GUILT....AND A BROKEN HEART..........

Just had a glance in the mirror...An unknown strangeness hit me back on my face...Getting it difficult to believe it is me...Dark hollow eyes...charmless face.....And continuously flowing tears.....Is that really me....And if yes what has made me be this....For the first time in ages I'm feeling guilty for ruining myself this way....Desperately trying to search for the eyes that had the glitters to brighten up the around...That had dreams to make something big in life....But now the ones that are being reflected on the mirror are surely not the same ones….And the realization of the truth somehow brings me sheer pain…..Some unknown aches crop up and it just tears my heart apart....

People say ups and down are rules of life….But when these happen at the most unrealistic manner faith gets lost….I guess at this point in my life, me too is in the same circumstances…..Where losing faith on things that were supposed to be my strengths….Losing trust on people and getting it difficult to realize the flow of life…In a word losing the track on which I should move on….I know there is no way anyone can help me unless and until I do myself…But the difficult part is things don't really happen the way we want them to be….And it is difficult to accept the reality and that's how people ruin their lives…..

I guess I'm doing the same too….Ruining life for things which are not meant to be mine….People not meant to be for me….And the worst part, I'm not being able to make my weak heart understand this fact…Might be cuz I took things pretty seriously when they were not supposed to be taken that way….Might be cuz I believed in dreams more seriously than I should ideally have…Might be I believed in promises more seriously when they were just made to be broken….But who does realize the consequences or rather who wants to realize the consequences of a flow when it is in full pace…….The effect is analyzed only when the story gets over….Only aftermaths make us realize that it was a nightmare….I'm realizing the same now….When things kept getting out of track I didn’t realize they were so…When things kept going haywire I didn’t know how to stop it…And now when things are at their edges I suddenly realize I should have acted li'l more cautiously…..

All I realize now is that my dreams are broken…..my heart is broken….It might not have sounded much to others' ears but it surely was a great fall…It is broken in way that can't be mended any day….And might be that's what I deserve….Just feel li'l lost cuz I was promised to be helped out everytime I go wrong…I was promised to be held hands everytime my steps shiver…I was promised to be never left alone…But it has happened….And it just leaves a pang in my stomach…Not cuz my dreams got shattered….neither cuz I ended up being alone….Nor cuz I was deceived by my own people….I'm lost cuz a sense of guilt has cropped in my mind….For not being able to do justice for the things which mattered the most for me….For not being able to make my people understand that I cared for them too….Equally….or might be more than they did…..But that couldn’t happen….And now there is no way it can be possible again….

The image in the mirror….desperate in search of finding a way out to come out of a guilt...yes, the image will never be the same again….The innocence, charm, confidence and the joy has gone lost from the face for lifelong…And all it can think of now is to survive somehow…in this world of sufferings…all alone…all by herself….and waiting with a hope…..A hope that, someday somewhere there would be an end to this pain….And most importantly the GUILT…..

N……TATS HOW MY STORY GOES……

Wandering thoughts…..lost soul…..And psychic state of mind……Yeah….All that describes INSANITY…..And at this point that's what the state of my mind is…..And undoubtedly that is caused by nothing but my lost love…..Or rather ‘the feeling of lost love’……Yeah that's more accurate…THE FEELING…….Even if the truth holds something else yet the feeling of doubt complicates life….And without letting me find a scope to CONTROL my emotions it is making me paralyzed….Paralyzed in the worst way possible….And when I look for the reason which is breaking me down I clearly see it…..And that is my GUILT….And yeah….That's my guilt….The guilt of hurting some true emotions….The guilt of being a stubborn heavy header….The guilt of being arrogant at the point of need……And the guilt of breaking some heart as violently as I could….The worst part was when the heart was broken it didn’t sound much….And that made me unaware of the breakage…..And since I lacked so called ‘understanding’ and a ‘long-sightedness’ I couldn’t even realize that the reason of the crack in the delicate heart was ME….The insane, arrogant, head-strong me……..

Paulo Coelho says…’Love is the most constructive feeling….at the same time it is the most destructive one too’….How true he is…..When love acted as the constructive force on me, I made it have the destructive effect on the heart which made me feel like a princess….Which thought of me as the last resort….Which made even my heart skip faster….And which made me see a fairy tale world……And me, blinded with my arrogance and insanity didn’t realize it when I should have….Instead I kept playing with that heart….Kept making that heart weep….And kept ignoring the pain piling on it…..And when it broke the blood spilled on me…..And that's when I realized what had I done…..The realization made me bit sensible…But alas…It was late….Cuz there was nothing left in that heart anymore….Not even the strength to shed tears any more…..And surprisingly it made me change….In an unexpected way….It made me grow up….Made me realize what pain is….And the realization also brought the worst feeling one could ever possibly have…..yeah….that's GUILT…..

