CHANGLI MUMBAI...AAMCHI MUMBAI...

From my diary: Sunday, 30th Oct, 2011
Well, my packing is done, I can see all my packed red bags from my bed too...Yes, just a few hours left for me in this city...It's time I look back and see what the city made me go through...It's also the time to open up my heart to the ones who made a difference in my life in the city...

Mumbai...The city where I had landed up, completely because of some strange twists in life, because of some unknown coincidences and most importantly because I was destined to...And barring few not-so-happy mismatches, the city offered me much more than I had thought while landing up for the first time...It showed me many many more facets of life than I had seen in my entire life...It had made me aware of much more depth of being alive than I could have ever realized...It had made me witness many many more incidents and accidents than my mind can ever store...And most importantly, it had made me learn to face life in a much more maturity than I could ever imagine...Yes, it has also made me shed much much much more tears than I had ever done in my life, but we would not talk about that, because end of the day, every wiped off teardrop makes one lesser for the future...So, it's alright to shed some, as long as you learn to wipe them off...And, most positively, I've learnt to...So have no complaints...

The very first time when I had visited Mumbai I was kind of lost in the hustles and bustles of the city...Coming from a city which sleeps early and where laid back is the most common attitude, Mumbai seemed a fast running local train to me...It took little time for me to digest the fact that everybody here runs at a speed which takes little effort to match up, atleast for the likes of me...And this effort brings an overpowering energy to those who try to really keep up to the speed that he wants to run with...The city truly never sleeps, as everybody says, and also never lets you lose your dream...No doubt people call it the city of dreams...And if you take a closer look, the city has something that you don't find anywhere else...And that is the vibe that makes you discover your own self...And this is something I will love Mumbai for...

Well, life in Mumbai is an eclectic mix of experiences...Some in bits, some in pieces, and also some in huge slices...Also, some comes like the cherry on the top of a sumptuous cake...But, each of these brings a completely different view to life, and that surely leaves one in positive vibes, also occupied, to relish the beauty of life..Somebody had someday told me. Mumbai brings energy to your soul, and I completely agree to it...Mumbai lets you explore your own soul and thereby makes you witness the inner aura of yourself, leading to rediscovering your strengths...Mumbai does so much justice to your persuation of dreams....It reveals so many facets of a single life and thus lets you pick the one you are most comfortable with...

In a true meaning, I never explored the real vibes of the city...I always kept myself away from the little pleasures of enjoying the city like a true Mumbaikar does...My sad phobias towards a bundle of things fueled this up...Couldn't do some real travelling in local trains (which was a sheer amazement for me when I first experienced local trains), couldn't ever go and sit by the sea side in the evenings and lose myself in the coastal vibes, never really tasted the widely talked about strretfoods, couldn't indulge in street shopping in Colaba and most unfortunately failed to explore Mumbai aimlessly on an off day or on a late night...But then, what I did in this city is something I will cherish all my life...

A set of things came on my way in this city, which makes so much sense in my life...When I came to this place I knew what I wanted...And that was only one person...My whole story in Mumbai revolved around that person and apart from that I had nothing in my sight...I needed everything from that person, all the love, all the care, all the attention and life meant only that...But apparently, one day woke up with the realization that it was not going to be the way I wanted...That person was already miles away from me and me being all alone in this unknown city was the only truth in my life..And by the time I was ready with my next move I was convinced with a fact that it's time my self search started...I was in a stage where I needed to realize what I wanted from life and what could make me happy to be me...Well, I always knew what I wanted to do in my life (at least for my own sake), but never had the courage to say nothing to the ones who had wanted a different meaning in my life..And, strangely enough this time. I had the courage to give my interest a shot...Finally, got into a job, very close to my interest and one fine morning discovered that, yes I was in love with what I was doing...Well, it didn't seem so easy, when practicality stroke, but it did make me go through a roller coaster ride...And, this ride was no less than a journey of a lifetime...It brought few people in my life, whom I could look upto, who made me realize my strengths, who constantly made me feel that I was loved and supported, and whom I will treasure all my life...And, I will thank Mumbai all my life for this...

