THIS NEW YEAR, DON'T RAPE US...

(On behalf of million scared and disturbed soul, that belong to the fairer sex... )

Well, it’s been really really long, that I haven’t updated my blog, or have written (or scribble) anything, anywhere… I’m not sure why so, but, I know for a fact that it’s cuz I wasn’t able to find anything really inspiring that can leave me with no option other than putting it down on black and white… But then, as the year is coming to an end, and as I realize this is actually an end of a very very very disappointing year (at least for a huge bunch of people I know), I ended up deciding on the scribbling that I’m doing right now… It’s, as usual, not going to be something completely intellectual, and for that matter would be of no consequences for many, but, again as usual, it’s something that’s disturbing me from last couple of weeks… And, I find no other way to calming myself down than writing this, and yeah, posting on my social networking page… I know, I might land up in nothing in the receiving end of this, and might get no solution from what I scream out loud here, but still, I wish, just wish it would at least make me just rethink on the sad phase that I’m in these days… And thereby would help me take a fresh take on things I need to forget in order to be little happy in the new year…

Well, the demeaning events (or should I call them crippling nightmares) that have been taking place in the country I live in, are the sole source of the suffocation that has engulfed me these days… I was never a feminist, and I never intend to be one… The reason being, the society, the family I come from has never taught me to differentiate humanity on the basis of gender, and I always have cultivated the feeling of equality in my heart and soul, from the time I was a kid… But then, as and when I’ve grown to be a young lady who’s independent enough to stay away from her own family to fulfill her educational and professional needs, I started witnessing a different picture in the world we live in (or should I say the country I live in)… And, apparently that’s what reality is about… And, sadly enough, things seem to be never in anyone’s hand (at least not in those’ hand, who are at least meant to have them)… And, thereby all the screaming and shoutings that we make, all the cribbings that we do, all the protests that we hold, end up only in one thing… It’s NULL…

And, that is why, I’m writing this… To the ones who hold such demeaning motives towards us, ‘the women’… To the ones who think we deserve to be treated the way they do, to the ones who abuse us only cuz ‘we are the fairer sex’, to the ones who can’t see beyond the physical appearance of us, to the ones who fail to realize that one of us only had brought them to the beautiful world, and to the ones who fail to respect the very word ‘Humanity’…

Yeah, it’s an open letter to ‘All you, there’, who come in the bracket of doing things that in general bring down the standard of the human civilization…
Don’t you ever realize, that there are million other things in the world that could make you happy, rather than abusing and exploiting a female body… How do you fail to realize that we are one of the most beautiful creations of God… How do you afford to forget that the world that has given you the opportunity to enjoy its beauty, it was introduced to you by one of us… How difficult it gets for you to understand we’re as delicate as a flower when it comes to all the exploitation and abusals you carry on us… How do you not remember that someday even you would have a princessly daughter like us… How do you forget all the adulation that you had received from the likes of us in the form of your mother, sister, grand-ma, wife and lover… And most importantly, how do you not understand the basic fact of human civilization that we need to equi-live along side, and in a respected way, in order to sustain the so called civilization that we’re in…

Have you ever wondered, or bothered to wonder, how we’ve been raised by our parents… No matter how difficult it seemed, our Dads brought us up like a Princess… He never said a single demeaning and dis-respectful word to us during the course of our growing up days… He believed that we’re no less that our counterparts from the other sex, and hence we are treated never less… We are treated like the most delicate flowers when it comes to handling us, we are given the best of education possible by our parents, and we are taught traditions and cultures… We are taught to respect the elders, be equally competent with you, and also walk along with everyone else… Then, why do you think we can be treated the way you do… Do we deserve to be molested in public places… Do we deserve to be stripped by gangs and mobs… Where’s the respect we deserve, the respect with which we’ve been brought up, and the respect we can demand cuz in return of what we give…

Yes, we’re taught to be brave exactly like our counterparts… We’re taught to be capable of fighting with you for our rights, and we are taught to never let our share go cuz of you… But, along with all these, we are also taught to respect everyone, and be the strong base of a family… And hence, we never drift apart from carrying our responsibilities… That’s why, when we grow up we get married to one of you, be a wife, mother, and many other, in order to keep everyone happy… And, barring exceptions, we always carry each responsibility very well… Have you ever realized, in this course of converting ourselves from a strong independent daughter to a responsible multi-role-playing responsible woman, how much do we give in… Have you ever realized the depth of each sacrifice we make… Have you ever realized how broader a heart one requires to be a woman that she is… And, for all that, do we really deserve to be treated like an animal on roads… Do we deserve to face the brutality that you show us… Where’s the appreciation of all that we do for you, as your mother, as your sister and yes, as your wife???

You say, we make you get brutal with us… Do we really do that… We can never think of that… We’re delicate at heart… When you pain us, our heart gets cracked, it gets bruised… But the next moment, when you sweet-talk, we forget the pain and be there for you again… Doesn’t this make you realize how vulnerable we are… Yeah, we’re strong, but that’s to support you live your life, that’s to make sure that you don’t get weak, that’s to bring out the strength in you, in lesser words, that’s to take care of you… We condition ourselves, without the hint of complaints, in order to adapt to your faiths, beliefs, and life… Our only motive stays as making you happy… Don’t these say how delicate our hearts are… If we are the way we are, do you really think we invite you to trouble us, to be brutal with us… Don’t we deserve the same treatment that we give you… And, isn’t that more than enough for the non-violence we deserve from you…

You say, we don’t act proper to avoid the abusals and molestation from you… What make you believe that… Is it the way we smile, is it the way we talk, or is it the way we dress up… Do you know the facts… We believe in fantasy... We believe in the dreams we see, we believe that the world is a place that’s so beautiful and everything here has so much to offer… Yes, we wear pretty clothes, we get decked-up, and we wear make-up… Yeah, these are the small pleasures that we live for… What if we love wearing shorter clothes… What if we love flaunting our hair… What if we want to feel like an angel above the sky… That doesn’t say that we want you to be brutal with us… That doesn’t say that we want you to molest us on roads, and for that matter anywhere… Don’t we deserve to stay beautiful, at heart and in this wide open world…

Yeah, we want a little care, a little love and most importantly a little respect… Be a little tolerant towards us, at least for the sake of what we’ve been giving you all our lives… For the sake of the love that you’ve received from your mother, for the sake of the adulation you’ve received from you sister, and for the support that you’ve received from your partner… Yeah, be a little open to understand that we’re not just a physical commodity that you’ll manhandle, we’re not all flesh and bone that you would turn to a butcher, and yes, we’re far beyond being only a sexual object… We’re the ones who’re equally responsible for the world that’s existing today, we’re equally responsible for making the world beautiful, and we’re equally important to the society the way you are…

So, it’s a voice that comes straight from the heart, mine and of many alike’s, ‘US’… This new year, please don’t molest us… Please don’t trouble us on the dark road at 9 at night, please don’t eve-tease us, please don’t bully us, please don’t trouble us when we want to have a little fun with our friends, please leave us alone when we take a private bus, please don’t beat us up with iron roads, please don’t strip us, and most importantly please don’t rape us…

WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS....

(Scribbled while strolling on a dreamy Goan beach, when I met the 'ME' that always longed for the one who got away, long ago...)

Well, September ended, and as always I didn't intend to wake up... After so many years of coming the lyrical and musical excellency of Greenday's famous lines into existence, it's more like a cliché so say anything about waking up when September ends... But eventually, everyone does find his or her own reasons to connect something to this cliché of September ending, and yeah, waking up...And for me, certainly does September bring a layering bruise, each year, atleast so for the last 4 years... Well, for reasons strictly to my personal failure in love, and with an impression insanely irresponsible to everyone around; September happens to make me wish I was asleep all month long... Yeah, September truly was a more than a month in my happy days, making me the closest to my love once, which eventually also turned into a month I would like not to experience, for, it made me away too, for ever from him... And that's how, I'm sure, year on year, I would keep gathering these layers until one day I decide to rub all of them off, maybe suddenly out of the blue, or maybe after a certain amount of precautious efforts... Till then, I would, maybe I would, keep weeping along with the lyrics, and keep repeating the, by now cliché, phrase...

Coming back, it was Goa this September end, and it was a carefully planned attempt to get away from the monotone of my so called busy life... And that was why, I hardly had anyone completely familiar along with me while I decided to land in the coastal town of South West India... Unlike other trips of mine, I needed to be on my own, and that's how it was, when I actually realized barring one, I knew noone in the group... Last week of the month, weekend, and also almost done with the monthly chaos, more than enough reasons for a quick getaway... And while we decided to make a budget trip, I was too, although reluctantly, fine doing so, as I needed a different sort of experience... It was li'l insanely for someone like me, who hates troubled travelling, but nonetheless, somehow we managed to land where we intended to, after travelling for almost around 16 hours, not to forget, after changing our vehicles twice...Somehow, the spirit was high, and that's how we appeared to be still energetic... And finally when we landed in the beach town, we realized, well, it was worth the trouble....Yeah... Sea, beach, sand and some amusing vibes, yeah it was actually something that lifts away the chaotic frustration from any mind...