When one feels guilty he is destroyed….Cuz all he can think of is to go back to the past and clean up the mess he created……All he can think of is the ‘what if’ element of life….All he can realize is how destructive he had been all the time….And all these feelings lead to only one conclusion…..Loss of peace of mind….One starts living in the past, rather in the point in which the mistakes were made….And he starts thinking of all the ways possible,in which those could be undone….That ends up in insanity….in frustration….in confusion….And it gives one nothing but pain…Yeah….I'm in pain too…Cuz I too wish I could go back to the moment when I was plotting my unknown plan of breaking the heart which had been beating for me all the while….And yeah now I feel guilty…confused…frustrated….And mostly INSANE…..

There is no end to my guilt….Nor does to my insanity……And this deadly combination has overtaken the page on which my story is being written….There is no end to any of it…..The deadlier the combination gets the more dramatic my story turns out to be…There comes ups....downs…laughter… tears….confusions…. clarifications…love…hatred…..and….drama….And some more drama….There is really no end to these……

And that is how my story goes…..on and on…..And on…..AND ON….

A TRIBUTE 2 LOVE.......A SIMPLE CONFESSION......

It s been quite sumtyme I ve been tryin my best 2 take ‘love’ outta my life….put ‘passion’ in a backseat ….n keep ‘romance’ s d last in my priority list….but sadly it s not happenin….it s not owin 2 d fact tat at dis point of life m madly n passionately in love wid sum1….nor 4 d fact tat romance s all I ve been experiencin 24/7 all through….but it s cuz I’ve been passionately in love wid every bit of my life since I didn’t even no wat ‘love’ n ‘passion’ meant…..I rem lovin each n everythin I do n every bit of whatever comes on my way…..cant really say y so but I stil rem lovin even every bit of my pain n struggle in life….probably tat s cuz I love 2 b in love…doesn’t matter wid wat…..

People say ‘Love makes d world go round’……n I say love makes everythin green n floral…..yeah….tats true….love d rain, it ll softly drench u n make ur heart skip……love d flower, it ll amuse u n make u smile….love d wind, it ll make ur hand play wid ur hair…..love, love n some more love…..n world s so beautiful….once u r in love everythin falls on track….u can fyte any damn prob….u can afford 2 jump in any trouble n u can afford 2 think d unexpected….n tats how u can make d impossible possible….n best thin abt love s once u r in love u r 4ever in love….doesnt matter how much u try u ll never learn 2 hate…u ll 4ver love…

Now wen I think I realize, tat s wat happens 2 me all d tyme…..I fall in love wid sumthin n stay in it 4ever….n d truth s, it s not bad at all….cuz at least it makes me happy….makes me laugh..…n makes me hope 4 d best tyme 2 come….it makes me keep my faith alive….n never lets me get exhausted of d roughness of life…. life s anyway short….so if half of it goes by bein in love or rather bein melted in it wats d point makin life complicated by tryin 2 come outta it….if fallin outta love means makin urself cry n curse love y do we need 2 do it….it s easy 2 live life wid love rather than widout….so wats d point in cribbin abt a few minor adjustments wen u gettin ‘love’ in return which s 1 of d best feelin possibly existin on earth…..

People say love s painful…I say it s thrillin…..people say love shouldnt happen…. I say it s d most important of all happenins….people say u lose urself in love…I say we discover ourselves in it….people say love s madness….I say it s faith…. people say love s useless…. I say it s EVERYTHIN……yeah…..it s everythin 1 needs 2 ve in life….watever 1 does in life, isn’t it 4 his love 4 sum or d other thin in life…. B it 4 his love 4 life….b it 4 his love 4 his loved ones…b it 4 d love 4 his passion….or b it his love 4 his responsibilities….at d end it s 4 his love 4 sumthin….n tat s how love makes 1 quietly carry on wid his life wid passion n hope…..
Every single thin happenin on earth revoles around love….no doubt at tymes fytes 4 love ends up in unwanted situations n world turns in2 a place wher hatred co-exists, yet if love s tried 2 conquer wid love rather than wid hatred these unwanted situations ll never arise…..n again love ll show it s overpowerin influence…all we need 2 do s jus respect n love “LOVE”……

D realization tat I don’t really need 2 feel guilty n confused abt bein deeply n passionately in love makes me feel really strong….wat if it makes me live in a fairyland, yet tat way I can keep my positivity abt life alive….d best part of all dis s wen d positivity sustains everythin falls on place n it leaves me happy n thrilled…n m always left wid no point 2 complain abt lyfe which results in turnin my mind contented….wat else can I possibly long 4 wen m in a state of pure happiness….n it leaves my faith on love grow stronger n stronger….love s indeed great…..n bein in love s INDEED d greatest of joy in lyfe…..n wen I say dis I no more wanna even try takin love outta my lyfe….cuz LOVE s wat I live 4……love s wat everybody lives 4…….