Mumbai teaches you things no other place can do...Every morning is a new one, cuz it brings something new on your plate...Every cab ride makes you witness something unique on the road, every signal shows you an all new facet of life, and everyone you come across has a story to tell...You think I'm exaggerating...Hell, no...I witnessed an all new incident and accident in the 5 minutes ride to office every morning...If I come across an arrogant teenager fighting with her mom in a BMW one morning, I see one with a little kid by her side begging, the next morning...If I get a ride by a driver who politely gives back your change till the last 50 paise one morning, the next I land up in someone's cab who starts abusing you for not carrying change and ends up keeping your 8 bucks cuz you couldn't give 2 rupees change..If I meet an old aunty in her 60s buying a Valentine's Day card for her husband, I also happen to meet young couples in the coffee shops fighting constantly without bithering about people hearing them...If I find myself sitting in a corner of the same coffee shop, all alone with half of the items on the menu on my table, I also see gang of friends chatting, giggling and having a time of pure pleasure over their shared coffee and sandwiches....What a mix of experiences this city makes happen to your life...And, the best part of all of it is, you start to realize you are alive...

Good, bad, ugly and mesmerising...Yes I had all kinds if experience in Mumbai...On one hand, this city made me a stronger person, on the other it hit my confidence and brought it down...Learnt to fight back every blow on my face, but also learnt that crticism is such a part and percel of life...While I always liked to just get into a cab and roam in the old Mumbai, it always put me off when few lost souls threw unnecessary attention everytime I was out...Now, that is bad...But, nonetheless, nothing major sadness happened, and I didn't have to use my taekwondo skills anywhere...So, I have no serious complaints...

I think, talking about Mumbai and not discussing monsoon, well that's a complete sin...The beautiful showers here are some of the best experiences one can go through...Late May, or early June, when the first downpour wets the soil, you experience complete fantasy...The muddy smell soothes your nasals, the silvery droplets caress your body and the soft coolness just gets into your nerves...You see only dreams, you experience only dreams and your world turns into one dreamland...And if you are little expressive, thoughts overpour into your head, and if you put them down, trust me you can be a lyricist...You get inspired to fall in love, with the ones you already love, with the ones around you, with things lifeless and with things you have never even seen...In a word, your life changes, in a fairytale way, with love being your life, and hatred being something you've never known...And, you forget the bad, forgive the guilty and renew your life...Such purity and soulful inspiration monsoon brings to Mumbai...Well, you do face problems pouring on your way, like the continuous downpours, but once you are out there getting drenched in the rain, all your complaints, irritation, and gloomyness just get washed off...And, if you can dance in the rain, well, you need to experience it, you can trust me on this one...

Can I ever finish talking about Mumbai...Never...So, here I wind up...But not before revealing the reasons, why I fell for the city so deep...First, it's the fact that in Mumbai, I got to know what I'm going to be in my life...Well, this bit is still better not revealed, but I know someday I will do what I'm meant to...Second, it's few people whom I got to know in this place...Some people whom I always thought I knew, but turned out to be strangers...And, some people, I met new, but ended up being someone, I have placed at the bottom of my heart...Somehow, I give myself a pat on my back, for choosing to set of this journey, otherwise I might not have witnessed what I did, otherwise...And, I will love Mumbai for this one, always...

My bags are packed, and as the morning comes I'll set of...But, along with my luggage, I will also carry a new world with me...A world, I created in Mumbai, all alone, with few people I will love all my life...I didn't do extraordinary things here, but learnt to find happiness in ordinary things...Didn't accomplish anything highly recomendable, but recognized what I'm meant to accomplish...Didn't achieve big stars, but figured out what does it take to achieve real peace in life...And, most importantly, I will remember Mumbai for being a real fairytale for me with its eclectic mix of uncertain, astonishing but amazingly pleasant facets...

Well, truly Mumbai changli ahe...Aamchi Mumbai it is and will be for me...Always...

LET'S MAKE A WISH THIS DIWALI...

From my Diary: Thursday, Oct 27th, 2011
As I pass by the lightened up city streets, a sense of pure magic sets in my nerves...It's after a really long time that I've seen the nocturnal beauty of this city...Mumbai really looks lovely at night, and when it's Diwali, undoubtedly the level of this beuty is multiplied...And, witnessing these endless lights in red, blue, yellow, purple and all other possible shades, my heart fills with endless joy...Well, as always (everytime I'm happy) endless thoughts are pouring into my mind, and I've opened the word application on my handphone to type down those (which I always do)...