As the experience of the small town started getting into my nerves I realized every bit of those reasons why this tiny li'l town was what it was to the people all across the globe... Everyone seemed extremely busy being in their happiest states, noone bothered what others were upto, and everyone greeted everyone with a smile on his/her face... Somehow the whole ambiance was brilliant, and worth being away from the city... And, suddenly I gathered the feeling that maybe, maybe I would start everything afresh in all areas of my life, once the 4 days long trip saw its end, for, I was sure of getting my mind refreshed up, and also my soul rejuvenated during my stay here... And surely I didn't want to sleep off the last days of September, to wake up once it ended, cuz certainly I was hoping to enjoy more with open eyes than dreaming away in sleep... Well, hardly had I known that no matter however I kept repeating it to be a cliché; I would anyways land up, as always, being a part of it...

It was precisely, 29th of September, on a much hyped beach of Goa... After roaming on endless beaches all evening, it was time we took a li'l rest, and what better could have been than the warm sandy beach by the continuous waves of the Arabian Sea, under the starlit turquoise sky, and not to forget a mixed floating musical backdrop... Yeah, this was how I always wanted my evenings to be, and that added the extra bit of amazing fulfilled twist to my experience... I was happy, in a really happy state, and in my own world of pure indulgence...Right then, yeah right then, in middle of the ecstatic environment, I was hit by a sight that brought me down straight to where I had always started... To there, where, my sorrow haunted me, my bruised soul screamed, and yeah, there where I never willingly wanted to go back, but eventually ended up going back again and again...

On that silvery beach, to my left, at a mere distance of 15 meters, was a group of guys, most likely to be bachelors, in their own world with an enormous amount of liquors, fags and of course music... In that group of around 10 guys, there were 2, strumming on their guitars, and the others joining them in singing out loud, sometimes continuously, and sometimes in bits and pieces... Although, there was no staged harmony in the musical tribute, yet it was no less than a bunch of sheer careless joy floating around, cuz of the vibes from the music created by those almost hung over guys in the gang... We, the group I was in, started enjoying the scene and the music too, and in no time, we joined the gang of guys, only to realize we did good doing so... Well, till then nothing apart from the joy and music had caught ours, particularly my attention...But, at one point, suddenly I felt my heart skip, violently, and I realized, I was almost in the verge of being numb with surprise, or should I say shock... And what caused that??? A sight that I never thought I would experience in this way, atleast not in this sudden, non-planned trip of mine... Yeah, to my horror, or terror, or to my anonymous emotional shock, I spotted a face in that gang, which, once upon a time, was the most important one in my life... A face, that used to inspire me all through, to think beyond; a face that used to remind me always that I was loved and cared; a face that always used to show that I was special; and yeah, a face that used to have all the reasons to make me smile... And now, I saw that one face, humming along with the beats of the guitar, just, just a few meters away from where I was sitting… I was in utter loss of words, and maybe expressions too, cuz, I didn't know how to react and, thereby, in a word, I stood still where I was... Yeah, in that small crowd that face was there too, that resembled the person, with whom I was in a relationship for a very long, or a very short, duration of 4 and half years...I couldn't really understand whether it was my illusion, or he was really there... Maybe he was actually him, or maybe he just resembled only on face... But, the bygone 3 years that we were not in touch were more than enough for me to gather a layer of dust on my confidence to be happy to see him....

I didn’t know how to react, I couldn't decide whether I should pay more attention to him to find out if he was the same guy I was assuming him to be, or should I just run away from the place, to just escape from the already turned strange situation... My eyes were unfaithful to me, and despite my cruel attempts to resist, they concentrated on that face... And, then, there he was, taking a pause from humming, and suddenly staring back at me, and also waving at me, for, he knew I was continuously looking at him, maybe taking him to be somebody else... Then, and only then, I realized, all this while, I actually was in an illusion, cuz, no doubt he had a similar face, but if I was li'l more attentive, I would have known that he was not the same person I was thinking him to be...

We exchanged li'l gestures, exchanged pleasantries, and I pretended I was enjoying the music and the evening... But, inside me had already started a battle... I was unable to figure out why I had to mistake a stranger's face to be someone I was not supposed to think of... I had no clue why on earth, of all the people, this one particular face, I keep going back searching for, almost all the time, which had decided to part ways from my life years ago, and at a point I needed him the most... I failed to understand why after gathering so much bitterness from his actions I still managed to fool myself around not to scrape away his memories from my mind... I didn't know, and could never justify, why I, despite being always repellent towards accepting pain, still brought back memories that hardly spared my heart of bleeding... And, I had no answer to myself, why on earth, of all the moments I choose the happiest and also the saddest one, to hallucinate about him around me… And, this time, while it was my happiness that was supposed to keep me occupied, I decided to spot someone resembling his face and thus brought him back to my world… And, honestly I fail to understand, why I did so…And, that somehow makes me realize, that, maybe it’s been always like that, that whenever I’m in my own world of happiness, and joy, I end up looking for that particular person around me… Maybe it’s always been like that, that I actually never let that person leave my memories and my imagination… Maybe, it’s always been like that, that I kept that person alive in my world of fantasy and illusion… Or, maybe it’s always been like that, that I decided to be this way forever, atleast to be with him in my world of dreams…And, honestly, this doesn’t make me really happy, in my practical state… And, in my consciousness, I always look for opportunities to just stay away from all of it… But, alas, an illogical idiot and a lost-in-love heart don’t have much differences, and maybe, maybe that’s why similar evenings like this one would keep coming back repetitively to my life, and yeah, I’m so certain about it…

The silvery moonlit beach was no less than a fairytale land, the whispering waves made the already amazing place even more dramatic… As I got back to my senses, recovering slowly from the shock of the sudden moment crossing my path a while ago, I decided to take a walk down the edges of the dancing waves… I took my slippers off and soaked my feet in the sandy water… I felt fresh… As I walked a li’l inside the water I realized, maybe, maybe my memories are like these waves; that come to touch the edges again and again, but also go back to unknown limits the next very moment, and that’s how they’re meant to be… And, actually, that’s a good thing, cuz, what’s the point scraping away some beautiful moments from life, only cuz they somehow got overshadowed by some bad ones… And, so, it's alright even if my memories bring back that one person to my life again and again... Somehow, the thought made me feel a li’l better... I started letting myself loose on the soaked sand…


I looked back at the still happily singing guys... They were now playing Greenday… ‘Wake me up when September ends…’… I smiled in the dark... Yeah, like every other year, this year too, I found my reason to hum the same… I smiled to myself… But this time, I smiled with a certain freshness in my breath… Cuz, I was certain, maybe like this evening, and the past many, every year I would continue finding the same, and well, that would again be a logically completely unrelated, but strangely related reason to me…Nonetheless, I would not be scared to love to get lost in the feeling... But I would also make sure that, I would wait, to get woken up, when September actually ends… Cuz, like the way the waves go back inside the sea to be the calm surface of water, I'm sure my life would also find reasons to get normal, once the disturbing rush of memories fade away...

INDEPENDENCE DAY... FREEDOM, INDEPENDENCE... AND A MYTH...

It was Independence Day yesterday, and everywhere I see, everyone is expressing their love for the country, love for the people and the happiness on the historic event that happened 65 long (or very short??) years ago… I can see million posts on almost all the social networking sites wishing one another a very happy day, I can see the tri-colour flying in every possible location, I can see huge hoardings congratulating the entire nation on being able to call ourselves a free nation, I can see various organizations organising events on the occasion, I can see million articles on newspapers quoting political leaders addressing the nation and of course I can see a million colourful programmes on various channels that boast about how happy, progressive and well-advanced we are, and not-to-forget what an amazing future we’re moving towards to… And, if I actually decide to ignore the reality that in real exists around me, I should be really happy, for, being able to be a part of the glorious country, and hence I have every reason to be proud of the society that I am in… But apparently, this is far from the truth, and in a true sense, I’m ashamed that I was born in a place that boasts about all the fake-ness, that boasts about being an arrogant lot of indifferent crowd, that takes pride in the fact that they contradict themselves in occasions more than they can ever think of, and yet they’re so very ignorant about these facts that, one who shows a little awareness actually looks like a fool…

Well, right at this point, I sound like an anti-social, anti-India, anti-progressive (I laugh as I type this phrase), and anti-independence little creep… And, I’m sure if this goes out on any public media, I might land up in some terrible situation where no one would be able to help me save myself… And if I’m unlucky (and bad luck decides to smile wry at me), there would be a lot of mishap getting created around my post… Might be it could turn into a political issue too, one gang saying that I’m influenced by their opponent, one saying I’m a spokesperson to their opponent, and so on and so forth…. Yeah, what not… Do you think I’m dreaming… Hell, no… Anyone with a little knowledge on Indian politics, management and society as a whole, and especially how the society works, would know that I’m actually talking sense… Yeah, India is a proud place where anything and everything is possible…

Well, contrary to what I sound at this point, and to be frank, I love my country too… In my school days I was known for writing about the country so well that everyone thought I had taken some special classes to know the length and breadth of the country… But the fact was, I truly loved the place I was born in, and somehow I had developed an intense love, affection and respect for the land… But when I grew up, I could see a different picture of the country I was so much in love with… I know, it’s a place where ‘Unity exists in diversity’, but then, it’s also a place where every minute there’s some or the other negative event taking someone’s life away from him… On one side if this is a place where everyone can claim to be a part of the diverse yet happy society, on the other side, this is the same place where one needs to be afraid every minute lest it’s his last moment in life… And, that’s how I’m in a fix, and thus not being able to decide whether I should feel proud of being a part of this land, or should weep by a riverside thinking why on earth did I choose to be born on this particular place… Nevertheless, life moves on… And, so even I move on with my daily life, without complaining about anything much, rather trying to adjust to the society I’m in, at any given time…

