TO ALL I LOVE...TO ALL MY SOUL MATES...

What I said was what I felt inside; and, it wasn’t fake
I knew it to be the right thing; and, never a mistake
When I said you touched a string in my heart; and created music
That was exactly how I heard; beautiful and classic
When I said I lost myself in your eyes; and found my world
That was an honest truth; although I know it was foolish and also bold
When I longed for your arms; I truly did
That was why I let you know; and never hid
When I told you I felt for you; it was real
I was naïve and insane; and it was an overpowering emotional zeal
I know, I messed things up; yeah I always do
What I didn’t realize is that; you too would know
Yeah, you always knew me; and so you knew me this way too
And I feel happy that you stood there; and never bid adieu
Probably you’re my soul mate; that I’m searching for all these years
And, with you by my side; my heart leaps, my soul soars and I’m free from all fears

PS. To all those, I love, I say I love, and I know I love…

THESE DAYS, I SMILE...AND WISH MORE...THAT EVERYONE DOES...

Well, last 3 days of this year and we have a brand new year in our lives...And probably this is my last blog for this year...And, as I start scribbling, I decide, why don't I just talk about all those things that's making me smile these days...Well, actually, there are a bunch of those and I think, it would be really something, I would excel in writing, 'cuz, the mere thought of those things is enough for me to lighten my mood up, yeah, yeah, you guessed it right...I'm already smiling...

Well, these days, I'm in my favourite city, with my brother, well that's where all my reasons to smile start...Well, we fight 40 percent of the time we're together, don't talk to each other 10 percent of the time, silently take care of each other 30 percent of the time and laugh like insane rest 20 percent...And this mere 20 percent makes life just far and far better than anything possible, and that makes me smile...Well, a huge part of my happiness revolves around being with my brother...Yeah, life seems so complete with someone like your own sibling, who is more than just a sibling…And, when it’s a younger brother, the fun is twice the more…He acts like your elder brother and scans your date, he acts like a mother and feeds you when you fall asleep without food, he acts like a father and rescues you when you’re trapped in situations… Yeah, he can be everything you need exactly when you do...And, when you know, he's your unofficial best friend, and official caretaker, you are the queen of the house...Yeah, life is just amazing with a brother of this sort…

These days, I'm with my mad gang of friends, who make me smile more than I could ever wish to...Everyone has their own way to get me the little drops of happiness that can lighten my face...If I need to travel, I get my friends booking their tickets too, to the same destination as mine...If I'm moving to a different place, I get my friends coming along, to accompany me...If I'm hungry, I get my pizza and pasta with coke delivered, right at my doorstep...If I want to eat homemade chicken, I get ten thousand invitations, to experience homemade chicken...If I'm broke I get my friends rushing to help me...If I want to have coffee, I find my friends driving me to my favourite coffee shop on the highway...And most importantly, if I'm teary eyed, I get my friends standing right by my side, the very next moment, with tissues in their hands...Yeah, they are a gang I feel proud of...Their smallest effort to make me smile, does really make me smile...In a place, away from my own family, they are my family, and would always be...A big portion of my happiness is sourced from them...Yeah, life is something to fall in love again and again, with a gang of friends of this sort…

These days, I'm with people, who make me feel I'm missed...Luckily or unluckily I happen to work in an industry, where it’s very difficult to maintain your professional and personal lives as two parallel entities, and these two are bound to cross roads, on a million occasions. Thanks to my stars, I had worked in a place where, I met people who became few very important parts of my life, both personal and of course professional. And, these days, when I’m away from few of them, they say they miss me…That makes me smile, not ‘cuz, I take pleasure in making them miss me, but, I realize they care for me as I do too…I always believed they did, but now, I believe it even stronger…And that ,makes me feel happy, ‘cuz I realize, in a place, where I knew no one, I made few relationships, which are beyond mere business, and are of love and affection…Yeah, that makes me smile, like a child, with a heart completely content and without complaints…Yeah, life is full of joy with people of this kind around…

These days, my mornings bring me a bouquet of sheer pleasures…I wake up to a bright and warm sun, bathing the surroundings…As I look out through my window, to a clear blue sky, I know I’m so alive…I see new hopes, new rays of fulfillment...And that makes me smile…And, when I set out to start my day with a freshly brewed coffee while chatting with my dad on phone, my senses find yet more reasons to be happy…The aroma sates my nostrils, the slow sips sates my taste buds, the talks with dad sates my soul, and the beauty of the amazing city with fog-clad serenity sates my sight…I find myself amidst a million reasons to brighten my mood too…I know, this day is something I’m going to treasure at the bottom of my heart, and whenever I feel the need, I would peep in and relive this day…And this definitely makes me smile…Yeah, life is so beautiful, with these pure and priceless indulgences…

These days, my morning journey to office has turned really interesting…8 in the morning, half sleepy, yet excitedly dressed up, and music on ears, 5 days in a week, I hop into a bus which would be insanely crowded and with the same set of people everyday…But, the whole effort doesn’t make me lose my calm (well, it does when the traffic drives me crazy), ‘cuz a lot of other things, and yeah, much more interesting things go on inside that ACed but ‘can’t-feel-the-AC’ red bus…Everyone seems to have a mysterious personality, with million different expressions on their faces, and watching these can truly make you amazed…That makes me smile…While the bus driver (who happens to remember that I had travelled in the same bus 2 years back, and he exactly knows where I want to get down, everyday, without fail) helps me place my rather huge bag next to his seat, so that I don’t have to struggle with it, the lady conductor gives a warm smile, that can brighten your face, even in the midst of that ‘I’m-almost-sandwitched’ situation…While, I feel the adoring stares of a cute looking guy on my face (well, constantly, and I happen to meet him almost every day), I also feel the amazed (no, wait, feared) stares of some other (probably he’s amused and scared with my scary cascades, and of course, insanely kohled eyes)…While at times, I busy myself in the book in my hand, and disappear from these all, I also make new friends (well, only girls) and adjust her bags in my seat, chat coherently, and plan to go out shopping…Yeah, so many instances, inside that closed bus…And, each of it has its own charm…And, yeah, each of those make me smile… Life is so strange, you don’t really know, when and where and how you make connections with other people…

These days, I’m fresh even after a long day’s work…Well, things keep happening at work, and certainly I’m in a state where I realize that I enjoyed work more in the other city than this, but then, I happen to forget these complaints most of the time…A gang of good co-workers (not-so-great clients though), and most importantly one among them as a friend, yeah, life isn’t that bad either…And, there’s always a lot of laughter, endless cups of coffee, a terrace to sit and chat and a lot of posing and lot of clicks, yeah, work is not a stressful entity at all…And that makes me smile…When, half of my friends crib about their work and workplace, I certainly have a job that gives me much more pleasure than pain…Life is so easy when your profession and passion meet at the same point…

These days, my late evening coffee makes me lift my mood up…After a long day (and yes, frozen in the chilly breeze), as I reach the coffee shop near my place, the uniformed guy knows exactly which mug I would prefer…By the time, I sit at the table in the corner, my coffee reaches my table too…And, as I sip on it I smile…My tiredness gets blown away with the aroma of the coffee, my almost chocked brain starts functioning again, and I relax…Yeah, it’s great to have a little time, all to myself, and let my thoughts wander…This happens to be the most priceless hour of my everyday…With a coffee in hand, phone in silent mode, ipod shut, and without any worries of my hair getting messed up, or my shirt un-tucked, or my stilettos dirty, yeah, this is a moment I love to wait for…All that stays in my mind is that, it’s me and me alone, with my thoughts, and without anyone’s interference… Life, with few moments all to yourself, is something more worthy than anything else possible…

These days, as I lay in bed, I realize that a beautiful day has come to an end…I realize, I have experienced something new today, learnt something little, seen something new…I realize, the day has passed without me having to shed any tears, without having to crib and complaint, without having to hurt anyone…And, that makes me smile…I realize that my surrounding is full of things that I’m in love with and which make me feel loved and cared back…I think of the people I’m in love with, I think of the things I’m passionate about, I think of the moments that I love to relive again and again…And, all these together, make me see the beautiful life with so much affection and pride…Yeah, I get happy with the mere thought of how amazing and eclectic life is…With things exactly the way they are, around me…Life, with so much abundance (might not be materialistic, but divine), is something, you know, you live for…

Yeah, these days, I smile…I smile a lot…And, as I do so, I feel proud to have experienced all those reasons and moments that make me smile…Wish, the days ahead bring smile to every lips around me…But, most importantly, wish, everyone around gets to see, that, life, in itself is full of reasons that have the power to bring the brightest smiles on our lips…
And, with this wish, here I go…Welcome, 2012…

GOODBYE 2011...

