goodness we are ushered with, and let's make a wish...A wish for the ones, who are deprived of anything close to what we enjoy, who are cruelly cheated on by luck, who are mourning victims of the badness that this world has to offer....Yes, let's pray for all of them...For them, to be blessed with atleast some rays of these million lights...To be ushered with atleast some bites of the indulgence of this festive spirit...To be engaged with atleast few drops of the endless joy we experiencing...To be enlightened with few glimpse of their own hearty smiles...And, to be showered with the ecstatic feeling that, they also belong to this world, with a priceless gift from God, called 'Life'...

Yes, as we witness thousands firworks lighting up the sky, as we savour the scrumptuous delicacies flavoured with the festive touch, as we enter in a magical world with thousand lighted lamps around, as we keep our faith alive of good winning over bad, and as we celebrate the festival of hope, Diwali, let's also wish for all...To be ushered with all the happiness, love and prosperity... Let's wish, everyone out there gets the priceless opportunity, to see the light, and to create memories that they can treasure for life...With million moments of pure love, affection and warmth...

'Left or right', the cab driver asks me, which makes me stop writing, and look up...I realize, I have almost reached...I ask him to stop the cab in front of my building...As I pay him his dues, he wishes me 'Happy Diwali Ma'am'...I kind of get surprised...Some people really know how to make others smile...'Happy Diwali to you too', I wish him back...

As I walk up the stairs, I realise, I haven't carried the mental picture of those little kids home...Because, I have sketched it in my word doc...And, here I go with uploading it on my social networking page...With a hope, that you all will agree to make a wish...A wish for millions of those mourning souls, down every lightened up street in the city...

Happy Diwali to you all....

THAT LI'L KID, HIS DAD AND SOME PLAIN LUCK...

Uff...Finally I was relieved...The horrible fever that had stuck itself to my harmless tiny body was giving me enough pain for me to start hating it...Top of that hospital, doctor, blood check up, medicines, diet restriction and blah blah blah...Altogether, I was in almost a frustrating mode...And, yeah, how can I forget my own people's continuous rings on my phone and also their mournings over my illness...Well, these mournings actually made me feel that it's thousand time better not to witness my own sickness, at least for the sake of the ones who care for me as if I'm a little kid...Really, ufff...

As the afternoon started, and as I realised I was little better I decided to take myself out for a walk...Sleeping almost 40 hrs in the stuffed room had made me feel suffocated to the core, and I was really in need of some fresh air, and not to mention some warm coffee (actually chilled, but owing to my pathetically infected throat, hot cuppacino was all I could afford)...I convinced my roommate and aunty to let me go for a walk (of course after making thousand promises including the one not to have anything cold and of course junks) and finally I was out of my place...

Within fifteen minutes of a slow and indulging walk in the afternoon shade, I picked up my coffee, packed few choco cookies (purely out of frustration of not able to taste anything with my fever struck tongue) and greedily stared at all the chilled coffees the coffee shop guys were placing on the tables...I cancelled my plan of sitting down in the coffee shop and decided it would be best if I left right then, cuz, knowing myself well, I knew that if I stayed back, in next ten minutes I would order a chilled coffee too, and would end up gulping it down, and by evening I would again be attacked by my idiotic fever...I got all my things parcelled and walked out of the place...And of course, all the while cursing my feverish self...

As I walked towards home, decided to stay outside a little longer...The weather was fine, if not really pleasant, and the fresh air had really made me feel good...Also, Diwali decoration had made the entire colony look just amazing...Colourful little bulbs were hanging from all around, Chinese design inspired red lights were royally staring from all across and it was very obvious for one to imagine that once the afternoon turns into evening, the place would look no less than a fairyland...I was really happy, and decided to sit down at the corner of the long staircases of the private bank and finish my coffee...The place I chose to sit down was one such that I could see the entire street, including the small huts that existed by the under constructed 15 storey building, which lot of people said, was going to be a super luxury shopping mall and also high end residential blocks...Well, by then I would be gone from this place, I told myself as I shifted my attention from the building and it's sky high net covered skeleton...

As my soul started getting soaked in the beautiful afternoon, I saw a little boy coming and sitting few steps away from my feet...He had an old ludo board in his hand, and as he placed it next to him, I wondered what he intended to do next...Well, he sat quietly for a while, stared at me and my phone a couple of times and then again kept things to himself...I kept sipping my coffee and as I did, kept typing relentlessly on my phone (well, that's one habbit I can't get rid off, typing things that comes to my mind every now and then)...Didn't know how much time had passed, but as I looked up after finishing with my typing, I found the little guy again staring at me...

This time, irritated, I called him, 'Hey, come here...What's your name?' 'Bittu', he said in a softer voice than I expected...That made my suddenly rising temperature come down...In a much better and softer way I asked again, 'Why you staring at me? It's bad to stare at strangers na'...Keeping his gaze fixed to the floor, he said, 'I just wanted to ask you if you want to play with me...I have no friends to play with you see'...If this had come from an older guy, he would have definitely got a dose of my kicks, but coming from a little kid (of hardly 6 or 7), it made me feel really bad...I asked him why he didn't have friends...And next ten minutes, I knew the story of a little kid, with a past that still haunted his presence and with a future that would never be the way it was supposed to be (or atleast that is what happens in our country, unless and until there happens some miracle)...

This little kid, Bittu had never seen his dad...When he was 2 years old his dad died in some accidents, which his mom never explained excatly to him...His mom worked as a maid, to 5 households, and that made her run from one place to another everyday...She worked hard and had plans like any oher mom, of making Bittu a big man one day...And, Bittu, as much as a little kid he was, seemed to understand his mom and her dreams completely...He did all his home work alone, after school hours never went out with friends to play and never nagged his mom for anything, not even for her time...His mom always told him to go out, play and brought him everything she could afford, and Bittu told me, it always hurt him, for his mom spending all the money she hard-earned, on him...'I don't need so many things na Didi, but mom gives me so much'...I stared with beyond amazement, at this little kid, at this age he talked like someone with a life long experience...And that made me wonder about millions of those kids (sadly, including me), who had guiltlessly taken all the advantages from their parents, and still not being content...

I looked back down the time lane, and saw myself at Bittu's age...At 6, I was one of the most difficult kids, well, atleast my entire clan still says so...Pampered by all, and unofficially crowned as Dad's Princess, everybody had a tough time dealing with me...Cribbing (in my own dignified way), nagging (in my own style of silence) and demanding (with a no-word-and-a-sweet-smile) were my shadows, and strangely enough I was lucky enough to have everybody around me doing their bit for my smile...Such a bad kid I was...Thanks to God, in the later years, I tried learning to be better, and thanks to my loved ones, I'm a much better person now...Well, I'm so sure that there exist at least a million like me, who have never had to face something like this little kid Bittu, at age 6...I'm so sure there are millions of us who have never seen actual struggle and tough times...Yes, I know, there are also thousands like Bittu, who have never had the luxury of actually being a child and enjoying the innocent childhood joys, are deprived of enjoying the best gift of childhood, that is his parents' true company...

Yes, the most startling statement by this kid was something to do about his parents' company...He told me, he always felt sad that his mom cared for him way too much...But, he felt sadder, for the fact that he could never tell his mom that his actual happiness lied in her company, rather than the toy car that she bought him...'I know, she has to work...I know she works for me...But, you see, I miss her...I miss my dad too...I have never seen him, but so many times I have dreamt of him...Me sleeping between him and mom...But, you see, I don't have a dad...And, that's a fact...So as much as I dream, in real I will always have to sleep alone'...Bittu said...Well, it was one of those rare afternoons and rare conversations, when I had few words to say in return...I had no way to tell this little kid things which can match upto his depth of thinking and intelligence...But, kids are kids, for, he said again, 'I like those days when I'm not well...Mom comes home early, and sits next to my bed and strokes my hair...She makes me sleep in her lap...But, being sick for too long is also bad, she starts crying and all...But, I really like to fall sick once in a while, for mom to come home early and sit with me'...

The whole sudden incident of meeting this little kid, knowing his story and realizing the same was real heavy on me...At least after my two days long medical torture, I was not in a situation to really digest it...I decided to lighten things a little...I opened the choco cookies and handed couple of them to him...I guess, by now this innocent soul had considered me as his friend...So he took the cookies...We munched them together...At a point we finished them...As I threw the box to the dustbin, I asked him, where did he live...He pointed to the back of the bank, only then I realized that these stairs were his everyday waiting place, for his mom to return...I said someday I will come and meet his mom, and said bye to him as I started walking towards home in the narrow lane...