But, the reason why, I’m so negative about celebrating Independence Day is the fact that, at this moment, I truly don’t feel that I’m a part of a free land… And, do I have enough reason to justify it??? Well, yes… I have more than enough reasons to do so… There’s so much happening around me these days that I’m bound to feel negative about calling myself free… Freedom has turned into a term which looks glorious only in black and white, and not in real… I have freedom nowhere… If I want to raise a voice against anything I would definitely be killed (at least that’s happening around me so far)…

Well, let’s forget about these bigger issues; let’s see what happens on a day-to-day basis… Oh! Did I tell you that I’m a girl??? Well, yeah, that squeezes my freedom even more… I have no freedom to go and sit in the park in the corner, cuz some stray dog-alike human beings might come and rape me… I can’t wear my short clothes and walk on roads, cuz some dirty leech-alike creeps would come and try molesting me… I can’t fight back anyone eve-teasing me, cuz I’m a poor girl and if I do I would be treated like shit… And, to put a cherry on the top, I have hardly any faith in the security system of the country… And why not??? Here, the security system itself boasts about being one of the most corrupt ones in the world… And, yeah, so do I see any freedom for myself?? Of course not…

And, when time passes by then I lose my freedom even more… Yeah, if I’m marriage ready (as soon as I turn 25 plus)I would be forced to waste no more time with myself, rather to get married… And, if I happen to fall in love with someone from a different religion, caste or community, I would be forced to part ways from him, and no matter how much I suffer and protest I would be forced to get married to someone who is perfect for me as per the social norms, and even if I die of suffocation in that association, I can never leave… So where’s my freedom…

Well, I don’t want to sound like a social worker, nor like a feminist and neither like someone who fights hard against the powerfuls to bring in huge social change… All I know is that, in this country we’re missing even fundamental rights to live, and then we boast about freedom… How ironical…

If I ignore the mammoth issues of life, and look at having a normal simple life, I can’t do that… What’s more, yesterday when the whole country was celebrating Independence Day, I was sitting in a corner of my room, fearing to go out… The reason?? Well, there were lot of rumours (I seriously wish, they’re just pure rumours and nothing more than that), that there were red alert in and around this Southern city, and we, the outsiders are directly or indirectly made to get out of the place as soon as it is possible… And what caused this??? This is nothing but the aftermath of a riot that had taken place back in my home-state Assam, within various ethnic groups… And, the situation was so terrible there that it had turned (or made to turn) into huge political issue, and also got christened into communal riots… No one knows the actual facts, and the truth… But who’s suffering now??? Of course the ones who were by no means responsible for the entire episode… The morning newspaper brings the news of thousands of students and working professionals fleeing from the city back to their home-towns… What does that imply??? It surely tells us that we by no means have any freedom… Our constitution says that an Indian can live in any place inside its boundary as per his wish… But, is that the fact in today’s picture?? Well, of course not… Apparently we don’t have the basic freedom of following what our instincts say… Then, why are we celebrating independence???

Yeah, every bit of what’s happening around me pains me, it bruises my soul, and along with every bit of increased pain, my faith in the celebration of independence decreases… I’m shattered to see how typical we’re behaving… I have friends from all communities, religions, castes and regions… But, at this point of time, I don’t know what would be the right thing to do… I know, I myself is not the least of discriminating kind, and I never believe in these sort of biases, but am I in a situation to believe that even others around me are not… Can I blindly say that the friend who happens to be my best friend and hails from a different religion would stand by me in my crisis at this point??? Even if I want to believe so at the bottom of my heart, yet I can’t ascertain myself… Such is the negativity of the situations that are being created… And, certainly the ones suffering are the ones that belong to a neutral and innocent crowd…

I’m afraid… Of getting out even at as early as ten at night… Of taking an auto or a cab alone to work… Of talking aloud in a crowded place… Of passing by the place where I know other community crowd resides… Of picking up a cold drink from the bakery at the corner… Of picking up my breakfast from the departmental store… In fewer words, of doing anything that’s capable of drawing attention of anyone stranger… Yeah, such is the state I’m in, at this point… That says that I’m actually afraid to live… I’m afraid of breathing lest that causes others aware of my presence… And in this situation, do I need to celebrate Independence Day??? Do I have freedom and independence???

I know, this note of mine is and would stay as nothing but a relentless outburst of the anger, anguish, pain, frustration and helplessness inside me… Yeah, I’m angry… I’m anguished… I’m in pain… I feel frustrated… I feel helpless… Yeah, there’s no way to make myself understand that I live in a free country… Free of what?? Free from whom??? Isn’t it just an illusion that we’re free??? It is... And, yeah, that’s why I refuse to get involved in any celebrations that talk about freedom, independence and of being content… Instead, I would like to pray the unknown, and wish for a day where freedom would actually exist… I know a mere prayer does nothing to the corrupted and sadistic society, but I would do it only for the fact that, it makes me feel a bit safe, and also makes me believe that even if the world around me conspires to kill my inner faith, somehow I should still keep it up… Cuz, like every beginning has an end, these horrors and terrors would also see their end, and thus would bring a tomorrow where we would actually know and realize what real independence is…

And till then, let’s keep fighting for the basic freedom to live…

THE LITTLE SOMETHINGS... FOR A BETTER WORLD...

Well, it was a long hectic day, and on top of that the amount of rushing-arounds that I had to do today had actually made me, in a word, freak out… To add on a juicy cherry on top, my brother, who happens to be a little ahead than me on the insane-meter, was driving me almost crazy… He’s been under medical observation, and it’s me who has to be his PA for his every single meeting with doctor… Yeah, you guessed it right, starting with scheduling his appointment, to carrying the right document, to collecting reports, to discussing them with the doctor, to buying medicines, yes, each of these I have to do… My blackberry is loaded with reminders of each of these events, and at times I fail to understand whether my poor phone has any other things to do at all or not… Yeah, today too, the same schedule repeated, and no wonder, I turned almost insane and freaked out by the time it was 6 in the evening… But, the reason why I’m writing this note is not to describe or complain what’s wrong with my life, instead the reason is something special… And, I’m certain of a thing that I would actually not going to forget this incident for a long time in the future…

Well, it was almost 6 and we were supposed to meet the consulting doctor for my brothers report discussion at around 7… After a long fight and pushing hard, my brother got ready to see the doctor, and accordingly he was supposed to reach the hospital in around 45 minutes… I had almost an hour in hand, and the hospital being just ten minutes from my place, I decided to put an effort in lifting my mood up before I met my brother, and accordingly I decided to sit in the coffee shop from where I pick up daily coffee… As I came out of my place I realized it had been raining and so the rain-drenched dusky evening was a magical one… Well, my mood started brightening in that turquoise evening light… I picked up my coffee, started sipping the same and then waited on the main road looking for an auto to reach the hospital which was almost 4 kms away…

This part of the whole evening is something I actually would have liked to avoid… I hate autos and auto-guys with my heart and soul…Every morning when I wait for one, they would bug me asking for extra money over and above the actual fare, or most of the times they would refuse to go where you need to go, and some other times they would make you literally beg… Yeah, there’s not a single point for which I can say I would ever appreciate these 3-wheeled vehicle… Today too, with an irritated mind and an unknown disgust I waited for an auto… After a while, when the signal behind opened, a row of autos came by… I waved many of them, but finally I could make one stop by, and when it did I got into it… With my playlist on my ears, I hardly bothered to look at the guy driving the vehicle and asked him to put the meter down… As we got ourselves into the midst of the non-ending traffic on the main road, my irritation level rose up… But then since I was not hurrying up, I didn’t let my anger rise up to my head… Millions vehicles of all shapes, sizes and types had crowded out the city-road and wherever you see and your eyes can reach there was a sea of these… And, why not??? This is the time almost half the offices in the city gets over and everyone, in an attempt to reach home early, gathers on the road, turning it into an endless procession of vehicles… Today too, the same thing was very obvious, and it actually didn’t surprise me much… We were moving ahead, leaps and bound, and well, as predictable, it was taking forever for the jam to get cleared…

And, suddenly then happened something which is what I’m writing this note about… Well, it was a small incident, but then, something that blew my mind away… And, certainly it was something that told me that if anyone wants do something for someone’s good, you don’t need to have a lot of resources, nor you need to be someone highly influential… You can do it with what you have, and by being what you are and yeah also, how you are…

Yeah, coming back to what happened, as we crossed half the distance, on that crowded road, we halted at a place, almost 300 metres from a signal… The signal was closed, and so we had no choice but to wait there till it opened again… Suddenly, there was the siren of an ambulance which was rushing from behind, and it was apparent that it was in a hurry… The sound was irritating and so I increased the volume of my music on my ears… But, to my surprise, the guy that was driving the auto I was in, got down… And, for the first time, I saw his face properly, and also saw that he was an old guy, of more than 45 age, but he looks older than that, owing to, I’m sure, the fact that he has a not-so-easy life… He rushed towards the ambulance first, and came rushing back towards where his auto was… Looking at his strange behaviour, I peeped out of the auto, and realized that the ambulance has a heart-patient… But nobody was much bothered, and hence there was no improvement in getting the traffic cleared, infact there was nobody who was in a situation to do anything to try clearing the non-ending rows of cars, and buses, and bikes, and autos… To my surprise, there was no traffic police too, in the signal… But, well, obviously I didn’t bother to get out of my seat, and thereby doing anything that could help the patient in the ambulance…