Well…Already in the last few days of 2011...Yes, the year almost got over…10 days, and we would see yet another new year…And, this gives me a need to look back and see what the bygone year brought me, what it took away, what I could do, what I couldn’t do, what I thought of doing and ended up in null, what I thought of doing never and ended up repeating often…and the list goes on…And, I feel a sheer need of doing this, because I know, by doing so, I would get some real pleasures of knowing what I had gone through in a long year, and if at all I could gather anything from the same…

Well, when I started 2011, things were not so happening in my life…With a broken relationship to handle, in an unknown (and not-so-favourite) city, with everyone around as strangers, almost all alone, yes life was not really anything highly motivating and happening…To add to the bouquet of worries, had a job that paid so little that I had hardly any way to feel proud of myself…But, only reason I was not able to leave my job was the fact that I was completely in love with it, and waking up every morning to go to my workplace was something I excitedly waited for every night before going to bed…Well, life was not really so difficult ever before… And, with everyone closed to me constantly nagging me to come back (they were genuinely worried of me suffering) to where my life could be as comfortable as I wished to, was something that added the extra bit of restlessness to my already bruised soul… And, yes I thought of quitting too…Many and many a times… But, somehow, something inside me told me to carry on, and somehow I kept postponing my plans of giving up …And, one day I knew that I was not going to give up…I knew, I was not going to let any excuse come on my way to convince me to see the easy and short...I knew, rather, I was going to fight with situations and make it happen in my own way...I was ready to face the challenges as they appeared in front of me, and I was ready to make my weakness my strength...And, today when I look back, I feel so proud for taking such a decision...Cuz, I see now, that that single decision had changed my life completely, and made me aware of what I actually want from life...

I know, I know, my journey in life has just begun, and I have miles to go...But, by now, I know on which route I'm supposed to walk, on which route I need to walk, on which route I should walk and most importantly, on which route I want to walk...And all this is, in order to reach the destiny I have figured out for myself...And, personally, that in itself is no less than an achievement for me...Yes, it is...Given that, half of my life I stay confused and can never figure out the right thing for myself, this very first step certainly does hold a magnificent importance...What's more, this baby step is more like the very first big leap, after which the complete journey seems rather a smooth relaxing walk...And, I'm so grateful to that decision of mine which made my this baby step possible...

In the bygone year, lot of such events took place which would always make me look back to this year again and again, and cherish those events and moments in every possible occasion...Yes, the time that is soon going to be history, have brought me amazing bunch of experiences and those, are something that are in the process of building my life, might be in bits and pieces, but yes those are...And, today, I realize, each of those moments is a very very strong brick on the wall of my life, and they are so perfectly cluttered together that, even if one slab is removed, the wall will not have its now perfect look...Yes, each and every moment from those time mattered, matters and would always do... Came across people who taught me critically needed lessons on truths, came across situations that showed me few hidden but real facets of life, came across ideas that could enlighten my darkness-encaved soul, yes, in a year of 365 days, came across an ocean of experiences, each differing from each other, each having its own charm, each of different intensity, and most importantly each with a completely different influence in the complete picture…That makes me agree to one of the punch lines that I have come across in the recent times (for a brand on which I worked), which is also my personal favourite, that says, ‘A day is not just a day, but a million eclectic moments, waiting to surprise you’…Yes, a day of million moments, a month of few such days, and a year of few such months, together a million million eclectic moments, actually did make me witness a sea of surprises of varied kinds… But, the commonness in all these is that, each of these had its own share of importance in my life, and that, is something that makes me feel so blessed and happy…

If I look back now, I realize, what made the gone year so very interesting for me is that during this year I came across people who would be always treasured all my life...In an unknown city, in middle of thousand unknown faces, managed to know few who made me feel so me...They always told me that at times I might fall down, but, that by no means meant that I’m weak…They told me, I’m more than what I always thought myself to be…They also told me, I could do whatever I wished to, only thing I needed to do is keep myself grounded and not let myself float in the sea of worries that I happened to face that time...They told me to shed tears, but at the same time taught me to wipe them...They told me to hide the vulnerable me inside a mask to stay safe from the rude world...They constantly told me I was much more stronger than I could even imagine...These might seem mere words, but this was what I needed at that point of time, to get myself together, to regain my faith, and most importantly to stand on my own feet…Met people who pampered me like a kid, who taught me like a student, who cared for me like my own parents, who let me get spoilt with affection, who hugged me when I went weak on my knees…And, most importantly, they never criticized me for being me, always let me be me, and yet stronger and matured…I tried knowing them, and they knew me back...I loved them, and they loved me back…And, most importantly made me feel that they are there, always, right by my side, even if I don’t happen to realize…Yeah, what more could I ask for, when I had people of this genuineness with and around me, exactly when I needed someone???

Well, today, when it is just a few days left for me to say a final goodbye to the goneby year, a sense of pride overrides my emotions…Pride, on being able to come across experiences that talks more of living than surviving…That talks of giving and recieving love...That talks of letting go than holding back…That talks of forgiving than forgetting…That talks of focusing more on the positives than cursing on the negatives…That talks of finding bigger happinesses in the small things than sensing little happinesses over bigger possessions…In short that talks of filling up this human life with heavenly pleasures…And, these pleasures are much much above than the mundane cribbings, chocking responsibilities, unrealistic search for joy, bruised emotions, shattered life events and most importantly attempted unfairness to our own souls…

Yeah, every single moment teaches us so much…Exposes us to so many facets all together…Reveals so many secrets of life…Takes us through a mini-journey… And, we don’t really have to bother why it happened…Cuz everything happens with a purpose…Every incident and accident in our lives has a reason why it occurs… And, the best part of each of these is that, once we come across them, it leaves some immortal asset with us, and we are left as a better person…Well, isn’t this betterness good enough to make the lives of our loved ones little better than they always have been…And, I'm fortunate to experience exactly this betterness, with everything that has happened in the time gone by...This very thought makes me feel so content and so pleased…My heart leaps with boundless joy, thinking of what I have gained, than worrying about what I could not… And, yes, this makes me feel so complete…

With this completeness, I’m all ready to welcome a brand new year…A year, where I hope to see everyone around me achieving the contentment they desire for…I wish and hope to see my parents smiling (and if it’s because of me, I would be in seventh heaven), my loved ones fulfill their dreams, their loved ones smiling and everyone else smiling too…And for myself…All I wish for myself is to be able to accept things the way they appear in front of me, never complaining, never to let my loved ones shed even a drop of tears because of me and yes, spread a little happiness around…But, most importantly, I wish to see the small drops of happinesses that come wrapped inside the small events that those million moments of an everyday brings…

Goodbye 2011, you were and will always be such inspiration in life…

AWAY FROM THE PAIN...

Well...The last week was a kind of emotional and traumatic journey for me...Well, nothing exactly happened directly to me...But, my near and dear ones were going through a really rough patch and that had made me kind of lose my peace of mind...My close ones were suffering from emotional breakdowns and somehow that had not gone too well with my understanding and love for life, and that had left me wondering highly negatively on human emotions, feelings and worse, on human relationships...And, in a word my inside was (and still is) cracked, crashed and broken, never to be mended again...

Practically, it's that time of my life, when I'm supposed to think about relationships on a serious note, should start thinking about getting a partner for life, and thereby think about starting a family...But, the
things constantly happening around me, just do not let me think on that line...What's worse, I have no clue, if any day I will be able to take things the way I'm supposed to, or rather take things easy and
practically, rather than taking them in a complicated and logical way...I guess, I really need to take a serious call...A call on letting myself see that at times, we need to witness a few emotional nightmares, need to go through a not-so-exciting roller coaster ride of emotional cacophony, need to make a few sacrifices, need to let few things go…and most importantly need to get ourselves together to resume the journey called life, all over again…

Well, I don't want to be philosophic and comment on anything that interests different individuals differently and thereby don't want to analyze anything from anyone's point of view...But personally, I'm certainly disturbed with human relationships being exploited the way they are (at least around me)...And all I can do is, scream from inside 'Why', and keep screaming...Certainly, I have no answer to my whys...And, I get confused even more, disturbed even more and lose faith in people even more with these unanswered whys of mine...Wish, things were little different, and wish I didn’t have to come across people who break trusts, insult faith and feelings of any kind don’t bother them...But, the saddest part is things don't happen the way we wish to, and hence, even I have been witnessing incidents and accidents that have left my heart bruised and me completely perplexed...And certainly it's not a feeling I ever wished to go through, at all...

Coming back to the root of my outbursts, I fail to understand one basic thing…It’s about relationships between two matured individuals….When two people get into a relationship, it means TWO PEOPLE are into it...And, that means, a decision that has importance and significance in both of their lives, should be taken on the basis of mutual understanding and relevance, and not as per only one's will, wish and convenience....But, in reality it doesn't seem to happen that way...In most of the situations, it so happens that when it comes to minor avoidable matters (including what time one gets up, what he ate in lunch, what he's planning for in the evening), apparently one cares to share each and everything, and, on the other hand, the important decisions of life are taken without the other person's concern, in fact without even knowledge...What's worse, these decisions are those ones, which can make or break an individual (and if he happens to be a little weak, those might even end one's life)...But, no, while taking these decisions, it so happens that, the other person is kept in sheer darkness...He doesn't even know, something is about to happen, and certainly is unknown to the repercussions of the same...It sounds so strange and unreal, and non-practical, and untrue, but, hell yeah, these do happen, and are constantly happening in the world...Well, I can forget about the world at this moment, cuz, these days these sort of things are happening around me, with people who are my dear and near ones...And, truly speaking these are making me lose faith in people, emotional connections and certainly relationships...I know I’m not being right on my part and being cruel to myself, but, well, I'm helpless...