As I start with my flowery poetries focusing on the lights, I realize my cab is stuck in the trafic...Traffic in Mumbai can't get more insane than anywhere else in India...But, surprisingly enough today it's really less as compared to a normal day, and probably that's why I have realized only now that I'm in traffic...As I look up and then outside through the cab, I realize, this is a slum area...It's not exactly slum, but under the flyovers, these guys have made their temporary (or permanant) huts with thick sack like materials...As I get really irritated with the fact that my cab didn't get any better place than this one (truly speaking these slum areas make me get scared, for some unknown reasons) and try closing the window, I catch sight of one of these huts in a closer way...There are 5 to 6 small kids in the hut, all below ten years of age...Before I could see if they were alone in the hut, the signal gets cleared and my cab leaves the place...But, I realize I have left my eyes and mind back at that place (and I do it so often with any incident)...I also realize, the picture of those malnurished kids, on a sack, in poor lights will haunt me, atleast for next few hours and at some point, will make me shed a drop or two of my tears...

They say, every brightness has a side that is totally dark...And, after seeing those little kids, I realize I can't agree more on this...In the same city (or should I say, on the same street), millions of lights are shouting out the happiness, joy and pride of prosperity, and on the other hand, innocent kids are lying on rough sack in almost darkness...Nor that, anyone can directly be blamed for this, but somewhere somehow (and probably long long ago) something had terribly gone wrong, and that has led to this extreme inequality in the lives of us...And, sad truth is that, however and as much as we want to deny, this inequality doesn't make anyone happy...We might decide to ignore noticing the poors on the streets (because that is so much safer than feeling guilty of having them around), but deep down, we feel sad for them...Their hungry eyes surely make us try helping them find ways to earn an extra rupee, but we genuinly avoid it, because end of the day, we know we cannot do much for them, because we have our own battles to fight...It's really so helpless of a situation...At this moment, I feel the same...While enjoying the brightness of the lights seem so indulging, I'm not able to make myself ignore the thousand dark moments that those little kids have already witnessed and will witness in their little lives...

I close my eyes for a while...And, pray in silence...Suddenly, I feel lighter...I realize, if not anything else, we can pray...Pray for millions of those kids who can't really manage to enjoy the lights around...I remember myself reading somewhere, that when you pray, some kind of energy is generated, because at that point, all of your attention is concentrated on the prayer you say...And when you pray in a group, a group of individual energy is generated, and if everyone is praying for the same thing, all of this energy is accumulated in favour of the cause, and thus the prayers come true...It might be only a logical definition, but, at the end of the day, faith does work...So, here goes a little request to all of you reading this write up...

Let's take out a moment from our busy schedule of indulgence and happiness, let's pause for a moment while enjoying the endless goodness we are ushered with, and let's make a wish...A wish for the ones, who are deprived of anything close to what we enjoy, who are cruelly cheated on by luck, who are mourning victims of the badness that this world has to offer....Yes, let's pray for all of them...For them, to be blessed with atleast some rays of these million lights...To be ushered with atleast some bites of the indulgence of this festive spirit...To be engaged with atleast few drops of the endless joy we experiencing...To be enlightened with few glimpse of their own hearty smiles...And, to be showered with the ecstatic feeling that, they also belong to this world, with a priceless gift from God, called 'Life'...

Yes, as we witness thousands firworks lighting up the sky, as we savour the scrumptuous delicacies flavoured with the festive touch, as we enter in a magical world with thousand lighted lamps around, as we keep our faith alive of good winning over bad, and as we celebrate the festival of hope, Diwali, let's also wish for all...To be ushered with all the happiness, love and prosperity... Let's wish, everyone out there gets the priceless opportunity, to see the light, and to create memories that they can treasure for life...With million moments of pure love, affection and warmth...

'Left or right', the cab driver asks me, which makes me stop writing, and look up...I realize, I have almost reached...I ask him to stop the cab in front of my building...As I pay him his dues, he wishes me 'Happy Diwali Ma'am'...I kind of get surprised...Some people really know how to make others smile...'Happy Diwali to you too', I wish him back...