FRENSHIP ROCKS.....N...FRENZ R D MOST PRICED POSSESSIONS.....

D other day was d 1st Sunday of August…n hence celebrated s Friendship’s Day….lotta criticism…lotta anticipation….n also lotta enthusiasm…tat accompany d celebration….a group says it s jus a commercialized perception while others claim it 2 b a day stored only n only 4 frenz…. watever may it b we can come 2 a conclusion tat it s harmless….n y not…wat s d harm in celebratin a day dedicatin only 2 frenship????after all isn’t it 1 of d purest form of relationships…not shadowed by thousand other corrupted feelins n emotions….

History speaks about givin life in frenship….abt sacrificing everythin in frenship….n it happens….in true meanin….frenship doesn’t demand it…but people do everythin possible in frenship….cuz it s d most beautiful n selfless relation any1 can possess….people say ‘Love makes d world go round’…n I say ‘Frenship makes d world go alive’….

It’s been quite long tat I was lookin 4 an opportunity 2 thank my frenz…n jus took dis chance 2 pen down d feelins lyin at d bottom of heart…people say u ve 2 b lucky if u ve a true fren….n undoubtedly m 1 among d luckiest ones….cuz I’ve a bunch of frenz whom I can rely upon….whom I can shout at d top of my voice n d very next moment can demand 2 get me a cold drink….whom I can call up at d oddest hour 2 listen 2 my crappy talks….whom I can demand 2 take me to d highway CCD at 3O’ clock in d morning….n most importantly on whom I can trust even my eyes closed….m I really not 1 of d most luckiest of d crowd????

There ve been so many incidents n accidents in my life wherin m left all alone in d crowd by situations….n those tymes all I could ve was d bunch of my frenz…who could never let me b alone….b it a personal problem or a professional crisis all I had 2 do was jus 2 text any1 of d gang…n all ll jus b next 2 me…wen I needed sumbody 2 listen 2 my unending crappy cribbins they were there…wen I needed 2 laugh my heart out they were there….wen I needed sumbody 2 make me console wen my continuosly flowin emotions had no bound they were thre….wen I needed sumbody 2 solve my probles they were there…..n tat 2 widout makin d tiniest complaint….I really don no wat they r made of….but all they did all through was jus to pamper me…..n 2 make me feel like a princess….

I still remember d gang of my frenz who cried wid me wen I had lost control on my emotions…who stood by me wen my insane mind planned all d psychic plans….who hid any possible weapon wid wat I could hurt myself….I still remember my frenz who got me Dominos’ 2 make up 4 a fight 4 which I was d culprit….I still remember my frenz who cooked food 4 me, got me cakes every hour jus 2 kill my mad appetite….supplied cold drinks n chips while I had fun watchin all kinda horror movies…..wat not I had made ‘em do n they carried all my idiotic demands widout makin d slightest hiss…

I rem every single of their support wen I was in need of it...rem those nytes wen i used 2 crib abt my idiotic boyfren n they had listened 2 thos widout even ever knowin who tat guy s...rem those moments wen I shouted on d same guy accusin him of my sadness n despite knowin tat m d culprit they still were on my side....they consoled me wid d utmost patience....took my idiotic cribbins....n made me feel m d best....n also supported me 2 plan 2 execute d one who caused my pain....heights of support....n i know it was all cuz they wanted me 2 smile n they were tryin 2 do it in any damn way possible....

In dis unknown city wen I had no1 2 even talk 2, more than me my frenz chose 2 b bothered….more than me they were bothered how m gonna stay safe….n get goin wid d new life….n 2day wen m comfortably set I know it’s all ‘em who made it happen….all my life I ll cherish every single moment wid u guys….d moments wen I made ‘em carry my luggage while me walkin royally….made ‘em get in2 ladies compartment 2 place my staffs… every single moment of those wen they gave me lessons on Central, Western n Harbor lines of Mumbai railways…scared me wid d stories of Mumbai rain….gave GYAN on bus service….and also buyin me Rail Guide…. I ll cherish all d moments wen we got drenched royally on sea face….tried clickin pics like old movie stars….screamed n pulled legs like bunch of zombies…isn’t every single of these moments special…..yup…they r…n I love u guys 4 every bit of it…

I don no how 2 thank my frenz…words r less everytyme wen emotions take d front seat…same s my situation now….cant end explainin u guys….jus wanna say tat I LOVE U GUYS…4 each n every sweet moment we’ve shared…I might not b callin u up everyday…might not b textin u every half n hour…but I want u 2 no 1 thin….u guys r pages of my life book….i love u like never b4….i miss u like never b4…jus wish we stay dis way 4ever….jus want u 2 no u guys r my priced possessions….widout u life wont b d same…cuz u color my life….me wont b me widout u all…

Frenship rocks….n especially U Guys Rock…..Love U Always….