Whatever I know from my limited knowledge on social science, history, anthropology, and anything of that sort, I always knew that, the one thing that holds the utmost importance in human society since time unknown, is relationships, which is again, a collective definition of love, emotions and feelings...And, that's how the human society was supposed to be...Relationships mattered more than anything, marriages were meant for lives, and words like commitment, dedication, togetherness were worshipped in all the ages...But, today, all these seem utterly meaningless...At a single time, people dare to carry on with a marriage, along with two other people (of course none knows about none) outside it...At a single time, people can be with two people, completely different from each other...Why!!!! Cuz, they want to experience both the worlds...Hell, yeah...That’s happening these days, in our so called edgy society, and we are witnessing it on a daily basis…We’re not able to do anything even if we witness these happening to others, and there comes a time, when these happen with us too…And yes, again, we are not able to anything…We cry, we crib, we curse the person who did wrong with us, we analyze every possible reason why those happened with us, we find faults in ourselves, we lock ourselves away from others for a while…And then, we come back to the real world, where these things have turned into something very common, and worse, people take it so easy…Are they really so practical???Or just that they are running out of emotions to even show how shocked they are???Could be anything…Yes, it could be anything…And why not, everything and everyone is so casual today, and more than that, unpredictable today…

I fail to understand, aren't these things, incidents and accidents completely based on materialistic happiness???And the sadistic part is, these happinesses are momentary and even those involved in those know it...But, they happen to ignore them...Reasons???It doesn't matter as long as they are finding some pleasure…Even if that’s at the cost of their loved ones’ tears…It doesn’t matter as long as they are sure of not looking back at those moments (and they are certainly sure of this)…And, yes, it’s pure selfishness…I realize, you need to be individualistic and self-centered to make it big in life, but hell, not selfish…Cuz, the moment you be selfish, all you think about is you and your happiness, even if that comes at the cost of others’ broken heart, bruised soul and crashed identity…Is it fair???Certainly not…But, why we fail to see that???No one has the answer…


Well, I’m certainly in a maze these days…In that maze, I’m losing the capacity to judge people, on the basis of what they portray…Losing the capacity to understand what makes human relationships survive, despite of thousand blows on them…Losing the capacity to realize the difference between situational demand and people’s actual motive…Losing the capacity to absorb the actual reality and prevailing reality…Yes, I’m in a maze…And my emotions running deep, can find no relevance to the world I’m exposed to…I know, these emotions are true, and honest but, I’m scared to even show this vulnerable side of mine to the world…Cuz, after witnessing what can happen to one with an emotional depth, I’m scared, lest my emotions too suffer from the same…Lest, I’m made to witness situations which will bruise my complete being…Yes, I’m scared…I don’t want to be a soul screaming out for help, but is unheard…And, probably that’s why, I’m thinking, I need to stay away…Away from all the agony, pain, tears and helplessness a situation could create… In a word, away from an emotional relationship…

THIS FEELING, IS IT LOVE!!!!

It's been really long since last felt this way

Yes...
It's been long since I last
Smiled when alone
Talked to myself
Wept in happiness
And, felt like living in fairy tale

Yes...
It's been long since I last
Longed for someone's arms around me
Got melted in someone's whisper in my ears
Lost my existence in the depth of someone's eyes
And, forgot the world with someone by my side

Yes...
It's been long since I last
Understood, I'm his Princess
Knew, my world is his too
Felt, so cared and protected
And, realized we're meant for each other

Yes...
It's been really long since last felt this way
It's been really long since last felt
I'm in love....

IT'S JUST ME....THE REAL ME...

Many a times I don't behave as I feel inside...

At times
I look strong on surface
I overcome problems in a blink
I can fight any difficulty
And, I can make others feel I don't need them....
But, the truth is
When I look the strongest
I'm the weakest deep down
I wear a layer of invisible shield
That hides my delicate soul
That's scared of the cruel world...

At times...
I look so weak on surface
I need someone feeding me
I want someone hugging me
I fail to even make myself a coffee
And, I can't make my tears stop even at the slightest hitch...
But, the truth is
When I look the weakest
I'm the strongest deep down
My delicate face hides everything
The ready-to-face-all-hurdles self
The determination and strength inside...

But then, it's just me...
Li'l strange, li'l predictable
Li'l crazy, li'l reliable
But always ready to
Face life, exactly the way it comes...
Yes, it's just me...the weird but real me...

CRISIS OF A SINGLE GIRL....

Well, finally, I guess I have a crisis…I mean, me, being a 25 years old, it’s officially very genuine that I should face this (in fact, and luckily I’m facing it little later than a normal girl), but then what can I do…All these years, I was happy realizing that, me, being my dad’s princess, I would not have to go through anything of this sort…Well, it seems, I was insanely wrong…And, now, as I recall that lately I’m actually having some major arguments with my mum over this topic (yes, I’m going to come to that), I realize, yes, I’m going through a real crisis…A crisis, that every girl has to go through in some point of their life…Especially, those who are single, or should I say, who don’t have a boyfriend…I guess, this one is more appropriate…

Well, finally, I guess I have a crisis…I mean, me, being a 25 years old, and especially being a girl, it’s officially very genuine that I should face this (in fact, and luckily I’m facing it little later than a normal girl), but then what can I do…All these years, I was happy realizing that, me, being my dad’s princess, I would not have to go through anything of this sort…Well, it seems, I was insanely wrong…And, now, as I recall that lately I’m actually having some major arguments with my mum over this topic (yes, I’m going to come to that), I realize, yes, I’m going through a real crisis…A crisis, that every girl has to go through in some point of their life…Especially, those who are single, or should I say, who don’t have a boyfriend…I guess, this one is more appropriate…

Well, from my own personal point of view, being single can be one of the most exclusive and enticing experiences you can have…You are free to do the best things in life, when you are single…You do not have to worry about leaving your boy friend behind when you go out on a ‘girls day out’ (you certainly feel sad about leaving him behind and having extreme fun, and thereby end up spending half of your shopping money buying gifts for him, as a making up gesture)…You do not have to worry about bringing your boy friend into your circle of friends (whom he doesn’t feel comfortable with and hence, feels odd, and thereby you need to stick to him, rather than executing why at the first place you came to your friends)… You do not have to plan your trip back home according to ‘both of your schedules’, and can fly back to see your parents any day you wish to…And, most importantly, you can save the time for your own small pleasures, that you have to save for your boyfriend to make him feel that he is a part of your life (and can use that time to write notes cribbing on any topic you wish to, painting some unreal portraits, sipping tropical ice bergs nonstop and the list goes on)…And, the list doesn’t end here…You can buy as many stilettos as you wish, without worrying about his heights, you can hog on any food without worrying to keep yourself fit to match his figure, and you can sleep as early as possible without worrying him (yes, he does worry when you don’t pick his calls, I guess he thinks you died)…And, once you experience this heavenly singleton, you know, single is the way to be…

But then, here comes the list of negatives, that bunch together to create a crisis…When you are single and have a group of friends who are no less than your soul mates, problems start…One best friend of yours thinks the other to be your boyfriend, and thousand reasons seem less to convince him that things are not the way he assumes to be…Well, certainly he doesn’t go away from you (‘cuz he’s your best friend, and will stand by you no matter what), but, his perception of you and the other best friend being a couple has no real cure…What’s more, your girl best friend tries to convince you to start a relationship with her cousin, or her childhood best friend whom she thinks can keep you happy all your life(she wants you to have a happy life you see)…

If you are a single girl, all the single guys around you seem to have a problem with that…They go on trying to flirt with you, and if you are genuinely friendly (overlooking and ignoring their crappy lines that they think they can impress you with), they think you are flirting back…And if you are genuinely rude, they think it’s a ‘Keep following me dude, I’ll be yours one day’ trick you are playing on them, and hence they pursue you even more… And, finally you lose your peace of mind…And, to be honest, this problem has no major solution…

Now, come to the worst dilemma on the list…When you are single, your mum thinks you are running away from marriage…She keeps trying her level best to know, if you have a boyfriend, and if you don’t, they think you are one of those kind, who doesn’t care for relationships…She starts looking for some idiot to make your match with him, and if you deny, she gets genuinely upset, ‘cuz she starts doubting her ability on bringing you up (certainly she thinks she brought you up to be an anti-relationship rebel)…And, those tears of hers, it’s really difficult to wipe, in turn, they make you super guilty…Your world seems foggy, with pain and tears, and guilt, and so on…

Well, what can I say…Crisis is actually an understatement for this series of trauma…I know, I know, being in love is one of the best things in life, and if you ask me, I’m a true follower of love, and thereby relationships…But, how do I make others understand that it’s not about love, relationship, having a boyfriend, or a marriage…It’s about getting into something, that I would not be able to handle and thereby which can challenge my sanity…I know, I can just ignore everyone, I can just forget the world, I can just forget who says what, and I can just let things bounce over my head…But, what I can’t just let slip out of my head, or rather my heart is that most of these who are concerned about me not having a boyfriend, are ones very close to my heart… And, at any cost they want me to be happy…And, every bit of their talks, anger, emotional colourmails, advices, requests, perusals (and all emotions of that kind), has only one focus…That being my happiness at the end of it…And, the result???I am tied up…And, the only thing I can do is take out my phone, type all what I feel (most of it are frustrated blabbers), and update on my social networking site (well, thank God, I have a page where no one would feel sad to read blabbers, if at all they read)…And, precisely that’s what I’m doing right now…

Uff…Being single, does really have a list of problems…And, dealing with them is a real crisis…And I don’t know what should I term it as…Crisis of being single…or...Crisis of a single girl…

HIM AND ME....

