A FRESH NEW MONSOON MORNING...

It's that time of the year when this southern city gets some of the most exotic showers... There would be continuous downpour with cold breeze across and this turns the atmosphere really pleasant... There would be a continuous wrap-around of a silvery layer around you, you would shiver if you're not in your thickest woollens, and every now-and-then you would crave for some warm coffee or soup... Yes, the city replicates the weather of a hill-station, and if you happen to skip the remembrance that you live not in one, and thus look outside your window casually you truly get the feel of living in one... It's mesmerizing, it's heart-warming and yes it's really blissful to live here in this pretty city... And, if you're a little different kind you can and would want to do so much more in the downpours... How??? Well, if you're the romantic kind, you can just stand in middle of your terrace, letting the silvery drops drench you; and after some time you would start dancing along with them, yeah the perfect dance in the rain (and if you have a partner equally romantic he can join you in the dance making you feel so much more special)... If you're the adventurous kind, you can take a ride through the rain on your bike, thus letting your machine rush against the force of the pouring and feel like a conquering hero (and if you can't drive don't worry, you can ride pillion and feel almost the same and even better)... If you're the poetic kind, you can make yourself a huge mug of coffee or hot chocolate, sit in the balcony watching and listening to the tapping of the drops and scribble down your random feelings on your notebook (well, these days on your tablet)... Or if you're just 'into yourself' kind, you can sit there in your balcony for, who cares, how long, enjoy your lazy sips and can just be lost in your own thoughts, thus making the most of being with yourself... So, the list of things you can do in this weather seems to be endless...

And, yes this endless possibilities is what makes me get excited every-time the city experiences a stormy rainy day... I end up getting into all of these 'kinds' depending on my mood that day... Someday I get romantic, some day adventurous, someday poetic and someday purely philosophical... But in whichever form I am, I enjoy the rains to the last bit...

It was one of these days when the rain started even before I was out of my bed, and kept raining all afternoon through the evening... Everything around was in its dreamy best, with chilly breeze making you shiver through your skin, and thus making you feel just so amazing... And there, it was me, tucked in a warm sweater below my overcoat (I think people think I'm crazy to wear over-coats even though it's not that cold here, at least it doesn't snow here, but then I like to stay safe you see), with my socks and boots on, with a huge take-away mug of cappuccino in hand, in my little car driven by my driver...I reached office, started working, took little breaks in between to enjoy the view through the glass-clad windows, ordered coffee every half an hour, sipped lazily throughout work, had a couple of skype meetings with still sipping my continuous supply of coffee, reached a point where I saw the clock display 7 pm, and thus almost ended the day... The rain was still pouring, and suddenly I realized I wanted to be in my adventurous self... So I bade good bye to my car and the driver, called up my best friend to summon him to appear near my office with bikes, and convinced him to take me on a ride through the rain... Well, my poor friend wasn't too happy with the idea as he knew I would certainly fall sick cuz of the cold, but then of course he had but no choice to get ready and come to take me through the continuously pouring rain...

Thus started my adventure in the rain... It was raining actually very crazy, and the sheer force of the pouring acted on the bike, but then the flashy and strong bike did its job really well to ride through the force... My friend must have been angry on me for making him get wet like this, but considering he's my best friend, it was justified... And as for me, it was a bliss... I was in my winter clothes, so the cold could hardly affect me, and the rain??? Well, that was the most amazing part of that ride... I loved every bit of the downpour... After a while I let go of my head-gear... The rain drenched my hair, the droplets started crawling through my neck, and the breeze got into my warm clothes... Ahh!!! Thrilling was the feel... Every time I get into the rain it just takes my breath away, it makes me melt with happiness and thus makes all my negative feelings wash away... Yes, this ride did the same too... The exhaust of my hectic work schedule got pleasantly washed off, and I was truly happy...

And suddenly then I witnessed the other side of the pretty shower... And yes, it wasn't as pretty as the shower itself, rather it had a completely contrasting story to tell me... Somehow my happiness looked very shallow in front of it, and yes, the rest of my ride was engulfed with the after-effect of this scene...