And, that’s what this particular guy from my auto was trying to do… He was trying to gather everyone in helping to get the ambulance move through the crowd of vehicles… And, as opposite to what I defined as insanity, his effort seemed to make sense in a while… He ran to the signal, spoke to each of the cars and other vehicles, and somehow managed to clear a path amidst that horrific traffic… And in around 7 minutes the ambulance moved ahead, its siren kept blowing, and soon, it disappeared at the distant roads… And, by then, even my auto was on track again… Predictably enough I was shocked and I was wondering how on earth this seemingly clueless guy decided on his own to help out someone who was in actual need…

Soon, I reached the hospital I wanted to be at, and paid the auto-guy what he deserved… I had to get 5 rupees back from the guy, but I told him not to give it back, as I felt it was really not necessary… Cuz, today, what he had done was something that has by no means any comparison to anything money could buy… For a change, and for the first time in my life, I realized that all auto-guys are not bad, in fact there are some people who are exceptionally amazing and great… And, this particular guy happens to be one of them…

As I walked into the hospital, I realized, truly, it takes only one simple moment to make yourself do something great… You don’t really need to be someone with everything around to be useful to someone needy, all you need is just a heart that wants to help others… And, certainly, no matter what you are, what your strengths are, all you need is a streak to put that extra bit, that makes you do something, which no one else could think and be able of doing…

Yeah, it’s that little something that we do, which can brighten up someone’s life; yeah, it’s that little help that we offer which can let someone live a better life; it’s that little warmth that we share which can lighten up someone’s life; it’s that little effort that we put which can save the li

fe of someone who’s in his death bed… And, to do this little something all we need is just little wish and a heart, which beats a little for everyone around… Certainly, it takes only a little from us, but it surely does turn the world into a so much better place to live in...

A WAY TO HAPPINESS...LI'L DROPS OF HAPPINESS...

Well, it’s not a very happy evening today…The dinner that I didn’t eat, the medicines that I didn’t take, the endless mugs of coffee that I was not supposed to intake and the evening walk that I didn’t go for and which could have lifted my mood up, all-together I had a terrible time this evening… Basically it was an evening I would like to forget as soon as possible… Well, for those who think I’m a drama-queen, and also over-reacting, and not trying to fix what’s not right, well, it’s not that… I actually am going through things, that I would most likely like to avoid, and since at this point in time, I’m not able to do so, this evening, my mind and heart both together had decided to decline my further commands, and thereby had refused to work just right… It’s not that I could blame any of the both, or for that matter anyone else too, and hence I was almost struggling to find a way that let nothing spill out further, of my almost insane brain…

Nonetheless, as I saw no end to the frustration, and knew, there’s hardly anything that could cool me down, I decided to do something that could somehow make me feel it was still me, and not some un-named spirits getting into my body, in fewer words, I was trying to decide on my last resort… After some thought, I took my guitar, and went up to the terrace, and decided to strum something random… As I reached there, I occupied a corner of the huge space, and knew that that corner would be the place I was going to stick to atleast for the next couple of hours… The breezy surroundings made me realize that I actually did the right thing by coming upstairs, cuz, the atmosphere around me was nothing less than magical, and the magic somehow could easily get into my spirit, making me tenderly drowsy…

I sat there, staring at the sky… The weather, although windy was not cloudy, and the sky, with the tiny golden stars on it, was replicating that of a golden studded mattress… I stared at it, and as I did so, I realized there were droplets of water getting accumulated in the corners of my eyes… Soon, there were two streams of tears, silently and without me knowing, running through my cheeks… As they reached the hollows of my neck, I could feel that I was crying, but to my surprise, I couldn’t figure out why… As I wiped them off, and took my eyes off the sky, I started wondering why I started crying like a kid, all of a sudden… Though I couldn’t come to a conclusion on the reasons behind my tears, I could feel that those were not some tears of sorrow, rather I was really happy… I realized, somehow the starlit turquoise sky had taken my sadness away… And, strangely enough, after spending a long evening without smile, I smiled for the first time for that evening, a smile, which was rather a bright, a very bright one…

I started strumming my guitar… Well, I’m not a terrific player, of course owing to the fact that I’m a terribly terrible one when it comes to practising the instrument on a daily basis… And so today too, I hardly could play the song that I was trying to play, and so I ended up creating some chaotic free-flowing music of my own… But I realized, it hardly mattered, cuz I was completely enjoying what I was doing… I was completely in sync with the musical peace that the breeze was blowing with, and I felt, I had turned to be a part of it… Maybe, the magic of the place had got into my inside, and I was just not being able to help but get myself in the mood of getting drowsy with ecstasy…

I didn’t realize how much time had passed by… As I kept my guitar aside, I got up and put my playlist on, on my ears… I happen to have an amazing collection of music (atleast to my own understanding), from various genre, starting with Indian fusion, to Sufi, to Elektronica, to Rock, to soothing country and folks, yeah I keep everything stored in my playlist… This acts as my saviour in million occasions, when I’m down and blue, when I have a bad day at work, when I have a heart-break, when I have a rather bitter argument with my loved ones, and when I realize I’m beyond my own control, and well, not to forget even when I’m genuinely happy… Yeah, in each of these situations, this playlist makes me realize how worthy, heavenly and timeless those seven chords are… And today too, as I tuned my playlist on I realized, I was going to enter in a world of sheer joy and calmness, which otherwise was really turning into a rare entity atleast on this particular day… And, yeah, I was so right… As I started listeninglist to the , a song played which said, no matter what, I should never cry, rather shed tear of joy, cuz I’m alive… I realized, maybe I should have tuned my playlist on even before the evening started, cuz, if I had, by now I would have completely got out of the pain and agony that I was going through, all afternoon, towards this late at night…

It was turning really late… My long curls were completely messed, my eye-lashes were drenched with dew-drops in the breeze, my skin was turning dry cuz of the continuous wind, and I was cold too… But, inside my chilled body, I had a heart, that was warmed by the magic of the evening… I failed to understand how, but the purity that the beauty around me had, had actually made me come out of the terrible sorrow that I was going through… I realized, there could never be anything better than the simplicity and purity that the priceless elements in the environment around me create, to heal the pain that the materialistic world around me brings me to face… I realized, there maybe a million materialistic things that I find my happiness in, but the ones that could actually make me happy and find peace of my mind in, were the ones that come at no cost… The starlit turquoise sky, the deep darkness with the silvery moonlight spread across, the unknown fragrance floating around, the soft velvety breeze, and yeah, the un-named magic, every single thing in the lot just turns me drowsy, tenderly drowsy…

I realized, as the night progressed, I was completely away from the frustration that was running through my veins, I forgot about the unknown chaos that was not letting me sit in a single place, and most importantly, I came out of the restlessness that was not letting me see other reasons to be happy… And now, in the midst of this priceless magic, I found myself back… I got back to my own self, and I realized life is much more than getting hassled by mundane incidents and of course accidents…

I placed my guitar back in the bag, closed my playlist and rose up to my feet to walk back to my room… Yeah, back to a chaotic world again, but I knew this time I was not going to lose my cool again… Cuz, I had already realized, even if I did I also knew what could be the best way to come back to a state of peacefulness, and thereby a state of pure bliss…

Yeah, amidst the chaotic schedule of mundane duties, I found a way to enjoy my share of happiness... My share of calm and priceless happiness... And, most importantly, my share of a bunch of li'l drops of happiness...

TERROR...AND A WAY OUT...

Well, it was raining all afternoon, towards evening today... The continuous downpour with its rhythmic beats, the gentle breeze leaving my curls totally messed, and the magical darkness around, yeah, it was a perfect evening in my dictionary...And the best thing I could think of doing in such a pretty weather was to land up at my favourite coffee joint, have few cups of hot coffee, and of course letting me be with myself.... It took just five minutes for me to take the final call on this, and in the next five minutes, I was in my destination, the brilliantly lit coffee shop... As I got into the shop, the downpour sped up... Well, I didn't complain... Rather I realized, I was actually going to love it... I placed my order while taking the most comfortable seat in the corner of the shop, and in next five minutes my table had all, that I needed... An aromatic mug of strong warm coffee, a plate of chocolate-sauce-dipped chocolate fantasy, and of course my much-adored phone in my hand... As I started sipping on my coffee, I decided to surf net too... And as I did, I realized, even if I was not following aggressively, a lot was going on, around me, and these were actually things that should have made me worry in a rather serious way...