He says, I don’t know the real world
It’s cruel and doesn’t let us be one…
I say, I don’t want to know the real world
‘Cuz it’s cruel and it doesn’t let us be one…
He says, I’m childlike
I don’t see the big bad world that keeps me away from him…
I say, I want to stay childlike
If that helps me not see the big bad world that keeps him away from me…
He says, I’m little insane
I don’t understand what he says…
I say, I’m little insane
‘Cuz, I don’t want to understand what he says…

Then he looks at me, and I look at him…
He takes me in his arms…
I forget the real world…So does he…
And, we stay happily ever after…

CHANGE....AND THE HAPPINESS IT BRINGS...

It's just a matter of time how things change
It's just a matter of situations how feelings change
And, it's just matter of wish how lives change

At times, changes bring pain and tears
And, some other times, they bring the world
Coloured with love, passion and happiness

But, what makes these changes special
Are the people who come along, in every turn where changes occur
And, life gets beyond beautiful with their presence....

Feeling happy for myself these days
'Cuz, lot of changes have taken place in my life
In the last few years....
And, today, I'm happy
With what I've gained, and most importantly whom I've met
'Cuz of those changes.....

NOSTALGIA, AND A SOAKED SOUL....

It's that time of the year
When nostalgia soaks the soul
And we pause for a while and look back...
To see
What we've left behind
What we're carrying along
And, what we'll store all our life...

Yes, it's that time of the year
When emotions speak out
The good, the bad and the ugly
But, also leave the bads and uglies behind
Only to carry the goods along...

Like everone else
Even I'm looking back...
And, as I do so, I realize

What an eclectic year it was...
One of those kinds, which taught me
Some of the best lessons of my life...
And, helped me being a stronger soul...

Met few amazing people and knew
They're going to be a part of me all my life..
Let few others slip out of my mind
And with that, realized that
It was one of the best decisions I had ever made...

Gained an ocean of experiences
Amazingly amazing
Brilliantly illuminating
And, critically needed...

Laughed a lot..and learnt to make others laugh....
Cried a lot...but learnt to wear a smile after that...
Loved, and got loved back...and realised that's the best medicine in
the world...

Yes, what a year it was...
And, as I prepare myself for a new one
I know, this one is going to even better than the last...
Cuz
It would bring even newer experiences
And at the same time, will let me store the old ones...
And, with this combination life would be
Just so exclusive, exciting and enticing...
Yes, it's really worth the wait...

LOVE ME ALWAYS...EVEN AT MY WORST, THE WAY YOU DO AT MY BEST...

When I see your eyes
I know, you love me
And, I realize I'm alive...

Often I know
You're proud of me
You're the happiest with me
You see a new meaning of life with me....

But, many a times
I'm afraid, lest you stop loving me someday...

'Cuz
I know
I'm not the perfect one for you
And can't make you perfect, being by your side...

I know
I'm not the ideal one for you
And can't make you feel lucky, by being in your life...

I know
I'm not the rightest one for you
And can't make you feel 'You're special' by any means...

I know
I make you freak out many a times
I make you lose your mind countless times
I make you get mad at me a million times...

But, then
I want you to know
I always need you to love me with your heart and soul
I always need you to want me with all your passion
I'll always need you to be next to me all my life...

'Cuz
Your love means the world to me
And, that's what makes me survive
Despite of all odds in life...

And that's why I need just one thing from you...
Today and everyday...
No matter what comes on our way...

Love me even at my worst
The way, you do at my best...

PS. For all, whom I love, and who love me back...and whom I want to love me always....

WHEN IT'S LOVE.....IT'S YOU WHO IT'S MEANT FOR.........

'LOVE' happens to me very frequently

I fall in love very often
And, with that, my soul gets soaked in its depth...
I fall out of love too....very often
And, then I experience a ride through the desert...

Everytime when LOVE happens
I enter in a fairyland...
My dreams see their destiny
My hopes decorate the days ahead
And, tender ecstacy turns me pleasantly drowsy...

Each of my love stories
Has its own charm
And, happens to be very different from one another

Everytime LOVE happens
I plan my future with him
And, none of the plans resembles one another...

And...
Everytime LOVE happens
The intensity of my love changes
Making each time
A complete different and unique journey alltogether

But, then...
In each of my love stories
There is something, that never changes
And, that is
THE ONE WHOM I LOVE

Because,
In all my affairs
He always is the SAME person..
And, that is YOU...

Yes, no matter how many times I fall in love
It's always YOU, who I fall for....

WHEN IT'S LOVE...IT IS LOVE....

When it's love, it is love
No matter who it is for
No matter how it all started
No matter where it's taking us...

When it's love, it is love
No matter if it's first, second or nth time
No matter if it's fairytale or a practical kind
No matter if it's very normal or one of it's sort...

When it's love, it is love
No matter what age it is
No matter what season it is
No matter what place it is...

When it's love, it is love
No reason makes more sense
Nothing else does matter
And none seems more existing...

When it's love, it is love
Ecstasy overpowers all senses
Tenderness soaks all behaviours
And, silvery droplets soak both eyes, all the time...

Yes, when it's love
It sees nothing but love
It knows nothing but love
And it lives nothing but love...

And, that's why I say
When it's love, it is only love...

CLOSER TO HIS HEART....

She looks out of the window, sitting at the backseat of the car…Her eyes are glued to the dew-dropped early morning city landscapes…The sun is up somewhere and the golden rays have spread their sparkle to everything around, and the morning looks like an elegantly dressed princess… What’s more, the sunrays have also spread tender warmth around…And, the sight of this morning has soaked her soul into some pure happiness…Her childlike face seems more vibrant than usual and she turns to the guy driving the car, ‘It’s so damn cool this morning, nay Rishi??’

‘You forget, Rishi is gone baby’, comes the reply from the driver’s seat…Ritwik, who’s driving the car finds it really funny that she doesn’t recall leaving Rishi in the airport this morning…’Hmmmm, well, I remember, just that slips out of my mind’, she gets little red to explain why she just called Ritwik Rishi and thus hides her disappointment that her best friend is not in the city anymore…And, surprisingly enough, this is the first time it occurs to her mind…

She leaves her back to the seat…And thinks of all those times she’s going to miss Rishi…Rishi being her best friend, and also that person who knew her exactly the way she is, makes it always easy for her to lean on him every time she needs someone…And, for the last 3 years, he has been carrying his responsibility of being her best friend so well that she never had to worry about being alone…After her 5 years long relationship with her boyfriend was over, Rishi was the friend she looked up to for taking her frustration out.. He was there when she needed to lean on his shoulders cursing her boyfriend, he was there when she needed to make a 3 am phone call cribbing how sleep refuses to arrive in her eyes, he was there when she needed to go on a long drive on the highway to avoid the suffocation in her room, he was there when she needed to eat at 2 am in the morning for skipping her dinner while busying herself crying, he was there when she fell sick of not eating for weeks together…Yes, he was always there…Always there, making her avoid those tears, making her smile with those little funny tales, making her find a way to see the lights ahead, and making her walk on the rough and dark tunnel she was on that time…Almost every evening he had taken her out on long drives because he knew that was one thing that could make her feel better…Almost every morning he had picked her up to college because he knew otherwise she would miss classes…Almost every moment spent with her he clicked a million pictures of hers because he knew that was one thing that made her happy like never before… Yes, almost every day he had made sure that she went home with a smile on her face… And, during all those times, she didn’t know how, but she started developing a dependence on him, and that continued…

Things kept going…They passed out with their masters’ degree to their credit…She took up a job in a different city, and he stayed back in the old…But they remained friends…In fact that was the time, their friendship became even stronger…They could call each other their best friend…And, suddenly she knew, he was one friend she would treasure for life…He was always there without her asking for him…During all her problems, during all her happinesses, during all her running tears, during all her shining smiles…yes, he was always there…Even during when he was fighting to save his own relationship with his long time girlfriend, he was with her supporting her…And, also then, when he himself was standing alone, yet he never let her feel alone…And, without her knowing she felt, he would be there always…

A month back, she came back to the city where she studied and in a true meaning, grew up…He was the one who managed to convince her to come back here, because he knew this was the place that actually could make her happy, although she refused to agree to that…But, she agreed to him on coming back here and one fine day she packed her bag and baggage and came back…And, in a true way, she was happy…Everything that made sense in her life was here…The city had so much to offer and thereby to make her happy that she was overwhelmed with the unexpected happiness that she was experiencing here…She had all her friends around her, she had her kid brother accompanying her, she had her favourite food stalls here, she had her favourite chilly breeze continuously blowing here, she had her favourite coffee shops here, yes everything she adored had all their glorious presence here…And, with Rishi by her side to protect and support her, life turned into a complete fairytale…