Well... This southern city is known to be one of the most expensive cities to live in India, and why not??? In the recent couple of decades the city has witnessed tremendous change in infrastructure, flashy up-market residential buildings, high-end retail spaces and thus large scale commuting media, a lot have been added to the ever-growing infrastructure everyday... But then amidst this, and like many other cities and societies across the globe here too exists a world which is a far cry from this developmental proofs, rather do we call them the unfortunate counter-part of all this bling??? Yes, this is what I witnessed during my adventurous trip on that crazy monsoon evening...

Since the downpour was continuous, the roads of the otherwise planned city was flooded... I could see 'road-blocked' signs on many streets and could see the water flowing across... However, what wasn't visible was the fact that this downpour was also washing away a lot of hopes and dreams of many thus changing their lives... What I wasn't able to see is that there were many thousand families and their kids living in those small hut-like (these huts are not like the ones we go to stay during our luxurious trips to wildlife and beaches) shapes, and the rain had washed them all away, thus making them rather homeless... I would not have noticed any of these, and thus would have continued with my exciting ride, wasn't it for those small kids next to a manicured nursery...

This nursery happens to come on the road which leads me home everyday... It was some acres of land with perfectly grown potted plants which are sold to decorate people's (of course the ones who can afford to buy them without looking at the price tags) homes, mostly apartments... The red roof of the nursery reaches out to the adjacent main road, thus there's about a foot of shade that protrudes out towards the road... As I passed by the nursery on that cold rainy evening, I saw some kids sitting under the shade in front of the locked gate... There was a baby too in a slightly grown up girl's arms... I glanced at them, stopped singing 'It's raining mannnn', and as I often do, started making reckless and not-so-thought-out remarks on the kids (like, 'Look, they're trying to steal plants on this rainy day', 'Oh God! Those awesome plants will be dead in these kids' hands', 'Don't these kids have better things to do than stealing plants on a rainy day', and many alikes of these, which make me shrink in shame now)... I was going on and on although I knew my friend was irritated to the core... And then there it was, he lost his patience, snapped at me, and told me something which made me quiet for a while... He told me these kids of course couldn't have anything better to do, cuz they come mostly from the huts next behind the nursery, and since it was flooded now so their homes must have got washed away... And while their parents (if they have any) must have been trying to collect all their belongings these kids were trying to save themselves from the destructive rain by taking shelter under the nursery shade...

Well, that was something I didn't need on that pretty evening when I was enjoying the bliss of being drenched in rain... But, it was true, it was happening in front of me and I could see getting drenched in that continuous rain wasn't even close to being a bliss for those kids, rather they were craving for some shelter, may be some warmth and maybe, I wish maybe, for some food too...

Before I could say anything, we were far away from the kids... My friend dropped me home, and I took a hot shower to get rid of the cold... I wasn't excited any more, not cuz I reached home and I wasn't in the rain anymore, but cuz my excitement stopped looking so glamorous to me... It's not that I didn't know about kids who didn't have homes, it's not that I didn't know of people whose houses had got washed away in rain and flood, it's not that I wasn't aware of these sides of a city-live. But then what disturbed me was the fact that I wasn't ready to witness these with my own eyes... Reading these on various media was heart-sinking, and witnessing it in front of my eyes was a devastating experience... The door bell rang, my friend was back to drop some yummy food and coffee for me, which would have brightened my world on an average day... But today I wasn't too keen on being happy anymore... The scene of those distressed kids kept replaying in my head... I told my friend about my pain, he listened carefully, and knowing I was too depressed to hold on to, told me that I could do something to change what I saw, at least I could contribute to do so... I knew I had to do this...