The lights were turned on by then...They had made the place look really heavenly...I looked back, Bittu was still sitting in the same place...I felt a sudden pang in my stomach...A little kid, of mere 6, waiting for his only parent to come back home...A little soul who longed for little pampering from his parents...A unlucky little life, whose misfotune took his dad away from him and also kept him away from his mom's caring arms cuz, she has to make sure that he survived...And, someone, who would have to grow up this way, would be a teenager one day, a young boy one day and a matured man one day, yet would never realize what it is to have a caring and pampering dad around...What it is to chat with mom, over dinner, what it is to have small arguements with mom with him and dad being one team, and also the other way around, what it is to have a complete family...Cuz, fate had really played hard on this innocent boy, first taking his dad away from him, and second making his mom fighting for both of their survival...And, I knew, Bittu is not the only one in this world to have such a fate...The thought of realizing the count scared me...To the core...And I pushed these thoughts away...

I dialled my dad's no...Him, being the one person in my life, whose single word makes my fear vanish, is whom I call when I'm in a situation that makes me sweat...'Yeah Aaimy (my dad calls me that), you feeling better na, I thought you're sleeping, so didn't call baby', dad said with a worried tone, as he picked up my call...As I said I was fine and was taking a walk outside, he seemed relieved...I was relieved too, talking to him anyday made me a stronger person, but today, it really made me feel how lucky I was to have him in my life...As he was keeping down the phone after ten minutes, I said, suddenly, and abruptly, 'Dita, I love you, and I miss you...All the time'...My dad might have surely thought, medicines had made me go into trance, turning me real emotional...But, he wouldn't know, I had really meant those words...More than anything I had ever said in my life to anyone...

ALEPH...REVOLUTION 2020...AND A PAGE FROM MY DIARY...

From my Diary: Monday, Oct 17th, 2011

Last night I didn't sleep...Well, I couldn't sleep...Reason is positive...Had started reading two books simultaneously, and was so engrossed into them that had no option but to finish reading them at a go...Started the morning with Aleph, by Paulo Cohelho, and by noon started with Revolution 2020 by Chetan Bhagat (well, hadn't even finished Aleph by then)...On a normal day, I do not start 2 books together, nor do I half read a book and jump to the next...But this time somehow (probably to break the monotony of serious reading) ended up taking both the books at a time, and read them turn by turn...And much to my surprise, I did do a sensible thing...Well, a manyfold sensibilty, but I'm not going to be a critic and discuss content, language and soul of both the books, as that is not something I ever like to do on a normal day (which is criticizing others)...Even though my personal favourite stands Aleph, well, both the books had their own merits and demerits...While Chetan's book is a mass appealing one (credit to the Indianness in the base, or should I say the soul of a typical-Indian-small-town mentality of looking at things) that makes an instant connect with the target audience, Aleph is a book on finding reality by looking at bizzare fantasy (which most people don't like to consider can happen in real life)...And, most obviously, each of this books will be loved by two completely different groups...Well, this is not what has made me scribble my experience with these books...The reason persuaded me to relive my reading till this evening is the fact that it had left me in middle of a very unique feel last night, which I had thought I would never experience, again...

Well, coming back to last night, I had kept reading both the books (simultaneously, turn by turn) till late, and by the time I finished them, it was 5 in the morning...Of course it being a Sunday, I had less to worry about and so decided to go to the kitchen to make myself a coffee...As I sipped on the favourite beverage of mine, I realized I hadn't really come back from the spot of the books...The characters were still hovering inside my mind, the feelings that the characters had gone through have transferred into me, the tears that the characters had shed were flowing from my eyes and the confusions that the characters had suffered from had engulfed me too...I let myself lean on the kitchen wall as my eyes cried two rivers...I didn't know why, but yes, I was thinking about myself in a very different way at that very moment...And of course, there were reasons why I felt so, and you guessed it right, both the books are what behind these reasons...

The story in Chetan's book had taken me back to those days when I was going through a major heartbreak and nowhere to go...Almost 5 years in a relationship and then one day waking up to realize that what you thought to be the most beautiful chapter of your life was just a big flowery lie...Yes, it was like the bites of the black poisonous ant that makes you numb for a period...And most conveniently the other person whom you had let to rule you heart (and who turned out to be the one buldozing the same) had justified his reason of drifting away from his earlier promises...'Priorities change' was the most frequently used line and 'Please move on' seemed to be the most pleading line (of course he didn't care if I would want to, as he already did) and 'Do-what-you-want-to-except-sticking-to-me' was the meaning every sentence of his refered to...Despite my teary pleading (or should I call it begging), despite my efort to make up things (well, I agree, I was a terrible one in that) and despite my reasoning why the relationship should continue (I think I was a bad one in reasoning too), nothing really helped him change his mind...Well, at a point I had given up...It wasn't that easy either...Lot of shouting, weeping, threatening followed...And so followed a lot of prayers to the unseen power above (I'm sure He might have almost given up listening to the same set of prayer everyday)...And one fine morning, rather early morning, like the one yesterday, I had decided that enough was enough...Torturing myself for someone who really cared none for my tears was just a waste of energy and effort...That was the day I had cried for the last time for that 'already over' relationship...It was the longest duration I had ever cried in my life, and it was the most silent one too...Two rivers flown from my eyes till the morning sun was bright enough to dry them off and those rivers had left me bruised inside...But, as I had gotten up from my bed that morning I was a different person...All alone but ready to take charge of my own life, without anyone's favour and without anyone's tantrums for loving them...I had gotten into a phase where I was the only one responsible for my own decisions and the one witnessing the fruit of what I sowed...Also I was the one who had to make sure there was always a sheild between my heart and mind not to let my heart overpower my mind (and unfortunately this one seemed to be the toughest job in the lot)...My tears were as ready as a cloudy sky to pour and my heart was as weak as the chocolates on a boiling pan...But, it was my turn to face the world, alone, and if not for me for the lovely people around me...And, sadly, these were also the ones, whose existence I had almost ignored during the break up phase...I had put a full stop to the fact that I had once loved the person and he loved me back (or rather I should say I put a full stop to my realization that I still did but he didn't)...And, strangley enough the 'petite and weak-at-heart' me was acting like one who doesn't care about who loved her and who didn't...Like the one 'being happy that she got ditched'...And like the one who needed her own self than the one she really loved...But, it worked...Things fell back in place, sorrow turned into bright smiles, made friends with newer people who cared, love happend in form of admiration and then one morning, everything seemed so normal...

Well, I know I started this story saying that whatever had happened last night, or the books I read last night had to do with my this new 'reanalyzing self'...I might seem to forget it by so far, but no, I haven't...The book Aleph talks about keeping the faith alive...As I had taken a journey with Paulo's search for love and forgiveness (that is what he summarises his book as), and his encounters to conquer his fears, I was coming to realize, at a point of time evrybody needs to take a step forward and see beyond the usual to know that he can face more than waht he anticipates and that too in a much stronger way than he actually seems to afford...It's not the bad things that fate makes happen to one, rather it's the positivity that fate brings wrapped inside the negative incidents...

Well, I've not achieved anything in life to talk really big and spill out serious words...But, when I find myself being the 'Me' of today, which is a surprising feeling to myself, I just feel the need of analyzing things over and over again...And, that is what I'm doing now too...I know, I'm talking all about 'Me-and-only-myself' kind of stuffs right now, but that is what this write up is about...The inspiration that had come from my within to keep going in life when I was in the verge of blacking out to the unknown future is what I always go back to again and again...Probably that is why I make a connect with everything that is about finding oneself...Yes, that is why I have developed a belief in finding oneself in the ways he can afford to...Going by a normal standard I have done nothing to boast about...But if I go by my own calibre, I have done more than I could ever imagine...I had stood up for my own life when it was easier to step out, I had persuaded my love when it was easier to let go and I had brought myself back to stand my own feet when it was easier to just break down...And all I had done was not something I can ignore either...

Well, it's been almost 18 hours I had finished the books...And I guess, it's more than 18 months I have not thought about losing out on my first and biggest battle of life...The battle of love...But, at this point in time the loss had all the positive marks on me...Because that loss had made me a winner (or atleast one who is in love with winning)...A (or should I say an aspiring) winner in life...And, yes, this is why I love life, every teardrop makes a drop less for the future...Every bruise makes you resistant for the future wounds and evrey bit of pain makes you stronger to face the deeper pains in the future...And the truth of life also lies in all these...The truth of the joy that one enjoys while mending the injuries in every fold of this unknown adventure...