Then, one day Rishi tells her about his decision to move out of the country…He tells her that he wants to go abroad for a while to figure out what he exactly wants from life…Well, she gets really happy for him…She always knew that he always wished to go around the world, and due to various commitments he was not able to…But, now since finally he’s leaving, she gets truly happy…He tells her that they would always stay best friends and she trusts him…His words makes her feel even happier and she knows all their lives, they going to be friends to die for…She tells him, she would come to see him off…He tells her not to come, but her arrogance makes he agree to her coming to the airport…And finally today early morning she comes with all of them to the airport, has all the fun together before he gets his boarding pass and then waits for him to check in for immigration…

Everything was just so perfect, till that moment…Then comes the time, when he checks in and waves his hands and disappears on the staircases…All of a sudden, something triggers in her heart and her heart skips a beat…Suddenly she realizes, she is feeling restless and her soul is getting soaked in some unknown pain…She realizes, she is longing to see his face and since she can’t, it’s making her feel helpless…She tries her best to get a glimpse of his face, but there is no way she can…She tries his phone, he picks up and whispers that he’s in immigration check and would call her back once it’s over…Her heart skips even faster…His friend, who came along with them tells her that it’s time they move out of the airport…This friend gets some hints of her sadness, so he holds her palm and makes her walk along with him…They reach the parking lot…

She sits at the back seat, and drowns in her own thoughts…And that’s when she looks out of the window, and gets amused with the beauty of the morning…And, that’s when she excitedly calls for Rishi asking his opinion on the beautiful morning…And, that’s also when she gets her reality check that Rishi is not with her anymore…And, when she realizes, Rishi is gone her eyes suddenly turns moist…The bright sunny gorgeous morning fails to draw her attention anymore…Her tears start falling down slowly…She realizes, she is missing him…Missing him like she had never ever imagined she would…All she can think now is about him sitting next to her comforting her when she needed him the most…And, suddenly her heart weeps…It weeps like a child, screaming for its mother…It feels helpless like a caged kitten…It soaks in a sea of emotions that she can’t help saving it from…And, she’s left perplexed, what’s wrong with her…

And, then she realizes, probably, all this time, she overlooked what her heart kept feeling…Probably she didn’t have a way to see that she was starting to feel for the guy whom she thought to be her friends…Probably she failed to see that her emotions were running deeper than she was assuming to be…Probably she wasn’t able to understand that in those carefree moments she had started taking him as someone, more than a friend…Yes, probably she was blind to many a things happening around her, around him, and around them…But, today, as she has let him go to a place he wished to, she realizes, truly her heart wants him close her…So close that, his breathes would be on hers, his arms would be around her and she would know that, that is what she was missing all these times, when he was there but she had failed to understand…
She sighs…The car was running faster now…Into the city…Away from him…But, she knows, the more the distance between them increases, the more she is moving closer to him…closer to his heart…And, a smile appears on her lips…A smile, that brightens her face, more than the sunrays can brighten the morning…

A CUP OF COFFEE...AND A LOVE STORY...

Well, I'm always known for my faith and beliefs in fairytale stories, utter madness, and things that hardly have an explanation...And at times, I prove that I'm crazy to do so...Especially, when it comes to my love, I guess, I go beyond the reality and even imagination...'Cuz, I truly believe that fairytales do exist...Well, it's sad that once my own fairytale had witnessed a terrible reality check, but, hell no, it couldn't really lessen my faith in them...And, today, as I listened to the story of one my friend, I knew, I was never wrong...Fairytales do exist, very very very much...And, when they happen, the world does turn to a better place to be in...

Well, it was time, finally real life at Bangalore had taken off for me...After 2 weeks long pure indulgence, I had begun the life of a normal 25 years working girl...And that included major travelling in the morning hours, reaching office on time, sipping on the most readily available coffee and working minimum of 12 hrs a day...But, had no way to complain cuz it's the way I've chosen to be and I'm completely aware that, a chosen life comes with little difficulty...Nonetheless, I have found a way to cope up and hence this innings in Bangalore was going lilltle more than fine...And, it is one of these days when this friend of mine rang me to inform that he's just a little away from my office...It was lunch time, hardly any pressure at work and I was actually dying for a chilled coffee...So got happy to take a break and came out of my office (that had found its existence in a place you can't really believe exists unless and until you visit it...Well, it's better not discussed)...

In about ten minutes found my friend waiting for me and he, knowing my craze for coffee, let me decide that we sat in the coffee shop...As we sipped on our personal favourites, we started discussing anything and everything that makes sense and also that is far from making sense...But we enjoyed this little break from an otherwise powerpacked day...As we mocked each other, and made fun out of nothing, also got into discussing things that made their marks on the list of our life priorities...And that's when he told about one of the sweetest love stories I have heard till date, and yes, you guessed it right, it is of his own...

Being a guy, busy in his mischivious bests, and one who shies away from girls, this friend of mine was an all-surrounded-by-guys-and-no-girls type...And he managed to continue the same way till he completed his graduation...And then it was time for an MBA and he landed up in Bangalore...Well, that time he didn't have an idea that Bangalore was about to offer much more than just a degree...Fresh out of college and on the verge of starting a grown up life, yes, it was the time to forget the world and get busy with the fun of maturing...And that's when it happened...

It was the first week in college, and he, along with his gang were loitering in the campus...That was the time, he saw her...With her large transparent kohl applied eyes, she glanced at him as she walked by...Nobody would have noticed it and even if they did, it was just another incident for them...But, who knew, that was a moment his world started changing...Somehow he couldn't stop himself from staring into those eyes and he gathered his courage to walk upto her to say something, 'Hey, you have got very beautiful eyes'...Well, a simple and common line, that every guy has tried atleast once in their life...But, in his case, it was something, he had said for the first time and most importantly he had meant it...Well, as it should be, the girl paid the least heed to it, and came a rude reply from her, 'I already know it'...It was obvious she didn't believe him, and for many, it would have been something like 'The story was over before it started'...

But, destiny make us do the most unususal, the most shocking and the craziest things which we don't really believe we can do...Yes, the same thing repeated with my friend too...The guy who used to prefer staying atleast half a kilometre away from girls, started gathering his courage together to steal few glances from this girl...He made sure the minutest opportunity to come face to face with the girl doesn't get slipped away, the smallest occasion to strike a conversation doesn't get blown away, and most importantly the slightest moment of looking into those dark deep eyes doesn't get missed out...Yes, finally, it was time he was in love...People do all crazy and idiotic things in love, he did too...He always tried to make things happen in a way that gave him little more time with her...He always got into the team where she was, for his group presentations, he always sat at the table where she ate her lunch, and one day, they became friends...And then they became the best of friends...All these time, things kept happening...The guy, who was uncontrollable turned into one composed and matured being, he found his balance in life and most importantly found someone who could calm his wild side down, with just few words...

And, then, one day he gathered his courage once again, to propose to her...Most obviously she refused...She had her reasons...They had differences of their own...They were from completely different backgrounds, societies and cultures...But, when love happens, other reasons lose their depth and meanings...People also say, you wait for a lifetime for the one you love...He did too...He was determined to wait for her till she changed her mind to accept him, cuz he believed with his heart and soul, that she was his...He proposed to her again...And she had the same reply again...This went on, and on, and on...Time passed by, and it was almost two and a half years...In this duration, he repeated his proposal everyday, without fail...He truly believed in his love and knew it will make things fine one day...And, it did happen...One fine day, he got the answer he was waiting for all those years...She was ready to be with him for the rest of her life...

Today, they are married...Few days back, they had completed six months of their happily married life too...Well, they are having a beautiful time, coloured with love of true partners, understanding of true friends, faith of true matured individuals and companionship of two travellers moving ahead towards the same destination...Neither of them has speculated what's in store, but they know, whatever it is, they will walk together, always, hand in hand, and this will make their journey one they would always love to carry on, and on...Well, now, that is what I call a perfect story...

We finished our coffee, so did my friend his story...But, that didn't end the glitters in his eyes...The glitters that the thought of his lovely wife had brought to his eyes...Neither did end my pleasant amusement...Me being someone who lives for love, get transported to a land of fairytales every time a love story finds its way to my heart...And, this one, being a true and happy story, found all the more reasons to make me get the little drops of tears that appear in my eyes everytime I'm happy...I was touched by the purity and innocence of it, was driven by the insanity and craziness of my friend, and most importantly was happy with the successful and happy continuation of it...Who says, love is painful...It's not...'Cuz, it brings out the best in you...It gives you reasons to be strong...It makes you go through thrills...And most importantly, it gives you someone, who would walk with you by your side...All along...All your life...

I'm happy for my friend, who knew how to love truly...I'm happy for his lovely wife, who made him complete...I'm happy for their union, which gave their love story a happy ending, or should I say an all new happy beginning...And, I know, this will last for a lifetime...'Cuz, it's based on the most pure feelings on earth...That is LOVE...