I searched on the web for people who work for underprivileged kids, and started going through various aspects of what they've been doing... I didn't know how much time had passed by while I was doing so, but when I decided that I was quite ready knowing what to do, it was 2 in the morning... I let out a sigh... In my hand was a list of people whom I was going to contact the next morning, trying to understand if I could be of any help in helping those kids who can't enjoy the rain cuz they know they wouldn't have a home to go back the next moment... It felt good...

I walked to the balcony of my house, the rain wasn't there any more... The coldness was far lesser than the evening too... I wished if I could know whether the kids I saw were able to sleep at all... I looked up to the sky, like the clouds sailing relentlessly my mind too kept wandering... Along with it I wondered, what if the rains were as joyous for all as it was for me... I whispered a 'Goodnight' to the sky, and waited for them to bring the sunlight the next morning... In my heart I was longing for a new beginning with the new morning... A fresh new monsoon morning...

A PENCIL, CHILDREN'S DAY... AND CHEERS TO NEVER GROWING UP...

So, I had lost my pen and the diary again... Yes, it’s turning out to be a cyclic process in my life... I buy a pair of diary and pen together, use it for a while, and even before half the pages of the diary gets exhausted and half the ink in the pen, I lose both of them; then I buy the next pair, lose them after a while; buy them again; and thus the process goes on and on... And, yes, you guessed it right, every time the fault is mine (no, I mean seriously)...
Well, I was extremely disgusted with myself this time, both for the diary and the pen... The diary, being one I use at work, had a lot of important notes and information that I keep needing often, and the pen was a moderately expensive one (which I certainly can’t afford to re-buy anytime soon), and thus the guilt was real bad... And, since I needed a pen to scribble all through the day, I decided to use a pencil instead... My work-place, being a creative agency, has a stock of pencils, coloured once, sketch-pencils and also the plain ones... I picked a simple HB pencil and decided that from now on this would be what I would do most of my scribbling down...

I managed to locate a pencil sharpner, and started shrarpening the pencil... But then as usual, I broke it instead... So I asked a colleague of mine to help me with the job, and he happily agreed.... We sat in the balcony attached to the office just next to some green orchid-plants, and he started sharpening the pencil with a blade... And, just then, yes then, suddenly I recalled those days from my childhood, when I used to sit with my Dita while he used to sharpen my school-pencils, fill ink in my pens, and hand me over my fully loaded pencil-box...

And, suddenly I realized, only the other day, which was ‘Children’s Day’, I had thought about all these past years that I have passed through to experience the current day... And, somehow, although I’m not a person living only in the past, yet I ended up walking down the memory lanes, to re-live many moments from the same... And, thus, now I realize, although with every passing day a part of the child in me grows up, a part still stays the same, a child still...
Yes, a lot have certainly changed since the time I knew I was growing up... Have passed through a lot of phases, have learnt and unlearnt a lot of things, have met and lost a lot of people, and most importantly have fallen in and out of a lot of emotions... But the growing up never stops... From the phase when preparing for the exams was the only difficult event in life to the phase when managing finances to day-to-day maintaining a house (however small it might be) all by myself too doesn’t look like a mammoth task, life, for a moment too, has never stopped... From the phase when the first red-rose just brightened up the whole world to the phase when all the bouquets went directly to the bin, life changed so fast... From the phase when a heart-break could seem like the end of life to a phase where even many heart-breaks didn’t even stop the casual retail-therapy, the pace of life was like a hurricane... From the time when the first pay-check made the world go round to the phase when pay-checks and cribbing turned parts of the same parcel, life never slowed down... And, along with all these phases neither does growing up ever bothered to slow down... So we grew up, rather really really fast...