I think it's the ten millionths time that a reading inspired me to relook at life (or my life)...And I'm happy that I did...It's something about books that I totally in love with...They have enough power to make you have a reality check of your life...And this reality check is something that one needs every now and then...Well, at least me...And I'm glad that I just had one the other night...

IT'S TIME TO STAY AWAKE...WITH HER STORY...

From my Diary: October 9th, 2011, 12.59 PM

It's late at night...And as usual, I'm sitting in the kitchen, catching up with my late night glass of chilled coffee and the weekend special edition of the newspaper...As I sip on my coffee and finish one article, I take a break for a while, and before moving on to the next, I start a conversation with the other girl in the quiet kitchen, Preet...From her busy movements from the wash basin to the gas stove to the freeze to the microwave, she responds to my queries...And as she does, as always she amuses me...

It's nearly been a year, I came to stay at this place, and, almost the same amount of time, I've known this girl Preet...She comes to this place, everyday, at around 11.30 at night, and does her share of cleaning up the kitchen, washing the utensils used throughout the day, making sure that everythin in the rest of the house is in place, and finishing all the necessary arrangements for the next morning...And, when the morning comes, she prepares the tea for four people (including me), cooks food for two and does the morning round of cleaning up the house, before she leaves at 10 to start the rest of her day...She has been a real surprise and amusement for me for all these time, and that is the reason why I initiate conversations with her everytime I can manage...And, to add a cherry on top of the already yummy cake, she narrates her story in such a jovial manner that it always perfectly compliments my late night chilled coffee...

Today, she tells me, that she has attended some seminar on dental therapy this afternoon...Oh, did I tell you about her job in a dental clinic??I guess not..Yes, every morning, after she goes back from our place, she goes to her permanent job of being a help to a dentist...And that is not the end, after coming back from the clinic by 9 every night, she also attends to her daily household chores at her own home...Then she finishes her dinner, and comes to our place by 11.30...Yes, everyday, she works 3 shifts...3 back to back shifts...Not to mention, it's being Mumbai, she travels in local trains, at the rush hours, walks from the station to her place and it's something she does without a hitch and of course the slightest complaint...

She tells me that her seminar was at Lower Parel and after reaching home, she cooked fish curry for her family...I ask her, doesn't she get tired...'I'm used to to it', comes her reply...She seems very happy for having cooked something special for her family for a Saturday dinner...'It was Navaratri na, so nobody in the family had eaten non vegetarian for last 9 days, so cooked today...Actually I was tired, but so many days mum and dad didn't have this kind of food...So ended up cooking', she explains to me...I get surprised as I realise how one can think so much at a given point of time, espicially when one has a life like Preet's, in which, she has to devote more thank 17 hours, sorting other's lives than her own...Yes, at any given point of time she thinks about others...Others' priorities are hers, and she has hardly anything left for herself...At least one would definitely feel so when they see Preet for the first time....

But, no...One who knows Preet a little more, he would know, she had also planned her life...Sometime's back, in a conversation like today's, she had told me what she wants to do in life...Of course, being a girl from a typical local family, she wouldn't have dreamt of making it highly big in her professional life...And most obviously she hasn't, but, as a daughter (or should I say, an earning daughter), she has done what she should and has to do...She has completed her complete studies with her own hard earned money...She supports her parents with her share of contribution towards the family spending, bears all the cost for her brother's studies....And, and...and...At this point of time, she has made sure that she has her future secured financially...Yes, the most amusing fact of this girl is that, she has done everything that is ideally done by somebody who's highly matured and experienced in life...And if you go by her age, she is 3 years younger to me!!!

It's amazing, how some people know how to handle life the way it appears in front of them...It's amazing to see how some people don't consider problems as problems, rather find out solutions gracefully...It's surprising to see, how for some people, life is all about living every moment with an open mind rather than complaining about the non existent possibilities...It's so inspiring to see, how some people don't consider hardships as barriers to their existence, rather take as the most usual way of life, and thus succeed attaining mental peace...

As the twinkle in this girl's eyes starts transforming into my soul, I realize, yes, life is all about finding small happinesses in the mundanes...No matter what comes on our ways, if we start taking them as something we can do, nothing can stop us from implementing those....A little vision, a little maturity, a little understanding, a little patience and a little readiness in our mindsets, to accept and find happiness in any situation, and we are all set to conquer the world...And that's when comes other positivities too on our way...Other positivities being peace of mind, joy of living, purpose of existence and of course the worth of being human....(Ah! sounds like Salman Khan's trust, but on a serious note no)...

I'm done with my coffee...And Preet is with her chores...She wishes me goodnight and leaves the kitchen, leaving me behind...I switch the lights off, but sit back on the chair... I'm not ready to sleep yet...Probably, because, it's one of those rare times, when my senses are awake...And I really wish, they stay that way, at least for a while....

THAT'S HOW WE PARTED...

'You didn't have to come'...He said, looking away...It's more than half an hour we were together that evening, and he hadn't looked into my eyes, not even once...And it had left me clueless, whether it was really that he didn't want to, or he just couldn't...Regardless of the reason, I knew exactly what was going to happen, at the end of that evening and that had made me get few painful pangs in my stomach...I wished, I could make that moment stop, and not let the evening come...I just wished…

As I ran my fingers aimlessly over the coffee menu, I asked, 'So'...My eyes met his, briefly, and the next moment he looked away, again...'You say', all he said...Yes, I had to say…Yes, I had to ask…I wanted to ask him, why did he send me the text which he had the previous evening...I wanted to ask him, what had made him take such a decision...I wanted to ask him, didn't he think about me, even once, before he had made up his mind...I wanted to ask him, how, once sweet, innocent and always soft spoken ‘Baby’ of mine could be so brave to say what he had, in that text…But, no word came out of my mind...i kept numb…I sighed...I looked away too, to hide my tears, which had refused to listen to me anymore...And I went back to the previous evening, when I had to witness one of the most difficult moment of my life, followed by one of the most painful evenings of my life...

It was the last day of my internship...Summer had really taken a cruel peak that year, and with an internship that made me have more than 5 meetings back-to-back, everyday, I was almost in the verge of getting insane...Thankfully, everything had a point where it ended, and the internship was coming to an end that day...And I was happy, I had enough reasons to be happy...One, a very important one, being I was going to meet him...It was more than a quarter of the year I hadn't met him...Unfortunately, his internship was in a different city and the freaky maddening schedule of assignments of the internship had made both of us give very little time to each other...To make things even crazier, after a maddening fight over all the useless reasons a month back, it was rare that we were able to have a heart-to-heart conversation...Therefore, with all the reasons together, end of the internship was something I had been looking forward to with all my heart... And I was sure; he was waiting for the same too…Although, now I realized his reasons were not the same as I imagines them to be…

That evening, however, things were not stored for me, as I would have liked them to be...As the day was turning to be a beautiful evening, and I was at the zenith of my happiness, I had a text message on my phone...It was from him...It was a short message, but one of its kind...One of those kind, that had the power to devastate my life...One of those kind, that had the power to turn my life into a living hell...And one of those kind, that had the power to turn me lifeless...And, truly it did...The 2 liner read, 'I think we should go our own ways...We're not meant to be together'...The rest of the evening was something I would never like to remember in any point of my life...For few hours, I was not able to realize, what had happened...And when I did, I knew my whole world was crashing down...

After a sleepless night that followed the evening, I had got into the first bus I could know would reach the small town I intended to go...And now I was there, in front of him...Sitting in the same coffee shop, where we had sat six months before too...But things were not same this evening, as they were six months back…Then we were happy, and now we were not...Then, I was myself, enjoying with the guy I love, my hands in his...And today, we were sitting far across from each other, and our hearts even further...We were not into each other anymore...My soul inside was screaming helplessly…In that scream, my voice had lost its existence, and I had ended up sitting numb and quite...

'Ma'am, your coffee', the uniformed waiter at the coffee shop brought the coffee he ordered for me...He knew everything about me, including the coffee I would like to have...But today, that hadn't made me happy, my inside was crying, screaming and cursing him, 'cuz, it knew, any of what he was doing for me today, was not more than just a gentle gesture and that he didn't care for me anymore...My inside was soaked in some stupid arrogance which kept telling me that I should yell at the silent guy in front of me, cuz despite of knowing how much he was wanted in my life, he had decided to move away from me...My inside was dipped in endless tears, which kept reminding me that the guy sitting in front of me was not mine anymore...And, every time I started looking at those eyes of him, my own eyes betrayed me...'Cuz, unlike always, I couldn’t see the love and care they reflected for me..'.Cuz unlike always, they didn't speak to me...And unlike always they didn't seem familiar to me...