Actually, it's been almost a couple of days now, since I first came across the horrifying news of a school-kid, a young girl getting molested by a gang of men... Well, this is certainly not the very first time that I've come across something like this, but this is mere one, among those many soul-shrinking times, that makes me pity on the society we live in... And, this time, I'm actually disgusted and also unable to take it at all, for, the place where it happened is the same place I belong to, and for a matter-of-fact, I always had high, in fact very high regards for the place, at least owing to the fact that, people there always have a broader and much more advanced approach to living life, if you consider on a normal scale... But alas, I was so wrong!!! I forgot, that ultimately, it also is a part of the continuously degrading society, which, in million occasions, forget about the basic humanitarian ground, on which we need to stand upon in a real sense, as a part of the most evolved race, i.e. the human race... Alas, in millions and millions occasions, we just forget that, we need to evolve more, if possible, not the other way round which might lead us to the cave-age, in which we were no more than other animals... Well, I think, I shouldn't blame the innocent animals here, I hardly think despite being dumb and less intelligent than human beings, an animal would by any means bother to molest a fellow female... Does that leave us worse than them... Well, I have a strong feeling, yes, it does...

I'm not a hard-core feminist and I don't scream out asking why we're not treated equally as the male counterparts of ours in the society... I have no such demands that we should also be made to go through everything that a male needs to go through... All I believe is that, as human beings, we all, regardless of males and females, are supposed to have the basic right to feel free of doing things which by no means disturb others' existence, and thereby not making the societal balance shake... I believe, everyone in the society needs to have the feeling of belonging-ness to the same, and this would come only if we are let live in a way in which respect is a common entity... I believe in order to realize that we're a part of the modern world, we need to have the basic rights to feel free of choosing the ways to living, of doing things of our interest, and of course of making the small happinesses pave their way to our daily life... But, just cuz someone is female why she needs to sacrifice on these points, that remains beyond my understanding and beyond my imagination too...

Coming back to the molestation of the school kid, as the media says, she was eve-teased first, with sadistic remarks... This is one point I always refuse to take... Why does it always happen that when a girl is alone on streets, male counterparts turn into nothing more than street-dogs... I, myself have experienced it in million occasions... On the streets of big metros, small towns and suburbs, everywhere the picture stays the same... And, if someone wants to ask me if I was in my shortest clothes in those times, for them to know, well, I was not... It hardly matters for anyone with such a desperate attitude to leech after a female, to consider what she's wearing, what she looks like and what she's doing at that place... The mere fact that she belongs to the species 'Female', is more than enough for these low lives to bring themselves to get involved in anything that by no standard can be called decent and humanitarian... Such is the society we live in...

Coming back, I was mentioning about the incidents (guess 'accidents' or 'mishaps' would be apter terms) I had faced in the similar line... Well, fortunately (at least as far as these situations are concerned), I'm a totally lazy person, and thereby I hardly take a walk along streets at any point in any day, and also avoid taking public transports when it's crowded... And that leaves me opt for a cab or an auto in most of the times (and which also by no means safe at all)... Still there are certain rare occasions when I have no options than taking a walk, and the incidents that I want to talk about have all happened in some of these times only...

The first time when I faced something really ugly was during Ganesh Puja in Bangalore... It was almost 3 years back, and it was the last day of the weeklong festival, and so, was the time when a procession had taken the idol to float it in water in a nearby lake, a way to say goodbye to Ganeshji for that year... Well, I was coming back from my evening grocery shopping, and as usual my hands were occupied... The crowd was approaching from the other end, hence I decided to stay back on the other side of the street to avoid the same, and once it was pass me, I thought it was time I could take my steps back home... But suddenly I realized, there was someone trying to pull my shopping bags, and the moment I looked towards him, he slapped across my face... I was horrified, but as soon as I could realize what was happening, I tried screaming at him... My scream did make few other people gather... But the irony was, not to help me, but to irritate me even further... Some of them started commenting on me for being Nepali (which I am not), some called me 'Chinki', and I was all alone in a crowd of disgusting looking, dirty-eyed gang... Thankfully, the episode couldn't take a sadder turn than that, cuz few of my friends, who belonged to that locality fortunately had turned up for their evening tea at a stall nearby, and they came rushing to help me out... Of course they wouldn't have let anything happen to me, but I still wonder, what if, they hadn't turned up at that moment that day... It makes me literally shiver...

The second time, when I had to repeat facing such ugliness was a time when I was not keeping well, and hence had gone to get food from a nearby outlet... Well, it was a little late, but I was not alone... I was with my friend on whose bike I had gone out... After we got my parcel, my friend went to fetch his bike from the parking, and I was standing just outside the store, which also happens to be the main road... Two minutes on that road, and I could see my friend coming back too... And just at that moment, someone came rushing from nowhere and pulled my jacket... And before I could respond to it, my friend came rushing, and so did two other strangers, and they scared this low-life away, and I was rescued... Nothing much happened to me, apart from my heart turning infuriated against this sort of disgusting desperate males, and that of course is nothing positive...

Well, these were just two major mishaps taking place in my 25 years old of feminine existing... I'm not listing the minor setbacks that I come across on a weekly, fortnightly or monthly basis... That's cuz my whole point is not to list down all these negativities, and thereby screaming, and complaining about how difficult it is to live in the society I live in, and how bad it is to be a female... Certainly that's not my focus... My point here is, why is it the way it is??? A healthy society needs both males and females to unite together to think about and thereby walk towards what we call as 'progress'.... But, how would it be possible if one decides to trouble the other one in doing so, and thereby creating a crippled mankind???

Every negative action on females leaves me get worried on this one point, and that has nothing to do with who's better and who's not... And this point being, on the thoughts of the ones who get unknown pleasure in doing wrong to the females in the society... And, this has everything to do with, why does everything end up in bias???

I turn worried and speechless seeing the in-genuine behaviour towards a girl doing things as per her own norms... I fail to understand, why people don't realize how the simple thought of letting one live by her wish can stop creating all these troubles... I do not find a reason why it's so necessary to trouble the girl walking on roads alone, instead of being focused on the jobs that we need to finish before that particular day ends... I'm so certain that, that way, we would end up having a much more productive day than otherwise we would have...

The saddest part of all what I say, and did now too, is that, I can't do much more than just cribbing, writing it on my personal blog, and keeping all my friends informed when I have to end up being alone in a place, so that the moment I smell terror, any of them can come in my rescue... What else can I possibly do??? I don't wear my favourite pair of shorts while going anywhere alone, lest I might draw attention of un-necessary gazes... I avoid wearing my elegant and sexy looking formal frocks, lest I draw eye-balls of few testosterone-driven idiots around, I don't wear anything sleeveless, lest some irritating strangers bug me.... Well, how much can I possibly avoid doing??? The list doesn't end, neither does the list of probabilities and consequences that I might face when I'm alone on streets end... Do you see a point why I'm worried??? I'm sure you do...

On a personal level, I always prefer to just stroll around the place I live, click some random pictures of the beauty around, sipping on some take-away coffees, sitting on some deserted bench to scribble in my diary, getting into the depth of a new novel, or for that matter, just spending some time, only with myself while roaming around aimlessly... But sadly enough, I don't do any of these outside my house, cuz, that leads me getting few un-necessary, un-worthy strangers to take peek and thereby stalk me, and thereby leaving a scope to get harassed by them... Yeah, for this plain reason, I never walk alone on roads, I don't like to even sit in a cab alone, and what worse, I don't even want to step out of my house during weekends... Cuz, weekends bring everyone out of their respective homes, leading to creating a massive crowd, and bigger is the crowd, more are chances to get myself in trouble... Huh, how much do I need to think... I wonder, whether a guy actually think, or has to think from so many perspectives, or rather, do they even consider these to be something that need to be considered at all??? I don't have the answer, neither do I have an answer to what if I stop caring about the crowd around??? Difficult??? Yeah!!! Most certainly it is...

Well, I didn't wish to put this up on my blog... Cuz I realize, it's my relentless cribbing on something that I have no way and energy to change... Cuz, I realize it's not at all in my hands that I could do anything to change the way people, oh, the desperate lot, looks at females... Cuz, I realize, exactly like me millions others too, have the same set of complaints against the way the society operates, especially with these irregularities... But unfortunately enough, noone manages to have a ground to fight these... And, the story remains the same, one set always trying to take advantage of the weaker lot and the other set, like me, always trying to avoid these situations, and thereby ending up adjusting in so many aspects that it doesn't stay funny anymore....

News channels, Facebook, Twitter everyone is extremely engaged in reporting about the incident taking place in the city I come from... It shrinks my soul, it makes me scream out loud as to why it had to be that way, it makes me curse the gang who didn't bother to think that she could also have been any of theirs sister or girl-friend and so...., it makes me rethink of the modernity that we so proudly talk about... Basically it makes me just worry on as to on what grounds we would still be called as best of God's creation... We're certainly not the best that God created, cuz, we have proved Him wrong, all the time...

As I finished my coffee, I saw a gang of girls rushing into the coffee shop... A gang of teenagers with a bundle of relentless laughter, a bundle of non-restricted happiness, and in their glamorous and prettiest best... They made me feel little better... Their spirited and joyous attitude actually refreshed me... But, at the same time, I just wished, none of them have to go through anything that the innocent school girl had to go through, and that too, just cuz of being the fairer sex... I just wish, each of these girls, and everyone out there gets to enjoy the beauty of being a female, and not the other way round where they need to be scared of being the same...

I just wish, someday, somewhere we see a light, that leads us to a broader way.... A way, away from all these terrors, away from all the pain, and yeah, towards a space, where everyone breathes equal...

MOTHER'S DAY'S EVE AND A THOUGHT... MISS YOU MOMU...