But then, did I actually grow up??? I don’t think so... Every passing day certainly does add on to the number of days I’m existing on this earth, but it fails to make me grow up... The child in me is somehow too arrogant to get out of my system and let me grow up... Somehow the grown-up world looks way beyond complicated to me, for me to even take a liking on... And thus I still long to be a part of my small world that I had when I was considered a kid... The small frilly clothes that I wore, the short hair that I had, the black-beaded anklets around my tiny ankles, the colourful colouring books that I had, the fairy-tales that I believed in, and the 10 chapter school-books that looked never-ending to me then, each of these is what I long for... And, most importantly I long for those moments when I could sleep hugging my Momu, with one leg on her; I long for those relentless chatters to Dita over every event that had happened during the day; and I long for those lazy afternoons when me and my little brother fought over colouring books and pencils... And, each time I long for these I realize, I have certainly not grown up... Cuz, apparently the grown-up world is much more practical than that... You don’t cry over small priceless pleasures, you don’t bother to stick around your past, you move on continuously and you focus only on fulfilling your larger ambitions in life... If these are true, then of course I haven’t grown up, neither is there any signs of doing so in the near future...

I know, nobody in this world really does grow up ever... We do pass time and thus turn into an adult someday, and along with it tend to take on responsibilities that the societal norms allow us to... We go to college after school, learn things, and get into a professional life and dream of achieving the highest high someday, thinking that would certainly make us feel complete, and bring happiness... But then this is so not true... End of it all, everyone finds true joy in the minute details of everyday life, and not in the biggest achievements of any sort... Hence, the small bubbles on the coffee makes us feel better than the coffee itself, we don’t stop buying the tiny chocolates that we used to have during our kid-days, we prefer relishing on what our mums cook to an expensive meal at a 5-star, we still sift through the pages of the old albums, and we still upload the pictures from our childhood in our messy hair and tiny shorts... Yes, we never grow up... Nobody does... My Dita has never grown up, he still weeps every time I fall sick; my Momu never grew up, she still starts singing when she buys new shoes; my Bro never grew up, he still comes crawling to me to get me buy him t-shirts; my best friend never grew up, he still gets insecure when I don’t give him time; and yes, I never grew up, I still fail to understand the so-called real and thus grown-up world... Had any of us grown up, we would have much beyond these emotions, cuz we would have been free of any insecurities...

Suddenly I came back to reality on my colleague calling out my name... He hands me over the pencil with a perfectly sharpened tip, just like the ones my Dita used to get me... I smiled at him and thanked him... I don’t know for how long I was soaked in my own thoughts, contemplating on the negativities of growing up... But since I’m back now, I realize, yes, it’s so so so much better not to grow up, cuz being a child you can experience that what you can’t if you you grow up... And, that ‘that’ is the purity with which you view everything that’s exposed to you, that ‘that’ is the innocence with which you live your life, that ‘that’ is the un-conditional love that you have for everyone around you, and most importantly that ‘that’ is the carefree feeling that tells you that it’s alright if things are not right, right now, it would certainly be alright when we grow up...

Cheers to never growing up...

CHEERS TO PUPPY LOVE... IT MAKES THE WORLD SHINE...

It was raining the whole of the afternoon... To be precise the rain started way back in the morning, continued till noon, stopped for a while and started pouring again... The cool breeze with the almost continuous pouring has turned the environment into one amazing and dreamy one... And, it being an off day (yes, finally I’ve managed not to work on a Sunday) I preferred to stay in bed the whole of the morning... Yeah, yeah I wasted the beautiful morning, but it didn’t occur to me till this moment, and even though now it has, considering the amount of trauma that I have been going through the past quarter of the year, I completely deserve to do anything on this earth at any point of any day...

Well, coming back, after the long sleep, and the considerable amount of lazing around, my mind was completely fresh, and hence after a long warm shower, I made myself my much needed coffee... With the huge mug I came to the balcony, where the scattered raindrops in the wind welcomed me with a chilling lingering on my face... Yes, this is what I needed after all the continuous over work of the last few months... And, I was at peace... I pulled a chair to the edge of the balcony, sat with my legs stretched and started sipping on the steaming coffee... And, yeah, as usual I got into a mode of trance with indulgence (sounds familiar??? Yeah, that’s how I feel every time I look into the beauty of my surroundings and get happy for nothing, cuz for me these simple pleasures are the most craved and indulged moments of life, that can make me go completely insane with happiness)... And, yes... That’s when I witnessed something which I would found out to be one of the most delightful events in a very long period... And, this is what this write up of mine is about...

