Well, coming back to last night, I had kept reading both the books (simultaneously, turn by turn) till late, and by the time I finished them, it was 5 in the morning...Of course it being a Sunday, I had less to worry about and so decided to go to the kitchen to make myself a coffee...As I sipped on the favourite beverage of mine, I realized I hadn't really come back from the spot of the books...The characters were still hovering inside my mind, the feelings that the characters had gone through have transferred into me, the tears that the characters had shed were flowing from my eyes and the confusions that the characters had suffered from had engulfed me too...I let myself lean on the kitchen wall as my eyes cried two rivers...I didn't know why, but yes, I was thinking about myself in a very different way at that very moment...And of course, there were reasons why I felt so, and you guessed it right, both the books are what behind these reasons...
The story in Chetan's book had taken me back to those days when I was going through a major heartbreak and nowhere to go...Almost 5 years in a relationship and then one day waking up to realize that what you thought to be the most beautiful chapter of your life was just a big flowery lie...Yes, it was like the bites of the black poisonous ant that makes you numb for a period...And most conveniently the other person whom you had let to rule you heart (and who turned out to be the one buldozing the same) had justified his reason of drifting away from his earlier promises...'Priorities change' was the most frequently used line and 'Please move on' seemed to be the most pleading line (of course he didn't care if I would want to, as he already did) and 'Do-what-you-want-to-except-sticking-to-me' was the meaning every sentence of his refered to...Despite my teary pleading (or should I call it begging), despite my efort to make up things (well, I agree, I was a terrible one in that) and despite my reasoning why the relationship should continue (I think I was a bad one in reasoning too), nothing really helped him change his mind...Well, at a point I had given up...It wasn't that easy either...Lot of shouting, weeping, threatening followed...And so followed a lot of prayers to the unseen power above (I'm sure He might have almost given up listening to the same set of prayer everyday)...And one fine morning, rather early morning, like the one yesterday, I had decided that enough was enough...Torturing myself for someone who really cared none for my tears was just a waste of energy and effort...That was the day I had cried for the last time for that 'already over' relationship...It was the longest duration I had ever cried in my life, and it was the most silent one too...Two rivers flown from my eyes till the morning sun was bright enough to dry them off and those rivers had left me bruised inside...But, as I had gotten up from my bed that morning I was a different person...All alone but ready to take charge of my own life, without anyone's favour and without anyone's tantrums for loving them...I had gotten into a phase where I was the only one responsible for my own decisions and the one witnessing the fruit of what I sowed...Also I was the one who had to make sure there was always a sheild between my heart and mind not to let my heart overpower my mind (and unfortunately this one seemed to be the toughest job in the lot)...My tears were as ready as a cloudy sky to pour and my heart was as weak as the chocolates on a boiling pan...But, it was my turn to face the world, alone, and if not for me for the lovely people around me...And, sadly, these were also the ones, whose existence I had almost ignored during the break up phase...I had put a full stop to the fact that I had once loved the person and he loved me back (or rather I should say I put a full stop to my realization that I still did but he didn't)...And, strangley enough the 'petite and weak-at-heart' me was acting like one who doesn't care about who loved her and who didn't...Like the one 'being happy that she got ditched'...And like the one who needed her own self than the one she really loved...But, it worked...Things fell back in place, sorrow turned into bright smiles, made friends with newer people who cared, love happend in form of admiration and then one morning, everything seemed so normal...
Well, I know I started this story saying that whatever had happened last night, or the books I read last night had to do with my this new 'reanalyzing self'...I might seem to forget it by so far, but no, I haven't...The book Aleph talks about keeping the faith alive...As I had taken a journey with Paulo's search for love and forgiveness (that is what he summarises his book as), and his encounters to conquer his fears, I was coming to realize, at a point of time evrybody needs to take a step forward and see beyond the usual to know that he can face more than waht he anticipates and that too in a much stronger way than he actually seems to afford...It's not the bad things that fate makes happen to one, rather it's the positivity that fate brings wrapped inside the negative incidents...
Well, I've not achieved anything in life to talk really big and spill out serious words...But, when I find myself being the 'Me' of today, which is a surprising feeling to myself, I just feel the need of analyzing things over and over again...And, that is what I'm doing now too...I know, I'm talking all about 'Me-and-only-myself' kind of stuffs right now, but that is what this write up is about...The inspiration that had come from my within to keep going in life when I was in the verge of blacking out to the unknown future is what I always go back to again and again...Probably that is why I make a connect with everything that is about finding oneself...Yes, that is why I have developed a belief in finding oneself in the ways he can afford to...Going by a normal standard I have done nothing to boast about...But if I go by my own calibre, I have done more than I could ever imagine...I had stood up for my own life when it was easier to step out, I had persuaded my love when it was easier to let go and I had brought myself back to stand my own feet when it was easier to just break down...And all I had done was not something I can ignore either...
Well, it's been almost 18 hours I had finished the books...And I guess, it's more than 18 months I have not thought about losing out on my first and biggest battle of life...The battle of love...But, at this point in time the loss had all the positive marks on me...Because that loss had made me a winner (or atleast one who is in love with winning)...A (or should I say an aspiring) winner in life...And, yes, this is why I love life, every teardrop makes a drop less for the future...Every bruise makes you resistant for the future wounds and evrey bit of pain makes you stronger to face the deeper pains in the future...And the truth of life also lies in all these...The truth of the joy that one enjoys while mending the injuries in every fold of this unknown adventure...
I think it's the ten millionths time that a reading inspired me to relook at life (or my life)...And I'm happy that I did...It's something about books that I totally in love with...They have enough power to make you have a reality check of your life...And this reality check is something that one needs every now and then...Well, at least me...And I'm glad that I just had one the other night...
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