These days everywhere I go I see advertisements on how to choose the perfect gift for your mom... Well, why not... Just 3 more days to go and it's Mother's Day... All the shopping portals online, almost all the food and beverage outlets, almost all retail stores, and yes, almost all the brands that are on women-oriented products, kids-oriented ranges and even male-oriented ones, are airing advertisements on relationships with one's mom and thereby giving continuous tips on how to make the special lady feel really special on the special day... No doubt, these are amazingly done emotional pieces and can connect so very well with anyone and everyone, even if he or she is not the most emotional kind, living on earth... And, as a passionate advertising professional these really draw my attention and I happen to go through each of the lot... And, that's when this realization of mine takes me on for a stroll that they are actually influential... Cuz, these days I'm missing my mom, more than I generally do, and somehow I have put an effort to strike a conversation with her more frequently than I generally do... And, here I go, with my most genuine way to show my feelings, which happens to be scribbling down my emotions, and yes, this note of mine is to especially say that 'I love you' to the most amazing lady in my life, my Momu...

Well, from time to time, I do keep scribbling on my Momu and Dita... And, mostly things happen this way that, I happen to prefer Dita when it comes to talk on exciting things... He, being the coolest dad ever one can imagine,
makes me feel that I'm the best daughter alive in the universe and that somehow makes me walk on seventh heaven, and that's how I prefer sharing most of my good-bad-ugly things with him, rather than dragging Momu into those... This is mainly cuz, I always had and still do, a feeling that Momu, being the tough lady I can ever think of meeting all my life, would criticize me and my what-and-why-abouts and probably at times that would hit me on my weak points... And, this feeling of mine has been there, stuck in my head from time unknown, probably since the time I was a kid... If I remember
correctly, during my school days too I had acted a complete rowdy and illogical with my Momu, and on the contrary always acted the sanest and the most innocent kid when it came to be with my Dita... And, that's how my impression on my Momu and Dita was completely different from each other and towards two extremities... While my Momu knew the actual me, Dita always saw the best of me... Nonetheless, I grew up the same way and when I came away from both of them for my studies and then work, things never changed... And, I hardly had a feeling that they
would ever do...

But then, as time has been passing by, and I have been growing up, I realize, I have developed an unavoidable urge to walk on my mom's shoes and be like her... Yes, somehow, I have started to wish to be the combination of so many amazing qualities that my mom is... A combination of unbreakable toughness when it comes to patience, the unshakable focus when it comes to get where she wishes to be, the forever-composed serenity when it comes to handling her kids, the unmistakable passion to make her family the happiest on earth and most importantly the never-ending love for almost everything that's fair and justified...Well, it's so obvious that, even if I keep trying all my life, this birth and also next two, combined, I won't be able to be half as what she already is... The plain reason being, no matter what, I would always lack the maturity, intelligence, passion, drive and most importantly the personality of what it takes to be my Momu... And, most definitely I'm certain that every single lady on earth would agree to this truth that no matter what, they can never be like their moms... And actually, we feel proud about this, and most certainly we should, cuz having the most gorgeous and amazing mom is one of the rarest blisses in life and truly speaking, it's pure luck...

Coming back, yeah, as I have been adding pages to the calender of my life, I realize, I have been growing to build up the passion to be like my Momu... And, I actually amazed myself when I first realized this... Cuz, considering my preference to my dad all these years of my life, I was most obviously supposed to be wanting to be like him... Yeah, it's a fact that I'm filled with more traits similar to my dad than my mom, but when it comes to be like them, I have developed an honest and very very strong wish to be like my mom... Suprisingly for me, that was not what I had ever consciously decided, and so in my senses I never planned that way, never wished that way and most importantly never thought that way... And therefore, first time when I realized the same, I happened to ignore it, thinking that's cuz I had met her and spent some more time than usual with her just prior to getting the streak of that sort...

Yeah, it was my last visit home, when I had actually spent some quality time with my mom... It was last summer, and mom and me had in true sense bonded for the very first time, and soon it had turned into a mature friendship... For the first time in my 25 years old life, she decided that I was mature enough to confide on, and that's how we shared so much over those endless cups of tea (tea being my mom's favourite, and for a change I never complained on getting served tea rather than my trademark coffee!), over those quiet sittings in the kitchen, over those walks on the terrace, and also over those busy rushing arounds... And, to my surprise, I had actually seen a completely diffrerent personailty of my mom from the one I had always known... I realized, behind that tough and never-back-down face of my Momu, there still exists a vulnerable lady, who hides all her fears behind that tough outlook... I realized, like any soul on earth she also has her insecurities, her fear of losing what she has, her fear of facing the worst, her fear of losing out anything priceless on her family and kids, and most importantly her fear of losing the love of anyone whom she loves and cares for... I realized, although she has grown up to be the strong and powerful identity that she is, who can make anyone tremble with the mere strength in her voice, yet she still has the innocence of a kid at heart... Like a kid, she too gets scared of the dark and complex, like a kid she also gets afraid to face the difficult and alien, and like a kid she also wants someone to protect her and put their arms around her when she's down and blue... I also realized, that, it's her will-power and the drive to make it happen, that takes her all along to make everyone's life such smooth and easy, such picture perfect and most importantly such happy and blessed...

As for me, this came as a sheer surprise, and along with that also as an eye opener.... Cuz, as far as I remember till then, I hardly knew of an incident when my mom had lost her cool, and had reacted in a way that couldn't be mended... She had never ever let anything bad come on us, she had never ever let our smiles fade, she had never ever let my dad face anything alone and most importantly she had never shown any weaknesses as far as my memory could reach... But, now she told me that, all those times, whenever any difficulty had taken its stroll on us and our family, she was equally scared like my dad, me and my brother... But then, she would never be impatient, cuz she knew, if she did, the rest of us would even not have the courage to think about solving those mazes... She told me, everytime she saw the slightest trace of tension on my dad's face, she was even more worried than him, but she always managed to hide it, cuz she always realized that if she didn't, dad would have no way to justify his courage to fight those tensions...

I was at a loss of words... My Momu, whom I knew to be almost of non-emotional kind, had so much to pour out... I was amazed when I tried looking back at time... From the very first memory of mine with my mom, I remebered her to be the tough and never-forgiving lady who teaches Assamese literature, and the slightest mistake on grammer from her students drove her crazy... I remembered her to be the one who tried teaching me the same too and other subjects along and which used to be something I could never like... I remembered her to be the strict mother who never used to like me mingling with each and everybody around, and which used to make me question 'why'... I remembered her to be the strong mother who could criticize me when I was wrong, even though I hated it then... And all these memories of mine had made me relook at those once again when I realized that I had always known a complete different facet of my Momu before that particular day...

Well... Things somehow started changing from then on... I could so much relate to my mom after that, so much better than before... I could so realize how it is to be a woman of strong responsibilities, and even stronger urge to carry them on... In a word, I could realize what it is to be someone like my Momu... And probably this realization has also made me realize that even without my own knowledge it was always her, whom I want to see myself to be like, one day... It was always her who I actually aspire to be, personally and also professionally... Such strong was and is her influence on me.... Yeah, probably it was always like that, without even me knowing the same...

And that's how, these days, as I see all these advertisements and write-ups on Mothers' Day celebration, all the emotions regarding one's mom, everything that describes the bonding between mom and her kids, these truly make me realize the priceless relationship one shares with his/her mother... I get emotionally touched, miss my own Momu, mostly go back to those warm and quality time spent with her... And, mostly also start regreting those times, when I had actually not bothered to know her deeper and in a true manner... I regret for not putting any effort to make her realize that I could be her best friend, that I could be the one she could share her real feelings with, that I could be her 3 am friend... I regret for not knowing the priceless gift God had always kept just next to me... But, nonetheless, I know it now...

And, so, this is to let you know my Momu, that probably I'm late in trying to know you better, but I'm trying now... I promise one day I would definitely succeed in being your friend... I promise one day you would feel proud of me, if not for anything else, for the plain reason of making myself stand upto be the one you could put your trust and faith in... I promise, I would most definitely make you feel happy on the fact that I've grown up to be like you... Yeah, Momu, all I wish to be is loke You... Cuz, knowingly or unknowingly you're the inspiration that makes me fight anything difficult coming on my way... Thanks for being there Momu... You would never be able to measure, how each and every word of yours have started being the source of pure inspiration in my life lately...

Love you with all my heart Momu... You're the most gorgeous, the bravest and the most amazing mom I could have ever asked God for...

BIZARRE THOUGHTS, SELF-CONTRADICTION AND AN ENTRAPPED SOUL...

Scribbles on behalf of those few I have come across in recent days, who happen to be divided into many pieces, cuz they want to make their loved ones happy, and their loved ones don't seem to get this right...