As I walk up the stairs, I realise, I haven't carried the mental picture of those little kids home...Because, I have sketched it in my word doc...And, here I go with uploading it on my social networking page...With a hope, that you all will agree to make a wish...A wish for millions of those mourning souls, down every lightened up street in the city...

Happy Diwali to you all....

THAT LI'L KID, HIS DAD AND SOME PLAIN LUCK...

Uff...Finally I was relieved...The horrible fever that had stuck itself to my harmless tiny body was giving me enough pain for me to start hating it...Top of that hospital, doctor, blood check up, medicines, diet restriction and blah blah blah...Altogether, I was in almost a frustrating mode...And, yeah, how can I forget my own people's continuous rings on my phone and also their mournings over my illness...Well, these mournings actually made me feel that it's thousand time better not to witness my own sickness, at least for the sake of the ones who care for me as if I'm a little kid...Really, ufff...

As the afternoon started, and as I realised I was little better I decided to take myself out for a walk...Sleeping almost 40 hrs in the stuffed room had made me feel suffocated to the core, and I was really in need of some fresh air, and not to mention some warm coffee (actually chilled, but owing to my pathetically infected throat, hot cuppacino was all I could afford)...I convinced my roommate and aunty to let me go for a walk (of course after making thousand promises including the one not to have anything cold and of course junks) and finally I was out of my place...

Within fifteen minutes of a slow and indulging walk in the afternoon shade, I picked up my coffee, packed few choco cookies (purely out of frustration of not able to taste anything with my fever struck tongue) and greedily stared at all the chilled coffees the coffee shop guys were placing on the tables...I cancelled my plan of sitting down in the coffee shop and decided it would be best if I left right then, cuz, knowing myself well, I knew that if I stayed back, in next ten minutes I would order a chilled coffee too, and would end up gulping it down, and by evening I would again be attacked by my idiotic fever...I got all my things parcelled and walked out of the place...And of course, all the while cursing my feverish self...

As I walked towards home, decided to stay outside a little longer...The weather was fine, if not really pleasant, and the fresh air had really made me feel good...Also, Diwali decoration had made the entire colony look just amazing...Colourful little bulbs were hanging from all around, Chinese design inspired red lights were royally staring from all across and it was very obvious for one to imagine that once the afternoon turns into evening, the place would look no less than a fairyland...I was really happy, and decided to sit down at the corner of the long staircases of the private bank and finish my coffee...The place I chose to sit down was one such that I could see the entire street, including the small huts that existed by the under constructed 15 storey building, which lot of people said, was going to be a super luxury shopping mall and also high end residential blocks...Well, by then I would be gone from this place, I told myself as I shifted my attention from the building and it's sky high net covered skeleton...

As my soul started getting soaked in the beautiful afternoon, I saw a little boy coming and sitting few steps away from my feet...He had an old ludo board in his hand, and as he placed it next to him, I wondered what he intended to do next...Well, he sat quietly for a while, stared at me and my phone a couple of times and then again kept things to himself...I kept sipping my coffee and as I did, kept typing relentlessly on my phone (well, that's one habbit I can't get rid off, typing things that comes to my mind every now and then)...Didn't know how much time had passed, but as I looked up after finishing with my typing, I found the little guy again staring at me...

This time, irritated, I called him, 'Hey, come here...What's your name?' 'Bittu', he said in a softer voice than I expected...That made my suddenly rising temperature come down...In a much better and softer way I asked again, 'Why you staring at me? It's bad to stare at strangers na'...Keeping his gaze fixed to the floor, he said, 'I just wanted to ask you if you want to play with me...I have no friends to play with you see'...If this had come from an older guy, he would have definitely got a dose of my kicks, but coming from a little kid (of hardly 6 or 7), it made me feel really bad...I asked him why he didn't have friends...And next ten minutes, I knew the story of a little kid, with a past that still haunted his presence and with a future that would never be the way it was supposed to be (or atleast that is what happens in our country, unless and until there happens some miracle)...