As I was looking out to the rain-washed surroundings (almost empty roads, less vehicles and hardly anyone at sight), and was turning amused by the prettiness of it, I caught glimpse of a teenage boy (preferably in his mid-teens) crossing the road in hurry... Through the silvery layer of the light drizzle I saw a bouquet of what I figured to be pink lilies in his hand... He crossed the road, turned towards the block where my house is and kept walking in the same speed as he was crossing the road... At the first thought, I was a little put off by the idiocracy of the boy, as it really did look foolish to carry flowers in hand and run in this drizzle, cuz it was in fact very cold outside... But then of course he was on a mission to accomplish I’m sure, and hence looked completely oblivious to what I thought or what I felt... Anyway, by now little curious, my eyes followed his moves, and kept looking at till the time I realized he was heading towards the girls’ hostel that’s at the end of my block... And, yes, my stalking eyes did follow him to the gate of the hostel, and waited there to see what would happen next...

The boy took out a phone from his pocket, dialled somebody and spoke for a minute... As he waited, I saw a girl coming out of the hostel with an orange umbrella in her hand, and stood next to the boy... They hugged for half a minute, the girl took the flower bouquet and the boy left after a couple of minutes... The girl went back inside... As my eyes still stayed on the boy, I saw him turning back once he was some steps away from the gate... The girl was standing on the balcony... They waved at each other, and in the next couple of minutes both of them got disappeared from my vision...
The whole thing happened really quickly... The drizzles were still on, and I was still watching it in my conscious mind... But, in my unconscious one, I was thinking about the teenagers I just saw... May be they’re friends or may be a couple... I wasn’t sure, but what I was sure of is the fact that they were in love... Cuz, the passion I just saw was nothing but pure and innocent love... May be it was some special day for them, or maybe it was just a simple occasion, or maybe there was no reason, but the boy took his chance to get flowers for the girl... And the continuous rain, cold or anything for that matter couldn’t stop him from doing so... Instead of preferring to stay back indoors and enjoy a hot soup or a mug of coffee, making the girl smile seemed more important to him... And, that’s how when the entire world was busy avoiding going out, all this little boy wanted to do was to see his sweetheart, for what, 5 minutes...

And suddenly I was amused... At the same time was thinking about my own teenage years... Life was so much simpler and was so pure were the thoughts and the feelings... And, yeah passion used to be at its best despite of all the odds... I remember those days, when we had gone through similar days too... From the little pocket money that we had got, we used to save for Valentine Day’s roses, or Friendship Day’s bands, or for gifts for those who had touched our hearts... Love was all about those small moments when holding hands used to be an event, hugs used to be the solution for all that seemed destructive, and yeah, just a text with ‘Don’t worry, I’m always with you’ meant the world... Love didn’t imply to expensive gifts and so called future-plans, all it meant was the priceless smiles on his/her face for reasons unknown, all it meant was the stolen stares in middle of a busy class, all it meant were the innocent glances in a crowd of friends, all it meant was the text on the mobile exactly when you missed that person, all it meant was the planning to go on the college trip with the difficultly saved pocket-money only so that you can spend more time with the one you had a crush on, yes, in short all it meant was those innocent feelings that were far and far away from all the complexities of life, all the practicalities of life, all the materialistic ambitions of life and more important than anything, far away from any manipulations... And, now, on today’s date, it’s certainly not the same anymore...

