Wandering thoughts…..lost soul…..And psychic state of mind……Yeah….All that describes INSANITY…..And at this point that's what the state of my mind is…..And undoubtedly that is caused by nothing but my lost love…..Or rather ‘the feeling of lost love’……Yeah that's more accurate…THE FEELING…….Even if the truth holds something else yet the feeling of doubt complicates life….And without letting me find a scope to CONTROL my emotions it is making me paralyzed….Paralyzed in the worst way possible….And when I look for the reason which is breaking me down I clearly see it…..And that is my GUILT….And yeah….That's my guilt….The guilt of hurting some true emotions….The guilt of being a stubborn heavy header….The guilt of being arrogant at the point of need……And the guilt of breaking some heart as violently as I could….The worst part was when the heart was broken it didn’t sound much….And that made me unaware of the breakage…..And since I lacked so called ‘understanding’ and a ‘long-sightedness’ I couldn’t even realize that the reason of the crack in the delicate heart was ME….The insane, arrogant, head-strong me……..
Paulo Coelho says…’Love is the most constructive feeling….at the same time it is the most destructive one too’….How true he is…..When love acted as the constructive force on me, I made it have the destructive effect on the heart which made me feel like a princess….Which thought of me as the last resort….Which made even my heart skip faster….And which made me see a fairy tale world……And me, blinded with my arrogance and insanity didn’t realize it when I should have….Instead I kept playing with that heart….Kept making that heart weep….And kept ignoring the pain piling on it…..And when it broke the blood spilled on me…..And that's when I realized what had I done…..The realization made me bit sensible…But alas…It was late….Cuz there was nothing left in that heart anymore….Not even the strength to shed tears any more…..And surprisingly it made me change….In an unexpected way….It made me grow up….Made me realize what pain is….And the realization also brought the worst feeling one could ever possibly have…..yeah….that's GUILT…..
When one feels guilty he is destroyed….Cuz all he can think of is to go back to the past and clean up the mess he created……All he can think of is the ‘what if’ element of life….All he can realize is how destructive he had been all the time….And all these feelings lead to only one conclusion…..Loss of peace of mind….One starts living in the past, rather in the point in which the mistakes were made….And he starts thinking of all the ways possible,in which those could be undone….That ends up in insanity….in frustration….in confusion….And it gives one nothing but pain…Yeah….I'm in pain too…Cuz I too wish I could go back to the moment when I was plotting my unknown plan of breaking the heart which had been beating for me all the while….And yeah now I feel guilty…confused…frustrated….And mostly INSANE…..
There is no end to my guilt….Nor does to my insanity……And this deadly combination has overtaken the page on which my story is being written….There is no end to any of it…..The deadlier the combination gets the more dramatic my story turns out to be…There comes ups....downs…laughter… tears….confusions…. clarifications…love…hatred…..and….drama….And some more drama….There is really no end to these……
And that is how my story goes…..on and on…..And on…..AND ON….
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