JUST AN EXPRESSION...A PERSONAL FEELING, TALKING ALOUD...

When I was a little girl, like everyone else (or most of them) I dreamt of things that I would want to have in my life…Life, with all its abundance made me dream in my own way and that’s how I knew what made me happy and what sad…And, since I knew what made me happy, I always wanted to have only those…And, that’s how I grew up to be someone, who’s scared of trying for things that had chances of causing pain to my weak soul and making my eyes moist…Yeah, I always wanted to stay in my comfort zone, where things didn’t make me feel the real toughness of the world around…Fairytale was the favourite topic of all that I talked about, laces were on what I slept, turquoise blue was what I painted on canvas, always adored the morning sunlight peeping through my window to wake me up, talked to glittering stars at night and winked at them...Yeah, in a word, I lived in a world where reality was an alien concept…And, my parents, who believed in bringing their kids up like prince and princess and protect them like delicate flowers, never really tried to expose me to the big bad world…They always told me that life’s what we made out of it…And, this made me realize that life would always be exactly the way I would wish it to be…

And, that’s how I grew up…And, when I started understanding the concept of love, I created my own version of it too…Believed in that kind of love in which somebody would strum ‘You’re my religion’, in which somebody would climb up my window to give me the freshest bouquet of tuberoses, in which on the terrace down the star-studded sky we would have our meals, in which pearl bedded islands would be our everyday evening stroll destination, in which we would sit hours by the sea on warm sand…and on and on and on…In a word, there would be all the simplistic pleasures, and no tears…all the priceless moments, and no pain…all the happiness, and no crisis…And, as time passed by, I was definitely waiting for my own love story to take shape…Well, things did turn up the way I wished for million times, and also the other way round in some other millions…And, that’s how life brought its own set of roller coaster effects on my ride throughout…But, in that course, what never changed was the faith, with which I always waited for the next day to knock at my door…

Today, as I’m almost in the verge of completing my 25th year of existence, I look back and try realizing how things actually were…Well, as everyone says (and rightly says), this is one of the most difficult phase of anyone’s life…Half of our dreams are still to get fulfilled, trying hard to figure out what’s the best things for us to do, monotony is getting heavy on us, parents are worried of getting us into a family life, and in this chaos, we almost end up losing our minds…And, in this situation, its twice the more difficult for one to really handle things especially when the person is someone like me (not necessarily me)…And, by this, I mean to mean somebody, who believes in having a life that’s more like a bed of roses, with pearls and laces decorating the same…One who is adamant and reluctant to understand that the world is like the mountains from far off…From far of, you feel they are so smooth on the surface, but the closer you go you realize, it’s far from smooth…Life and world is also like that, far from being a fairytale…Far from being of pearls and laces…Far from being the warm beach by the turquoise blue…And, that’s when people like me start relooking at life…Was I a fool to dream the way I did…Was I not doing the right thing when I wanted to have my fairytale…Was I really underestimating the course of my journey of life…Well, I do not really have an answer…

Yeah, I do understand now, that the simple life that I always led has very little existence now…’Cuz, like everyone else, I’m also into a life that talks about nailing me down with its limitless complications…At times, I see no reasons why I need to hold on to things which are making my life such eventless entity…And, at some other times, I see every reason to just let things go and not bother much with anything…But, the truth remains something else…Which tells me to still keep holding on to the ‘faith’ that I always have been holding on to… And, if I put my heart to understand, why I should do so, I realize, I should hold on to faith, for the plain reason of living, and not just surviving…It’s faith, that has made me ME, ‘cuz, every time I had thought of anything in the past, it’s faith that had made me do so…And, most importantly, if I have ever achieved something (even the minutest achievement), it’s all ‘cuz of this faith…

And, that’s how, faith still remains something integral in my life…At this point, probably I’m with a load of confusions as far as this faith is concerned…But, yet, beyond that also exists a faith…A faith of overcoming these confusions…Of overcoming any confusion for that matter…And, of reliving my way of life…In which, I would still have my life shaped in my way…The chaos that saddens me from time to time would turn into serene calmness, the restlessness that engulfs my existence would turn into peaceful sighs, the ‘wish-I-was-little-stronger’ desperation would vanish and most importantly, ‘I’m-happy-for-how-I’ve-always-been’ sense would have an open expression…Yes, that’s what my faith always tells me…That I was never wrong in believing the world to be no less than a dreamland…That it was not a mistake to wish for the fragrance of the dew-dropped rose than worrying about the thrones…That I was always right when I wished to have my fairytale story in love…That one day I would wake up to see the pearls shining in the morning sunlight in my lacey bed…
But, most importantly my faith says that, no matter what, I should keep this faith alive…’Cuz, things keep happening, and if I don’t realize why they’re happening that way, I would never know that each of them has a reason…And, the faith that my faith talks about has its existence in these reasons…

Yeah, that’s what I have been doing these days…Waiting for things to unfold their reasons behind their significant (if at all they turn out to be) indulgence in my life…And, all I have with me, is my faith, that never lets me leave its hand…And, for some unknown and unexplainable reasons, I’m quite enjoying this otherwise ‘not-so-extravagant’ wait…