Yes, we’ve grown up, and thus have ‘in a convenient way’ turned matured in terms of the way we look at life... And that implies that we’ve learnt to see life in a much more practical way... And, yes that’s where my problem with the concept of ‘being matured’ sources from... Cuz, at the bottom of my heart I realize by turning matured I also have turned to be manipulative... The innocence that I had while looking at the world is not there in me anymore... And even if I would love to deny this, I honestly can’t... And why do I say so??? Cuz, at this ‘matured’ stage of my life, of course I wouldn’t fall in love with someone without analyzing certain things... Of course I wouldn’t fall in love for the sake of ‘love’ itself... Well, maybe I would, but the chances come down to 5% in the bigger picture... Cuz, now my love would revolve around many other factors along with love... Maybe I would want a secure future with the person, socially and financially, and maybe I’m not wrong if I do so... But then, the moment any other reason than only love is attached to the feeling, does it stay ‘love’ anymore??? Of course doesn’t... And, why only love??? For that matter any other relationship or feelings have got fringes attached to it these days... Nothing stays innocent, pure, and of course in its true state anymore...

The worst part of all that I’m feeling right now is the fact that, despite knowing all of it, despite knowing that I’m not being honest, I don’t want to change it... If I may say so, I certainly can, but I don’t want to... Cuz, at the end of the day, I don’t want to be a victim of my innocent feelings, thus sacrificing on anything that I wish to have... And, so I would definitely choose a mid path, where I’m safe, my feelings stay intact within myself, and yet all that I can be happy with (or seem to be happy with, or may be I assume I can be happy with) are in my access... Such is the desire to be happy, where knowingly or unknowingly I get willing to sacrifice the real source of happiness despite knowing it’s just a concept I’m making myself believe in...

Suddenly the cold wind messed up my hair, and along with it I came back to reality... My coffee had turned cold, and sprinkles of the drizzle had started sitting on the edges of the mug... Lazily I took a sip from the cold coffee... But my mind still kept lingering on the sight of the cute teenagers, and I knew it would keep doing so for some time more... Cuz, somehow I still want to be that care-free teenager like these two, who wouldn’t mind doing anything for the sake of feelings, emotions and at the same time be happy about it... Cuz, somehow I still believe in the innocence of feelings rather than being conscious about the practical implications of the same... Cuz, somehow I still believe the true happiness lies in chasing what’s right as per the heart says, and not as per what the brain says... Yes, I might sound foolish to the materialistic world, and even to myself, but this is true, and that what even my heart knows at its deep down true state...

As I finished the coffee, I smiled at myself, and wished we all stayed kids, and never grew up... Who says puppy love is kiddish, foolish and not true love??? If you ask me it’s the truest and the wisest form of love... Cuz, it doesn’t understand anything than love... It knows how to love without expecting anything back... It creates its own world where only love and emotions prevail, and nothing that’s complicated and manipulative... And, the best part, it knows how to make the other person’s life shine bright no matter what the real world is like... And, what could be better than that??? Cuz as opposed to the world of grown-ups where we’re not sure of the existence of anyone else than ourselves, if atleast a bunch of kids and teenagers happen to exist who think of other’s happiness, life would have anyways turned much prettier, and brighter on any given day...

Cheers to love, to the innocent, crazy but completely honest and true puppy love... It surely makes the world shine...

LONGING... FOR THOSE REASONS TO BE ALIVE...

Well, summer has already arrived in the city... And, somehow the unpleasant vibes created cuz of the heat have engulfed the once garden-a-city-and-now-a-concrete-jungle this southern space... You can’t step out of home without your sun-glasses, number of juice and water bottles turn uncountable on your desk, and you stay energy-deprived till dusk... To add on a rotten cherry on top of this unpleasantness of mine, I've got to deal with a job that leaves me with no time to even think that I need to crib... Yeah, apart from my glorious trips to every coffee shop down the corner to pick up some quick coffee, and the occasional trips to the grocery stores to pick those dozens of melon and aloe vera juices, I've given up on shopping, chilling, and merry-making... So much so that, these days all I eat is home cooked dal and two spoons of plain rice... Well, let’s not talk more on that, I mean, that is absolutely not the reason why I'm scribbling today... It's been really long, that I haven't put any of my thoughts down, and apparently that's cuz I'm turning into a complete non-driven character, blame it on my laziness or blame it on my job or blame it on my pathetic habits of ignoring a million interesting things around...