It was more than a couple of hours, we sat that way...and more than a couple of coffees, we ordered, just to leave untouched...Words were rare, feelings were dry, tears were more...Neither of us knew, what to say, how to behave, how to react...All we were doing was stealing few looks at each other...Time was passing by...I knew I had very less time with him, and I didn't want it...I wished I could make the clock stop running...I wished I could make the last sunrays of the day stop...I wished I could just get into his arms and forget the world...I wished I could just realize that all that was happening around me was just in my imagination and in real I was with him, holding his hands...I wished he would just call me his Princess and make me feel the luckiest girl around...But I knew, none of it was going to happen...I knew, that, once we were out of this place, we would never meet each other again...I knew, no matter what, we were already miles away from each other...I knew, the 'WE' that always existed, was already a history...

'I will leave then'...I said as I walked to the bus station where my return bus was waiting...He handed me my bag...It was dark everywhere, the lights away had made the place a magical one...The bus had started getting occupied...As he handed my ticket, he arranged my disobedient hair on my face...I was shivering...The touch of his hand, which was so familiar to me was still the same...And it made me get chills through my veins...My eyes dampened...He could know that...He wiped them off...For the first time in that evening he took me in his arms...He kissed my eyes...I didn't resist...Neither my tears, nor my increasing sob, nor him...

I let myself sob, and sob, and sob...Right in his arms...'Cuz I knew, that was the last time I was crying like that, I knew, that was the end of it all, I knew that was the moment when we were closing the most beautiful chapter of my life...I didn't know, for how long I was in his arms, crying my heart out...But when I did, it was time, I got into the bus...To start a journey, all alone...It was also the time, I got into the paths of life..To start a ride, all alone, where I didn't have him...'Cuz it was the time, we have chosen to go our different ways...

Yes, it was the time, we had departed, from each other, from being one...Yes, it was how we parted...Our ways, towards two separate ones…Parallel…And never to meet again… Anywhere…

THINKING ABOUT YOU...THANKING YOU

Well, it's drizzling since morning...One of the last few rains of the season....The silvery droplets with the pale rays of the moon have created some kind of magic, and with my music on my ears I'm completely transfered into a different world altogether...Inside my cozy blanket, I'm in my 'The Happiest' state...And, yes, as usual I'm thinking about 'You'...The way I always do, when I'm highly happy or highly sad...I'm thinking about all those happy moments we shared which are still something that I treasure...The moments which have major share in crafting the 'Me' of today...And those moments, which, if I decide to forget, I'll really be at a loss of few very beautiful and wonderful moments of my life...

Yes, I'm thinking about those small happinesses I shared with you...Those walks on the deserted roads, those repeating cups of coffee in the coffee shops, those late night talks till the wee hours of the morning...Yes, I remember all of it, and guess what, those make me smile 'cuz, those silly things were something that made me happy in those days, and still do...Those insane things made me see the true colours of life...Made me fall in love with the small things in life...Made me take life in an easier way than I always used to...And, today that is what I love life for...For the small happinesses it offers, for the little drops of joy it brings, for the million moments of reasonless ecstacy...

Yes, I'm also thinking about those moments when we behaved crazzy...Those maddening late night fights, only to make up early in the morning...Those all night long phone calls post an evening fight, only to just hold the phone against ears, without uttering a word at all during the whole time...Those one word make ups, post a one week break up...Yes, I remember all of it...And guess what, those too, make me smile 'cuz, those crazzy things were something that made me happy those days, and still do...Those mad things were something that made me realize what it's to be in love...Made me realize the fun of acting and being crazzy...Made me see the value of attachment...And today, I'm much better in handling any of its kind than those times, today, I would not take a maddening step to hurt anybody like before...And today, I would definitely not make anybody suffer cuz of me...

Yes, I'm also thinking about you not being in my life anymore...Well, unlike the other things, this one doesn't make me very happy, nor does make me smile with my heart out...But, it doesn't make me sad either, cuz I realize, somewhere you must be having the kind of life you need, and you want...And that does make me smile...As does the thought of those sweet moments of your presence in my life...Those soft hugs before each of my college exams, those soft kisses on my eyes before parting away each day, and those whispering words in my ears every evening...I often miss each of those...Well, I'm fine without those, just that with those I would have been better...

Well, by now, I'm sure of one thing, that I'm missing you...But I'm happy to miss you...Many a times it's better to realize and understand things, when it's all over...That makes it more glorious and worthy...And I'm happy that you are one of such feelings in my life...'Cuz, as I know myself, it takes a lot of effort from myself to really value something as it deserves, and I'm sure with me, you had felt the same too...And, I'm happy that today I value you more than I always did, one 'cuz you do deserve it (at least from me, for all you did for me)...and second you made me a better me, both with your presence, and of course with your absence...

Well, I guess, I'm sleepy...My eyelids are heavy, and any moment I'll fall asleep...So, here I stop, and get back to my world of music and dream...But, before that, one last thing, only for you...Thank you...For everything you did, for eveyrthing you meant, for everything, good and bad...Noone around me would ever know, and understand, why, what, and how...But you did make me a better me...You really did...

WITH YOU, WITHOUT YOU....TO ALL MY FRIENDS...

‘Freeeakkkk’ was the word that came to my mind, as I could see the train moving from the bridge….Yes, I just missed it….Two minutes and I could have reached the same to see my friends off….But no, crazy and lazy me could not make it, very much like any other time, with any other friends…..My phone rings, and as I pick up and start saying sorry, my friend says that it is all cool….Of course, anybody who knows me would try and consoling me, even if it is my fault, and this friend of mine too did the same…I get hyper with myself and buy a large cold drink to calm myself down…As I sip on it, and come out of the deserted platform, I just feel a pang in my stomach…Because suddenly I realize how difficult it would have been to live my life, had these people been not in my life….

Yes, these people, MY FRIENDS, who, over the time have become a part of my life…who, over the time have become my family…and who, over the time have saved me from going insane every time a trouble crops up in my life….Yes, these people have been standing with me, beside me, by me, every time I need them…Yes, these people have been crying with me, laughing with me, and also fighting with me, whenever a reason arises….And, along with each of these, these are the people who have been making me fall in love with life, over and over again….In short, these are the people for whom, I can afford to see and face life in any way it decides to appear…..

Very often, I say a thing to everybody (only those who holds a place in my heart) that I might not be the best of person they have met in their life, but their presence surely makes me the luckiest one…And when I say this, I mean it…There is not the slightest doubt about this (I like to consider it as a fact) in my life…I might fall into ant trouble, but that doesn’t make me scared, because I see my friends standing next to me to save me from it….I might never see a place before in my life, but I don’t get scared to land up in it, because I know somehow my friend will land up there too…But, most importantly, I don’t get scared to be myself most of the time, because I know, my friend are there to understand me, even if the larger portion of the crowd do not….And, that is how, you, my friends make me ME….And, I take pride to have you guys around me…

Good and bad, experiences of both kinds happen in life, in general…And my life is no exception…But, you guys turn my bad experience to some exciting ones too…And that is how they do not remain bad anymore… You share my happiness and make it multiplied….You share my pain and make it nonexistent….You wipe my tears and broaden my smile…You appreciate my compliments and ignore my shoutings…You remember my sweetness and forget my anger….And most importantly you let me know that I’m cared….loved…and wanted as an important part of your life…That’s make me feel so special…

It’s all about you guys…About those moments, that I wish I could paint in a canvas and keep them alive all my life…It’s about those insane jokes in coffee shops…those maddening laughs over phone, those crazy acts in airports….those irritating complaints in restaurants, those unnerving arguments over choosing a place for vacation, those long lectures over each others’ broken affairs….Those moments, of saying sorry over the home delivered pizza (with an idiotic ‘sorry’ on it), of buying me a daily planner and gifting it in the middle of air (with all my reminders written), of letting me two seats to sit (so that nobody else can sit beside me)…and on and on….Can I ever complete listing everything out…Without a doubt, CAN’T….

Yes, it is all about you, my friends, who give a new meaning to my life…Who, despite of knowing me as one of the most insane living being alive, treat me just like a precious gift…And that makes me feel that no matter what, I can look beyond…Because, somehow you guys make me stronger in life…
As I walk out of the platform, a sense of pride engulfs me….That is because, despite of what many others say and object, in life I’ve done few exceptionally brilliant jobs…One of those is making few friends whom I can say my own without a second thought….Having you guys around is one of the most mesmerizing and amazing feeling I can ever imagine of…..