This little kid, Bittu had never seen his dad...When he was 2 years old his dad died in some accidents, which his mom never explained excatly to him...His mom worked as a maid, to 5 households, and that made her run from one place to another everyday...She worked hard and had plans like any oher mom, of making Bittu a big man one day...And, Bittu, as much as a little kid he was, seemed to understand his mom and her dreams completely...He did all his home work alone, after school hours never went out with friends to play and never nagged his mom for anything, not even for her time...His mom always told him to go out, play and brought him everything she could afford, and Bittu told me, it always hurt him, for his mom spending all the money she hard-earned, on him...'I don't need so many things na Didi, but mom gives me so much'...I stared with beyond amazement, at this little kid, at this age he talked like someone with a life long experience...And that made me wonder about millions of those kids (sadly, including me), who had guiltlessly taken all the advantages from their parents, and still not being content...

I looked back down the time lane, and saw myself at Bittu's age...At 6, I was one of the most difficult kids, well, atleast my entire clan still says so...Pampered by all, and unofficially crowned as Dad's Princess, everybody had a tough time dealing with me...Cribbing (in my own dignified way), nagging (in my own style of silence) and demanding (with a no-word-and-a-sweet-smile) were my shadows, and strangely enough I was lucky enough to have everybody around me doing their bit for my smile...Such a bad kid I was...Thanks to God, in the later years, I tried learning to be better, and thanks to my loved ones, I'm a much better person now...Well, I'm so sure that there exist at least a million like me, who have never had to face something like this little kid Bittu, at age 6...I'm so sure there are millions of us who have never seen actual struggle and tough times...Yes, I know, there are also thousands like Bittu, who have never had the luxury of actually being a child and enjoying the innocent childhood joys, are deprived of enjoying the best gift of childhood, that is his parents' true company...

Yes, the most startling statement by this kid was something to do about his parents' company...He told me, he always felt sad that his mom cared for him way too much...But, he felt sadder, for the fact that he could never tell his mom that his actual happiness lied in her company, rather than the toy car that she bought him...'I know, she has to work...I know she works for me...But, you see, I miss her...I miss my dad too...I have never seen him, but so many times I have dreamt of him...Me sleeping between him and mom...But, you see, I don't have a dad...And, that's a fact...So as much as I dream, in real I will always have to sleep alone'...Bittu said...Well, it was one of those rare afternoons and rare conversations, when I had few words to say in return...I had no way to tell this little kid things which can match upto his depth of thinking and intelligence...But, kids are kids, for, he said again, 'I like those days when I'm not well...Mom comes home early, and sits next to my bed and strokes my hair...She makes me sleep in her lap...But, being sick for too long is also bad, she starts crying and all...But, I really like to fall sick once in a while, for mom to come home early and sit with me'...

The whole sudden incident of meeting this little kid, knowing his story and realizing the same was real heavy on me...At least after my two days long medical torture, I was not in a situation to really digest it...I decided to lighten things a little...I opened the choco cookies and handed couple of them to him...I guess, by now this innocent soul had considered me as his friend...So he took the cookies...We munched them together...At a point we finished them...As I threw the box to the dustbin, I asked him, where did he live...He pointed to the back of the bank, only then I realized that these stairs were his everyday waiting place, for his mom to return...I said someday I will come and meet his mom, and said bye to him as I started walking towards home in the narrow lane...

The lights were turned on by then...They had made the place look really heavenly...I looked back, Bittu was still sitting in the same place...I felt a sudden pang in my stomach...A little kid, of mere 6, waiting for his only parent to come back home...A little soul who longed for little pampering from his parents...A unlucky little life, whose misfotune took his dad away from him and also kept him away from his mom's caring arms cuz, she has to make sure that he survived...And, someone, who would have to grow up this way, would be a teenager one day, a young boy one day and a matured man one day, yet would never realize what it is to have a caring and pampering dad around...What it is to chat with mom, over dinner, what it is to have small arguements with mom with him and dad being one team, and also the other way around, what it is to have a complete family...Cuz, fate had really played hard on this innocent boy, first taking his dad away from him, and second making his mom fighting for both of their survival...And, I knew, Bittu is not the only one in this world to have such a fate...The thought of realizing the count scared me...To the core...And I pushed these thoughts away...