Well… Realization has once again been taking its stroll in my senses, or rather in my life…And as it does, I see myself being lost in a space I don’t seem to connect with, and can’t figure out if at all I’m familiar with it… And of course, I’m not… The way I always seem to live my life, this phase comes as a veiled illusion and I seem to find no way to recognize the shadowed images underneath…

Yeah, personally, this is what I’m going through these days… And, if I decide to conclude that it’s only me in this space, I would be unmistakably and unforgivingly wrong… ‘Cuz, as I come across people around me, this is a common phenomenon in everyone’s life… And, if you happen to be someone as young as of 25 years of age, life is ready to shoot at you with few extra fierce bullets…

And yeah, most certainly I fail to understand these zillion difficulties people around me are facing… Cuz I realize factors that have made them suffer are nothing to do with their personal ignorance or personal inabilities… Rather these difficulties come from biased perceptions of what’s right and what’s wrong… And, at some point these depress me… In a world, where we’re talking everyday of creating an unbiased society, in the same world, our own thoughts are based on personal bias, and there are million people suffering ‘cuz of it… I know, I sound like a social activist right at this point, but I have no intention of being one… But, things that take my peace of mind away seem to fall in this category, in simple words true social malfunction…

And where are my thoughts coming from???....Well, recently I happened to meet a dozen of my friends… Well, not all together, and not under the same roof, in fact none of them is familiar to none other, but, each of them is my friend… And, as we had our individual conversations, I realized, life has decided to hit really hard on them… Each of them has their share of problems that nobody else would be able to understand, and the worst part nobody else would care to understand… Well, honestly, no one can be blamed for not understanding other’s problem, as every single one on this planet has their own set to deal with… And, so ultimately everyone has but no choice to struggle though a million emotional break downs while dealing with these problems…

Life is always been said to bring bags of undefined situations, unexpected twists, unexplainable circumstances and most importantly uncertain and sudden events… In the roller coaster ride of life, a million hurdles of uncertainty create its unavoidable affect, not to make the ride exciting always, at times even to break one down to pieces that can’t be gathered again… And, hence, life, being ‘only once’ entity, goes if not wasted, non-effective in a larger picture… Cuz, these lives, who fail to fight back the horror and terror of breaking down, can’t really be expected to add anything to the bigger world out there…

Well, coming back to those fragmented stories, that had made me type these relentless thoughts of mine, I’m yet to find out the actual reasons behind them… In the gang of friends that I met, if someone is fighting tough to win the battle of life in order to make a mark for himself, someone is finding it difficult to fight back those tears that have come from having to cut into two halves, one being her ignorant parents and the other half being the person she loves… If someone is ignorant of growing up and face the world by being able to take criticism personally and professionally, someone is taking time longer than estimated to come back to life after a heartbreak… If someone is failing in all his trials of standing up to the expectations of his parents, someone is finding it a question of life and death how to give some happiness to his family… Yeah, everybody is going through, in his/her own words, what can be called as an ocean of disheartening attacks… Everybody is suffering while trying to accomplish the dreams they had seen, into reality… Everybody is wiping silent tears of unfulfilled desires… Everybody is travelling on roads unknown to their conscious senses… In a way, like some musician said, ‘Everybody is broken’… Broken into pieces, cuz of the never-ending, un-nerving blows of what we call as life…

Life, in its simplest form tells us to live… But, doesn’t say how… And, that’s where we lose ourselves… Yeah, we do find ways to live life… And, some of them stand to be the right ways, and some other wrong… But, if we try figuring out the water running deeper, we realize, right and wrong are two such relative concepts… Things that stand the rightest right in my dictionary fail to convince others as the same, and so are categorized to the extreme wrong… But, if I look at the rights which others perceive to be, I find grouping those as sheer wrong… Reasons?? Cuz, others ‘right’s fail to make me happy, and so I rebel… Rebel to make others understand that what I believe in is the right for me, cuz, I know where my happiness lies… And, no matter what, only this will justify my existence… My existence of being me by doing what I want to do… But alas, my opinion and my views are the last on the list of considerations that are made to let me live my own life… Yes, a million other factors tend to be appreciated more than my own will and wishes… And, at times, the ‘me’ surrenders to those factors… Well, maybe cuz I get exhausted fighting with those whom I really love and respect, or maybe cuz at that point, my realization tells me that it’s no point fighting for myself, or maybe I see a failed me in those attempts… Yeah, ultimately I surrender… Surrender to the million reasons my own people raise in front of me… Surrender to their happiness… Surrender to the failure of my own conscience… Yeah, that’s how I let myself take the path which others have defined for me as ‘right’, than what my conscious sense says as ‘right’ for me to exist…

I know, my thoughts are bizarre, and will at any point in time fail to convince those whom we look up to… I know my thoughts find no concrete way to be expressed in the right form… I know my thoughts seem to be sheer foolish efforts to prove the elder generation (who decide what’s right for me) some unnamed villains… But, honestly this is not what my intensions see and plan… Cuz, even I realize, and even I understand, my elders are the ones who have seen and experienced life in a better and larger way than I have, and hence have more knowhow of good and bad, right and wrong… All what I intend to do is to make a small yet hearty and grave request of giving me some space to breathe… Of letting me experience my life in my own way… Of letting me try to find out my own preferences, my own choices… Of letting me see the world from my own eyes, from my own view… Of letting me make my own efforts to survive the battles… And most importantly of letting me live, not just survive…

Well, as and when I see around and realize that rarely anybody is leading a life on his/her own terms and conditions (many say they do, but at some point they end up adjusting to some or the other situational excuses), I also realize, probably that is how things would always going to be… No matter what we say, no matter however much we want to ignore others and live selfishly, no matter how crazily we plan to follow only our own hearts, at the end, we tend to be what our loved ones expect us to be… We like to deny it, but ultimately we human beings are so conscious of others, especially the ones we care for… And, neutrally speaking, and in a way, that’s not bad at all… Cuz, this is what refrains us from bringing the world crashing down…

Yes, yes, I sound totally self-contradictory, my thoughts are contrasting to one another, and in a word I come across to be highly confused… And yes, that’s what I am right now… I’m being a lost soul, trying to decide what is that thing that gives me happiness without hurting the ones I love, and ones who love me… But I don’t seem to find a way to get the minutest clue… And, the more I try figuring things out, the more I get entangled in the web of my own thoughts… And, in this array of overflowing bizarre thoughts, I finish a day of my life… The sun sets, moonlight brightens the sky, and my exhausted body falls in the lap of sleep… And along with that my lost soul realizes, that, tomorrow it has to experience yet another day, which would end up too, like today, without finding an actual solution to find some peaceful moments for it…

P.S: 'I' doesn't really mean it's me... This is on behalf of those million 'I's, getting trapped in the dilema of choosing from between 'right for me' and 'percieved right'...

PARENTS ARE PARENTS...JUST A LITTLE TRIBUTE...

P.S: To my Dita and Momu, and to all the parents, with an apology on ignoring many of your words...

The other week, I had met a little kid... We happen to know each other out of nowhere, to be precise, I had first met him in a park where I stroll at times, and that’s how I know him… We do exchange words when we have time during my infrequent visits to that park… Last week too, he was there… He was there sitting quietly on the grass-bed, near a carefully manicured green bush… Unlike the other times, he was not in a jolly mood that day and I figured, hence, he was not playing, rather sitting alone… I sat next to him, and asked what happened… He was little hesitant to tell me his problems at first…But, since he realized, it would be better if he spoke to me, he told me why he was upset… He was upset with his parents, who wanted him to quit his cricket practice; they wanted him to rather go for some indoor games… I asked why… He told, some weeks back, he was injured and fainted while playing and from that time onwards, they were not happy him continuing the game… I understood the complete story…

The kid would not be more than 10 years old, and thereby in an age in which he learns to put his choices forward, and if contested by anyone, especially his parents, starts believing that he might not be the most favourite child of his parents... And, yeah, that makes him develop a mild at first, and strong gradually, disliking towards his parents... And, at certain point, he believes with his heart and soul that his parents have no love for him, and they don't really bother about his existence and his what-and-where-abouts...

Well, this is so normal... So brutally true... And, I can say this from my own point of view and of course experience... Cuz, I was no exception and I had gone through the same too… When I was a little kid, my parents never let me do many and many things which million others were doing... I was never left alone outside our gate, and evreytime I had gone out of my house, somebody accompanied me, always... I was never let go to school alone, my dad or mum dropped me, always... I was never let go to my morning tuitions alone, I was being dropped there and picked up too... Unlike other kids I was not left with them to play those silly games, instead I was brought a huge library... I was never let mingle with a lot of kids around... I was not let learn to ride a bicycle... And, yeah, the list goes on and on...

Most obviously, like what a normal kid of that age would have done, I always complained, I always cribbed, I always doubted my parents’ intentions, and even if not loudly, inside my heart I always rebelled... I had thousand questions to ask, but each of them had a common word in them, 'Why'... I always wanted to know and understand why I was not treated like any other kid was being treated as, why I was kept away from million things that seemed to be my birthright, and why I couldn't live my life the way everyone else around me was living... Well, I never really asked these aloud and probably my parents understood that as my understanding of their intentions, and so adored and appreciated the fact that I was not really a rebellious kid like others… But, the truth was really something different, I was tired of all the pampering, all the extra anxiety for me, all the extra hype about my brining up and I was so unhappy about these that I didn’t even feel like trying to know the actual reasons behind what they were doing… And along with it, all I could see was their continuous intentions to keep me away from a normal childhood...