Well, I should just stop now…But, as always with one sincere request to all of you, my friends…Please be there for me always…With you, I see no fear, I see no sorrow and with you I see no tough time…With you, I see all the happiness around, I see all the security around and all the love around…But what makes me feel so proud of you always is the fact that, with you I’m always ME….Thanks for being there…Love you all with my every breathe, and wish someday I make you guys proud too, for having me in your life…

Happy Friendship Day……

IT POURS INSIDE ME......

Well….it has been pouring outside….continuously…or occasionally….or in bits and pieces…But it’s pouring…..An off day, all the time in the world all to myself, a steaming coffee in hand, a book to give me my desired company and some amazing music on my ipod…Yes, the perfect afternoon to make me feel, yes, it’s life…As I sip my coffee, I take a break from the book in my hand, and look out through the window…And, that is when I realize, it is exactly the same how it was that very afternoon….

Yes, that afternoon, when I realized that I was in love…That moment, when I fell for him…That moment, when I saw the world that I always dreamt off in his eyes…And that is how, I knew, he was the one I had been waiting for all my life…

Yeah, it was a day like today, it was pouring continuously that day too…The rain washed world around looked fresh, bright and clear like never before..The fresh breeze was just playing carelessly with everyone’s hair around…Yes, that’s how it was everywhere….I was sitting by the window in my flat, where I was staying as a paying guest…A steaming cup of coffee in hand, some soul stirring music on FM and a book in hand, which was the perfect company of all time for me… I had all the time in the world to myself, and that was how I always wanted my afternoons to be…A completely private and indulging one…I had every reason to be happy and should have wanted nothing more at that moment…

But, it was a little different that evening…As I sipped on to my coffee in that magical atmosphere, and tried concentrating in the enticing storyline of the book in hand, I realized I was missing something…Although I had no way to know what it was, it was driving me insane…. Every passing moment, I realized I was being ignorant about something which was highly important for me and the irony was that I didn’t even know what…

That was when I put the book down, and decided to have a walk in the terrace next to my room….As I stepped outside, the crystal drops of yet continuing rain welcomed me, so as did the fragrant breeze…My short hair got messed up and the rain drops gently washed my face…The flowers on the tubs were in their bestest look and the green bushes on the waist high wall couldn’t have looked greener and fresher… Mesmerized was the word that came to my mind, when I searched for one to describe my feeling…I kept walking…As I reached the edges, I looked out…And then, yes, exactly then, it happened….I realized what I was missing and it made me realize why despite of the most perfect afternoon, I was not enjoying the beauty of it, and also realized what I had been looking for all those while when I just ignored to even try knowing the same…

Yes, he was there…In that rainy afternoon, I saw his face…I saw his innocent face, his soft smile and those eyes which spoke silently yet with a deeper meaning than I could ever think of…And amazingly enough, he was waiting there for me, without troubling me, without asking me to come outside of my cozy place, but just hoping and wishing that I do show up…I didn’t know, since when he had been standing there, but I knew he had been there…Him standing outside my closed door opened a new window of my feelings… I knew instantly, all this while, it was him I had been missing so deeply…It was his presence that I was ignorant to realize as my source of completing happiness…And all this while it was him, who made me not feel the way I felt at that very afternoon…

I ran to him….I was standing face to face with him in the next minute….He was staring at me, and I was at him…I didn’t say a thing, neither did he…Because we knew, what was in each other’s mind…Our eyes met, they did the speaking…..We were in the verge of forgetting the world, cuz, we were unfolding something which we never know would happen…Yes, that was how it felt then, the world just stopped, the only thing that was moving was our hearts…They were beating faster and faster with every passing minute…And I realized, that was the moment I knew I that I had fallen for him… And, hat was the first time I discovered the world to be even more beautiful than it always used to be…

The suddenly stronger breeze leaves my now long hair messed up….And I come back to the present… It is still pouring outside…And so is it pouring inside…Yes, it’s the memories of those times, pouring inside…Inside of me...And, suddenly I realize, something else too has been pouring inside me, since that very moment when I had fallen for him…That is LOVE….That love, which taught me how to live, taught me how to love and most importantly taught me how to dream…Yes, it pours inside me, with every breathe I take…

FATHER'S DAY...IT'S FOR YOU DITA.......

Well….it’s Father’s Day tomorrow….And as always, I donot really get highly overwhelmed with the idea of celebrating itwith my dad….Of course I will wish him, of course I will tell him that I love him…And of course I will tell him that I miss him…But then, I will not do something exclusive to make him extraordinary today, and make him feel him special on this so called SPECIAL day…..

Well, by now, I’m sounding like somebody, who doesn’t really care about her family, and specially her dad…. I sound rude, harsh, emotionless and top of that foolish, not to celebrate this SPECIAL DAY with her dad…But then I have my own reasons…

How can I just dedicate only one day of my life to my Dad in the entire year, when the reality is that the entire life of mine is given by him…How can I just make him special only for a day, when my one and only goal in life is to make him special for all his life…How can I just say that I miss him, when I actually die to be with him….How can I just dare to say that I love him, when he is the only person who taught me what it is to love and care without asking anything back….

Well, yes….my dad, my Dita….it’s all about you..It’s all about you that makes me who I am…It’s you, for whom I can dare to be the careless Princess, without bothering to know the the ugly world…It’s you, for whom I can dare to dream big, without bothering about the hard road it stores….It’s you, for whom I can do away with getting trapped in any problem life stores, without getting hurt… And most importantly, it’s you, for whom, I can overcome any hard time, bcuz you make me feel I’m much, much stronger than any of those harsh blows life can decide to store for me….

Yes, people come and go in my life….they have their own influence in my life, some make me feel I’m worth more than I seem to be (they are the ones who make me also feel that I’m blessed), some make me feel I’m good for nothing (not that I care much) and some just stay there being nothing but mere strangers for me (well, I donot even know why do they come to my life)…But, it’s you Dita, who always stands by my side without even making me feel that you’re there…Ans it’s when a blow lands on my head and I lose balance, do I know that you hold me, restraining from falling down…And that’s when I know you were always there witnessing my each and every move, letting me experience everything on my own, yet keeping a sharp eye on me, lest I fall down…And, when I do start falling down, you come over, saving me from witnnessing the minutest scratch…

You do everything that makes me feel like a Princess…You choose the best of the best for me…..You consider me to be the best daughter anybody can ever get (well, I love to think the same, although I let you down many a times)….You truly believe I deserve the best in the world….And, when I shed tears, you intend to destroy the very reason that makes me shed thoses tears…You make me stay miles away from the badness of this world and make me feel that it is a fairytale plot….You donot make me realize that there are thousand things in life that I lack, and for which I’m not worthy at all…..You just make me believe that I’m worthy of the best in life and I am just so perfect….

And, all these while, when I have been staying away from you, I realize these even more…I miss every bit of your presence in my life…everyday, every moment…I miss those times, when you used to make me sit beside you and tell things about the beautiful world…I miss those evenings when you used to listen to my endless ramblings and never telling that you hardly understood what I tried saying (well, I just loved ramblings things without any motive)…I miss those mornings, when you used to be late to work, yet used to stand by my side to let me be done with my lazy breakfast…..I miss those times, when I used to get into all crazy naughtiness (including singing that scared everybody away) and you used to convince mom that she should let me carry on (‘Let her sing na’..you used to say..’who knows that makes her happy’)…I miss those times when a single word from you used to take away all my tensions and worries in life (which still does)…Most importantly I miss the feeling of safety and protection that you usd to ensure when you used to put your arms around me…I so miss every bit of it…

Yes….you are missed every moment of my life Dita…You are the one person in my life whom I dedicate my life to…I know, I don’t do things which are upto best of your expectation…But, you can trust me o one thing, whatever I do, I never want you to suffer from its consequences…I never really want to let you down to the extent of losing your faith in me…I might not be the perfect daughter if you measure me in the general average standards…but, I know that’s hardly going to effect your love and care for me…..And that makes me feel so proud of myself….’Cuz I have the luxury of having the best dad in the world….

So, can you see Dita, why I donot get highly excited about this special day…Cuz,with you around every single day of life is special and for you I cannot just afford to dedicate ONLY ONE day…You are missed every moment, you are loved with every breathe and you are needed in every step of my life Dita…So, you are celebrated every day in my life…Your presence is celebrated every moment in my life…And, I proudly feel blessed everytime I realize I have you (and that happens every second)…..