Nonetheless, it's my birthday week, and that gives me enough reason to at least scribble something, if not for anything else, for the plain reason that before I complete a-quarter-century of my life, I need to have a small scale evaluation of my life so far... And, yeah, it turned out that, I did a good thing by deciding to do so, cuz, I realize, it's high time I got back on track to realize that, no matter how happy or sad I seem, I'm actually missing out on a lot in life, and yeah, that makes me deprived of a million things that I should be doing right now, or be having right now...

Coming back, over the weekend I decided I would get myself some time in a lonely corner of any coffee shop in the town, and would start scribbling down my thoughts... And, the thought of having a longer than usual weekend made me twice the happier to stick to the plan... However, practically that was more like a day dream to me, as it turned out on Friday morning that, I would spend the weekend working... And, well, I realized that I would again end up not putting down even a single letter of my planned blog-update...

And, from then on, I've been constantly looking for a handful of minutes to make my plan take shape... And, in that endeavour I realized that actually there's a restless inside me to do so... Although I was li'l vague about the reason behind initially, as and when minutes turned to hours, I realized why... There's always this thing in me that makes me adjust to things without cribbing much, till a point that's the highest of all my tolerance level... And, the moment it crosses that I start getting suffocated... And, yeah, that's what's happening with me in this event too...

And, then I decided, no matter how my today turns out to be, I would definitely find some time for myself today... And, thus, I'm sitting in this coffee shop now, taking out my frustration by scribbling down on my blackeberry with my perfectly manicured nails and without bothering they might break...Well, as usual, it was a pathetically hectic day today too... Had started the day so early that at this point in time I hardly remember it was today itself, and not yesterday... And, only when I get my credit card bills I would know exactly how many mugs of coffee I've gulped down during the day... Yeah, that's how I survive these days... Totally in trance, cuz of heavy dose of coffee... Nonetheless, I don't mind, cuz end of the day I get a sense of satisfaction for what I'm doing, yeah, unlikely to say, but I love my job...

As I ordered a mug of strong coffee, along with a chocolate dipped pastry, I let myself sink in the couch, and also in my thought... I felt a li'l better... It's been really long since I last sat like this... I remembered the days when I was in college... Over-priced coffee wasn't something me and my friends used to indulge in on a daily basis, but then every time we had gone to sip on some, we used to make sure that that stayed as a memorable event... Not cuz of the coffee, cake and the paraphernalia, but cuz of the floating laughters, cuz of the endless conversations, and cuz of the small happiness of coming to a place like this coming true... But then, those days are over... And now, even though these are places that I (and for that matter a millions like me) visit as a norm, where's the overflowing happiness??? In fact, there's no excitement in anything I do these days, cuz, the thing that's lacking in my life at this moment is the habit of enjoying the small moments of happiness, with the people I love and I care for...

Yeah, there was a time, when no matter how difficult life was, I used to smile always, with a content heart... I was small, hardly knew the complexities of life... Those days in college, the small pocket money used to be something I used to be waiting for from the middle of the month... It was a small amount, but used to bring mountains of happiness... After clearing monthly rent, keeping aside a li'l for travelling to college and back, and doing the li'l grocery shopping for the month, I used to count the money left, to plan for the most-awaited visits to the amazing (and pathetically expensive) food places, and coffee shops... Those visits used to be very limited in numbers, but the happiness that each of those events used to bring saw no limits... And yeah, the loaded memories that used to get piled up from each such day had only one thing to say, that, life was full of happiness, and certainly lively...

And there's today's day... When, those moments of happiness have turned into rare commodity... In midst of running from office to office with a prospective of climbing up the ladder in so called career, these moments of simple bliss have gone into becoming rarity... No doubt, from a distance this is the life I was dreaming back then in college... A well-paid job, a good place to work, and all the luxury of strolling in the expensive outlets of the city... But then, now I realize in midst of fulfilling all those dreams, I’ve turned into someone who doesn’t find a moment to indulge in what actually is called happiness... Not that I hate my life... In fact I’m extremely passionate about my life and each day of what it brings to me... And, everyone else around me feels so too, that I’m happy and content in my life... Not that I’m not... But then there’s always a longing inside me for the simple pleasures of life and the joy from meaningless million things... Cuz, somehow I believe in the concept that happiness and joy that come from these sources are the purest... And, somehow when I realize that I’m not happy in that way, it leaves me to wonder if I’m still alive...

