JUST AN EXPRESSION...A PERSONAL FEELING, TALKING ALOUD...

When I was a little girl, like everyone else (or most of them) I dreamt of things that I would want to have in my life…Life, with all its abundance made me dream in my own way and that’s how I knew what made me happy and what sad…And, since I knew what made me happy, I always wanted to have only those…And, that’s how I grew up to be someone, who’s scared of trying for things that had chances of causing pain to my weak soul and making my eyes moist…Yeah, I always wanted to stay in my comfort zone, where things didn’t make me feel the real toughness of the world around…Fairytale was the favourite topic of all that I talked about, laces were on what I slept, turquoise blue was what I painted on canvas, always adored the morning sunlight peeping through my window to wake me up, talked to glittering stars at night and winked at them...Yeah, in a word, I lived in a world where reality was an alien concept…And, my parents, who believed in bringing their kids up like prince and princess and protect them like delicate flowers, never really tried to expose me to the big bad world…They always told me that life’s what we made out of it…And, this made me realize that life would always be exactly the way I would wish it to be…

And, that’s how I grew up…And, when I started understanding the concept of love, I created my own version of it too…Believed in that kind of love in which somebody would strum ‘You’re my religion’, in which somebody would climb up my window to give me the freshest bouquet of tuberoses, in which on the terrace down the star-studded sky we would have our meals, in which pearl bedded islands would be our everyday evening stroll destination, in which we would sit hours by the sea on warm sand…and on and on and on…In a word, there would be all the simplistic pleasures, and no tears…all the priceless moments, and no pain…all the happiness, and no crisis…And, as time passed by, I was definitely waiting for my own love story to take shape…Well, things did turn up the way I wished for million times, and also the other way round in some other millions…And, that’s how life brought its own set of roller coaster effects on my ride throughout…But, in that course, what never changed was the faith, with which I always waited for the next day to knock at my door…

Today, as I’m almost in the verge of completing my 25th year of existence, I look back and try realizing how things actually were…Well, as everyone says (and rightly says), this is one of the most difficult phase of anyone’s life…Half of our dreams are still to get fulfilled, trying hard to figure out what’s the best things for us to do, monotony is getting heavy on us, parents are worried of getting us into a family life, and in this chaos, we almost end up losing our minds…And, in this situation, its twice the more difficult for one to really handle things especially when the person is someone like me (not necessarily me)…And, by this, I mean to mean somebody, who believes in having a life that’s more like a bed of roses, with pearls and laces decorating the same…One who is adamant and reluctant to understand that the world is like the mountains from far off…From far of, you feel they are so smooth on the surface, but the closer you go you realize, it’s far from smooth…Life and world is also like that, far from being a fairytale…Far from being of pearls and laces…Far from being the warm beach by the turquoise blue…And, that’s when people like me start relooking at life…Was I a fool to dream the way I did…Was I not doing the right thing when I wanted to have my fairytale…Was I really underestimating the course of my journey of life…Well, I do not really have an answer…

Yeah, I do understand now, that the simple life that I always led has very little existence now…’Cuz, like everyone else, I’m also into a life that talks about nailing me down with its limitless complications…At times, I see no reasons why I need to hold on to things which are making my life such eventless entity…And, at some other times, I see every reason to just let things go and not bother much with anything…But, the truth remains something else…Which tells me to still keep holding on to the ‘faith’ that I always have been holding on to… And, if I put my heart to understand, why I should do so, I realize, I should hold on to faith, for the plain reason of living, and not just surviving…It’s faith, that has made me ME, ‘cuz, every time I had thought of anything in the past, it’s faith that had made me do so…And, most importantly, if I have ever achieved something (even the minutest achievement), it’s all ‘cuz of this faith…