So, this one goes for you Dita....A simple yet heartfelt confession (which i always try protecting within myself)...I wish, someday bring you every bit of wonders down to your feet...I know, you will never want me to prove my love for you, but i wish, one ay you reall feel proud to be my Dita....

Love you Dita…..

ONE YEAR IN ADVERTISING...ONE YEAR AT OUR IBD.....

‘Change your deadline, studio is packed’….That’s the reply I get as submit a requisition form….And if I try saying that, I have a deadline, really urgent, comes a readymade reply ‘Then you should have put the requisition in earlier, I know you guys, don’t act cunning (‘chalu’, in his language) with me’….And at that time, I will have no way to tell him that I got the final approval on the layout just 15 minutes back, and that too after a series of non-stop follow ups with the client (well, can’t blame them too, they too have a protocol to approve a layout)…..

Well, that is how, every weekday of mine starts, for last one year…And, if anybody dares to think that this is the only tantrum I face at my work place, you are highly mistaken dude…This is not even .001 % of the actual pain that you suffer in an ad agency….And yeah, one who said that you should keep your personal and professional life far apart from each other, he has probably never known about how it is to work in a place like an ad agency, where it is very very very difficult to realize the hairline difference between the two…

As I started this career, I was at the top of my excitement, about working in a place where every single sqmm of space talks about creativity…The steaming coffee spreads aroma of creativity, the air conditioner produces chilled air of creativity, the walls speak out loud about creativity and even the roof reminds you about the fact that you are under a sky of creative clouds.…And, with these you are sure to fly in the sky of creative world, and you start believing that you are ‘something different’….

Well, the moment you step inside 'the ad agency’, your perception changes…Reasons??? The numerous minor and major struggles that you face while proving your ‘creative’ point to a league of people, who also possess the same mindset (in terms of perceiving creativity at its most effective manner), and by the way, they deserve to do so cuz, they have really dedicated their blood and sweat to the field, and to be honest they are really not less that heroes.… And, suddenly you get to know a fact, an advertisement that gets published (and that looks highly glamorous), is a result of pure hardwork of a team of highly dedicated (who donot bother about leaving work at late night, or should I say, early morning to come back at the exact office time next, or rather that very morning, AGAIN) and responsible people…

Well, that is about working in ad agency, a short summary of perception and reality (not that I have to say exactly the same)…And that was what I was told, as I started my career too…What more, looking at the ‘petite and cry baby looks’ of mine, even I was convinced with everybody else that I will have to stop continuing in a very short time….(Here, I have my points, like witnessing those nerve breaking fights between and within teams, and...well….lets not speak beyond)

But then….It’s a year….I amaze myself, how I survived....But actually I did complete a year…In an ad agency and that too in Client Servicing…And as I praise myself at my surprising achievement of completing a year, I would prefer to put it as ‘at IBD’, rather than anywhere else, cuz, I’m highly sure of one thing, I could not have done it if it was not IBD….

Well, like every newcomer, it was not easy…In fact, considering the fact that, I lose myself at the minutest abuse, my tears start flowing at the smallest mishap and my patience goes for a toss at every small occasion (including with myself), it was in fact beyond bravery that I decided to stick to ‘advertising’...Running from desk to desk to collect job status, to taking out papers to print my own sheets, well, that is bit too much I expected from myself…But then, I’m happy that I did all that…At least, today I feel proud of choosing to be here..Today, when I look at myself and realize, I’ve turned into a much stronger person that I would have otherwise been, I just have to say one thing...It’s all because of the place I work at this place…at IBD…

Everybody has their own reasons of working, career, money, satisfaction…And for me, I would say, it is an emotional bonding with this place that I can never get over…Every time, I decided to cry, there was an arm around saying that, I’m much more than just a ‘cry baby’…Every time I was down, there was some or the other person saying that, things are worse in other place than ours, so it’s not justified if I broke down at just this..Well, those might seem mere words, but those encouraged me enough to carry on…And, today, as I realize, I can really do much more than what I’m doing, I completely agree with one thing, this is all because of you guys..

Well, it might seem as over pour of emotions to talk about my workplace this way, but as I say, in a place like IBD, it is justified (especially when it’s me, for whom that really matters), cuz we spend more time here than at our respective places…As against everybody saying, it is highly impossible to stay unaffected in your personal life, if you not right at your workplace..And, so this note goes as a ‘Thank you’ to all you guys at IBD…

To name a few, Priya, for encouraging always (and reading my FB status and saying that I should put my emotions in writing briefs), Mandy for the last minute layouts that save us (and if you remember, you have saved me many and many a times, also for patiently listening to me even when i come up with strange deadlines), Swapi for the layouts that always end up fetching a highly appreciative mail in our inbox (by the way, you are one creative guy, who briefed Servicing, well you know what I mean), Abhi,for consoling me all the time, when I sat outside and cried like a kid (but not for calling me Nepali), Ritesh, for saying you will not give us layouts exaclty when we demand for and then saving us at the last minutes (not for the beers we owe you)..Sami, for being a sweet friend always and helping with the layouts even when you are in a hurry to go shopping…Manish, for the nice and always appreciated copy (not for the headlines that you ordered us to frame)…Amish, for the brief formats and of course the copy…Prashant, for working till late (almost alway) and completing ‘our’ work (not for the always open 7-8 chat windows and the pretence that you dont hear me, when i come up with sudden briefs)…Shivani, for coming to help me on Saturdays (and for the Chutkule book, though I cant get the jokes, cuz nobody to decode)..Anil, Hildeg and Purvi, for crdeiting my salary (although, that is not a very happy amount and it is time you increased it)...The studio (including Rameshji) for helping us meet all the deadlines…

And, and...and....most importantly Hina, for being the one who always stands by me…and for the motivation that I need to carry on in this place...I won’t say much, but you know if it was not for you, I could never have survived in this place…Just want to say one more thing, you are a rock star, I think you have saved me more times than anybody else have ever done in my life (by the way, everybody knows it, you remember someone saying, that ‘Maata Kali’ wala phrase)..But, on a serious note, you really inspire me to do good always…And it is a fact…

Hmmm, it is enough…I think I should stop now, or else you guys will think I’m hitting on each of you…But, last thing..I’m happy and proud to have you guys as my colleagues…Cuz, end of the day, you guys make my life so much easy and enjoyable…And, for that I just love you all…

IT'S FOR YOU MOM.....LOVE YOU....

Since my memory could reach, I remember never being called as Mama’s darling, but always Dad’s Lil Princess….And Mom never seemed to mind it at all…Every morning, when we used to get ready for our own work, I always used to be by Dad’s side to help him get ready, rather than asking Mom if she needs anything at all….Don’t remember entering the kitchen to even ask Mom if she needed a hand….And every time there is an arguments between Mom and Dad, I was always by my Dad’s side (even if he was wrong), and Mom used to be the one man (or rather one woman) army…But then, as usual Mom never seemed to mind it (or was it just my illusion)….

Days passed by, and I grew up to be strong enough to stay away from Mom and Dad (of course studies and work)….And, then all of a sudden, over one recent conversation, I realized how Mom really felt about those small moments…It so happened that, she called me up one late evening, and asked how my bro (who is in a different city, by the way and I know about him not more than my Mom does) is..As usual it pissed me off, as I always believed that she cares for my bro, much more than she does for me…So, I didn’t stop myself from showing my arrogance and told her that I’m sad cuz she doesn’t care about me….She didn’t say much, said that she would call him up herself and would find out how he was….
By night, the incident was forgotten and me, as usual slept just after reaching back from work….Late night, my phone rang like insane and somehow I woke up from my even insane sleep…It was my Mom…As I picked up the call, she told me that she was not getting sleep and wanted to talk to me…I felt bad for my Mom (who works whole day and supposed to be sleeping deep by this hour of night) and sat down to talk to her….As we spoke, I realized something that gave me pangs in my stomach…The reason why she couldn’t get sleep was me and my idiotic comment earlier that evening….She was in a terrible state as she felt, me really perceive her to be not caring for me…She told me, she might not ask me how I was everyday but she cared for me as much as she cared for my bro….She told me, every time I was into any trouble (the minutest), she always cried thinking how I must be going through….And most importantly, she told me, she knows that I wouldl always be fine, cuz I’m so like her, who faces everything rather than escaping from them and fights things rather than letting them engulf self….As her words left me stunned, she said she would go back to sleep…We hung up..