But, after 25 years of my life, today I have all the answers to those why's that I had back then... I have all the reasons to understand why my parents did what they did, brought me up the way they did, and kept me away from many things... And along with it, I have all the reasons to bow down to their depth of understanding of their kids’ inside… Well, today, when I see myself and try to understand my own self, I realize I fail to do that… That’s cuz there’s immense complications inside my heart and my mind, and that leaves things really difficult for me to sort out… I miss out on things which are right and I should really accomplish, and thereby stay confused in millions situations… And, this is not a fact of the grown-up me… I have always been like that, from childhood, and this is why almost in 95 % of the instances, it’s truly difficult for me to handle a situation and for others to handle me… But, yeah, my parents always knew me, the real me… That was why they kept me away from many things which would have made my surroundings even more difficult for me to tackle… That was why they made me do things which today make me see reality in a better way…

Yeah, I was a really difficult kid back then… With a lot of people to make me feel like the princess of the house, and a lot other to make me not see the difficult side of life, I was truly difficult to handle… And in that scenario, it was so important for someone to really make me stay controlled and calm… And, yeah, my parents exactly did that… They forbade me from things that would keep me safe and sound from the prospective unfavourable situations… They never let me be alone cuz, they never wanted me to end up carelessly walking on roads… They never let me ride a bicycle cuz they never wanted me to end up having a broken limb… They never let me mingle with lot of kids cuz they didn’t want me to end up picking crazy habits of strolling aimlessly… Yeah, every bit of what they did was so well thought and premonitored…

If I look back now, I see my parents standing beside me every time I needed them and every time even if I didn’t… Well, yeah, they had never tried preaching in my freedom, but every time I got confused on anything, they had helped me sorting out the same… I remember all the instances when I used to worry on the school exams, and they saying me to just relax… ‘These exams are nothing big things you know, remember you’re made for bigger things in life’, is what my dad said… Well, I really have no clue what bigger things I would achieve, or I would achieve ever at all, but those surely made me let my tension vanish… I remember my dad getting me every possible thing around that can make my studies easier… I remember him never forcing me to get good marks in my exams lest I put more efforts than I could afford… He never got angry with me if I ever missed out on few marks in the exams, cuz most certainly I was more important for him than few mere marks… He always made a point that I realized him being there for me anytime I need a friend… I remember him discussing the world with me so that I start knowing it too… I remember my mum talking to me on things that made her be who she was… I remember her telling me to be what I wished to be, and not what everyone else was trying to be…

I have always seen my parent dealing me with so much respect… I remember my dad treating me like someone of his age than a little kid… I remember him always talking to me with so much respect and regards… He never raised his voice even if I pissed him off million instances… I remember my mum respecting my wishes (when they were positive) and let me do what made me happy… I remember all the times when I ignored my health for staying up late to finish my school work, and my mum waking up at the middle of the night and making me my favourite health drink and boiled eggs… I remember all the time when I suffered from high temperature and my dad weeping like a kid… I remember all the time when I used to get injured with my silly games, and my mum crying and rushing to fetch a doctor… Yeah, everything that my parents did, I know no one can ever in life do those for me…

And, I did fail to see all this, cuz I didn’t realize things the way I should have, at that point in time… I had never really seen any consequences of what my parents told me, and made me stay away from… Most certainly I had ignorance towards many facets of life, and I had not really seen the real world… But, today as I’m having a little experience on the real world around me, I see every validity of every word they have ever said… I see more reasons to follow as per their words than I had ever realized I would do… And along with it I also wish to go back and restart my life… Cuz, I know I have already missed out on many and many positive outcomes of following their words, and that’s cuz, knowingly and also unknowingly I have not really obeyed many of what they had said… Given a chance of restarting my life, I would not miss out even on a single word…

The kid that had complained on his parent’s intentions of not allowing cricket, would, I am sure, be someone like what I was in my childhood… Who fails to see the real reason behind what his parents say… I understood, and along with it also understood that, at this point, nothing would really make him able to realize the real scenario… I know at this point, all he would do is cry and crib, and thereby would try to make them allow him his game… But, one day, he would realize why his parents are so reluctant about him being into something that might cause threats to his being… I felt helpless for not being able to make the kid pre-view the same… Cuz, I myself can see it… But then, that’s cuz, I have already gone through this age… And, since I was not able to do anything to make the little kid understand, all I could do was wish a little… Of making him have little patience with his parents, and along with it little faith… Cuz, in this world, there’s no one like our parents, who would ever say a thing which would not have a depth and an equally deep meaning… Yeah, someone truly said, parents are parents, and nothing can ever, ever and ever match up to them…

JUST AN EXPRESSION...A PERSONAL FEELING, TALKING ALOUD...

When I was a little girl, like everyone else (or most of them) I dreamt of things that I would want to have in my life…Life, with all its abundance made me dream in my own way and that’s how I knew what made me happy and what sad…And, since I knew what made me happy, I always wanted to have only those…And, that’s how I grew up to be someone, who’s scared of trying for things that had chances of causing pain to my weak soul and making my eyes moist…Yeah, I always wanted to stay in my comfort zone, where things didn’t make me feel the real toughness of the world around…Fairytale was the favourite topic of all that I talked about, laces were on what I slept, turquoise blue was what I painted on canvas, always adored the morning sunlight peeping through my window to wake me up, talked to glittering stars at night and winked at them...Yeah, in a word, I lived in a world where reality was an alien concept…And, my parents, who believed in bringing their kids up like prince and princess and protect them like delicate flowers, never really tried to expose me to the big bad world…They always told me that life’s what we made out of it…And, this made me realize that life would always be exactly the way I would wish it to be…

And, that’s how I grew up…And, when I started understanding the concept of love, I created my own version of it too…Believed in that kind of love in which somebody would strum ‘You’re my religion’, in which somebody would climb up my window to give me the freshest bouquet of tuberoses, in which on the terrace down the star-studded sky we would have our meals, in which pearl bedded islands would be our everyday evening stroll destination, in which we would sit hours by the sea on warm sand…and on and on and on…In a word, there would be all the simplistic pleasures, and no tears…all the priceless moments, and no pain…all the happiness, and no crisis…And, as time passed by, I was definitely waiting for my own love story to take shape…Well, things did turn up the way I wished for million times, and also the other way round in some other millions…And, that’s how life brought its own set of roller coaster effects on my ride throughout…But, in that course, what never changed was the faith, with which I always waited for the next day to knock at my door…

Today, as I’m almost in the verge of completing my 25th year of existence, I look back and try realizing how things actually were…Well, as everyone says (and rightly says), this is one of the most difficult phase of anyone’s life…Half of our dreams are still to get fulfilled, trying hard to figure out what’s the best things for us to do, monotony is getting heavy on us, parents are worried of getting us into a family life, and in this chaos, we almost end up losing our minds…And, in this situation, its twice the more difficult for one to really handle things especially when the person is someone like me (not necessarily me)…And, by this, I mean to mean somebody, who believes in having a life that’s more like a bed of roses, with pearls and laces decorating the same…One who is adamant and reluctant to understand that the world is like the mountains from far off…From far of, you feel they are so smooth on the surface, but the closer you go you realize, it’s far from smooth…Life and world is also like that, far from being a fairytale…Far from being of pearls and laces…Far from being the warm beach by the turquoise blue…And, that’s when people like me start relooking at life…Was I a fool to dream the way I did…Was I not doing the right thing when I wanted to have my fairytale…Was I really underestimating the course of my journey of life…Well, I do not really have an answer…

Yeah, I do understand now, that the simple life that I always led has very little existence now…’Cuz, like everyone else, I’m also into a life that talks about nailing me down with its limitless complications…At times, I see no reasons why I need to hold on to things which are making my life such eventless entity…And, at some other times, I see every reason to just let things go and not bother much with anything…But, the truth remains something else…Which tells me to still keep holding on to the ‘faith’ that I always have been holding on to… And, if I put my heart to understand, why I should do so, I realize, I should hold on to faith, for the plain reason of living, and not just surviving…It’s faith, that has made me ME, ‘cuz, every time I had thought of anything in the past, it’s faith that had made me do so…And, most importantly, if I have ever achieved something (even the minutest achievement), it’s all ‘cuz of this faith…

And, that’s how, faith still remains something integral in my life…At this point, probably I’m with a load of confusions as far as this faith is concerned…But, yet, beyond that also exists a faith…A faith of overcoming these confusions…Of overcoming any confusion for that matter…And, of reliving my way of life…In which, I would still have my life shaped in my way…The chaos that saddens me from time to time would turn into serene calmness, the restlessness that engulfs my existence would turn into peaceful sighs, the ‘wish-I-was-little-stronger’ desperation would vanish and most importantly, ‘I’m-happy-for-how-I’ve-always-been’ sense would have an open expression…Yes, that’s what my faith always tells me…That I was never wrong in believing the world to be no less than a dreamland…That it was not a mistake to wish for the fragrance of the dew-dropped rose than worrying about the thrones…That I was always right when I wished to have my fairytale story in love…That one day I would wake up to see the pearls shining in the morning sunlight in my lacey bed…
But, most importantly my faith says that, no matter what, I should keep this faith alive…’Cuz, things keep happening, and if I don’t realize why they’re happening that way, I would never know that each of them has a reason…And, the faith that my faith talks about has its existence in these reasons…

Yeah, that’s what I have been doing these days…Waiting for things to unfold their reasons behind their significant (if at all they turn out to be) indulgence in my life…And, all I have with me, is my faith, that never lets me leave its hand…And, for some unknown and unexplainable reasons, I’m quite enjoying this otherwise ‘not-so-extravagant’ wait…