I dialled my dad's no...Him, being the one person in my life, whose single word makes my fear vanish, is whom I call when I'm in a situation that makes me sweat...'Yeah Aaimy (my dad calls me that), you feeling better na, I thought you're sleeping, so didn't call baby', dad said with a worried tone, as he picked up my call...As I said I was fine and was taking a walk outside, he seemed relieved...I was relieved too, talking to him anyday made me a stronger person, but today, it really made me feel how lucky I was to have him in my life...As he was keeping down the phone after ten minutes, I said, suddenly, and abruptly, 'Dita, I love you, and I miss you...All the time'...My dad might have surely thought, medicines had made me go into trance, turning me real emotional...But, he wouldn't know, I had really meant those words...More than anything I had ever said in my life to anyone...

ALEPH...REVOLUTION 2020...AND A PAGE FROM MY DIARY...

From my Diary: Monday, Oct 17th, 2011
Last night I didn't sleep...Well, I couldn't sleep...Reason is positive...Had started reading two books simultaneously, and was so engrossed into them that had no option but to finish reading them at a go...Started the morning with Aleph, by Paulo Cohelho, and by noon started with Revolution 2020 by Chetan Bhagat (well, hadn't even finished Aleph by then)...On a normal day, I do not start 2 books together, nor do I half read a book and jump to the next...But this time somehow (probably to break the monotony of serious reading) ended up taking both the books at a time, and read them turn by turn...And much to my surprise, I did do a sensible thing...Well, a manyfold sensibilty, but I'm not going to be a critic and discuss content, language and soul of both the books, as that is not something I ever like to do on a normal day (which is criticizing others)...Even though my personal favourite stands Aleph, well, both the books had their own merits and demerits...While Chetan's book is a mass appealing one (credit to the Indianness in the base, or should I say the soul of a typical-Indian-small-town mentality of looking at things) that makes an instant connect with the target audience, Aleph is a book on finding reality by looking at bizzare fantasy (which most people don't like to consider can happen in real life)...And, most obviously, each of this books will be loved by two completely different groups...Well, this is not what has made me scribble my experience with these books...The reason persuaded me to relive my reading till this evening is the fact that it had left me in middle of a very unique feel last night, which I had thought I would never experience, again...

Well, coming back to last night, I had kept reading both the books (simultaneously, turn by turn) till late, and by the time I finished them, it was 5 in the morning...Of course it being a Sunday, I had less to worry about and so decided to go to the kitchen to make myself a coffee...As I sipped on the favourite beverage of mine, I realized I hadn't really come back from the spot of the books...The characters were still hovering inside my mind, the feelings that the characters had gone through have transferred into me, the tears that the characters had shed were flowing from my eyes and the confusions that the characters had suffered from had engulfed me too...I let myself lean on the kitchen wall as my eyes cried two rivers...I didn't know why, but yes, I was thinking about myself in a very different way at that very moment...And of course, there were reasons why I felt so, and you guessed it right, both the books are what behind these reasons...