Wish, all the love stories in the world get to the heights, they ideally should...And wish, love brings all the positivity and energy to one's life...And, most importantly, let's do our bit, to let love find its way to our lives and shower us with all the goodness of it...'Cuz love can make you someone who you thought you can never be...

Cheers to love...

A WAIT...UNDER THE STARLIT SKY...

Well, it's been a week, I'm in this city...The city which is an ocean of memories I had created over a period of time and which have always been very important parts of my life...And after staying away from this place for a year and a half, I'm back again...No doubt, I was bound to be back, owing to the fact that the city had a much more stronger connection with me than I had imagined...And, this connection didn't let me build a new one with any other place, and now I'm back here...And everytime I walk on the clean, broad, calm roads, I get amused with the warmth that everything in the city radiates, I get amazed with the positivity that the vibes carry, and my heart leaps with joy with every touch of the freshness the city lets me experience...And, with each of these moments my heart blesses me for coming back to this place...A smile spreads on my lips...And my eyes twinkle...

But then, everytime I walk on the streets, everytime I smell the freshness, and everytime I try pulling my hair back from the attacking breeze, I get a sudden rush in my heart..A rush of emotions, and a rush os chills through my veins, I get nostalgic, and at the same time, without me wishing for it, realize that I’m suddenly not that happy stepping into the city…I realize, the excitement with which I had started my second innings in the city doesn’t exist anymore..I realize a sudden sadness engulfs me which also makes me not want to explore the city I otherwise love so much…I otherwise die to be in…I otherwise long to be back to…I realize the days ahead that I’ll be in the city, are not going to be that easy for me to handle…

And, then I realize, I know the reason... The reason is you...Unlike the last few years, this time, you are not waiting for me in this place…You’re not waiting to make me endlessly talk about the days that I was away from you…You're not waiting for me to let me rest in your arms…And most importantly, you’re not waiting for me to make me realize how lucky I feel to be with you….Yes, I come back to a place, which is full of memories… memories of you and me...Every corner of which reminds me of you…The chilling breeze across my face, the calmness on the long and black deserted roads, the packed shopping places, the empty parks on both the sides of the unending road, the never ending traffics, the red, blue, orange city buses,…everything reminds me of you…And, the rush in my heart turns into an ache..I realize, my eyes desperately want to be damp, but I try my best not to let them be….

I step into the coffee shop round the corner; just next to the small bus stop…I occupy the same seat next to the glass covered balcony, which we always managed to get… I order a coffee, the same one which we always use to order…As I sip on to my coffee, which tastes exactly the same as it always used to be, I look around…The tubs are still the same with the same green and white leaves…The steel chairs are the same, with the beige seats….Most of the tables are occupied with the same kind of people, students, young executives, old couples…Yes, everything is still the same…Everything…The only thing that is unlike before, is that you are not with me anymore…

I walk by the flower shop where we always used to buy flowers from…As I pass by, the guy recognizes me and asks me how I’ve been doing…I smile at him, and pick up the red roses..The similar roses that you used to buy for me…He asks me, if I want to buy them….I buy two of them, exactly the way you used to buy me, with the leaves on it…They smell exactly the same, fresh and enticing…They have the same red vibrancy and the fragrant freshness…They still makes me close my eyes as I breathe the fragrance in….Yes, everything is exactly the same…Everything.. The only thing that is unlike before, is that you are not with me anymore…

Yes, everywhere I go, I realize, everything around is just the same it had always been...The crowd, the surroundings, the shops, the lanes, the trees, the breeze and most importantly the feeling that had always made me realize, life is just so good...The warmth, the vibes and the simple wish to be laid back, everything still feels the same, the way it was...But, this time, I feel it alone, unlike before, when it was 'We'...And, somehow, experiencing the same feeling this way doesn't make me that happy, the way it had before, 'cuz, somehow, with you everything had a completely different meaning...With you, my happiness came in each bits and pieces of even the most ordinary...With you, I was always in a world of dreams, passion and joy...And, even if I didn't have a way to realize the same that time, today, most certainly I do...And, everytime I stroll on this city roads, my realization strengthens, twice the more...

The sun sets, and the clear sky looks like a studded mattress...And as I look up to the starlit sky from my terrace, I feel the pang at heart, of you not being around...Someday, on a similar terrace like this, we had decided to write our story, yours and mine, on the same page...On a similar evening like this, we had decided to build a world of our own...Under a similar sky like today's we had promised each other, to bring every possible happiness to each other's feet...And, thus we had decided, that the rest of our life would be one that we would experience together...

But, today, none of those stands a meaning...None of those will ever be true, and if I try viewing from a single angle, each of what we dreamt together, seems nothing but sheer waste...But, if I see and analyze in a deeper way, they were not...Because, those were the moments, my future was built on...Those were what made me gather strengths to wait for the unseen future, and those were what made me realize, no matter what, life is about experiencing the beauty and letting the ugliness pass by...And, today, as I lie below the sky that is no less than a dreamy canvas, I realize, you being not a part of my today has its reason...A reason, that I didn't realize that day, when you moved away from me and might have not realized today too, when I'm longing for you...But, my faith says, one day, under the same sky I would know, why my story doesn't have you in it anymore, why your page in my diary got closed and why your shadow doesn't unite with mine anymore...And that day, I would have the smile on my lips, which has refused to appear at this moment; I will have the glitter on my eyes, which has no trace this evening; and most importantly my heart will beat in the way, it is not able to beat tonight...

Yes, with all my heart, I will wait for that moment to come; cuz, I know it's round the corner...And will reach me very very soon...

THESE DAYS...I"M ME....

These days, I'm me
With my smile intact on my lips
With my peace intact in my mind
And, with my feelings intact in my heart....

These days, I'm me
Without any tears in my eyes
Without any pain in my soul
And, without any troubles in my life....

Yes, these days
I don't think of you anymore
I don't cry for you anymore
And, I don't need you anymore....

Yes, these days
I have let your memories die
I have made your story end in my life
And, I have freed myself from your shadow....

With you, I had a fairy tale and I was a damsel in distress
But, without you, I'm me, the stronger, braver and fearless self
And, that's how
I have found me....

Yes, these days, I'm me....

CHANGLI MUMBAI...AAMCHI MUMBAI...

From my diary: Sunday, 30th Oct, 2011

Well, my packing is done, I can see all my packed red bags from my bed too...Yes, just a few hours left for me in this city...It's time I look back and see what the city made me go through...It's also the time to open up my heart to the ones who made a difference in my life in the city...

Mumbai...The city where I had landed up, completely because of some strange twists in life, because of some unknown coincidences and most importantly because I was destined to...And barring few not-so-happy mismatches, the city offered me much more than I had thought while landing up for the first time...It showed me many many more facets of life than I had seen in my entire life...It had made me aware of much more depth of being alive than I could have ever realized...It had made me witness many many more incidents and accidents than my mind can ever store...And most importantly, it had made me learn to face life in a much more maturity than I could ever imagine...Yes, it has also made me shed much much much more tears than I had ever done in my life, but we would not talk about that, because end of the day, every wiped off teardrop makes one lesser for the future...So, it's alright to shed some, as long as you learn to wipe them off...And, most positively, I've learnt to...So have no complaints...

The very first time when I had visited Mumbai I was kind of lost in the hustles and bustles of the city...Coming from a city which sleeps early and where laid back is the most common attitude, Mumbai seemed a fast running local train to me...It took little time for me to digest the fact that everybody here runs at a speed which takes little effort to match up, atleast for the likes of me...And this effort brings an overpowering energy to those who try to really keep up to the speed that he wants to run with...The city truly never sleeps, as everybody says, and also never lets you lose your dream...No doubt people call it the city of dreams...And if you take a closer look, the city has something that you don't find anywhere else...And that is the vibe that makes you discover your own self...And this is something I will love Mumbai for...

Well, life in Mumbai is an eclectic mix of experiences...Some in bits, some in pieces, and also some in huge slices...Also, some comes like the cherry on the top of a sumptuous cake...But, each of these brings a completely different view to life, and that surely leaves one in positive vibes, also occupied, to relish the beauty of life..Somebody had someday told me. Mumbai brings energy to your soul, and I completely agree to it...Mumbai lets you explore your own soul and thereby makes you witness the inner aura of yourself, leading to rediscovering your strengths...Mumbai does so much justice to your persuation of dreams....It reveals so many facets of a single life and thus lets you pick the one you are most comfortable with...

In a true meaning, I never explored the real vibes of the city...I always kept myself away from the little pleasures of enjoying the city like a true Mumbaikar does...My sad phobias towards a bundle of things fueled this up...Couldn't do some real travelling in local trains (which was a sheer amazement for me when I first experienced local trains), couldn't ever go and sit by the sea side in the evenings and lose myself in the coastal vibes, never really tasted the widely talked about strretfoods, couldn't indulge in street shopping in Colaba and most unfortunately failed to explore Mumbai aimlessly on an off day or on a late night...But then, what I did in this city is something I will cherish all my life...