Those simple words from my Mom at the wee hours of the morning somehow made me go into deep thinking…I tried looking back to all those time when I never cared to look into her eyes how she felt about me…And all I could see now is love and only love…Unconditional pure and sacred love….She never minded when I ignored her, she never minded when I said ‘No I’m not talking to you now’, she never minded when I said ‘Mom, don’t irritate me’, she never minded when the number of calls on her phone from mine is not even 1% of the calls on my dad’s….She always cared for me like I’m her only ‘dream come true’, she always stood by my side when I needed someone to talk to during my growing up days (during which phase I was one of the most irritating kid in the world), and most importantly she always taught me to be me….

I know all Moms are like the sea, who takes up everything, good or bad of their kids and reflects the good aspects like the sea reflects only the clear blue sky, but my Mom is special for me..She is the one, I always look for everywhere (most of the time I don’t even realize it) , she is the one I always want myself to be (and sadly, I never realize that too), and most importantly she is the one I need all my life to speak my heart out….I know, I can’t be even half a percent of her being, but having her in my life is more than I can ever ask for…

I might never say this on face, but Mom, I love you….I wish I could go back to all the time when I didn’t make you feel that I love you more than anyone else, and can reassure you of the same…I wish I could go back to those days, when I was the most impossible kid and can let you know that for you I would be the most manageable one….I wish I could go back to those time, when I could just sleep in your lap and forget about the rest of the world….
Love you Mom….Happy Your Day…

A MESSAGE FROM GOD....AND MOVING ON.....

'God wants you to know..'
Well, it is just an application on the social networking site "Facebook"…but then, somehow I happen to believe each of them in a rather seriuos manner…And somehow, it always finds a connect with the state of my mind for that particular day or that particular period…It might be my illusion to the fact that I want it to see in that way, but whatever it is, the messages do carry some comfort if I have a bad day, some patience if I’m in the verge of losing it, some happiness if my day is sad, some stabliity if I’m about to fly with happiness, and most importantly it gives me company to speak my mind out, ‘cuz, at that point(as i read the message from God), I feel someone is really speaking to me..And that is one of the most comforting things in life, when you get someone speaking to you, just exactly at the moment when you need to be spoken to….

Today, as I try the application and have a look at the message sent for the day, a state of surprise engulfs me (yes, once again)…The message reads..
’’Today, you should celebrate what an unbelievable life you have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make you stronger. Just as a gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can a life be perfected without trials. Take a time to acknowledge your life and to praise yourself. ”

The reason why I’m perplexed and surprised, is not ‘cuz this is what I need to know today, but ‘cuz, this is what I’m already doing….Exactly one year back from today, somehow I’ve taken a sudden decision to leave my utterly comfortable life back in a city, where I grew up to know the world; and had decided to come to a place, which I hardly knew, with nobody to call as my own…And, that was certainly not one of my wisest decisions anyday (to be honest. none of decisions is wise, but thankfully, they turn out to be somewhat blissful in my life always), but today when I look back, I don’t regret it…Neither do I blame myself for it nor do I curse the people for whom I had to resort to this decision (well, nobody forced me for it, so anyway they don’t deserve to be cursed)..Infact, I appreciate myself, and my sudden and bizzare decision which made me begin an experience that is worth the effort….
Well, as usual that was not this easy, as I sound now…There had been a lot that was going inside me at that point, some of which kept telling me, I was doing exactly the right thing, and some, of course, was laughing at me for my foolishness…But, as it always does, my heart won over my mind, and one fine day (or rather this very fine day, a year back), I decided to listen to my heart (honestly that is what I always do)…That was difficult, with no particular concrete reason, strong enough to make the people around me understand my effort, I had landed up in this place…

But then, today I’m happy about being here, about how things have turned out for me….Everything have made me (or rather in the process of making me) strong, and ready to make me face the real (which is bit different and difficult from my fairy tale one) world…But that is what life all about, right…You have a bit of struggle and a lot of laugh…Yes, I agree, in mine there is a lot of struggle (beyond my strength can carry at times) along with the laugh, but I’m in love with my life…’Cuz, every step it teaches me some or the other things…Every step, although it takes away some of my dear ones, it also brings me close to some new people, whom I love with my heart…..If at times, it brings unstoppable tears to my eyes, it also brings boundless joys to my life…And that is how it teaches me the biggeset and truest truth of it, that, no matter what ‘’Life Moves On’’..

And, today as I absorb my pleasant surprise with the meessage from this application (silly one, as most of the people saay, although I decide to differ in that opinion), I jus feel happy, truly happy, to be a part of the biggest truth of life…The truth of moving on…

'THE WORLD CUP' WIN....INDIA....AND A PERSONAL THOUGHT.....

Many a times, weeks and months pass by, and nothing extraordinary happens…..Life stays monotonous and predictable….And many other times it so happens that in a matter of a short duration, loads of things happen and you end up losing the track of it….The gone by week was one such duration, when things happened fast, furious and insanity is one word that can sum up all that flown across….Yes it was an eventful week….And a week, that taught each of us a something or the other…….

Yes, I’m talking about the Cricket World Cup….In a country where people ‘Eats, drinks, sleeps and burps’ cricket (well, it is not my line, direct copy from a famous campaign), this event holds more meaning than anything else….And why not, this is the country where cricket and religion go hand in hand (at least in everyone’s mind) and cricketers are no less than gods (remember the banners the viewers carried to the field, that said ‘My mom told me to go to temple, so I came to watch the match’ )….This is the country where, passion for cricket and passion for living equate….This is the country where cricket bridges the minds of strangers, make them hug each other and make them friends for lifetime….So, it’s hardly anything new the response that this particular World Cup received from the countrymen…..

The reason, why I felt like putting down the wandering thoughts of mine on this particular event is purely personal…But I’m sure, it will resemble many others too….Yes, I’m talking about the passion, integrity and unity that the game created among us, the passion with which our ‘Men in Blue’ stood for the country during the match….And most importantly the passion that got displayed in each of us for the country….How many of didn’t get tears in our eyes, during the time the national anthem was being played….How many of us didn’t pray at least once during the match….And how many of us didn’t shed tears when the team lifted the cup…The answer will be hardly anyone…..

Yes, that is what we Indians are…..That is what our heart stores…We are the people, who knows how to forget the bad and embrace the good in anyone…We are the one who can think of the country first and then for self…We are the ones, who need only a small reason to be united and stand tall….We are the ones who has the immense power to love all as one…Yes, we are Indians….The country that has colours like that on a canvas, the country where rhythm takes another height, he country that teaches the world the language of love….That is India….And we are proud to be one among us…

The passion, generosity, strength, unity and spirit, that was displayed by MS Dhoni led ‘Team in Blue’, that teaches us that we still think about others before us…we still think about making a mark while letting others a chance for the same too…..Yes, you guys have reassured the spirit in us…Thanks for that….Thanks for lifting the ‘World Cup’ for us…But, more importantly thanks for reminding us of the strength and passion that we carry in us, which comes alive when we stand together….

HATRED...AND A CONFESSION........

It’s been long since I last thought of you….And today, as I play some music that we used to enjoy together, I remember you….Each of the beats takes me back to the moments we chatted over those….tried tuning into those….and dancing into those tunes….And all I realize, I hate you….I hate you for everything…I hate you for all the memories, good and bad… I hate you for all the tears you brought me, both of happiness and sorrow….I hate you for all the time I spent with you, both joyous and painful….

I hate you for making me dream, and then not helping me realize those….I hate you for making me look into life in a different way, and then making me realize that it was just an illusion…I hate you for making me feel like a Princess one day, and the next, making me face the rude world alone….And most importantly I hate you for loving me, and one day making me dip into sheer illusion, not knowing how to come out….

I hate you for making life so difficult for me….I hate you for making me so vulnerable, so weak on knees and so immature….I hate you for intruding into my life without me knowing, and take the central focus in it….I hate you for making me not realize the truths about life….I hate you for making my fairy tale stories come true….I hate you for making my every smallest wish come true….

I hate you for making me know the best feelings on earth….I hate you for making me happy like never before…I hate you for making me see the world in the best way possible…I hate you for making me paint my life with the best of the colours in the prettiest of the canvases. ..

I hate you for making me chase butterflies in dreams…I hate you for letting me play with only lights and never with the shades….I hate you for making me see the blooming flowers and not the dry leaves…I hate you for making me believe that the world is beautiful no matter what….