The story in Chetan's book had taken me back to those days when I was going through a major heartbreak and nowhere to go...Almost 5 years in a relationship and then one day waking up to realize that what you thought to be the most beautiful chapter of your life was just a big flowery lie...Yes, it was like the bites of the black poisonous ant that makes you numb for a period...And most conveniently the other person whom you had let to rule you heart (and who turned out to be the one buldozing the same) had justified his reason of drifting away from his earlier promises...'Priorities change' was the most frequently used line and 'Please move on' seemed to be the most pleading line (of course he didn't care if I would want to, as he already did) and 'Do-what-you-want-to-except-sticking-to-me' was the meaning every sentence of his refered to...Despite my teary pleading (or should I call it begging), despite my efort to make up things (well, I agree, I was a terrible one in that) and despite my reasoning why the relationship should continue (I think I was a bad one in reasoning too), nothing really helped him change his mind...Well, at a point I had given up...It wasn't that easy either...Lot of shouting, weeping, threatening followed...And so followed a lot of prayers to the unseen power above (I'm sure He might have almost given up listening to the same set of prayer everyday)...And one fine morning, rather early morning, like the one yesterday, I had decided that enough was enough...Torturing myself for someone who really cared none for my tears was just a waste of energy and effort...That was the day I had cried for the last time for that 'already over' relationship...It was the longest duration I had ever cried in my life, and it was the most silent one too...Two rivers flown from my eyes till the morning sun was bright enough to dry them off and those rivers had left me bruised inside...But, as I had gotten up from my bed that morning I was a different person...All alone but ready to take charge of my own life, without anyone's favour and without anyone's tantrums for loving them...I had gotten into a phase where I was the only one responsible for my own decisions and the one witnessing the fruit of what I sowed...Also I was the one who had to make sure there was always a sheild between my heart and mind not to let my heart overpower my mind (and unfortunately this one seemed to be the toughest job in the lot)...My tears were as ready as a cloudy sky to pour and my heart was as weak as the chocolates on a boiling pan...But, it was my turn to face the world, alone, and if not for me for the lovely people around me...And, sadly, these were also the ones, whose existence I had almost ignored during the break up phase...I had put a full stop to the fact that I had once loved the person and he loved me back (or rather I should say I put a full stop to my realization that I still did but he didn't)...And, strangley enough the 'petite and weak-at-heart' me was acting like one who doesn't care about who loved her and who didn't...Like the one 'being happy that she got ditched'...And like the one who needed her own self than the one she really loved...But, it worked...Things fell back in place, sorrow turned into bright smiles, made friends with newer people who cared, love happend in form of admiration and then one morning, everything seemed so normal...

Well, I know I started this story saying that whatever had happened last night, or the books I read last night had to do with my this new 'reanalyzing self'...I might seem to forget it by so far, but no, I haven't...The book Aleph talks about keeping the faith alive...As I had taken a journey with Paulo's search for love and forgiveness (that is what he summarises his book as), and his encounters to conquer his fears, I was coming to realize, at a point of time evrybody needs to take a step forward and see beyond the usual to know that he can face more than waht he anticipates and that too in a much stronger way than he actually seems to afford...It's not the bad things that fate makes happen to one, rather it's the positivity that fate brings wrapped inside the negative incidents...

Well, I've not achieved anything in life to talk really big and spill out serious words...But, when I find myself being the 'Me' of today, which is a surprising feeling to myself, I just feel the need of analyzing things over and over again...And, that is what I'm doing now too...I know, I'm talking all about 'Me-and-only-myself' kind of stuffs right now, but that is what this write up is about...The inspiration that had come from my within to keep going in life when I was in the verge of blacking out to the unknown future is what I always go back to again and again...Probably that is why I make a connect with everything that is about finding oneself...Yes, that is why I have developed a belief in finding oneself in the ways he can afford to...Going by a normal standard I have done nothing to boast about...But if I go by my own calibre, I have done more than I could ever imagine...I had stood up for my own life when it was easier to step out, I had persuaded my love when it was easier to let go and I had brought myself back to stand my own feet when it was easier to just break down...And all I had done was not something I can ignore either...

Well, it's been almost 18 hours I had finished the books...And I guess, it's more than 18 months I have not thought about losing out on my first and biggest battle of life...The battle of love...But, at this point in time the loss had all the positive marks on me...Because that loss had made me a winner (or atleast one who is in love with winning)...A (or should I say an aspiring) winner in life...And, yes, this is why I love life, every teardrop makes a drop less for the future...Every bruise makes you resistant for the future wounds and evrey bit of pain makes you stronger to face the deeper pains in the future...And the truth of life also lies in all these...The truth of the joy that one enjoys while mending the injuries in every fold of this unknown adventure...

I think it's the ten millionths time that a reading inspired me to relook at life (or my life)...And I'm happy that I did...It's something about books that I totally in love with...They have enough power to make you have a reality check of your life...And this reality check is something that one needs every now and then...Well, at least me...And I'm glad that I just had one the other night...

IT'S TIME TO STAY AWAKE...WITH HER STORY...

From my Diary: October 9th, 2011, 12.59 PM
It's late at night...And as usual, I'm sitting in the kitchen, catching up with my late night glass of chilled coffee and the weekend special edition of the newspaper...As I sip on my coffee and finish one article, I take a break for a while, and before moving on to the next, I start a conversation with the other girl in the quiet kitchen, Preet...From her busy movements from the wash basin to the gas stove to the freeze to the microwave, she responds to my queries...And as she does, as always she amuses me...