And, that’s how, faith still remains something integral in my life…At this point, probably I’m with a load of confusions as far as this faith is concerned…But, yet, beyond that also exists a faith…A faith of overcoming these confusions…Of overcoming any confusion for that matter…And, of reliving my way of life…In which, I would still have my life shaped in my way…The chaos that saddens me from time to time would turn into serene calmness, the restlessness that engulfs my existence would turn into peaceful sighs, the ‘wish-I-was-little-stronger’ desperation would vanish and most importantly, ‘I’m-happy-for-how-I’ve-always-been’ sense would have an open expression…Yes, that’s what my faith always tells me…That I was never wrong in believing the world to be no less than a dreamland…That it was not a mistake to wish for the fragrance of the dew-dropped rose than worrying about the thrones…That I was always right when I wished to have my fairytale story in love…That one day I would wake up to see the pearls shining in the morning sunlight in my lacey bed…
But, most importantly my faith says that, no matter what, I should keep this faith alive…’Cuz, things keep happening, and if I don’t realize why they’re happening that way, I would never know that each of them has a reason…And, the faith that my faith talks about has its existence in these reasons…

Yeah, that’s what I have been doing these days…Waiting for things to unfold their reasons behind their significant (if at all they turn out to be) indulgence in my life…And, all I have with me, is my faith, that never lets me leave its hand…And, for some unknown and unexplainable reasons, I’m quite enjoying this otherwise ‘not-so-extravagant’ wait…

OLD SONGS...OLD MEMORIES...AND FLASHBACKS....

Well, it’s been a week, I’ve been listening to a playlist of Hindi songs…On a regular basis, I avoid listening to them, as they make me really emotional and my eyes get teary…And, this is one thing, I have been avoiding in last few months (yeah, I have made myself believe that I don’t deserve to cry no more…)…But then, these days, somehow, got a playlist that has all the Hindi songs that are ultimately romantic and well, me kind of liking it…I just skipped mentioning one thing about these songs, that they straightaway take me to those moments when I had listened to that particular song for the first time…Coming back, now too I’m listening to a song that reminds me of an evening in 2008, July...Well, almost 4 years back...But, still I remember everything so bright and clear...And, as I lose myself in the soothing beats of this song, all that I was doing at that particular evening come flashing back to my memory, and somehow I see everything happening in front me, as if those are happening now, right at this very moment…

Well, it was the last day of the month...I was travelling back to Bangalore from my home…Bangalore, being the place where I had been staying in (of course for my studies and all) for almost 4 years till then, had more connection with my heart than my own home town (I guess, that’s ‘cuz, that was the time, I was truly growing up, and was through a phase that had the influence to make or break any connection with anything)…And, after staying for over a month in my home town, this comeback was more like coming back to one’s workplace after a long soothing vacation…And, yeah, predictably I was insanely happy (although missed my Dita and Momu), crazy with excitement, and was altogether in a completely different world…Well, I had real good reasons behind all that excitement…

Coming back again, my flight had landed at 6 that evening…By the time I was out of the airport to catch a red Volvo that would take me to the main city, it was almost 7…I still remember, I had occupied seat no 24…Me, in my complete black attire (as usual), with my red luggage and my trademark coffee (that I had picked up from the airport stall), yeah, like a super strong kid I was all set to rush to the cute city…What made me doubly excited was my phone…I was continuously on it (from the time I had landed) talking to someone whom I then believed to be my soul mate…Yeah, yeah, this was one of the many reasons why I was extremely happy to be back in the place…’Cuz, we had bouquet of dreams, that we had craved together, over previous few years, were going to come true in the next few years (or did we think months???)...All we were discussing that evening was all those innocent dreams and hopes…We were at the peak of our excitement, happy, and in fact overwhelmed, ‘cuz we believed nothing could and yeah, would go wrong from that point…And, yeah, that was when this particular song was being played in the bus, over and over again…It was a new song, by Atif, pre releasing the movie, and was accumulating a lot of popularity…And, yeah, you guessed it right, it was a romantic number, which was adding the extra glitters to my eyes…

The next day was my first class in my MBA course…And so was his…He was on the way to a place which was away from the city…And, that was the only thing that had made me little sad that evening, ‘cuz we would not meet each other for at least some time…But, we had bigger plans, so this didn’t matter much… We were going to start a new life...And, we believed, end of it was the world we were dreaming of in all those days till then...We believed, we would soon going to be together again once we finish doing what we had planned to do in the next few months…And then, we believed, our small world would be complete…We believed, we were destined to be one, one day, ‘cuz, we were bonded by love…And, no matter what, this bond would keep us tied forever, and for always…We knew, things would change...And we believed, they would change exactly the way we wished for...Exactly the way we dreamt of, with our eyes, open and closed…That evening, we were soaked in an ocean of dreams, hopes of fulfilling those, and most importantly in love…And, that’s how, without me knowing (and acknowledging) the evening marked a stone-craved presence in my memory…