A set of things came on my way in this city, which makes so much sense in my life...When I came to this place I knew what I wanted...And that was only one person...My whole story in Mumbai revolved around that person and apart from that I had nothing in my sight...I needed everything from that person, all the love, all the care, all the attention and life meant only that...But apparently, one day woke up with the realization that it was not going to be the way I wanted...That person was already miles away from me and me being all alone in this unknown city was the only truth in my life..And by the time I was ready with my next move I was convinced with a fact that it's time my self search started...I was in a stage where I needed to realize what I wanted from life and what could make me happy to be me...Well, I always knew what I wanted to do in my life (at least for my own sake), but never had the courage to say nothing to the ones who had wanted a different meaning in my life..And, strangely enough this time. I had the courage to give my interest a shot...Finally, got into a job, very close to my interest and one fine morning discovered that, yes I was in love with what I was doing...Well, it didn't seem so easy, when practicality stroke, but it did make me go through a roller coaster ride...And, this ride was no less than a journey of a lifetime...It brought few people in my life, whom I could look upto, who made me realize my strengths, who constantly made me feel that I was loved and supported, and whom I will treasure all my life...And, I will thank Mumbai all my life for this...

Mumbai teaches you things no other place can do...Every morning is a new one, cuz it brings something new on your plate...Every cab ride makes you witness something unique on the road, every signal shows you an all new facet of life, and everyone you come across has a story to tell...You think I'm exaggerating...Hell, no...I witnessed an all new incident and accident in the 5 minutes ride to office every morning...If I come across an arrogant teenager fighting with her mom in a BMW one morning, I see one with a little kid by her side begging, the next morning...If I get a ride by a driver who politely gives back your change till the last 50 paise one morning, the next I land up in someone's cab who starts abusing you for not carrying change and ends up keeping your 8 bucks cuz you couldn't give 2 rupees change..If I meet an old aunty in her 60s buying a Valentine's Day card for her husband, I also happen to meet young couples in the coffee shops fighting constantly without bithering about people hearing them...If I find myself sitting in a corner of the same coffee shop, all alone with half of the items on the menu on my table, I also see gang of friends chatting, giggling and having a time of pure pleasure over their shared coffee and sandwiches....What a mix of experiences this city makes happen to your life...And, the best part of all of it is, you start to realize you are alive...

Good, bad, ugly and mesmerising...Yes I had all kinds if experience in Mumbai...On one hand, this city made me a stronger person, on the other it hit my confidence and brought it down...Learnt to fight back every blow on my face, but also learnt that crticism is such a part and percel of life...While I always liked to just get into a cab and roam in the old Mumbai, it always put me off when few lost souls threw unnecessary attention everytime I was out...Now, that is bad...But, nonetheless, nothing major sadness happened, and I didn't have to use my taekwondo skills anywhere...So, I have no serious complaints...

I think, talking about Mumbai and not discussing monsoon, well that's a complete sin...The beautiful showers here are some of the best experiences one can go through...Late May, or early June, when the first downpour wets the soil, you experience complete fantasy...The muddy smell soothes your nasals, the silvery droplets caress your body and the soft coolness just gets into your nerves...You see only dreams, you experience only dreams and your world turns into one dreamland...And if you are little expressive, thoughts overpour into your head, and if you put them down, trust me you can be a lyricist...You get inspired to fall in love, with the ones you already love, with the ones around you, with things lifeless and with things you have never even seen...In a word, your life changes, in a fairytale way, with love being your life, and hatred being something you've never known...And, you forget the bad, forgive the guilty and renew your life...Such purity and soulful inspiration monsoon brings to Mumbai...Well, you do face problems pouring on your way, like the continuous downpours, but once you are out there getting drenched in the rain, all your complaints, irritation, and gloomyness just get washed off...And, if you can dance in the rain, well, you need to experience it, you can trust me on this one...

Can I ever finish talking about Mumbai...Never...So, here I wind up...But not before revealing the reasons, why I fell for the city so deep...First, it's the fact that in Mumbai, I got to know what I'm going to be in my life...Well, this bit is still better not revealed, but I know someday I will do what I'm meant to...Second, it's few people whom I got to know in this place...Some people whom I always thought I knew, but turned out to be strangers...And, some people, I met new, but ended up being someone, I have placed at the bottom of my heart...Somehow, I give myself a pat on my back, for choosing to set of this journey, otherwise I might not have witnessed what I did, otherwise...And, I will love Mumbai for this one, always...

My bags are packed, and as the morning comes I'll set of...But, along with my luggage, I will also carry a new world with me...A world, I created in Mumbai, all alone, with few people I will love all my life...I didn't do extraordinary things here, but learnt to find happiness in ordinary things...Didn't accomplish anything highly recomendable, but recognized what I'm meant to accomplish...Didn't achieve big stars, but figured out what does it take to achieve real peace in life...And, most importantly, I will remember Mumbai for being a real fairytale for me with its eclectic mix of uncertain, astonishing but amazingly pleasant facets...

Well, truly Mumbai changli ahe...Aamchi Mumbai it is and will be for me...Always...

LET'S MAKE A WISH THIS DIWALI...

From my Diary: Thursday, Oct 27th, 2011

As I pass by the lightened up city streets, a sense of pure magic sets in my nerves...It's after a really long time that I've seen the nocturnal beauty of this city...Mumbai really looks lovely at night, and when it's Diwali, undoubtedly the level of this beuty is multiplied...And, witnessing these endless lights in red, blue, yellow, purple and all other possible shades, my heart fills with endless joy...Well, as always (everytime I'm happy) endless thoughts are pouring into my mind, and I've opened the word application on my handphone to type down those (which I always do)...

As I start with my flowery poetries focusing on the lights, I realize my cab is stuck in the trafic...Traffic in Mumbai can't get more insane than anywhere else in India...But, surprisingly enough today it's really less as compared to a normal day, and probably that's why I have realized only now that I'm in traffic...As I look up and then outside through the cab, I realize, this is a slum area...It's not exactly slum, but under the flyovers, these guys have made their temporary (or permanant) huts with thick sack like materials...As I get really irritated with the fact that my cab didn't get any better place than this one (truly speaking these slum areas make me get scared, for some unknown reasons) and try closing the window, I catch sight of one of these huts in a closer way...There are 5 to 6 small kids in the hut, all below ten years of age...Before I could see if they were alone in the hut, the signal gets cleared and my cab leaves the place...But, I realize I have left my eyes and mind back at that place (and I do it so often with any incident)...I also realize, the picture of those malnurished kids, on a sack, in poor lights will haunt me, atleast for next few hours and at some point, will make me shed a drop or two of my tears...

They say, every brightness has a side that is totally dark...And, after seeing those little kids, I realize I can't agree more on this...In the same city (or should I say, on the same street), millions of lights are shouting out the happiness, joy and pride of prosperity, and on the other hand, innocent kids are lying on rough sack in almost darkness...Nor that, anyone can directly be blamed for this, but somewhere somehow (and probably long long ago) something had terribly gone wrong, and that has led to this extreme inequality in the lives of us...And, sad truth is that, however and as much as we want to deny, this inequality doesn't make anyone happy...We might decide to ignore noticing the poors on the streets (because that is so much safer than feeling guilty of having them around), but deep down, we feel sad for them...Their hungry eyes surely make us try helping them find ways to earn an extra rupee, but we genuinly avoid it, because end of the day, we know we cannot do much for them, because we have our own battles to fight...It's really so helpless of a situation...At this moment, I feel the same...While enjoying the brightness of the lights seem so indulging, I'm not able to make myself ignore the thousand dark moments that those little kids have already witnessed and will witness in their little lives...

I close my eyes for a while...And, pray in silence...Suddenly, I feel lighter...I realize, if not anything else, we can pray...Pray for millions of those kids who can't really manage to enjoy the lights around...I remember myself reading somewhere, that when you pray, some kind of energy is generated, because at that point, all of your attention is concentrated on the prayer you say...And when you pray in a group, a group of individual energy is generated, and if everyone is praying for the same thing, all of this energy is accumulated in favour of the cause, and thus the prayers come true...It might be only a logical definition, but, at the end of the day, faith does work...So, here goes a little request to all of you reading this write up...

Let's take out a moment from our busy schedule of indulgence and happiness, let's pause for a moment while enjoying the endless goodness we are ushered with, and let's make a wish...A wish for the ones, who are deprived of anything close to what we enjoy, who are cruelly cheated on by luck, who are mourning victims of the badness that this world has to offer....Yes, let's pray for all of them...For them, to be blessed with atleast some rays of these million lights...To be ushered with atleast some bites of the indulgence of this festive spirit...To be engaged with atleast few drops of the endless joy we experiencing...To be enlightened with few glimpse of their own hearty smiles...And, to be showered with the ecstatic feeling that, they also belong to this world, with a priceless gift from God, called 'Life'...

Yes, as we witness thousands firworks lighting up the sky, as we savour the scrumptuous delicacies flavoured with the festive touch, as we enter in a magical world with thousand lighted lamps around, as we keep our faith alive of good winning over bad, and as we celebrate the festival of hope, Diwali, let's also wish for all...To be ushered with all the happiness, love and prosperity... Let's wish, everyone out there gets the priceless opportunity, to see the light, and to create memories that they can treasure for life...With million moments of pure love, affection and warmth...