But, my hatred for you doubles; when I realize one day you made me realize that all you had made me build faith on were nothing but illusions….My hatred multiplies, when I realize it is mere impossible to just come back to the point where it all started; it is impossible to start everything all over again; it is impossible to just let things go and move on; it is impossible to just not recalling any of it all….

Yes, I hate you for everything said and done….Everything that makes me realize how much I was into you…Everything that makes me realize that how much more I will suffer in my coming days….And most importantly, I hate you cuz, I know I will stay this way all my life…Cuz I will always believe that you were real, and everything you did were for real…And no matter what, that will always make my hate you even more…..

PS. To the ones I loved with all my heart and who loved me back....

AN HONEST ACCEPTANCE...AND THE TRUTH BEHIND.........

Yes…I’m a girl….Yes I’m complicated…Yes I’m difficult to deal with…
I do things most of you feel are useless…I do things that you never feel are logical…I do things which are highly inappropriate to go with that particulAr situation…I do things which are childish…I do things that hardy makes sense for an average adult…
I read Cecilia and cry with Holly knowing she never exists.….I watch Enchanted and dream about fairytales knowing they happen only in flicks…I tune with Avril, and believe that I play better than her knowing that I hardly can hold the guitar….I hum with Taylor and believe in Love Stories knowing that those are just plain luck….
I believe that people around me will think of me the way I do for them although I see the truth that they don’t.…..I believe there cannot be anyone who thinks bad of anyone although I know it is simply the other way around.….I believe nobody on earth should go through pain although I know everybody has to deal with lot of those…
I drink my iceberg and break the glass and end up paying for it….I eat chocolates and keep the wrapper as it makes me sad to throw it away…..I eat calories and next 2 hours keep promising to myself that, I will never repeat it…..I love the chocolates that come inside the gift wrappers than the ones that I buy…
I love it when you buy flowers for me, not when you plan a five course dinner for me…I love it when you feed me knowing that is ridiculous of me….I go shopping and end up buying cookies instead of dinner….I forget about the boiling milk on the stove when I sit in front of the television….
I get angry and shout at the top of my voice not caring for your peace of mind…I get irritated and start eating chocolates foRgetting about diet…I get wild and break the glasses not realizing I will miss them once they are gone….I get hyper and try boxing you not accepting that I can never defeat you…I feel sad and cry on your shoulder not bothering you have something important to attend….I land in problem and keep hoping that you will come and save me regardless of the depth of it…..I don’t sleep thinking you will call up and sing a song for me…
I do things which makes you feel I’m worthless and stupid…..
But then, I run to you when you are in trouble…I never sleep when you cant sleep making your presentations…I don’t care about my nails and feed you when you are not well…. I don’t eat when you don’t get time to eat…. I cry when you feel helpless…. I stay awake when you have nightmares…. I try making dinner for you, when it is your special day…
I make you sleep on my lap when you look sad….I buy gifts for you with my pocket money….I travel to unknown places to get a glimpse of you….I go pray everyday for your safety….I love you despite of knowing that you don’t any more…I wait for the happy time to come…I wait for my dreams to be true….

I do things that don’t hold any importance in a practical life…I do things which make others believe I’m foolish and unreal…I do things which you don’t think anyone should think…I do things that make you feel I’m immature to the core….
But then, I have a heart that never see bad…I have a heart that cries for the smallest pain in anyone…I have a mind that never lets others fall in trouble…I have a mind that never thinks bad of others….

Yes, I’m a girl….With lots negatives…Less positives….But I’m pure at heart…I’m true at heart….I have a fresh mind…I have a true mind…..Yes, I’m a girl….And I’m proud of it…

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU............

Everybody talks about love these days....And why not.....Valentine's Month is running and so does the air get fragrant with LOVE..........And everyone, indifferent of their age are humming to the tune of love...Everybody is happy.....Everybody is content....and....Everybody is trying their best to make up for all the time they ignored the small happiness of their partner....And the success of all the effort comes alive, with the heartfelt smile on the lips of the person for whom all the efforts were planned.....


Well….there was a time, when this days meant so much for me….Only reason being I took the pleasure of making some stupid, idiotic but honest attempts to make my LOVE happy….Well, the truth is I might have really not known the real meaning of what that particular word meant….But all I could understand that I should do my best to make an effort to make up for all the time I made the other person cry, get angry and curse himself for choosing to be with me….


In making those attempts what I didn’t realize is that love is not about celebrating just a day of happiness and glossy feelings, but is about making small happiness possible each and every day…..What I didn’t realize is that love is all about making the other person feel that he has someone on whom he can trust even during his worst time….What I didn’t realize is love is all about handling things in a way to make them just incidents of life, not accidents….And by the time the realization of these simple facts started blooming in me, perhaps it was too late…..


Today when everybody is celebrating love, and I’m busy analyzing my way of understanding the same, then and now, I find myself at faults for most of the things…..I find myself to be an arrogant little brat, who just made others life impossible and who just knew nothing about doing anything for others…That might not probably be my fault entirely, as I was not even considered given a chance to change myself any day, but the story ends at the point when things go wrong, without a conclusion….And that remains a fact for always….


Today, I’m writing this to let all the people who ever loved me and bore all my arrogance till their last level of limit, that I was wrong in many ways….I was wrong in every way might be…But there is a fact you all should know, and that will always remain so…And that’s that, I still feel for you the way I always did..I still feel you are the best thing that ever could happen to me…… And I’m grateful to all the sources that it happened….


On this day of love, just wish wherever you are, just stay happy….Thanks for all the memories you gave me….Thanks for all the time you shared with me….And thanks for making me feel like a Princess…..And most importantly thanks for making me strong and a fighter for life....Wish, life brings you all the goodness and ushers you with the best in everything....Wish love finds you the best way possible, and most importantly stay beloved always.....


Happy Valentine's Day to you all..................


P.S. This is my last V Day note this season......Wish love find you all the lovely people there.....and stays with you for life long........

LOVE...AND A FLOATING THOUGHT.....

Love…the feeling that takes anyone to a different heights of emotion…the feeling that makes one see the world with different eyes…Love…the feeling that makes one stand tall in the midst of any calamity…the feeling that makes one stable in the midst of chaos….The feeling so pure….so true….so overwhelming….so exhilarating….and most importantly so encouraging….
Love doesn’t demand commitment, it teaches you that….Love doesn’t demand loyalty; it teaches you that….Love doesn’t demand anything…but it teaches you everything….Love makes you strong, love makes you inspired, love makes you overcome the anxieties of life….
People demand, love is situational; I say it is beyond any situations…if you cannot retain your love for someone just because you believe the situation is not right, you never loved that person…when you love, you love….you do not need to see what is stored next….And if your love change cuz you feel that, that is a demand of the circumstances, you are wrong…instead the truth is you never loved that person, rather, you thought you loved him/her. Cuz the truth is love never changes, love never dies and most importantly love never teaches you to betray the faith of the other person…
Loving someone is one of the most difficult experiences one could ever have…At times your hearts match, but minds do not….and you lead to have some of the silliest arguments in life….At other times you are led to have fictions over facts, so transparent and beyond honesty….At some other times you are so very compatible with each other that you get tired of not having any dissimilarity…..But the truth is, when you love, you love without really even getting bothered to criticize that person, and true love lies in that….
Everyone has their own limitations…each of us is born and brought up in a background and environment that is completely unique to others….And so does the mindsets that we develop…But despite of all these factors if you can love someone the way he or she is, that is love…And nothing can change that feeling…no matter what….No matter, even if you know that he or she is miles away from being the perfect person on earth…even if you know that he or she has every fault you can ever imagine…No matter even if that person gives you hell of a time at times…even if that person makes you feel like crusading him/her at times….or even if that person runs your patience dry on most of the occasions….At the end of the show, these facts don’t really matter…what matters is that you love him/her and that is beyond these mundane incidents and accidents of life.
If you promised someone to love him/her today, make sure that you do for your lifetime…Cuz, when you promise, you make a commitment for lifetime, and you never know, the other person might take that promise as his or her EVERYTHING….
So, this Valentine’s day, let’s make a wish….Lets wish, everyone on this earth find their soul mate to share their life with….Lets wish, no matter what, in every situation, LOVE WINS…Lets wish, no matter what nobody abandons nobody…Let’s wish, no matter what everybody keeps their promises made to the other person….Let’s wish, no matter what love doesn’t turn out to be a victim of circumstances….And most importantly, lets wish, love brings all the positive vibes to everyone’s life….and bless everyone to see the beauty it blends to everything in life….