Well, over the time, the days ahead didn’t really turn out to be what we had dreamt of, what we had planned as and what we believed to be…Yeah, things did change...But, not the way we hoped and wished for...They happened, with a turn of an angle, that’s of complete 360 degree...Those dreams we saw together turned out to be mere illusions, those plans we made together turned out to mere insanity, those wishes we hoped to come true turned out to be just some pages of my diary…Everything changed…We lost ourselves to the insanity and craze of situations, which we thought would never affect us…We changed our priorities (did we really have to???), we changed our ways to look at life, we changed our views on life, and most importantly we changed (or we forced to change) the way our hearts beat…Yeah, love was a mistaken identity, care was replaced by avoidance, and the world we wanted together was nothing but a non-existent entity…Yeah, things did change… All, that we had together stayed merely as some moments of the bygone days and those moments kept walking on the memory lanes…Someday, accidentally, even I end up walking along those, and yeah, relive them….But, certainly accidentally, not willingly…

And, today, as I listen to this song, everything from that evening is rushing back, flashing back to my memory, engulfing my senses...Me, dressed all black, seat no 24, looking at the fast running greenery through the window, engaged in the freshness of the outskirt beauty of the city, my phone stuck to my ears, his exciting and soothing voice over it, loads of reasonless giggles, loads of useless chatters, loads of unnecessary pauses...Well, everything, yeah, everything is just so so fresh in my memory...I’m not sure how I feel at this moment, but one thing I’m really sure of, and that’s being, I’m stunned right now…’Cuz, even if I didn’t ever realize, it’s almost 4 long and long years, since I had that evening…

Well…These songs, I tell you...Can really make one crazy...And, yeah, probably that’s what I truly am right now…

OLD PICTURES, MEMORIES....AND SOME MORE....

Looking at the old photographs; and looking back at time
Having a dimmed smile on my lips; and yeah, I’m all fine
Recalling those laughters; happy, loud and clear
It’s strange, how we were one then; so in love and so very near
The world was small; all we did was dream, play and hum
It was a fairytale; with me and you being awesome twosome
Didn’t want anything from life; but you and only you
Thought, assumed and believed; you did the same too
Together we laughed, wept; and waited for the next day to come
Dreamt of our first vacation; and when we would sit under a rose gum
We believed, we would live like that forever; and for always
No matter what came on us; we would find our ways
Then came those days; when we didn’t see each other for weeks, and some more
I didn’t know you were going away; 'cuz I was still busy dreaming on the sea-shore
Then you really went away for good; never came to see me and never called
My world was shattered, saw only the dark sky; with my dreams sprawled
Those laughters dried, eyes cried; and could see no rays of hope
Didn’t know how to look ahead; life seemed like walking on a ridge rope
Days passed by, turned into weeks; months, and then into years
You turned into memory; first very clear and then into vague smears
I don’t think of you anymore; and I know you no more
I gave you my heart, but you preferred to stay in those old pictures; which I never tore
Today as I see your face I smile a bit; and think of your promise
Yes, the one you made; and yeah, which you could never keep
But, it’s alright; I’m done with it, and also fine
With you leaving, I found my own world; with some more sunshine
I cherish those moments with you; but never wish you back
With you I was a pampered princess; but without you, I’m on the rightest track
Yeah, every cloudy day also brings; a promise of a new one in store
And, that makes us wish for a better tomorrow; and hope little more
I close the album down, sigh; some tears roll down, but I smile
I had an amazing past; although little teary, yet worthwhile
My anger’s gone, grudges vanish; and I don’t hate you anymore
I’m smiling, and also thanking you; for the memories that I could store
We might never cross our paths; in the days to come
But, just want you know; memories of you are always happy, and also warm