'Left or right', the cab driver asks me, which makes me stop writing, and look up...I realize, I have almost reached...I ask him to stop the cab in front of my building...As I pay him his dues, he wishes me 'Happy Diwali Ma'am'...I kind of get surprised...Some people really know how to make others smile...'Happy Diwali to you too', I wish him back...

As I walk up the stairs, I realise, I haven't carried the mental picture of those little kids home...Because, I have sketched it in my word doc...And, here I go with uploading it on my social networking page...With a hope, that you all will agree to make a wish...A wish for millions of those mourning souls, down every lightened up street in the city...

Happy Diwali to you all....

THAT LI'L KID, HIS DAD AND SOME PLAIN LUCK...

Uff...Finally I was relieved...The horrible fever that had stuck itself to my harmless tiny body was giving me enough pain for me to start hating it...Top of that hospital, doctor, blood check up, medicines, diet restriction and blah blah blah...Altogether, I was in almost a frustrating mode...And, yeah, how can I forget my own people's continuous rings on my phone and also their mournings over my illness...Well, these mournings actually made me feel that it's thousand time better not to witness my own sickness, at least for the sake of the ones who care for me as if I'm a little kid...Really, ufff...

As the afternoon started, and as I realised I was little better I decided to take myself out for a walk...Sleeping almost 40 hrs in the stuffed room had made me feel suffocated to the core, and I was really in need of some fresh air, and not to mention some warm coffee (actually chilled, but owing to my pathetically infected throat, hot cuppacino was all I could afford)...I convinced my roommate and aunty to let me go for a walk (of course after making thousand promises including the one not to have anything cold and of course junks) and finally I was out of my place...

Within fifteen minutes of a slow and indulging walk in the afternoon shade, I picked up my coffee, packed few choco cookies (purely out of frustration of not able to taste anything with my fever struck tongue) and greedily stared at all the chilled coffees the coffee shop guys were placing on the tables...I cancelled my plan of sitting down in the coffee shop and decided it would be best if I left right then, cuz, knowing myself well, I knew that if I stayed back, in next ten minutes I would order a chilled coffee too, and would end up gulping it down, and by evening I would again be attacked by my idiotic fever...I got all my things parcelled and walked out of the place...And of course, all the while cursing my feverish self...

As I walked towards home, decided to stay outside a little longer...The weather was fine, if not really pleasant, and the fresh air had really made me feel good...Also, Diwali decoration had made the entire colony look just amazing...Colourful little bulbs were hanging from all around, Chinese design inspired red lights were royally staring from all across and it was very obvious for one to imagine that once the afternoon turns into evening, the place would look no less than a fairyland...I was really happy, and decided to sit down at the corner of the long staircases of the private bank and finish my coffee...The place I chose to sit down was one such that I could see the entire street, including the small huts that existed by the under constructed 15 storey building, which lot of people said, was going to be a super luxury shopping mall and also high end residential blocks...Well, by then I would be gone from this place, I told myself as I shifted my attention from the building and it's sky high net covered skeleton...

As my soul started getting soaked in the beautiful afternoon, I saw a little boy coming and sitting few steps away from my feet...He had an old ludo board in his hand, and as he placed it next to him, I wondered what he intended to do next...Well, he sat quietly for a while, stared at me and my phone a couple of times and then again kept things to himself...I kept sipping my coffee and as I did, kept typing relentlessly on my phone (well, that's one habbit I can't get rid off, typing things that comes to my mind every now and then)...Didn't know how much time had passed, but as I looked up after finishing with my typing, I found the little guy again staring at me...

This time, irritated, I called him, 'Hey, come here...What's your name?' 'Bittu', he said in a softer voice than I expected...That made my suddenly rising temperature come down...In a much better and softer way I asked again, 'Why you staring at me? It's bad to stare at strangers na'...Keeping his gaze fixed to the floor, he said, 'I just wanted to ask you if you want to play with me...I have no friends to play with you see'...If this had come from an older guy, he would have definitely got a dose of my kicks, but coming from a little kid (of hardly 6 or 7), it made me feel really bad...I asked him why he didn't have friends...And next ten minutes, I knew the story of a little kid, with a past that still haunted his presence and with a future that would never be the way it was supposed to be (or atleast that is what happens in our country, unless and until there happens some miracle)...

This little kid, Bittu had never seen his dad...When he was 2 years old his dad died in some accidents, which his mom never explained excatly to him...His mom worked as a maid, to 5 households, and that made her run from one place to another everyday...She worked hard and had plans like any oher mom, of making Bittu a big man one day...And, Bittu, as much as a little kid he was, seemed to understand his mom and her dreams completely...He did all his home work alone, after school hours never went out with friends to play and never nagged his mom for anything, not even for her time...His mom always told him to go out, play and brought him everything she could afford, and Bittu told me, it always hurt him, for his mom spending all the money she hard-earned, on him...'I don't need so many things na Didi, but mom gives me so much'...I stared with beyond amazement, at this little kid, at this age he talked like someone with a life long experience...And that made me wonder about millions of those kids (sadly, including me), who had guiltlessly taken all the advantages from their parents, and still not being content...

I looked back down the time lane, and saw myself at Bittu's age...At 6, I was one of the most difficult kids, well, atleast my entire clan still says so...Pampered by all, and unofficially crowned as Dad's Princess, everybody had a tough time dealing with me...Cribbing (in my own dignified way), nagging (in my own style of silence) and demanding (with a no-word-and-a-sweet-smile) were my shadows, and strangely enough I was lucky enough to have everybody around me doing their bit for my smile...Such a bad kid I was...Thanks to God, in the later years, I tried learning to be better, and thanks to my loved ones, I'm a much better person now...Well, I'm so sure that there exist at least a million like me, who have never had to face something like this little kid Bittu, at age 6...I'm so sure there are millions of us who have never seen actual struggle and tough times...Yes, I know, there are also thousands like Bittu, who have never had the luxury of actually being a child and enjoying the innocent childhood joys, are deprived of enjoying the best gift of childhood, that is his parents' true company...

Yes, the most startling statement by this kid was something to do about his parents' company...He told me, he always felt sad that his mom cared for him way too much...But, he felt sadder, for the fact that he could never tell his mom that his actual happiness lied in her company, rather than the toy car that she bought him...'I know, she has to work...I know she works for me...But, you see, I miss her...I miss my dad too...I have never seen him, but so many times I have dreamt of him...Me sleeping between him and mom...But, you see, I don't have a dad...And, that's a fact...So as much as I dream, in real I will always have to sleep alone'...Bittu said...Well, it was one of those rare afternoons and rare conversations, when I had few words to say in return...I had no way to tell this little kid things which can match upto his depth of thinking and intelligence...But, kids are kids, for, he said again, 'I like those days when I'm not well...Mom comes home early, and sits next to my bed and strokes my hair...She makes me sleep in her lap...But, being sick for too long is also bad, she starts crying and all...But, I really like to fall sick once in a while, for mom to come home early and sit with me'...

The whole sudden incident of meeting this little kid, knowing his story and realizing the same was real heavy on me...At least after my two days long medical torture, I was not in a situation to really digest it...I decided to lighten things a little...I opened the choco cookies and handed couple of them to him...I guess, by now this innocent soul had considered me as his friend...So he took the cookies...We munched them together...At a point we finished them...As I threw the box to the dustbin, I asked him, where did he live...He pointed to the back of the bank, only then I realized that these stairs were his everyday waiting place, for his mom to return...I said someday I will come and meet his mom, and said bye to him as I started walking towards home in the narrow lane...

The lights were turned on by then...They had made the place look really heavenly...I looked back, Bittu was still sitting in the same place...I felt a sudden pang in my stomach...A little kid, of mere 6, waiting for his only parent to come back home...A little soul who longed for little pampering from his parents...A unlucky little life, whose misfotune took his dad away from him and also kept him away from his mom's caring arms cuz, she has to make sure that he survived...And, someone, who would have to grow up this way, would be a teenager one day, a young boy one day and a matured man one day, yet would never realize what it is to have a caring and pampering dad around...What it is to chat with mom, over dinner, what it is to have small arguements with mom with him and dad being one team, and also the other way around, what it is to have a complete family...Cuz, fate had really played hard on this innocent boy, first taking his dad away from him, and second making his mom fighting for both of their survival...And, I knew, Bittu is not the only one in this world to have such a fate...The thought of realizing the count scared me...To the core...And I pushed these thoughts away...

I dialled my dad's no...Him, being the one person in my life, whose single word makes my fear vanish, is whom I call when I'm in a situation that makes me sweat...'Yeah Aaimy (my dad calls me that), you feeling better na, I thought you're sleeping, so didn't call baby', dad said with a worried tone, as he picked up my call...As I said I was fine and was taking a walk outside, he seemed relieved...I was relieved too, talking to him anyday made me a stronger person, but today, it really made me feel how lucky I was to have him in my life...As he was keeping down the phone after ten minutes, I said, suddenly, and abruptly, 'Dita, I love you, and I miss you...All the time'...My dad might have surely thought, medicines had made me go into trance, turning me real emotional...But, he wouldn't know, I had really meant those words...More than anything I had ever said in my life to anyone...