I remember those days in college, when we used to plan for sudden trips on the highway... And, so do remember those multiple stop-overs by the roadside tea stalls on the long non-ending highway... And then, there were those economic trips to the close by tourist places on Friendship Day, Valentine’s Day and birthdays... Those were fun times... Away from the load of college texts, and from the extreme busy-ness of the city, those were our own time of freedom... Who could touch our happiness then??? We were free birds, waiting for the open sky... Yeah, there were stress-phases too... Exams, assignments, always short-on-cash wallets, pending gifts to best friends, budget shopping for V-days, last moment trips to book-stores, and more... But, each of these occasions used to be eventful... No matter whether we struggled, or were in stress, somehow the jest for life was never less... There was always a bunch of rays of endless hope to say that life is so alive... And, certainly happy...

I can’t really find a reason behind why I happen to gather restlessness over my life that I lead today, neither can I make myself understand why in the first place I need to consider myself deprived of real happiness... Nor can I find an answer to end my restlessness of all sorts... And, as I go deep down finding the root of all these, I vaguely realize, maybe somewhere deep down inside me lives a child that refuses to turn complex, refuses to understand that chaos is a part of life now, refuses to get carried away by the so-called norms of leading a successful life... Then I look at my parents, and realize there are reasons why I feel so... They, unlike many others, refused to get carried away by the glamour of material life and still believe that happiness and other truths of life come only from simplicity... And, in reality, that’s such a fruitful concept... If I look at them I realize, they’re happy and completely content... The race for keeping upto the world could never make them run so fast that it brings exhaust... They take their own pace to be where they’ve decided for themselves... They don’t consider the social norms that restrict them to not explore the path of real happiness; neither they care about how others perceive them as... What matters to them is the fact that they want a peaceful and truly happy life... And, they’re surely successful in what they wish ‘success’ to define as...

Yeah, on the contrary, in the effort to make something big in life (that’s how we, the generation of ours define it), I’ve got so stuck in making the bigger picture that in that process, I’ve lost out on realizing that the smaller bits need to be taken care of first, to make the bigger one look eclectic... Maybe, I’ve started losing out on the vision that says the fun in any journey is not the destination, but the journey itself... Or maybe, I’m starting to stop being myself... Or maybe, it’s my plain failure to see the beauty of my everyday life, cuz maybe all I’m being used to doing is running after a mirage of happiness, which actually is a false rendition of my expectations...

The sudden laughter from a group of young girls across me brought me back to reality... I hadn’t realized that my coffee was over, and the pastry untouched... I quickly started to pick up a piece from it... But then, back in mind, I was still loitering in the world of randomness, of random thoughts... And, I knew I would still be there for some more time... But somehow I felt a li’l relaxed, cuz i also realized that maybe I’m starting to know what’s been eating me up all these days... Maybe I’m giving more importance to the everyday chaos rather than trying to find a reason to smile in middle of it, like I used to do when I was not so grown-up...

Suddenly, I realized, before I start the second-quarter-century of my life, I need to come to a conclusion that leads me away from the chaotic restlessness of my life... And, somehow I’m determined now, that, no matter what, I would make a way to reach to the freedom that doesn’t get me obliged to stay loyal to an expectation of a larger life... Rather, I would re-learn the art of finding peace in all that is true, real and ethereal... I would again smile staring at the moon there, find some time to wander on the deserted walkway, find glory in living without expectation, find reasons to laugh without a motive, and most importantly find reasons to be happy always...

In a word, I would find a million reasons to be alive...