It's nearly been a year, I came to stay at this place, and, almost the same amount of time, I've known this girl Preet...She comes to this place, everyday, at around 11.30 at night, and does her share of cleaning up the kitchen, washing the utensils used throughout the day, making sure that everythin in the rest of the house is in place, and finishing all the necessary arrangements for the next morning...And, when the morning comes, she prepares the tea for four people (including me), cooks food for two and does the morning round of cleaning up the house, before she leaves at 10 to start the rest of her day...She has been a real surprise and amusement for me for all these time, and that is the reason why I initiate conversations with her everytime I can manage...And, to add a cherry on top of the already yummy cake, she narrates her story in such a jovial manner that it always perfectly compliments my late night chilled coffee...

Today, she tells me, that she has attended some seminar on dental therapy this afternoon...Oh, did I tell you about her job in a dental clinic??I guess not..Yes, every morning, after she goes back from our place, she goes to her permanent job of being a help to a dentist...And that is not the end, after coming back from the clinic by 9 every night, she also attends to her daily household chores at her own home...Then she finishes her dinner, and comes to our place by 11.30...Yes, everyday, she works 3 shifts...3 back to back shifts...Not to mention, it's being Mumbai, she travels in local trains, at the rush hours, walks from the station to her place and it's something she does without a hitch and of course the slightest complaint...

She tells me that her seminar was at Lower Parel and after reaching home, she cooked fish curry for her family...I ask her, doesn't she get tired...'I'm used to to it', comes her reply...She seems very happy for having cooked something special for her family for a Saturday dinner...'It was Navaratri na, so nobody in the family had eaten non vegetarian for last 9 days, so cooked today...Actually I was tired, but so many days mum and dad didn't have this kind of food...So ended up cooking', she explains to me...I get surprised as I realise how one can think so much at a given point of time, espicially when one has a life like Preet's, in which, she has to devote more thank 17 hours, sorting other's lives than her own...Yes, at any given point of time she thinks about others...Others' priorities are hers, and she has hardly anything left for herself...At least one would definitely feel so when they see Preet for the first time....

But, no...One who knows Preet a little more, he would know, she had also planned her life...Sometime's back, in a conversation like today's, she had told me what she wants to do in life...Of course, being a girl from a typical local family, she wouldn't have dreamt of making it highly big in her professional life...And most obviously she hasn't, but, as a daughter (or should I say, an earning daughter), she has done what she should and has to do...She has completed her complete studies with her own hard earned money...She supports her parents with her share of contribution towards the family spending, bears all the cost for her brother's studies....And, and...and...At this point of time, she has made sure that she has her future secured financially...Yes, the most amusing fact of this girl is that, she has done everything that is ideally done by somebody who's highly matured and experienced in life...And if you go by her age, she is 3 years younger to me!!!

It's amazing, how some people know how to handle life the way it appears in front of them...It's amazing to see how some people don't consider problems as problems, rather find out solutions gracefully...It's surprising to see, how for some people, life is all about living every moment with an open mind rather than complaining about the non existent possibilities...It's so inspiring to see, how some people don't consider hardships as barriers to their existence, rather take as the most usual way of life, and thus succeed attaining mental peace...

As the twinkle in this girl's eyes starts transforming into my soul, I realize, yes, life is all about finding small happinesses in the mundanes...No matter what comes on our ways, if we start taking them as something we can do, nothing can stop us from implementing those....A little vision, a little maturity, a little understanding, a little patience and a little readiness in our mindsets, to accept and find happiness in any situation, and we are all set to conquer the world...And that's when comes other positivities too on our way...Other positivities being peace of mind, joy of living, purpose of existence and of course the worth of being human....(Ah! sounds like Salman Khan's trust, but on a serious note no)...

I'm done with my coffee...And Preet is with her chores...She wishes me goodnight and leaves the kitchen, leaving me behind...I switch the lights off, but sit back on the chair... I'm not ready to sleep yet...Probably, because, it's one of those rare times, when my senses are awake...And I really wish, they stay that way, at least for a while....